Sometimes I sit and wonder if it’s me. But then I quickly realize it isn’t. I didn’t create this horrid situation in our marriage. I’m not to blame for the bad shit that transpired. It’s a trick and a trap that those of us who care about an addict can fall into. Does my melancholy mood create a bigger void. No, in fact, it is the behavior of the addict in my life that I am reacting to. I’m a reflection of his bad acts. I’m not speaking to his prior behaviors. I’m talking about his current behaviors. Today.

I’ve been a bit down and out with a couple broken bones in my right foot. Trying to rest enough to get the damn thing to heal. It would have healed sooner if I hadn’t decided to dash over to the beach house a couple times. A famous country singer and his family stayed there between concerts last month. I drove over to leave the kids some beach toys and other activities in case it rained the whole time they were there. It didn’t, thankfully, and from their Instagram posts, it looks like they had a great time. Then I went back over to do some repairs a couple weeks later. Healing slowed, pain increased.

I’m almost healed now and currently planning our next trip down to Ojai and maybe something fun to do for my birthday next month. Classic Kat. I always plan everything for our little family. I realize now that it’s not because I take over and don’t allow anyone (Blue Eyes) to do it. He just never has. I plan all the stuff. Mainly because Blue Eyes never seemed to care much about family stuff. He still doesn’t. I’m sitting here writing this on a Saturday morning because as I started to discuss with Blue Eyes some weekend plans, I quickly realized he had already planned out his weekend (just like week days) without me. He’s already been to fellowship with the guys. This afternoon he has a Meditation event (at our offices where he can be the master of ceremonies), then early tomorrow morning he is off to have breakfast with a friend/business associate about an hour away. Um, okay. Thanks for the heads up. Same old, same old. Some days it bothers me that this aspect of his life, his personality, hasn’t changed, at all. Some days I pretend he doesn’t exist. My way of coping I guess.

Today it bothers me.

I’ve been on a moderately low dose of Zoloft since Covid. I recently cut the dose in half. I’m tapering off it completely over the next month. For about 45 years of my life I took zero medication. Then life hit me hard. I’m closely monitoring everything I take and why. I’m done with the antidepressant. Everything but my blood sugars are in check. It’s been tough with the foot injury to manage the sugars. So many things affect it… over the counter pain relievers and decongestants, lack of exercise, pain, stress… I’m patiently waiting for a Dexcom (continuous glucose monitoring device). OUT OF STOCK. Sometimes it’s difficult to get diabetes supplies these days as monitoring blood sugars and taking diabetes related drugs (for weight loss) has become a bit of an epidemic in the U.S.

Bottom line, addiction is a selfish disease. Living with an addict, even a recovering one, can be a real bitch. I realized as I looked across at my husband, that is before he high-tailed it away from me to lick his wounds for being a “bad guy,” I will most likely do my birthday by myself. He hasn’t really earned the right to celebrate with me. I’m planning to take myself off to my favorite hotel, relax, eat good food, get a spa treatment or two. I know if he was “with” me, he would just be working or thinking of work anyway. So be it.

The thing about this reflection situation with Blue Eyes, I am a reflection of his neglect of me, however, that reflection begins and ends with him. If he wanted more out of this marriage, he has the power. The relationship I have with myself is a good one. When I look in the mirror, at my own reflection, I have no regrets.