It was on this day 42 years ago that Blue Eyes and I intimately bonded our relationship. https://trynottocryonmyrainbow.com/2015/02/11/just-another-love-story-part-three-the-pregnancy/

This was a turning point from which I would never go back. I became pregnant, then a month later lost the pregnancy. I have a memory like a steel trap. It was a difficult time. We were university students. Me a Sophomore, Blue Eyes a Junior.

Then on December 17, 1990, the cheap condom that Blue Eyes had purchased while in his last year of law school, broke. Just shy of nine months later, The Pragmatist was born.

The Pragmatist was just here in Portland for a couple days, without her long term girlfriend (ex-fiancé). They are broken up, but still friends. They were together at a wedding in San Francisco over the weekend. The ex-fiancé did not come up to Portland. The Pragmatist said Sunny was very sad she couldn’t come visit this time. Hmmm. I don’t buy it, but that’s okay. I mean I buy the fact that she couldn’t make it due to work obligations. I just don’t buy the fact that she was sad about it.

We had a nice visit with our oldest child. Short and sweet. I did recognize her after her recent facial feminization surgery, which had healed nicely. The changes are subtle but significant to our child. We were chatting yesterday afternoon, the three of us, me and my two adult “kids” about relationships. About the break up, which appears to be mutual but still very hard on both of them. We talked a little about shame. She weirdly brought up Esther Perel. Apparently they had an open relationship the past few months before break up. We talked about how being honest and communicating well are probably the most important aspects of relationships. She said that although they communicated pretty well, she felt shame when discussing some aspects of their relationship and her feelings with Sunny. That she felt a great deal of judgment and it was really stressful. Not about her sexuality or their open relationship, but other things that seemed to hurt her heart. There weren’t a lot of specifics, but relationships are difficult enough without throwing in gender issues and bi-sexuality. Apparently both these young adults are bi-sexual. We found out our trans daughter is now living with a straight man. This was a surprise. I don’t think she had ever dated a man before.

So we talked about choices we make in our teens, 20’s, 30’s, and all the contributing factors to whether or not we couple, get married, have kids, etc… I talked about how Blue Eyes’ sex addiction and whether or not I stayed had very little to do with sex and intimacy, and everything to do with lies and betrayal. Could he be the person he pretended to be.

The kids (can’t remember which one) asked if I had to do it over, would I, knowing what I know. I told them I had actually thought about that quite a bit, and written about it, I looked at both of them, having so much of their father in them and I said yes, I would go through it all again because I couldn’t imagine my life without them in it. To get them, I had to weather the storm that is Blue Eyes. It didn’t have to be SO STORMY, but I had no control over that.

I think being a 30-something in 2026 is infinitely more difficult than being a 30-something in the 1990’s. Or perhaps contemplating what my newly 35 year old son turned trans daughter is going through, just makes me feel really old and tired.

Peace y’all.