My good friend Dee, appeared on this blog a few times early on, has passed from rectal cancer.

I’m normally a very emotional, ugly cry, kind of person when dealing with the death of someone I am close to, and even people I’m not close to, so I’m trying to figure out why I haven’t shed a tear for Dee.

It’s not that I’m not sad. I am. There will be no more long lunches talking about kids and families. No more birthday trips to New York and New Orleans. No more festive holiday get togethers. Her family is now missing their wife, mom, sister, aunt…

I met Dee when my oldest, The Pragmatist, was 2 1/2 and my youngest, The Peacemaker, was a baby. We met at the community center where our kids went to daycare and preschool. I was distraught over my precocious oldest having a tough time at drop off. He was not wanting to “go to school” anymore. I had my own bookkeeping business at the time, and we were paycheck to paycheck. I needed my kids in care for at least 4 hours per day. My kid loved “school” so I just didn’t get it. As it turns out, my crazy kid at not even 3 years old didn’t want to go to “school” to “play.” As the teacher informed me, he needed a curriculum. The teachers decided to switch things up and they would now start each day with a science experiment. It wouldn’t work for all the kids and some really did just want to play, but they would give the kids options. OMG, the memories. This kid is so much like Blue Eyes. Ugh.

So Dee was there to comfort me and guide me. Two of her daughters were older. We connected and formed a bond. It turns out she had grown up with Crohn’s disease and my husband with colitis. I had grown up Episcopalian, she conservative Jewish. She helped educate me. We spent many Jewish holidays together. Our birthdays are 3 days apart (although she’s a bit older). We took birthday trips together. We did a couple cruises together, just the adults. I had a tough time with her husband, but later he was diagnosed on the autism spectrum, which made perfect sense in hindsight. He really struggled with social interaction. He came off as an arrogant asshole, but now I know.

Our kids went to the same language immersion elementary school on the other side of town. We met at the local elementary school each weekday morning to put them all on the bus, then Dee and I would talk and talk and talk.

There were many years of daily interaction. Our kids grew up. There were trials and tribulations, and happy days and celebrations.

Then discovery day arrived. Thankfully Dee was not involved in any way in Blue Eyes addiction/treachery. She was just my friend and she was there for me. She was the first person I told my story to. She counseled me to give Blue Eyes a chance to be a better person, to fight the demons.

But, she admitted that she never really could understand my trauma. Things changed a bit. We no longer did anything together other than meet for lunch. No more party invites. No more trips. She was there, she listened, but Dee was also a consummate gossip. She lived for sharing “news” about people. I asked her not to share anything about Blue Eyes addiction as Portland’s Jewish community is small and Blue Eyes needed his privacy. Blue Eyes was leery. He didn’t believe she could keep a secret, any secret.

A couple years post discovery, Dee was talking about her sister, who lives on the east coast. It was obvious Dee had told her sister about our situation. I said, “so you told Susie.” And Dee was like oh yeah, Susie’s best friend’s husband is a cheater too. That one statement hurt me in so many ways, she would never know. Her comment was flippant and callous and showed she really didn’t understand me or my situation. Susie’s best friend’s husband ended up getting a young woman pregnant and leaving Susie’s friend for said other woman, blah, blah, blah. I didn’t appreciate being thrown into that sinking ship.

Dee also did not like my blog. She felt like I was too open and honest and vulnerable. She really didn’t like that I met up with blogger friends. She was horrified when I went on a couple trips with blogger friends. Dee was the jealous type. Definitely not thinking about me or my wants or needs. The last time we were together she asked if I still had “the blog.” I said yeah, I write on it if I feel the desire. She commented that she couldn’t find my blog now if she tried. Okay. She made a comment about how she never knows where I am anymore, flitting around among my houses. Uh. It was at that point that she started sounding like a bossy, opinionated older sister. Had she always been that way? Maybe. I am the oldest with a lot of siblings. She is the youngest in her family. It’s a strange dynamic, the two of us.

Then a couple years ago Dee was diagnosed with inoperable rectal cancer. Her mother died in her 50’s of breast cancer. Then her oldest sister of the same, in her 30’s. Susie had thyroid cancer and both Dee and Susie had prophylactic double mastectomies after a stage 1 diagnosis. Then their father died of prostate cancer at 66. That’s a lot! Dee’s communication dwindled after diagnosis. I was told she spent a lot of time in the hospital. I couldn’t believe after everything she had gone through in her life, this was how it would end. And it did, end. She called for hospice a couple weeks ago. She died yesterday.

All along she told me she was too sick to see anyone, or go anywhere. I totally understood and respected her wishes, but then later found out this was not true. She had continued to socialize whenever possible, with others, when she was up for it. And that was absolutely her choice, obviously. I’m pretty durable these days. I’ve known for about 18 months that she would die. She’s the one that pulled away. I hadn’t heard from her in a couple months. No birthday wish, the first time in 30+ years. I texted her on her birthday. No response. I think she was preparing me for the inevitable. She was letting me go on her terms. So there is sadness in my heart, but no tears this time.