I have been writing a lot about Blue Eyes and his fourth step (that searching and fearless moral inventory, the one that Blue Eyes completed a few weeks ago and which is pages and pages and pages long) and fifth step (admitted to God, to themselves, and to another human being the exact nature of … Continue reading Why didn’t I think of me
CPTSD
The highjacking of empathy
I was going to go out and train for a marathon, maybe run a few miles... but the high temp forecast here in the Pacific Northwest is hovering around the ridiculously freakin' hot level (100 degrees), so I will stay safely inside and work, blog, and paint. Seriously though, you know I was kidding about the … Continue reading The highjacking of empathy
A hornet’s nest
So you reached your big ole paw into my hornet's nest, huh? This morning I received an email from someone I "met" through blogging. This person is very thoughtful and well written. She referenced Chump Lady in her email. She did not refer me to Chump Lady, but I have been referred to Chump Lady's website … Continue reading A hornet’s nest
Why I stay
I have seen this saying floating around the web for a while, and I like it for the sole reason that it makes me think. It speaks to the question of whether people can change, or not. I don't think who we "really" are is a stagnant concept. I don't believe we come into this world … Continue reading Why I stay
And then it all went to s*%t
This afternoon we attended our weekly couple's therapy appointment. Things were going pretty well. We were discussing the "new" schedule and how Blue Eyes was generally handling being at work more and having all that responsibility and not having his addiction as a coping mechanism, and his eyes started tearing up and became red rimmed. He … Continue reading And then it all went to s*%t
Obliteration of self
For me, self care means taking a moment to stop and appreciate the beauty around me. This past weekend we did a little wine tasting with friends and this gorgeous flower arrangement was on the tasting counter. My goal here is to journal my life... on the blog of me. I try not to do … Continue reading Obliteration of self
Please stop saying you’re sorry
I need something pretty to go with this not so pretty post. I took this in my cutting garden with my macro lens. The bee's wings are so shiny and beautiful to me. After posting about structure yesterday, Blue Eyes came home from his very long day, which started with a 7:00am 12-step meeting, then numerous … Continue reading Please stop saying you’re sorry
I don’t actually know what is real
"I love myself!" It was a downright hellish battle for my trauma therapist to get me to say those words last year. In one of our earlier sessions, she said, "Kat, do you love yourself?" And I sat there, for a long time, thinking. And then tears started rolling down my cheeks. At that point, I … Continue reading I don’t actually know what is real
A mountain of fear
Here is my dilemma. My current and evolving story is about betrayal and subsequent trauma. Blue Eyes's story is about addiction. His story has been about addiction all along. We have both been hurt. But I did not perpetrate hurt on anyone. My marriage was not struggling. Although my husband did work, at lot, he was not … Continue reading A mountain of fear
Was I dropped on a planet full of sex crazed monsters?
We’re on another business trip out of town. It’s a short one, but still, there will be triggers. I guess it is inevitable at this point. I do long for a day when I am not blindsided by images I don’t want to see, and thoughts I don’t want to think. I have a lot … Continue reading Was I dropped on a planet full of sex crazed monsters?
try not to cry on my rainbow 