The next message Blue Eyes sent early Tuesday morning went like this:
Been thinking of going to beach house Friday through Sunday or Monday morning are you up for it? What do you think?
Ironically, one of the only “conversations” we had had the night before involved me telling Blue Eyes that our son and I had discussed us, all of us, Blue Eyes of course, and our son, our two dogs AND the cat (as she can no longer stay home alone since her sister passed away last summer), all spending the weekend at the beach house. I was talking, but when I saw that Blue Eyes was on his phone, doing something, not listening to me, I just stopped talking and he never noticed. He must have heard some of what I was saying, way back in the recesses of his mind but obviously doesn’t remember where the idea came from as now he is claiming it as his own.
Is anyone else as frustrated as I am? This shit is so infuriating, but also heart breaking.
At 8:49 Tuesday morning, his next message came through:
in flight just wanted to let you know how difficult it is to be without you
As that point, I was on the road, heading to a 10am appointment. The drive was two hours long. My phone let him know that I was driving with Do Not Disturb activated.
He then sent this message:
I know I am radioactive but I think this is new age. It’s a revolution. I will get it right this time. (I think he must have been listening to music on the plane. These words sound suspiciously like song lyrics). I know it’s scary and it all seems too familiar. This time it’s all in. I won’t disappoint you. I need you in the rocket ship. All systems go. It does not work without my co-pilots. Systems are coming on line. It’s a new beginning.
I kid you not, word for word, that is what he wrote. What the actual fuck? I can summarize my feelings at this point in a few words… he never takes ownership, he never addresses the real problems, he deflects from any responsibility, he ignores my needs and my moods, he refuses to talk about things when we are face to face, then sends weird selfish (what he obviously thinks are cute) messages to make himself feel better. His life is supposedly more difficult without me? Why? There is no feeling there, just a statement about how his life is somehow less than because of the circumstances. And yeah, he’s gonna make it right “this time.” Why is this even a “time.” And if this is a “time” how many “times” have come before this one? Dozens, hundreds, thousands? A LOT, that’s how many, A LOT. To be clear, we’re no longer in the post infidelity trauma stages. I know everything I am ever gonna know about his sexual acting out shit. I know all about his childhood wounds. He’s been in recovery and therapy for sex addiction for five years. This, now, what I’m dealing with, is where he’s at. I’m not sure if he has decided that staying sober takes a fuck ton of work, so to hell with giving Kat what she needs as a life companion. He can barely keep his life right side up much less deal with me. Oh, he has shown empathy and compassion and all that, but perhaps not while he was juggling his work addiction on overdrive. I think he tossed his work addiction (if ever so briefly) aside to deal with the fallout of his secret life being revealed. He worked hard for 4+ years, now he has let the work addiction take back over. That’s what I think.
I am a strong woman. I am not some whiny little bitch upset because hubby shut down her cable. I am just so freakin’ tired of the bad behavior and the deflections from his own culpability. It is still his first instinct to do what works best for him and then damn the consequences. Have the consequences really been that bad for him? I think NOT.
When I finally was able to send a response to his text messages, I knew he was in transit and I was not in a mood to speak with him anyway, so I just typed away:
Just so you know where I’m at, when I saw in your message earlier “Been thinking… ” I really thought you were going to say you had been thinking about my text messages from yesterday and what I had been trying to get through to you and you were going to address my pain. Nope. I honestly don’t know why I bother hoping you will ever get it, get what you’ve done and just listen and do the right thing the first time. Based on yesterday, I feel you took a huge step back, or maybe you were pretending all along. I know it’s easy to rationalize that it’s this or it’s that, but it isn’t any of those excuses you want to use. It’s you. You never step outside your comfort zone. It breaks my heart. There were so many things you could have done yesterday for me, but you didn’t. I told you it wasn’t about the tennis/tv/cable, whatever. Those were merely symptoms of a big problem that eats away at me little by little every day. There are so many things you can do, but you don’t. You do what is easiest for you. You continue to make excuses and rationalize. If I was a priority, I would feel it. Read back through my texts and tell me you didn’t ignore my needs. I still feel the same as yesterday. Nothing has changed. You haven’t made it better. This isn’t going away and it won’t because it hinges on you. I know you are busy, swamped with work, ungrounded, whatever. Those will never be legitimate excuses for not being kind, loving, giving, and understanding of me. After all this time, you still don’t get it. Or maybe you do, and you just don’t care.
Perhaps you couldn’t tell how bad things were when I was sobbing on the phone and had to hang up? Perhaps you just didn’t want to deal with it. If you had heard my pain, you would have come home immediately, got me, taken me to a safe place, and held my hand and truly listened to me, and heard me. Instead you got our son up and I had to shut down emotionally, which is incredibly damaging to me. It’s all trapped inside. My heart hurts.
And here is what he sent less than 5 minutes later (if I wasn’t crying, I would have laughed out loud):
Thinking of you. Same room we had last time. We’re just hanging out as only one room is ready. Do you remember this?
Oh man, guys. Of course I remember this strange toilet situation in a room Blue Eyes and I stayed at nearly six years ago on a wedding anniversary trip to Los Angeles. A trip during which he spent hours talking with his sexual acting out partner. He spent an entire Beverly Hills shopping trip for his niece’s birthday glued to his phone texting his sex partner. I know this because of the phone records that were eventually shared with me during his first step. I purchased myself flowers that trip in the lobby flower shop while he was away “at meetings” because I love flowers and I called them my anniversary flowers. He never commented on them. Yeah, this is the same hotel, and the same room we stayed in together. But not only that, this is the only response I get to what I wrote above. After I remind him about the last time we stayed in that room, he sends this:
I am sorry for everything that I have done. I will do better. I will be at coast on Friday unless you do not want me there…
Pity party much? We live together. He will see me way before the coast on Friday. Ugh.
That evening I sent him a pretty selfie of myself before going to bed and told him that if I didn’t love him so much, he would be out of chances. I knew he was sleeping and that he would be up in the morning before me. I honestly thought he would wake to my message and send me something right away, letting me know he liked that I sent him a nice, sweet, thoughtful message for him to wake up to. Nope.
I woke up to nothing
He read my message at 8:05 in the morning, but waited until he had showered, worked, and attended a breakfast meeting before sending me this:
Good morning beautiful. I am dead to the world, but happy
He sent that message at 10:34am. I had been up for some time. He later made the excuse that he didn’t want to wake me up with a text message. We have had this conversation so many times. I don’t keep my ringer on on my phone. I don’t even have it on vibrate. He knows it wouldn’t have woken me up, but he chose not to text me, and to use that as an excuse. I wanted to just let it go, but I was in one of my moods, and I just couldn’t. This is what I wrote:
I was hoping to receive that message much earlier than this. You have to know that I do care whether you are thinking of me (over other things) and that you express it to me. Not when it’s convenient, after getting ready and having a meeting, but if you actually think of me when you wake up without me. You read my message at 8:05am. I know you think you can’t win no matter what you do, or you never do anything right, but please view this from my perspective. You don’t even try.
If I wasn’t the person I am, it would be quite easy for me to fill the voids you leave behind, with other people, but I don’t. Not a threat, a reality. Don’t you have a book about watering the seeds in your garden (relationship)? I know you read things and they become your favorite thing to talk about for the moment. You even purchase books to give away to other people. Which is all fine, but hypocritical if you aren’t taking care of your own garden. I’m dying. I’m withering from lack of care in our relationship. This isn’t like “old times” where you put in a little effort then go back to ignoring. This time is different. I’m different.
Five years has actually hit me quite hard (I’m supposed to be all healed up, right?) and I think you are just going to continue on this lackluster path.
Lily’s not going down to breakfast.
He read my entire message, commented not one little bit on anything I said, EXCEPT…
Call me regarding Lily.
Lily is our 10 1/2 year old Golden Retriever. I was eventually able to get our old girl to come down to breakfast. I think she was just being obstinate. She’s quite manipulative. Probably wanted me to bring breakfast to her… and people think I’m spoiled, ha.
Anyway, I’m writing this here to get this off my very heavy hearted chest and move forward. I know what I signed up for 5+ years ago. I have evaluated my situation many many times and I continue to do so on the daily. I wish it wasn’t so, but this is a pretty thankless journey. Blue Eyes and I haven’t really talked much about any of this. We had lunch together when he got back to town. He’s incredibly busy, but never an excuse for ignoring my needs. He knows this. We leave for the beach house after work today. In a week we’ll be off to Paris, then Miami, then I will have my month to myself in North Carolina.
Life marches on…