Introspection

Since our blogs are formatted a little differently, I’m not re-blogging, but I am sharing an article that Rac (Life After His Affair) linked to on her blog this morning.

Before You Cheat On Her Know This

This piece is beautifully written and will speak, in some way or another, to all of us who have been betrayed. But, the author is theoretically speaking to the cheater. She is telling the cheater what will happen to his partner if he cheats on her. And no doubt, what does happen, what has happened to us (since a lot of my readers are betrayed wives), reiterated in the words of this article, will resonate deep.

Before you cheat, know this:

It will teach her to hear “You are beautiful,” as “but not beautiful enough.”
It will teach her to hear “You are brilliant,” as “but not brilliant enough.”
It will teach her to hear “You mean the world to me,” as “but one person is not enough.”
It will teach her to hear “You are the love of my life,” as “but I don’t love you enough.”

Much of the deep pain we endure post betrayal is universal. You will break her… shattering of glass… She will not sleep… She will not eat… She will not smile… She will cry… She will curl into a ball… She will rage… She will be numbed… You will cause her to hate… You will burn her world to the ground.

Unfortunately, as compelling as her words are, and as accurate her description of what we go through, what I have gone through as well, these words nor any others, in my opinion, will stop a cheater from cheating. From what I have learned during this process, for the most part, the reason a person cheats often has absolutely nothing to do with their partner and everything to do with what is broken inside them. They are weak and driven by selfish desires to use a short term fix on a gaping hole inside that has been growing for many years, often since childhood, and rationalizing will always be the precursor to cheating. They are neglected, their wife doesn’t love them anymore, the marriage was already broken, they didn’t think the wife would even care, my personal favorite–the wife is never going to find out so she will never be hurt. Practical words about how painful betrayal is on the betrayed spouse will not be enough to fix what is wrong with a person who is vulnerable to cheating.

I do not believe that everyone has it in them to cheat. I actually will never believe that. I also don’t believe that most of us married scoundrels, flagrant cheaters or that we knew our husband had the propensity for such hurtful behavior. I, for one, never would have married my husband if I thought so (regardless of what the media or even some therapists would have us believe). Their reasons are unique, but their rationalizations are the same. They will turn a blind eye to the potential consequences of cheating because they never learned how to self reflect. They’re going to go for the easy fix versus the introspective evaluation of why they are even contemplating a relationship outside their marriage. Why are they breaking promises and commitments so flagrantly? In the case of cheating men, they often did not learn how to be open and honest about their emotions and their needs. They don’t even actually know that their own brokenness is the reason they seek a path they never thought they would be on. It is so much easier to blame someone else. SO.MUCH.EASIER. So then it becomes about us, or the other women. The secretary came on to them. She threw herself at them. She doesn’t carry the baggage of home, family, of commitment. And we all know what we have been accused of during the discovery process. Not only will the cheater not be able to absorb the level of pain we endure from the betrayal, they will attempt to turn their bad deed around on us. Yes, true introspection is the key. If the cheater is left alone, with no one to blame, and no one to tell him it’s okay to be unfaithful, what then?

Introspection-spillwords-1366x723

Introspection

written by: Rajashree

In the silence of night,
Taking a stroll through the aisle of memories;
Saw a brave loner, a fighter,
Who’s an ardent, respectful lover.
With a smile muttered to self
What an Imperfectionist!
Instantly the surrounding air whispered—-
even I’m not Absolute.
With lessons gained by mistakes
And some plans in mind;
I continue the journey halted far behind…..

In a perfect world, everyone would read Kirsten’s piece (or another like it) before partnering up, absorb it, and remember it their entire relationship. Unfortunately we live in a far from perfect world and people rationalize the hell out of bad behavior every day. People will continue to cheat and partners will continue to be devastated by the betrayal.

You will burn her world to the ground, but she will pour her heart into becoming the best person she can be—and this time, it won’t be for you; it will be for her.

I will never be as innocent and trusting as I was before, but I will also not be as naive or vulnerable. I have lost something that can never ever be replaced. In ways I am weaker than I was before, and in other more important ways, I am stronger, and unfortunately, the cheating, the betrayal, my husband’s secret life, was never about me. Because if it was, I wouldn’t be here right now. I deserved loyalty, honesty, and respect. This was never about me.

9 thoughts on “Introspection

  1. Thank you for sharing. I think you’re absolutely right that it’s something broken in the cheater’s emotional foundation and that they are not strong enough to face it, rather like you say, take the “easy” way out though it hurts others. This is still tough to go through on the receiving end but certainly helps understand why

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    • Your piece was so well written and speaks for so many of us. I wish it was truly enough to stop someone from cheating. It’s often a strange set of rationalizations that allow a person to cheat. I browsed through some of the comments on your piece. The fact that it is gender specific seems to be an issue with some men. Strange how they don’t understand it’s a very personal piece of writing. I honestly don’t know if most men would react the same as women. From blogs and articles, the response of females being cheated on seems so universal, right down to the literal words you wrote. I just don’t see the same responses for men and there are so few men out there writing about it. In this case, I do think men and women are created differently and society exacerbates the problem. Boys will be boys. Thank you for writing such a poignant piece! ❤️

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      • So much of what you’ve written on your blog could have been written by me, even as one of the rare men who’s wife is the one that is the SA. All the same experiences and trauma. Just remember that some girls will act like those boys, too. I’m fortunate that the S-Anon group in my area welcomed me warmly even as the only male with a female SA. Like you’ve stated on other blog entries, the 12-step co-dependent co-addict model doesn’t apply with me either. As far as I knew our marriage was great until D-Day, I was hardly an enabler, etc. And looking back knowing what I know now, all the signs were there over the years, I just didn’t know how to put the pieces together. Keep up your blog posts!

        Liked by 1 person

        • Thank you, Doug, for being here and letting us know you have the same feelings and trauma wives experience. Certainly I wouldn’t wish these feelings on anyone, but you do speak for a much less represented group, husbands of SA wives, and for speaking up, I thank you. I’m glad you found an S-Anon group that helps you to feel less alone. We all need that in order to heal. Likewise with me, I didn’t know how to put together the pieces. Wishing you peace on your journey!

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    • It’s all so unfair, CR. We did not deserve the treatment we received, but the only way out of this mess is to know we’re strong enough to move forward from it all. It’s never going to be okay that this happened, that we were treated disrespectfully, whatever the “reason.” But you will be okay. You were a whole person before you met your husband and you are a whole person now. Reach inside for all the things you love about yourself and build on that. xo

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