Possibly been sticking my head where it doesn’t belong again, and getting my panties in a wad.
For those of us who have been in long term marriages, or intimate partnerships, we know it’s not all sweetness and light. It’s not all romance and sexy time. In fact, it’s mostly not about that at all. The strength of the relationship depends on honesty, integrity, compassion, compromise, and kindness. This would be a very heavily trafficked two way street. If one partner is doing all the heavy lifting, constantly compromising, the marriage may continue, but happiness will die. Many times the marriage eventually dies too. The issue is not with the “marriage,” it’s with one or both of the people in the marriage.
If a person isn’t able to be honest and kind with the partner they have shared decades with, the mother or father to their children, the person who was with them when money was tight, when intimacy was a chance meeting between feeding times, or a quick moment of bliss in the shower before racing off to the office, what is the likelihood this person will remain faithful, kind, loving, and honest to a secret lover, an affair partner, a sexual escapade. The excitement is in the chase. The reality is in the depth and breadth of lies told to get there.
Affairs are an illusion. They are bred out of weakness. There are all kinds of reasons given, of course, by both cheating parties as to how and why it happened, but none are legitimate if lies are involved. If an honest person doesn’t want to be with their spouse anymore, they leave. A dishonest person will tell any number of lies to get a fix. If a man truly wants to be with you, he will be, no lies needed. If he’s lying to his wife, he’s lying to you. Why would an affair partner think differently? If the spouse is so awful, why do they stay? If s/he “changed” why stay?
Here are a few lies told by my very own husband (it does seem like there is some kind of manual for this shit):
My wife doesn’t have sex with me. I don’t even think my wife loves me anymore. My wife is not nurturing. My wife thinks my sexual needs are unnatural. My wife is not interested in sex. My wife doesn’t give me any attention. We have a marriage of convenience. I stay mostly for the kids. I don’t want to break up my family.
And specific lies told to his affair partner to keep her attached by feeding into her emptiness:
You are beautiful. I love you. You have gorgeous blue eyes. You’re great in bed. You turn me on. I love being with you. This isn’t just about sex. I would spend more time with you if I could.
He also told her about his childhood, his life, our marriage, and our children… all to keep her on the hook and make her feel legitimately wanted and needed and loved. As Blue Eyes’ first therapist said after reading one of the cards she sent, “she thinks she’s your soulmate.”
The truth is, my husband never intended to leave me, but he lied overtly and by omission to keep this woman on the line for 8 years. Any person that would do that has something seriously wrong with them, and he definitely does. Any affair partner that would believe so many vacant promises while receiving very little in return, except a lot of monotonous sex, should probably seek a therapist.
Affairs aren’t sexy. They’re disgusting. I know, I know. Movies, books, TV, tabloids… all say differently. People who have affairs are attractive and desperately in love, blah, blah, blah. Affairs are wrong. No two ways about it.
He or she is not going to leave their spouse. And even if they do, get ready for lots of lies in your future, because your relationship was born out of a lie.
And for those who were cheated on and turn around and have an affair with a married person… why? You know it doesn’t feel good, why do that to someone else?
And for the love of all things good, stop believing “the wife” is a horrible person just because your married lover tells you so. How can you separate lie from truth when you are in a relationship with a cheater?
The other woman in my life called me because she was pissed off my husband ended “it” with her and she wanted me to be in agony. Based on correspondence she sent after the phone call, she was still very much in love with my husband and didn’t want any harm to come to him. But me, she wanted me to SUFFER. Go figure.
Rationalizing bad behavior is the death knell for integrity. Before we can have truly honest loving and committed relationships with others, we must have that brutally honest conversation with ourselves.
Peace out! ❤️
Oh, there is a Rationalization 101, it’s here