They're talking about me

My sister was talking about me. This would be the sister who shared the same divorced parents, the same childhood experiences, the same trauma. Despite her mental illness, or maybe because of it, she is sharp as a tack. She’s insightful, and intuitive, and I know she looks up to me. I’m her big sister, the good girl. She was the naughty one. Driven by her mental illness, she was the party girl, the mean girl, always wanting to be different from me, and always high on something, medicating those wounds. She’s no longer that person. She likes country music television, and Hallmark movies, and long rides to nowhere. She’s on meds, sees her therapist regularly, and tries really really hard to fit in to this crazy world we live in.

The massive steel & brass door that separates our beach house master bedroom from the rest of the house.

On Thanksgiving afternoon, I excused myself to use the bathroom. I shut the massive door that separates our master bedroom from the great room where the family was gathered, chatting. As it turns out, I didn’t quite shut the door all the way. I could hear their conversation. I sat down on the floor next to my bed and had an overwhelming desire to burst into tears.

I honestly don’t even remember what she was talking about, something nice, about me. Probably something about how much she loves my cooking, or how beautiful the flowers were that I arranged for the table, or maybe she was just talking about how grateful she was for me hosting Thanksgiving dinner. I don’t remember. She loves me, I know she does. I know they all do, but I still, sitting there beside my bed, felt like a vacant shell. I knew if I disappeared right then and there, it would be fine. Everyone would move on to a different conversation, about something and someone else.

The emptiness inside since the break in, is massive. I’m falling into that abyss again. It’s that part of me that doesn’t understand why so many awful things are happening to me. I know, technically, these things aren’t about me, but they’re happening to me, and instead of getting stronger, I’m getting weaker.

As I sat on the floor with tears streaming down my face, I knew I needed something to get me through this. Even my Dad is worried about me. He sent numerous texts over the holiday weekend saying he thinks maybe I need help. I didn’t break down in front of him, at all, but he knows about all the burdens. I think he understands the weight I am carrying. All these years I just thought of him as a cheating bully Dad (my step father is the amazing guy with the waldorf salad), but I know, in his own way, he loves me and worries about me. I’m the oldest, his first child, born when he was just 20 years old. I grew up with him. He’s part of the reason I instinctively knew that adults are extremely fallible, not to be trusted, that I needed to be strong enough to take care of myself and my sister, because Dad wasn’t capable. But now he’s worried about me? That’s a sign.

Later that day I expressed to Blue Eyes how I need him to stop asking things of me right now. I’m feeling used up. I feel empty. Anyone who reads this blog knows my husband is a sex addict. Not just any old sex addict, but a guy with a huge sex drive and a desire to be with me, next to me, all the time. Sometimes it feels like he is sucking the life out of me. I needed him to stop. I want hugs, meant to nurture me, not deplete me. I don’t want sex unless I initiate. I know he desires me, but we all know how he also desired others. It’s been quite a while since I felt special that way. He knows that. Everyone knows that. It’s not the end of the world. Sex doesn’t equal love to me. I need him to show me he’s in this with me, for better or worse. The saga of my sex addict husband isn’t what’s causing this latest hurdle, but it has contributed to it in a big way. I wouldn’t be in this hole if he had never betrayed me, I’m sure of it.

Later this month, I’ll get the help I need. I’m looking for a safe space where I am given some tools to start getting me back, again. I’m a good, strong person and I want to be whole and happy. I feel really frustrated that I don’t have the skills right now to do this on my own, but I won’t feel guilty.

As always, I thank you, my blog friends, for being there for me and with me. I need you.

🙏🏼

30 thoughts on “They're talking about me

  1. Big hugs and warm thoughts of healing coming your way, Kat. You’ve helped so many here, by talking about “the stuff” and there are people who “get it”— we are blessed to have found others on our different, but very similar journeys. Drink in the support.

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  2. Hi Kat, I am glad that you went in your room and shut the door, that in itself is a start, with regard to looking after you. Perhaps the tears as you listened to your sister were partly because she was saying lovely things about the lovely things you do, and yet the very things you do for others puts the stain on you, and you don’t do the same lovely things for yourself. I am glad you are going to the therapy, when I read this I realised that I would not be here now if it weren’t for my, at times, very blunt counsellor. I really mean it when I say if you ever want to flea and sit in the middle of nowhere you are welcome to saty with us. It’s not fabulous but is home. Moisy xx❤️

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you so much Moisy for the lovely offer. I really wanted to come see you when we were in France last, but as you know I couldn’t swing it. Even though I know what you have is such hard work, it also looks quite like paradise to me! ❤️ It’s true. The things I do for others deplete me. It was never like this before discovery. I know it must seem simple to some, just a change of attitude, but trauma gets in the way of that. That’s why I love this blog so much. I know there are people here who truly understand. xo

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Did your prior trauma therapy focus on the contemporary traumas, or did it reach back into childhood? I went to a seminar at Kripalu last spring that was about people in relationships with narcissists and there was a strong emphasis on the value of childhood trauma therapy in order to understand your adult relationships. I did not pursue that because I am managing pretty well right now, and I am very clear on enough about my own child traumas to be able to recognize how they have had so much influence in my life. But the seminar definitely provided whatever extra focus I needed to get out of that toxic relationship of over 10 years for good.

    xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • My prior trauma therapy started with my childhood and then moved into my trauma from the disclosure of BE’s secret life and how to proceed, with or without him. In 25 hours of therapy, we did not discuss BE’s parents, which at the time was a huge trigger for me, probably realizing how much their abuse had affected me without me acknowledging it. Not so surprising that having dinner with them tonight is wrapped up in all this although I don’t seem to be feeling any stress from that.

      Currently, I do feel like there are childhood issues cropping up. That premise that if I was good, good things would happen, coupled with the ptsd symptoms cropping back up. I don’t want to bury or ignore anything. I just feel so tired and empty.

      It sounds like your seminar was very productive in helping you move forward. That’s priceless! xo

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      • That seminar helped me understand, better than I could before, the “science” of my unfortunate lifelong “attraction” to narcissists and why it is so deeply coded into my mind. What it resulted in is my ability to accept that no matter what I do, I will never get anything positive from a relationship with a narcissist. I was already there with respect to my mother but not with others.
        I was going to ask when dinner was. I hope for an emotionally neutral experience for both of you! On the one hand, a negative experience could be extremely destructive, but a positive experience is likewise potentially risky. You both really need to remain totally detached in my opinion and not sucked into any false hope.

        Liked by 2 people

        • My expectations are very low, B. Pretty sure BE feels the same, but he does want some kind of relationship with his father. I know he has the tools to walk away if he starts feeling “not good enough.”

          My concern is that a lot of the damage was actually done by his father. I know the lack of nurturing from birth by his mother contributed greatly to BE’s issues, but I’m thinking it was the lack of attention from his father coupled with the fact that his father exacerbated the issues with the narcissistic mother that is at the core of BE’s low self esteem and shame game.

          It should be interesting. My guess is most of the meal will be his mother talking about herself and what she has been doing recently. What galas they have been to, what golf tournaments she and her lady friends played and what prizes they’ve won. She’ll talk about the granddaughter’s wedding we weren’t invited to, and she’ll tell us about our own son… the one that stayed in contact with them. There won’t be any deep conversation. She is excruciatingly shallow. His Dad may talk about the Lakers and how they have a good team this year… they are not the type of people to really talk about anything emotional. They also have very short memories.

          I’m planning to say as little as possible. That always works well with my MIL as she loves to talk about herself.

          If BE decides to stay in touch, most likely future issues will follow the path of previous ones and his older sister and mother will start manipulating the situation to vie for attention and play the one up one down game. I’m steering clear. I have no interest in having relationships with these people.

          xo

          Liked by 3 people

  4. I’m so sad to read this. All I can offer is that when I was at my lowest, the detachment that inpatient rehab far from home saved me. New place, new people, structured environment and getting mentally and physically healthy. I know there really isn’t a rehab for your situation, but you need to think of only yourself right now and I think you realize it. Do what you have to do for self care. And that door is totally badass.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have been much lower than this and I’ve written about it all here. Sex addiction induced trauma is real. I was lucky enough to get about 25 hours of intensive trauma therapy summer 2014, but I still struggled for a couple long years. I literally went from a super high functioning 50 year old woman, wife, mother of two, sister to 10, on multiple community boards, chairing events, speaking in front of hundreds of people, to someone who didn’t want to leave her closet. I self harmed and during a particularly difficult disclosure from my husband, I cut my arm open requiring 16 stitches. I now have a rather large cherry blossom tattoo sprawled over it. I had anxiety attacks, contracted a stress induced heart murmur, my diabetes went from managed, to out of control… my health deteriorated seemingly overnight. If someone had told me that these things would happen to me, I simply would not have believed them. In 2016, I started going to a health facility in NC, the closest thing to rehab I could get. Unfortunately, the therapy wasn’t all that great, but I was able to get my health back on track. Unfortunately, this past month has set me back, big time, and in every way. I’ll start with trauma therapy and see if I can get me back again. Self care seems like it would be easy….

      And yes, that is one awesome door. The guy also built the massive cedar and brass pivot front door, which is also amazing. We do love our house.

      Liked by 3 people

  5. Kat, I’m really sorry you are in the place. You’ve been through so much, and so much for so long. The pressure you’ve been under and the traumas you’ve experienced would be enough to overwhelm anyone. To be honest, I don’t know how you’ve managed to keep going. You absolutely must put yourself first just now. I’m glad you’re withdrawing, are enforcing boundaries, and have a safe place to retreat to soon. These are not luxuries, they are necessities. We, your followers, are all behind you and want you to rest and care for yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

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