Ten years ago, I wrote this post: https://trynottocryonmyrainbow.com/2015/12/08/seeking-happiness/ The post is pretty much all about The Peacemaker, our younger child, and his bout with depression. I end the post, written in December 2015, with: “On a side note, I would like to feel some literal sunshine on my face… we are drowning here in the … Continue reading Seeking happiness, 10 years later
childhood trauma
Our own worst enemy
This meme was sent to Blue Eyes last week by his sister. The unfortunate thing about having really awful parents, sometimes the wounds are so deep, we simply cannot see that not only haven’t we dealt with the abuse and subsequent fallout, but we are in fact perpetuating the abuse, carrying it forward, and abusing … Continue reading Our own worst enemy
Some dreams do come true
Last weekend we went to visit Blue Eyes’ father in Los Angeles. Much to my astonishment, it has been an absolute pleasure dealing with Grandpa the past few months. Most of his grumpiness towards Blue Eyes and The Peacemaker is gone. Grandpa now laughs and jokes and says “I love you,” and “I miss you,” … Continue reading Some dreams do come true
Letter to the sister in law
“D, I’ve decided that in order to continue having a relationship with you, I need to be able to say my piece without any interruption. I realize, of course, that you have your own stories, feelings, trauma, etc… and me speaking my mind is in no way minimizing your story or your feelings. Our story … Continue reading Letter to the sister in law
Loneliness
All we can hope for is that Blue Eyes’ father feels a little better with us here. It occurred to Pooh and Piglet that they hadn't heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore's stick house. Inside the house was … Continue reading Loneliness
They’re talking about me
My sister was talking about me. This would be the sister who shared the same divorced parents, the same childhood experiences, the same trauma. Despite her mental illness, or maybe because of it, she is sharp as a tack. She's insightful, and intuitive, and I know she looks up to me. I'm her big sister, … Continue reading They’re talking about me
Control
For Blue Eyes, part of his addiction is clearly about control. As a child, he was under the strict and harsh command of his narcissistic and abusive mother. She belittled him and chided him and rode his ass day and night. He could never do anything right. Failure was right around the corner for him … Continue reading Control
The third year, part 2
I have this incredible ability these days to leave the shit mostly behind when I am not with Blue Eyes. I walked out the door Tuesday morning, and off to a fun day with a friend. We drove to the coast and visited the beach house property and had a delightful Whole30 compliant lunch within view of … Continue reading The third year, part 2
The battle
I am consciously realizing my path to healing, as the betrayed spouse of a sex addict, is the shorter one of the two of us. I instinctively knew it would be, but it is so obvious now. My life journey included a childhood that shaped me, we all have one, many times fraught with heartache, … Continue reading The battle
And that would be gaslighting
Monday, February 16, 2015: couple’s therapy Due to traveling schedules, we had not been to see Ms. Second Chance for two weeks. I could barely remember what we talked about last time. I’m pretty sure we left needing to further discuss my thoughts on bringing a period of celibacy back in order for Blue Eyes … Continue reading And that would be gaslighting
try not to cry on my rainbow 