My mother in law wasn’t young, and more recently she had become more frail, however, the overwhelming sentiment by every single person upon hearing of her sudden death, is shock and disbelief. I was not the only person who thought she would outlive us all.

Her entire life, she was bigger than life. She was small, but she was mighty. Mighty loud, mighty racist, mighty mean, and mighty narcissistic. She was downright cruel to my husband, me, and The Peacemaker. In fact, she hadn’t spoken to my younger son since he dropped out of college due to anxiety and depression. That was 10 years ago! A situation exacerbated by the suicide of her own youngest child while mine was in high school. She never called him, never reached out in any way. She just basically disowned him. I mean there was never any love lost between she and I, she hated me from first sight, but my baby. Her grandson? It didn’t make sense, but I always selfishly felt like he was better off without her. It’s still strange. I can only imagine how he feels?

For those who have read the blog, you know I hadn’t spoken to my mother in law since the strange dinner in 2019 when Blue Eyes decided he was ready to reconnect with his parents after 6 years of working on himself including 12-step, therapy, meditation, introspection, etc… he wanted a relationship with his dad and as cruel as they had been to all of us, it’s his family, his choice. I sat beside him at that dinner, and stayed by his side in support of his decision to reconnect, but I did not reconnect. I didn’t see the point. Why would I continue to punish myself by letting them be mean to me.

Last week Blue Eyes’ mother called him on the phone, just to talk. He was on his way home from a grueling one day business trip to San Francisco, but he took her call. They had a pleasant conversation. His mother talked about how they had just returned from a trip to see their youngest grandson, only child of their deceased son. He’s 14 now. It’s been 13 years since his dad committed suicide. Of course he doesn’t remember his dad. Unfortunately, since returning from the trip, Blue Eyes’ dad was now suffering from Covid and she had been taking care of him, getting chicken soup, and Paxlovid, grocery shopping, etc, etc… Blue Eyes knew that she had lost weight over the past few months, and he mentioned that he couldn’t believe she had the energy to do all that and maybe she should get some help, maybe it was too much.

Blue Eyes says it was a nice conversation and he’s really glad that if he had to have one last conversation with his mother, that it was pleasant. I knew nothing of the conversation as Blue Eyes had taken to not telling me about conversations with his parents and I was glad for that. When we received the call from his sister just a couple days later, we were shocked. The last communication between Blue Eyes’ sister and her mother hadn’t been as pleasant. They were planning on taking her out to lunch for her birthday, but didn’t want her husband to come. Her last communication to them was merely, “if my husband can’t come to lunch, I’m not coming.” Her mother died the next day.

I personally believe she died of covid. She went to sleep in the guest room due to her husband’s covid cough. She never woke up. Blue Eyes flew in that night. The Peacemaker arrived the next day. The Pragmatist and I arrived the following day, and then there was the funeral. It’s been a stressful few days. I’m surprised I’m having such trouble processing this. There’s just so much baggage. Blue Eyes’ father cried for two days straight. It was difficult to witness. They’d been married for 62 years. As I said to Blue Eyes’ the day she died, whatever they did, whomever they hurt, they did it as a team, and now there is only one. They both thought he would go first. He’s just shy of 89. She was 83. To him, it doesn’t seem fair.

A few good things came from this past week. Blue Eyes has strengthened his relationship with his father (and his father hasn’t been mean to him). The Peacemaker now has a relationship with his grandfather, we all have now reconnected with the nephew/cousin, and everyone is speaking to each other again. Blue Eyes’ sister still needs work. She’s still so much like her mother. She’s insecure and competitive. We’re working on her. I’m hoping she comes around and realizes how messed up her thinking is. I think she will.

Meantime, what to do with Blue Eyes’ father. We don’t want to leave him alone right now. The Pragmatist had to get back to NYC yesterday. The Peacemaker flew home a couple hours ago. Blue Eyes has the lion’s share of the burden ahead. The sister will help, but she has a camping trip planned for next week and we want her to take it. I’m here a couple more days for moral support for Blue Eyes, but he has out of town clients next week, so the boys will fly in to take over, I might join them. I need to get out to the beach house to bring supplies and handle some maintenance. Life goes on for the rest of us.

Life goes on…