I woke up to nothing, part one

675634-Jack-Kornfield-Quote-The-trouble-is-that-you-think-you-have-timeJack Kornfield said, “At the end of life, our questions are very simple: Did I live fully? Did I love well?”

I’ve always held my husband completely accountable for all the lies, all the cheating, all the betrayal. Forgiveness came fairly easy to me (perhaps too easy). I don’t hold hate and resentment in my heart, as a rule. I don’t think about it, it is merely how I developed, from childhood. Compassion is also part of my personal repertoire. Although I went through trauma hell for quite a while after discovery of my husband’s secret life, serious trauma for more than three years by my calculation, I still struggle with what is real, and what isn’t in my relationship with Blue Eyes. I still wonder how he defines love and whether he is capable of loving in the truest sense.

I think love is pretty difficult to define, really. It encompasses feelings and ideals. Through all this, I learned that my love really isn’t unconditional unless we are talking about innocents, like animals and infants. For me love is based on how I feel, but it also translates into how I behave. I treat things I love with great care and attention, nurturing, and honesty. Love is about giving. On the flip side of that, if we are to feel truly loved (an important part of life, I think), we need the same kinds of attention given to us. Being truly loved, knowing it, feeling it, is a great gift.

We can love without being loved back, it’s a thing, but where I am right now with my husband, with everything he has perpetrated on me and our marriage, I no longer desire to love him fully, romantically, intimately, without feeling love back. The kind of love that makes me feel appreciated and understood, not taken for granted. And this is where today’s story begins.

This past weekend I wrote about how I have been struggling. About tears. Tears that were actually driven by an overwhelming feeling of emptiness. It started a couple weeks ago. My feelings are most definitely a reaction to how I feel I am being treated by my husband. They almost always are these days. After five years, I have healed from the most obvious wounds. The shock, horror, and esteem wounds have healed nicely. The trust wounds are sorta healing up, but the actual broken heart, it’s still hemorrhaging.

I fell apart Monday morning. I really didn’t feel like doing anything. All the lengthy phone conversations and battling with Blue Eyes regarding our business and our employees had taken its toll. I wanted to pour myself a cup of tea and just watch tennis. They’re in the second week of Indian Wells. I don’t play much tennis anymore, but I love, love, love to watch it. Y’all know that. When I’m not able to watch it live, especially Grand Slams, I watch on TV. It’s on in the background whether I’m taking a conference call, reading a book, or cooking dinner. This brings me to Blue Eyes’ latest and extremely annoying desire to get rid of cable television. He has been plotting and planning this for months now. He wasn’t really asking me if we could get rid of cable, he was telling me he was definitely getting rid of it, so I was to let him know what “I couldn’t live without” before he called Comcast.

I was confused by his sudden desire to eliminate one of my favorite mind-numbing pastimes, and something I have enjoyed for 30+ years. If you are in a marriage with someone who has been loyal and loving and understanding and compassionate towards your horrid behavior, your neglect, your lying, and cheating and acts of betrayal, why would you take away one of her favorite things? Why? His excuse was money. He could save us A LOT of money. Apparently he did a whole spread sheet where he compared what our Comcast cable was costing us per year and what it would cost to just have the channels I like to watch (talk about a waste of time). He also needed to purchase a couple more Apple TV’s (he’s obsessive with the technical shit, we already have one, but these things become outdated super quick… who knew… Apple???). He never showed me the spreadsheet. I never watched much on Netflix, or Hulu, or AmazonPrime unless I was watching a program with Blue Eyes or our son. To be honest, I never really cared to figure it out. I had every cable channel available to me, why did I need that other stuff. But really, Blue Eyes went for months mentioning getting rid of the cable, but he never did, so I kind of forgot about it. Then finally he did cancel the cable. He said he had come up with a solution for the networks I liked watching, especially the tennis channel and ESPN, the two networks that cover professional tennis. He canceled cable, removed all the equipment, and mailed it all back to the cable company while I was at lunch with a friend. A couple weeks ago he showed me his solution for tennis. It didn’t work. He said he would figure it out. He didn’t, and then the cable was gone. I know I sound like a spoiled child, but honestly, I like my fucking cable TV. It grounds me!!!

So Monday morning, while crying tears of exhaustion, I sat down with my healthy smoothie thinking I would be able to watch my tennis (because, again, y’all know how important this is for me). And I tried. I tried to figure out the channel he had subscribed to, but there were no live matches even though, technically, there were about 8 good matches being played at the time. I could feel my tension mounting and I called Blue Eyes, as I started to talk, the flood gates opened and I just started crying. This wasn’t about Cable Television, and we both knew it. Blue Eyes said something stupid, and I had to hang up and I couldn’t catch my breath.

I resorted to texting Blue Eyes and he basically said, oh, I never figured it out. I’ll do it later when I get home. Then I fell apart. I had just frankly had it. All the broken promises came crashing down around me. Why was he so dead set on getting rid of something I loved? We’re not really on any kind of strict budget. At this point, we don’t need to be. So why my cable TV? Why was that the first place he went… because it’s something I love, and he could somehow control me or my behavior by taking it away from me. I strongly feel this because I live with an addict who spent years in the guise of a super nice, loyal, loving, friendly guy, when behind my back he was lying to us all, spending hours and hours plotting his way to his addiction. Even if that meant spending thousands of dollars on business trips even if they weren’t necessary, all to get his hits. Then there were the hours and hours spent viewing porn, texting, grooming, emailing, calling, and visiting other women. Some days it still hits me over the head, like a brick. It’s been five years.

This is the text conversation that ensued, after the phone call, this past Monday morning:

Me: This sucks. I was really trying to be understanding of your need to dump cable. It’s obvious that you don’t understand me at all. You know how much just watching a fucking tv program calms me, grounds me. There’s no one who knows me who doesn’t understand how much I love watching tennis. But this is so much bigger than the tennis channel. This is about you not caring about what’s important to me. It’s about you not following through with promises, about you being selfish and lazy when it comes to my needs. I’m having a horrible day. I don’t know what to do. I can’t face our son this way. I’m going to need to leave the house.

I was already struggling and at this point I was sobbing while typing the above message. My malaise and stress induced symptoms had very little to do with actually watching television, and everything to do with Blue Eyes being a dick. And also, some of the boundaries that had been in place (for my piece of mind, my safety) were shifting. He disregarded my simple needs, he would be traveling out of town without me (by my own making, yes) and hadn’t provided a simple itinerary. His manipulation and control issues were rearing their ugly heads. Basically he was saying with his actions… you are refusing to go with me, so fuck you and your itinerary. I’ve got better things to do. My heart was burning, I felt trapped like I needed a way out. I started looking for sharp objects, just a little release of the pain…

Blue Eyes: I took care of the problem. Our son will help you. I am sorry. I am going to cancel the other channel that didn’t work. Hang in there, deep breaths.

I look at the text message and can’t believe what I am reading. He has woken our son and I don’t know what he told him, but our son is on his way up from his bedroom. After I just said I can’t face him…

I frantically text: This isn’t about the tennis channel. How dare you involve our son after what I said above. You are indeed an asshole. You are fucking unreal. You have no feelings. Just put out fires however suits you. Never really thinking about my needs.

And this is Blue Eyes’ response: I canceled that other channel. Our son will install the new system, it’s called Sling. I am sorry to cause you suffering. You’ve got your channels. Sorry you had to go through this. I regret not being more attentive to your needs.

I read it three times to make sure I was reading it correctly.

Me: You don’t hear a fucking thing I say. This is not about the tennis channel. Who are you? Who is typing this? No matter what I say, you divert to something totally lame. Something almost inhuman. If this is the last conversation you have with me as your wife, is this what you really want to say? I regret to inform you that you have been inattentive to my needs and therefore I tender my resignation as your wife. Signed, your ex wife. I was going to say your ex best friend, but I have no delusion that I was ever your best friend. Best friends don’t treat each other with such disrespect.

Blue Eyes: OMG. I’m sorry. I will call you. I will come home as soon as I can. My apologies.

At this point I was in the bathroom trying to make myself presentable to our son. I have had to stuff down all my feelings in order to just play nice in the real world. I could feel my blood pressure was out of control. My stress level was off the charts. I sat down on the bathroom floor and tried to get my breathing in line. When I returned to my phone (which I never take in the bathroom, as a rule, but Blue Eyes takes his in with him ALL THE TIME, back to breaking all the rules), I listened to his message which is just a pathetic, “I’m sorry, I’ll come home soon.” Translated to mean, “please feel sorry for me and everything I have ever done and I don’t actually intend to come home, I’m just saying that to make myself feel good. If I was actually intending to come home, I would have left already.”

Me: No need to come home. Nothing good will come from that. Our son is up and I am dealing with a monstrous headache. What’s done is done. I’m not quite sure why you don’t read my words and react accordingly. You are like a poorly programmed machine. What I say matters. If you don’t listen, it’s impossible to react properly. This is a bigger problem than you realize. I’m just not strong enough anymore to keep taking the hits. Your inability to see me, my needs, to not be able to treat me with sincere kindness and respect… it’s too much.

Blue Eyes (I’m not kidding, this is his response): You have cable now. This should be grounding. Sling is the cable offering. I get you saying this is not what this is about, but you have cable. We’ll talk later.

Me: I’m not watching television. I won’t be watching television. This isn’t about television. Your comment is insane considering what I have just written here. You have no feelings. You are like a block of ice. You did exactly what I asked you not to do. I needed my space and for you to listen to me, and instead you woke up our son. After I said I couldn’t face him. You are a monster. You not doing what you promised for the 10,000th time was a trigger for living with the reality of having had to live with you not doing what you promised, for 35 years. I know you think I am just venting, but this is much much bigger than that. It’s me finally opening my eyes and realizing you are not capable of keeping promises or putting anyone else’s needs before your own.

When I spoke with my brother last week, getting rid of Comcast was the first thing he brought up??? Why was this such a big fucking deal to you? Because you were able to take something away from me? Something I enjoyed. What was your inner motive? Of all the ways we could save money? Why that??? Because it didn’t affect you other than the fact that you could control me and fuck me over, again. Do you not see your need for control shining through on this one? Then your clear abandonment of the situation once you knew you hadn’t provided me with what I needed. You are so transparent now. Only jumping in to solve the problem after you have upset me and only when absolutely necessary and then patting yourself on the back numerous times… you gave me what I wanted, now just shut up already, Kat! Even your pathetic phone message. I’ll come home as soon as I can. Poor poor Blue Eyes. He didn’t create any of these issues for himself, no. Of course not. Life just keeps handing you shit, right? No fault of your own. And we’re all going to just stick around.

I hope you are having fun. You had nothing on your schedule that I see, but you are obviously filling your time with something far more important than me as you haven’t texted back or even read my messages. You infuriate me. Did you laugh when your pathetic sex partner said she was the least important thing in your life? Did you tell her of course she wasn’t. Of course Kat is. Did you remind her that you literally scheduled me out of International trips so she could go. Obviously Kat is far less important… I lied to her every single day for years. Did you tell her that?

No response from Blue Eyes. Later that afternoon I texted him as our son wanted to know if he had purchased the two Apple TV’s he had budgeted for. Our son wanted to set everything up in the family room as well, as the second location, as that is where my elliptical is. He wanted me to be able to watch tennis in the rooms I frequent. My son is thoughtful.

Blue Eyes texted back that he had only purchased one, but that he would stop on his way home to the Apple Store and purchase the second one. He was supposed to have already purchased the second Apple TV before dumping cable. He was supposed to come home early that day as he was leaving the next morning early for his out of town business trip (or so I was told, because I didn’t actually receive that itinerary until the night before they left, and it came from the PA). Blue Eyes didn’t get home until late, because you know, shopping at the Apple Store is fun. He even sent me a couple pictures of a dog at the store. I didn’t respond. By the time he returned home I had completely shut down all emotion. We barely spoke.

The following morning at 5:42am, while I was sound asleep in bed, he texted me this:

I love you princess (insert princess icon). Waiting for hop along Cassidy. (insert smiley face). Our PA twisted his ankle the weekend before, playing basketball and was now wearing a boot. Miss you (insert kissing heart face) wish you were here.

For anyone still reading… I’m going to stop here for now and write more in my next post. This is just getting too long, but I need to write it out, to keep moving forward.

 

 

51 thoughts on “I woke up to nothing, part one

  1. So as you know my friend my situation is very different to yours. But let me explain that I was in a relationship before ( can’t say too much) where the person was clearly a low level narc. He would gaslight me often, using my strong personality against me: tell me how my people talked about me, didn’t like me, how I imagined things. He would go out to the shop, an errand of 10 mins, and then not come home until 10 at night, but if I was to ask whre he had been he would tell me I was too controlling. He would keep me up all night getting my son’s toys ready for Christmas & if I complained I was being too controlling. I left him in the end, something he hates me for even now, over 20 years later.

    I think it was this part of my life that when Rich left, enabled me to realise, very quickly, that the only thing in life I had was myself, and if I let that get fucked up, then I was lost. I think you get my drift. Stay strong, you are writing alll this now, and feeling the way you do for a reason: it is you looking after you whether you want it to or not. Sending a hug ❤️❤️
    Moisy

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I know it’s not about the cable per say …. but What a strange fixation, to focus on. Of all the things to save money on, I just find this one the oddest choice.

    We all have things that provide us a bit of joy and escapism, and I’m sorry he tried to snatch that for you, as I know it gives you peace.

    I can’t understand his motives, but then again I don’t understand men. Sometimes they just seem so cruel and unfeeling. Are they aware of how they come off? I truly don’t know. And that feeling of not being listened to, about being steamrollered, I remember what that felt like from my own marriage.

    I like how you always are very forthright with your feelings though, how strong you are. It’s very powerful when u show that if you are disrespected, you are walk away.

    Soon you will have some much needed away time. Sometimes a man needs to be reminded of what he has by feeling it’s absence.

    I hope you are feeling better. I always see you as so strong, and I hate things of feeling anything less than the happiness u deserve.

    ♥️♥️♥️

    Liked by 1 person

    • A very strange fixation indeed, TC. I think sometimes when BE feels overwhelmed by his schedule, work, whatever, he just doesn’t care how he comes off to me. He shuts that down. And yeah, I don’t keep much inside. I would explode!!! Me going back to NC may also be a reason BE is not happy. Who knows. Maybe if he actually shared his feelings, I would know. He lives inside his head a lot. I am doing okay, counting the days until Miami!!! You know this stuff doesn’t stick with me for long. xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      • I know it doesn’t. I love your resilience. You feel the emotion, and then you are really good at letting go. You have a lot of emotional strength. I think when a person is strong and has a lot to give, they sometimes attract people who need that strength because they don’t have it (like BE when he shuts down). I wonder if he realizes how blessed he is to have you.
        See u in a couple weeks!!!!
        ♥️♥️♥️

        Liked by 1 person

  3. It also occurs to me that this could be the beginning of psychological warfare about money, if he really thinks he is losing his grip on you.

    In any case, as you say it is entirely irrational.

    Liked by 3 people

    • He is obviously entirely irrational, to rational people. He’s not normal. The cable/money thing with him is a joke. There are so many other ways we could save money, if we needed to. It was indeed about control. From the very beginning he lied to me and told me his parents wouldn’t allow him to watch television as a child. It was mindless frivolous behavior, unless they were watching a “news” show. They are obsessed with 60 minutes. Anyway, he claimed this for many years. The strange thing is though, it was a total lie. He watched way more television as a child than I did. Saturday morning cartoons, he’s a trekkie, knows everything about every single episode, many other shows as well. I always disliked cartoons, loved Mr. Rogers as a child. Later I watched the occasional sitcom, or whatever. I used to watch All My Children, but there is a very strange story behind that and the alcoholics that lived across the street. My parents never watched soap operas. Anyway, neither here nor there, but since discovery of BE’s secret life, I started watching what he would call mindless TV. After discovery and during therapy he also told me he HATED that I watched TV at night and felt I should be down in his office with him (WHILE HE WAS WORKING, AFTER WORK). Yeah, this is about control. He has never actually managed our money. We have never sat down and had a conversation about saving money. Crazy!!!

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      • When I first met my friend, within a couple of weeks he told me 3 very (at the time) endearing, and elaborate stories about his early life…about what his father did for a living, about his father’s military service, and about his own experiences playing baseball from childhood through college. I found out through the magic of the internet that all the stories were lies. I was dumbstruck when I found the truths, and though I knew by then he is a liar I just couldn’t understand why he made up these very detailed stories. So strange, so sad.

        Liked by 1 person

        • BE is not as bad as his brother was with those kinds of elaborate lies. BE’s brother actually told his first girlfriend that their sister had died in a drowning accident. His girlfriend’s brother had died in a drowning accident, so for some reason he wanted to connect with her with this huge elaborate lie? BE and I went to visit the brother/girlfriend at one point and I said something about the sister. She said but the sister is dead. She drowned many years ago. You can imagine my shock (having just seen the sister the weekend before and knowing she was very much alive) realizing that the brother had told a real whopper of a lie and now how was he going to get out of that hole. They ended up dating for an additional 6 years and were planning on marrying until my fabulous MIL got involved and ran her off. That family!!!! It is sad that people think lying is a legitimate way to communicate. You should hear the rather obvious lies that my MIL tells all the time. Very strange.

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  4. I think he knows he is losing his grip on you, and with this stunt in a way he proved to himself he still has control over you, at least in the moment. The more you detach the more it may escalate.

    Liked by 2 people

    • You could be right, B. I actually think he has decided he just can’t deal with me right now with everything that is going on at work. Apparently hiring him a Personal Assistant has backfired a bit on me as now I think he is pissed that someone is watching over him, trying to keep him on task (which he claims he wants, but actually hates). Most of his shit is driven my internal anger. So internal that no one would know… but me. xo

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  5. I am glad you have posted about your recent struggle, Kat. This is unacceptable behaviour, as you have so clearly pointed out.

    And it illustrates so clearly the permanence, the ongoing nature of the effects of infidelity and sex addiction.

    I’m so sorry this is such a difficult period, I hope things – as in BE – improves sharply very, very smartly.

    Sending huge love 😙😙😙

    Liked by 2 people

  6. So raw and so real. I totally feel you, to the point of resonating (does that even make sense?). Crazy making in practice – like Luci said above: “That little thing they do to make us look irrational and crazy to the world.” Mastery. Insatiable hunger for control, and manipulation through gaslighting and broken promises. This also appears to be a time of increased stress and tenderness for you as he’s embarking on his first Kat-less trip (I can’t begin to imagine how triggering this is in itself, regardless of who wanted it), that combined with all his recent disrespecting of your jointly set boundaries (such as head-turning during vacation, taking phone to bathroom). It’s just too much. Too much for you to have to deal with and too much for him to be so careless and ignorant of your needs. Especially considering he has access to your blog! It’s like a freaking roadmap to your needs. Sigh. I’m sending big hugs.

    Liked by 4 people

    • You always make total sense, MWS. His trip away without me was only a trigger because he didn’t provide me with what he knew I needed, transparency and communication. How can he not get that I put up with him going away all the time for 25+ years without any transparency, communication, or honesty. He is very good at clandestine and compartmentalizing. I really don’t ask for a lot. He’s fucking lucky, really that I’m still here. Everything you say is absolutely correct and unequivocally not fair. It has been five years and he has made a fuck ton of progress away from his SEX addiction, but not so much away from his addictive personality. He still has the same shit, he’s just changed up the packaging. My blog truly is a freaking road map, if he cares to hear what I am saying with my words. These guys are all about the pity party and deflection. Thanks SO MUCH for the hugs. I really do need them. I wish this was easier. I wish I was writing that my life is perfect and I’m so glad I chose to stay with my addict husband and he is doing everything so beautifully and… and… and… that would be a fucking lie and I am anything but a liar. I’m so glad you are popping back into the blogging community occasionally. Wish I had a trip to Chicago planned. big hugs back. xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I love that you call him on his manipulation. It is interesting that if we were to hear his side if the story I am fairly sure how it would be told, only because I used to live with and be married to a sex addict. I recognize gaslighting pretty easily now. That little thing they do to make us look irrational and crazy to the world. If someone caught you midway through this they would think what is up with this, it’s only tv… But as you stated, it is not about the cable, it is about control and broken promises, it is about not listening. I hope you are feeling grounded today. Writing always helps me and I can’t wait to get back to it.

    Liked by 5 people

    • Correct, Luci. It was not about the cable, and he knew it. For pete’s sake, I was crying over my brunch the day before (nowhere near a tv, ha). He knows what is going on and he has chosen what he thinks is the easier path for him, distraction and denial. Not a good path. It was less about gas lighting (this time) and more about just plain ignoring me and my needs. Yes, it was about not listening, on purpose. Asshole. I am doing much better, but still a bit off. Writing always helps me. Sometimes it just takes a while to get it out. I posted these yesterday and then had meetings all afternoon and into the evening, plus residual work this morning. Just now getting a chance to metabolize what I wrote. It has helped for sure. Spring and sunshine is also helping! Thanks for your words. I hope you are able to write very soon. xoxo

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  8. OMG! Kay…(shaking my head.) Robotic…what is it with these guys that do this kind of shit? It was like you said…did he even read a fucking word you wrote? And then, texts you, calls you Princess…like NOTHING had happened?
    I need to shut up…not only shaking my head…feeling like I want to meet this “man” on a dark alley. 😡

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I’m so sorry Kat, for all of your past and continued heartache. This is only about his sick need for control as you know. But you’re the casualty again and he’s not willing to see this nor is he willing to admit his need to control the cable is not really about the cable, and neither is your reaction. I’m so proud of you for standing your ground, stay strong honey, I hope you’re ok xoxoxo

    Liked by 3 people

    • Hi Lady. Thanks for the support. I can always use kind words from people who understand how difficult this all is. An outsider might read the conversation and think I am confrontational and my husband is just trying to contain the situation while attempting to get in a day of work. However, he has made such a big mess of our marriage, that there isn’t anything normal about any of it. It begins and ends with his inability to remain present when I need him. It could be a deal breaker. I just don’t know right now.

      I was having such a rough day, I was contemplating posting the nice ‘good-night’ picture I sent my husband along with pictures of his other women. I am a loyal and loving spouse who was treated poorly and still is treated poorly on some days. There is this sick part of me that wants people to see exactly what my husband was willing to trade me for. Of course, I know, that is petty and isn’t about outward appearances, he wasn’t trading me in, he’s an addict, blah blah blah, but this really evil me wants to post those pictures. He’s not acting out sexually anymore, but talking about his workaholism just isn’t as fun as posting pictures of the women he was willing to get naked with. Ick. I’m obviously still not over this. By the way, I’ve never gone back and looked at the other woman’s Facebook page since I made that pact with you. I deleted the account I used to use to do so and have never re-opened it. That was over a year ago, so I’ve been pretty good, but still want to post pictures. I always have. I’m not as strong and mature as people might think. 😉 xoxo

      Liked by 2 people

      • It’s always tempting to me to expose those cunts, but I really don’t want to risk my freedom (defamation) for those beasts.

        There’s no “evil you”, it’s the dark side of your ego and unfortunately won’t stand by you in the end xo

        Like

        • Pretty sure what they did was worse than anything I would do to them. I’ve never used their real names, and there is no indication that any of them would know or care about my blog. Pretty sure there would be no defamation, and the post would be temporary, but this is probably why it bugs me so much. I paid a huge price for other people’s wrong doings and have been completely respectful of their privacy. Except for the stalking… for that we did call the police. It doesn’t really seem fair, actually it burns. They made choices that seriously affected me. That part of me, whatever it is, wants to show how sick addiction really is by showing what he had and what he was willing to sacrifice it for. I wish I was always a mature, sensible woman, but sometimes I want to have some “fun.” In the case of my husband, addiction is wickedly ugly.

          Liked by 1 person

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