Rationalization 101

After one of my favorite exercise classes this morning I was in a super good mood. I picked up my mobile phone to check the weather for this afternoon and accidentally hit the News app icon with my clumsy fingers. The above Times article blasted across my screen. I read it. Of course I did. Even if I wasn’t in the situation I’m in, in the relationship I’m in, I would have read this article… as a married woman, it would have peaked my interest, no matter what. On the above, above the title of the article, it states MODERN LOVE. I’m not sure if that is merely a moniker to help us put the article into a category, or if there is a section of the paper that has this title, however, it makes me sick that “this” is how anyone would describe modern love.

The author, a divorced female, states in her first paragraph that she’s not sure whether it’s possible to justify her relationships with married men. The impetus for her article, however, is that she believes that what she has done warrants a conversation. Well, I guess I agree with that since here I am voicing my opinion. In her wisdom, this woman believes the conversations should be had between the husbands she was having sex with, and their wives. She does state that she would be interested in hearing the wives’ sides. Well, isn’t that nice of her… (dripping with sarcasm). She advises that the conversation be had annually, like inspecting the tread on our car tires. Well, thanks, because I always take my marital advice from divorced women I don’t know who admit to having slept with numerous married men. Yeah, NO.

The author admits to dating married men for ‘companionship’ while processing her divorce. She informs us that she didn’t actually seek out married men, but they found her… single men too, in case you’re interested. She wanted no strings attached, regardless of the man’s relationship status. She wanted sex but not a relationship. Apparently in a couple instances the men “… were married to women who had become disabled and could no longer be sexual, but the husbands remained devoted to them.” I am not sure what part of “in sickness and in health…” is being interpreted to mean, unless you are too sick to have sex with me, then of course I can lie to you, deceive you, and sleep around. I would not call that a good, loving husband, I would call that a liar and a cheat. In my opinion, the whole damn thing is about being open and honest. I’m just not sure when it became acceptable that obsessively lying to someone is being kind or devoted. It is being selfish. And selfishness is what this is all about.

Unless a man (or woman) is in an open relationship, of which both parties agree, sleeping with anyone else other than your partner, is infidelity. Not usually covered under a traditional marriage license, OR most spoken or unspoken verbal agreements between partners. So, yeah, maybe instead of sleeping with these men, directing out and away would be the more ladylike thing to do. I am not a prude. I am not mean. I am a wife who wanted the truth, expected the truth, because that is the agreement I made and that is what I gave to my relationship.

She states, “what surprised me was that these husbands weren’t looking to have more sex. They were looking to have any sex.” Really? Really? Just take a look around the blogosphere, lady. Liar liar pants on fire. Many of these men are getting a lot more sex than they admit to, and if they aren’t, boo hoo. Cheating is not the answer. The author also talks about a man whose wife supposedly consented to him having an affair because she didn’t want to have sex with him anymore. Um, okay. Did the writer actually confirm this with the wife? Ever think that this cheater you are having sex with is lying to you? Yeah, it does seem obvious, now, doesn’t it.

She states that she knows “what it feels like to go off sex and to want more than your partner.” She then puts some blame on menopause. What? I thought she wanted sex and that is why she slept with married men? Did her husband go through menopause. I’m confused. I wonder if she communicated all this to her ex, you know, the advice she is giving to all of us. She then brings up Esther Perel, of course, and the theory that for wives, “sex outside of marriage is their way of breaking free from being responsible spouses and mothers they have to be at home. Married sex, for them, often feels obligatory. An affair is adventure.” Wait, so now we’re talking about cheating wives??? And yeah, I feel the same about cheating wives as I do cheating husbands. It’s wrong. Stop lying and justifying and talk about your needs with the person you promised to spend the rest of your life with, or don’t, and get out before you hurt someone.

I don’t care how this woman rationalizes her behavior. In my book, it’s just wrong. And the men, well of course not telling the wife, in their warped mind, is the kind thing to do. But in fact, it is the cruel thing to do. Cruel and heartbreaking and soul sucking, that’s what it is, but go ahead people, rationalize away. Rationalize your lying, cheating, deceitful behavior. I know people want to say that it is not this woman’s fault that she slept with men who were married. They’re the ones who are married, not her. But, she willingly participated in hurtful behavior and then she has the gall to advise other people on how to behave in their marriage. It seems quite obvious to me that open communication is the key to successful relationships, all of them, not just intimate ones. Lying and cheating are poisons that kill relationships. I don’t need to sleep with women’s husbands to figure that one out. Duh.

And then, to top it all off, she backs off and says, “Meanwhile, the husbands I spent time with would have been fine with obligatory sex. For them, adventure wasn’t the main reason for their adultery.” I call bullshit. Adventure and intrigue is what they want. Secret, tawdry sex with someone who is willing to give it away for free is exactly what they’re after. She’s rationalizing again. The same kind of rationalizing that my husband’s other woman got caught up in. Oh baby, honey, sweetie…. wifey doesn’t give you any sex? You poor thing. Here let me throw my body at you and convince myself that what we have is real. The author apparently didn’t want anything real, and that’s probably how she can rationalize giving anyone else advice. She wasn’t being hurt in the process, but she was hurting other people.

In one section of the article, she states that she didn’t have a full on affair with one of the husbands. That they slept together a few times over a few years, talked on the phone, etc… Um, in my book, that IS an affair??? When did marital fidelity and standards of decency go out the window? This is an article in the fucking New York Times!!!

The author also admits to having conversations with these men about telling their wives. If things aren’t fulfilling at home, just talk about it and make it better. Ha, ha, ha. That would work, lady, if in fact it were true. This whole line of “not wanting to hurt the wife,” is just that. A line. They don’t want to get caught and have to stop this behavior that they find stimulating. Not the wife’s fault. We all have shit we need to work on, but feeding the cheater what he wants isn’t exactly a healthy way to get what you want. Stick with the single guys… apparently most of them don’t want a “real” relationship either.

Rant over.

 

 

50 thoughts on “Rationalization 101

  1. So I know I shouldn’t have but I did I broke into his phone,just because of a gut feeling and sure enough there was text messages from multiple women. But the one that throws me is one from a man …….. sexual in nature and then a threesome with the other man’s wife I’d how to feel or what to do????? After over 24 years together I am completely baffled at this can someone PLEASE HELP ME……… any advice might help thank you

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  2. So I read the article – I had to! Basically I think she’s a classic sex addict. She’s minimising her behaviour and using sex to deal with real emotional issues. She’s also totally in denial about it! Poor woman, she needs help!

    In my experience of this situation (which I really wish I didn’t have) these women are sad, pathetic creatures with no self awareness or self respect. Every single one of the women my husband acted out with was a total screwed up mess and a downgrade on what he already had. The fact that they were so screwed up was what made them an easy target. As much as I hate them, I also feel compassion for them because I’d really hate to be in their shoes!

    It’s everywhere and it’s depressing. I was at an event this weekend where I got chatting to a guy that I know has a girlfriend and a baby. Despite this he was clearly coming on to me. I showed him my wedding ring and his response was, “that shouldn’t bother you!” Yes it should and does! So does the fact that you have a family at home dude! I just thank God that I have the self respect to be true to what I believe in. I’d have felt terrible if I’d taken him up on his advances but I never would. These women don’t have that strength. It’s sad and I really do feel sorry for them.

    It’s the same for the guys. My husband doesn’t feel good about the things he’s done. He feels ashamed and worthless because of it. Nobody is winning here. It’s just a huge mess! 😢

    Liked by 2 people

    • The only ones that seem to think the cheaters are having “fun,” and the wives are to blame for not being “enough,” is the press and the haters. It’s all about them, not us. All those judgy people out there who think it can’t or it won’t happen to them. I agree that there is something wrong with everyone that cheats. It doesn’t make them evil necessarily, just messed up. Regarding the author of the article, she is in denial, but doesn’t seem all that ashamed of her behavior, and usually that is a tell tale sign of an addict, but who knows. You are correct, nobody is winning. ❤

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  3. I’m sure I have read this ‘article’ somewhere before. And mentally binned it. It really is a piece on narcissistic bullshit justification. These people exist. I huge numbers. I will believe what I am told. Because it makes me feel good about doing bad things. I share your disgust and outrage. But sadly accept that if these people have to exist, best it is not in my life. Sadly, we can’t control who a partner decides to bring into our lives, without our knowledge. That is the infuriating part for me. That I am honest. We talked about this crap. Always. Long before I knew about any affairs. I thought our communication was exemplary. That is what makes me so damn angry. And pretty damn devastated, disappointed and a bit broken x.

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    • There is a saying in the program about people like myself and sadly Karin. They are incapable of being honest with themselves…the path of self awareness for the betrayers the abusers is a painful one and most people run away from their pain by seeking pleasure and engaging in misconduct. Your wound like Kats you will never fully heal from…Wounded courageous sisters. Karin and the NYT are in the river of denial. But everyone has the potential at any point in time to become aware. May Karin find the courage to change, may the NYT not enable their paper to be a source of denial and abuse, may the NYT be able to shine a light on itself and earn its living mindfully. The important point is to tap into our compassion and not our hate. You and Kat are some of the most wise and courageous sisters I know. For Kat to stay with me is something that is a gift each day is a miracle. Thanks for being in Kats life she needs you, all of you. This place has been a safe place for the most part and her followers that have come here with just love and acceptance in their hearts have made this place a safe container.

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      • Thanks, BE, for sharing. It’s weird that I’m responding to you on my blog from 2000 miles away. I have very little expectations of the NYT and I do realize that they are in the biz to sell papers. The author of this piece has her own moral code and compass, very different from mine and I realize this. I’m not that naive. I’m just a little shocked that she thinks any married couple would want her advice. Miss you! ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks, BE. I know it is possible to live a loving, authentic and kind life. Maybe even more determined to do so than ever. I know how hard you two work to take the brave path. Very grateful for both of you and our friendship 😍

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  4. I think this woman just feels a need to rationalize what she must know, in her heart, is just plain wrong. It’s like covering up a big poo by spraying rose perfume in the air. It’s fine to attempt, but it will never mask the ugly. A lot of people just refuse to take responsibility for bad behavior, they just choose to mask it. It’s just a bit pathetic. Laugh it off lovely, we live in Donald Trump’s America where stupidity abounds.
    ♥️♥️♥️

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  5. “She never contemplates that these men… who are lying to women that they are in long term relationships with, aren’t leaving, and who they profess to love… might be lying TO HER.” Blackacre, my thoughts exactly. I laughed aloud several times reading Karin’s article (let’s say her name). She never contemplates that possibly she is being exploited here? Do any of these men even take her to dinner or spring for a carryout? Watch Netflix? Take a look at that leaky faucet for her? Um, no. Just come over, she performs sex on them and they leave, no strings. Oh she did see one drink a beer. And there are telephone talks. LOL Hey, what a deal for the guys. Don’t have to pay a hooker or pay for a hotel room. Wow.

    Seriously, what I was struck by was her “giving advice” to married couples while admitting her own 23 year marriage went belly-up. At age 49, Not an easy time of life for a woman in America to have a failed marriage. I even wondered if her having sex with married men was a way of saying, “See, their marriages aren’t working either.” She doesn’t say why her marriage ended (23 yrs?) just that it wasn’t because of an affair so she couldn’t possibly relate to these poor cheated-on wives. Uh huh. Her closing statement of something to the effect of these men didn’t have the courage to ask their wives why no more sex was revealing. What didn’t her husband have the courage to ask her?

    This modern love series of the NYT has been compared to that series in Penthouse (is that still around?) in which people shared their own sexual exploits. Usually interesting to read, if nothing else for the laughs.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I found the article neither interesting nor useful. I wonder who would? She states that she slept with both married and single men, because after all, she was just after sex. How romantic, NOT! I guess she didn’t find sleeping with married men wrong? That’s messed up, in my book. The part about her providing something they aren’t getting at home is delusional and also, even if partly true for some, still not okay. I don’t think this piece is print worthy, but more than anything I think it’s a statement on how selfish we humans can be and mainstream cheating, lying, and using people has become a way of life. Blech! And, as far as her giving out advice to anyone, that is laughable. xo

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      • OMG. I finally had a chance to read this and what the??? Is this really a thing? That young people are this caught up in what happens on television and in the movies that they don’t realize they need to just stop and live their life and not liken it to someone else or someone else’s life or how men behave in a movie or whatever. Crazy. Silly. I honestly couldn’t much get past the comment about how much she loves Olive Garden and even better than that, the Times Square location???? I guess in that respect BE and I are meant for each other… neither of us likes Olive Garden? Thanks for sharing, B.

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        • Hi CK. I posted that to call total BS about the ridiculous claim that Modern Love is comparable to Penthouse🙄

          This Sunday’s column was about a woman who wanted to honor her promise to her wife not to drink, regardless of whether the wife would find out.

          Penthouse my ass🤣

          Liked by 1 person

          • Yeah, LOL, I get it. I’ve never read Penthouse, so I’m not familiar with it. If not taken too seriously, Modern Love can be quite entertaining. I wish I was going to France next month, but I will be in NYC for a fun event. Our older son is a fellow at a well known museum and will be having a show opening that he helped curate. I do love the city. xo

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            • You MUST see this exhibit, I saw it yesterday because I love Impressionism and wanted especially to see the paintings of some of the places I am visiting in Paris and Normandy. It is in a really cool space-in-the round on the lower level of the Met. Also visited the galleries with the permanent collection of Impressionists and saw several more painted in Normandy, especially one of the Monets at the cathedral in Rouen; I am staying at a kooky B&B over a Boulangerie there😍

              https://www.metmuseum.org/exhibitions/listings/2018/public-parks-private-gardens

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              • Oh, how fun. I’ve been to Giverny and Rouen. Anything over a Boulangerie sounds good to me. I can imagine the smells. I’ll definitely go to the exhibit at the met. We’ll probably be in the city for a week, so plenty of time. I also love Impressionism.

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  6. Cynical me. Follow the money. This article was accepted by NYT because it was sure to generate revenue. I read the article and it is just garbage. Nothing new here, folks. Just repeating other trash.

    By the way. Yay, you got to see horses! I love NC. If you had time I could tell you about a zillion places in NC and VA. Y’all have had some unusual weather this year. Hang on, it gets better.

    Liked by 2 people

    • The weather is especially bad today… glad I didn’t have anything planned! I’m here for two more weeks, but most days I don’t go anywhere. I don’t like to miss my exercise classes! I’m planning a trip to Asheville soon.

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  7. Modern Love is a 14 year old column in the NYT. It is also available as a podcast. In that time they have published essays about every last type of relationship under the sun. Many are controversial or anger inducing for some, but that is editorial discretion.

    Like it or not, not every relationship one person considers legitimate or acceptable or approval worthy represents the universe of relationships. The Times is a liberal leaning paper with a diverse readership. They don’t seek universal approval of their content. People are free to stop their subscription at any time (I am a 32 year print subscriber).

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, B. I have to admit I don’t subscribe to any newspaper and I was hoping you would enlighten me on the Modern Love title, as I know you regularly read the NYT. I am completely aware that this world is made up of all kinds of people and all kinds of relationships and cheating has become a topic openly discussed and often rationalized. I acknowledge that I enjoy having this venue, my own space, to discuss topics of importance to me. I don’t condone cheating or lying and I think it is laughable that a woman who admits to cheating with married men can somehow rationalize her behavior enough to believe she has the right to give married people advice and that her advice includes having a discussion with your spouse once a year. In my opinion, healthy relationships include open communication all the time, not once a year. And that she has shared her opinions on such a large stage, makes me shake my head. Thus my title including the word rationalization. I realize no news source seeks universal approval of content… quite the opposite it seems. The more titillating the better.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Hi CK. There is a distinct difference, of course, between the message and the messenger. That’s what I reacted to. One of a million reasons I love the Times is it works very hard to report things as they are, not as anyone wishes things would be. They’re not perfect but they are peerless, worldwide, in the pursuit of the ideal of a free press.

        Going to France next month, Paris and Normandy, and planning to check out some of your favorite places in Paris.

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  8. So the Grey Lady (NYT) is taking submissions from skanky whores? Yep. The end of days is coming.

    I notice that – at least in mobile access- they aren’t permitting comments to the… I hate to call it an article… sorry ass confessional. Nor did they post the typical link to this woman’s contact info. I hope that betrayed spouses everywhere seek her out and troll her to no end.

    Oh, and I see she’s writing a memoir. Lucky us.

    Xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • I didn’t actually look at it that closely nor really process the author’s name. Typical me… something pisses me off and I just run with it. Allowing comments to something like that just invites a whole lot of hurt on the author. I’m sure they took that into consideration. I mean it ain’t exactly brain surgery to state that couples should communicate more. Not sure how that lets her off the hook for her awful behavior (or the “poor” husbands who supposedly aren’t getting any sex, yawn, but oh well. 🙂 ❤

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      • Can you even imagine the comments?? I’m sure she would have been roasted.

        Seriously though, the piece is written as if the “facts” as she states them are true. She never contemplates that these men… who are lying to women that they are in long term relationships with, aren’t leaving, and who they profess to love… might be lying TO HER. The whole premise of the piece is a sham.

        If this is all it takes to get published in the New York Times these days, I should put pen to paper.

        I hope you are well and still enjoying your time down south!
        ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

    • It is very rare that comments are open for Modern Love. The Times does not allow comments as much as all the trashy papers that don’t moderate for civility, which use comments for clickbait and therefore revenue.

      Liked by 1 person

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