We’re on another business trip out of town. It’s a short one, but still, there will be triggers. I guess it is inevitable at this point. I do long for a day when I am not blindsided by images I don’t want to see, and thoughts I don’t want to think. I have a lot more control now, but I am not “fixed.” This time the triggers were minor and mostly involved thinking about how my husband exploited women. Thinking about the misogynistic nature of his sex addiction, which inevitably gets me frustrated by the women who so willingly spread their legs for a man who they knew was technically unavailable, a man who already had a wife, and children who depended on him to be the honest and devoted Daddy they needed him to be and that they thought he was. Sigh.

Some days I question everything. Some days I feel like I am living amongst aliens.

My husband and I were recently at a gorgeous resort with an amazing spa. It was sunny and oh so warm and we were both happy and content. I got to the spa pool before my husband, so I settled us in to a couple lounge chairs. There was a man in the chair next to mine that twice tried to strike up a conversation with me. I answered him politely, but curtly, having no desire to converse with a strange man at the pool. He was reasonably handsome, he was approximately my age or a little older. Who cares. I do not dislike men, on the contrary, I adore my boys, my brothers, my fathers, uncles, many of my friends’ husbands, etc… I just have firm boundaries for myself. I don’t “do” male friends, or engage in conversations with men who appear to be “shopping.” There is no point. My husband joined me and we ordered lunch. The guy’s lady friend eventually joined him at the pool. She was about my age (old, ha), bleach blonde, and wearing a revealing two piece that nowhere near covered up her “curves,” which like mine were not necessarily in all the right places, but she was definitely a Southern California girl. She sported a really nice tan, if you like that kind of thing. Even when I was thinner, I was never one to show off all my flesh in bathing attire. I often feel really uncomfortable now with the bathing suits being worn, regardless of the perfection of the body in it because I know what a lot of sick people are thinking now as they stare at those bodies from behind dark sunglasses, and what they are thinking inside their head, is not pretty. This scantily clad 50-something had a little bag with her from a designer store in town. She told the man she had purchased three “dresses.” He responded “those dresses must be pretty tiny to fit in that little bag.” She said, “you’ll see.” This was a spa pool and I couldn’t believe how loud they were. She jumped in the pool and they proceeded to passionately kiss and she climbed on top of him, wrapping her legs around his waste and began simulating sex right there in the pool. My husband actually made a comment that they were going to have to clean the pool after those two got out. At one point, after a good 30-45 minutes of the same sexual behavior, my husband asked if I thought they were actually having sex. That’s how crazy it was. As they were making out in the pool, the guy said pretty loudly, “do you think you can close down your Tinder account NOW?” She smiled in a devilish kind of way and said, “let’s see how tonight goes.”

I did not want to hear that couple’s conversation, but they were speaking so loudly and I didn’t have my headphones on me. I didn’t want to witness their immature behavior, but they were square in my line of vision and as much as I wanted to be looking somewhere else, I ended up just closing my eyes most of the time and trying to block them out completely. I should not have to work that hard in an environment that is supposed to be serene and relaxing. I feel like people can be as sexy as they want in their own private room or house or whatever, but it is just not right to subject others to that kind of behavior in public places. Raunchy displays of public affection have not just bothered me since dday, since I found out about my husband’s public displays of indecency, they have always bothered me. Maybe it was the way I grew up. My parents gave each other little kisses of endearment when they were in the view of us kids. A sweet hug hello or a chaste kiss good-bye was totally practiced and appropriate in my house. I knew my parents loved and respected each other. It was apparent in their mature and responsible behavior towards each other in public. Wanting the males in her life to peer down her gaping bathrobe, breasts significantly exposed, talking non-stop about sexually satisfying their father, and constantly talking about her body and body parts and sex, judging women for their apparent lack of sexuality, prancing around in a bikini at 60 years old, these are the behaviors of my husband’s narcissistic mother. I understand how he was confused and messed up as a boy by these activities alone, not to mention all the other indecencies and abuse that went on in that family, but being so messed up that you cannot function maturely as an adult, that involves a whole lot of crazy. How could I be so blind to the fact that no child could come out of that household unscathed. I used to say to my husband and others that I could not believe Blue Eyes came out of “that family” with his sanity in tact. Well, he didn’t and I don’t say that anymore. How did I not see the brokenness? How did I not see it?

I do not have daughters. I have two grown sons. I hope I have set a good example for them. I was their sole parent a lot of the time, and I tried to show them a strong, self reliant, happy, mature, compassionate female example. I hope they respect and cherish the women in their lives, all of them, forever. A few years back, we were at a friend’s party and there were lots of adolescent girls and boys in attendance. The boys were all dressed in slacks, jeans, dress shirts, polos, regular old boy dressy clothes. The girls ran the gamut. There were girls dressed in nice, sweet conservative sundresses. There were girls in slacks and blouses, there were girls in somewhat revealing outfits, maybe a slightly low cut blouse with a little cleavage showing, and then there were girls in mini skirts that if they moved at all you could see their panties… the color, shape, style, everything. I was horrified. For the most part, unless you are a rapper or something, guys clothes are not sexy in an overt way (and jeans sagging down below their butts is not sexy, in my opinion… never was, never will be). Girls clothes have a distinct sexiness factor. Add some heels to the mix, and wow, legs for miles. These were not adult females. For the most part they were 12-16 years old. The next day, I happened to be at a function with two moms of girls at the party. One of the girls had been wearing a lovely, sensible summer dress with flats and she looked adorable, beautiful even. The other woman’s daughter was wearing not only one of the panty revealing skirts, but also one of the low cut tops. Also a lovely girl, but I was so drawn to the inappropriateness of her attire that I barely noticed anything else. Somehow the mothers got into a discussion with each other about their daughters’ clothing. For me, a mom of boys, it was interesting to observe the dialogue. I’m pretty sure the mother of the daughter with the conservative outfit started the conversation. She explained how she felt it was incredibly important for these young girls not to be allowed to wear clothing in public that exploited their innocent bodies. That although we might not want to believe it, there are men everywhere getting some kind of hit off these young girls and their revealing clothing. Wow, was she spot on there—thankfully Blue Eyes’ pathology does not include young girls, at all, but many sex addicts do prefer younger, if not underage girls, some are pedophiles, a lot actually. It’s not just about the young boys maybe getting the wrong impression (or right impression depending on the girl), but also maybe the fathers too, men in general are wired to be acutely aware of their sexual needs and desires. The mother of the girl in the skimpy clothing immediately became argumentative and actually somewhat distraught. She told the other woman she was overreacting. She also went on to explain that no matter what she says to her daughter, that the girl will just take whatever clothes she wants to wear and bring them with her and change when she is away from mom. The conservative mom commiserated that raising girls is difficult because they don’t understand the dangers, but to never stop trying to get them to understand, it’s that important. I agree, now more than ever. After all I have read about sex addicts, and there are lot of them, not to mention just regular old men with active fantasy lives and imaginations, I am acutely aware of how women are being objectified and used for their bodies. We should not be learning at such an early age that attracting men with body parts is a good thing, a goal even. It is critical that we have an open and honest dialogue with our daughters about respecting their bodies and about safety. Of course it is easier said than done and I know it is difficult to get things to sink into a belligerent adolescent mind, but don’t stop trying. Don’t give up. Women need to learn at a young age that they are not objects and they should not be exploited. I am saddened every day by the painful realization that not only do men consider women sex objects, but many women place some of their self worth on their physical attractiveness to men, and their ability to “get a man.” Even a married man. A man that belongs to someone else. I wish I didn’t think about these things. I wish reminders weren’t all around me.

I feel like on January 11, 2014 I was dropped on a foreign planet. This foreign planet looks a lot like the one I used to live on, but now I am surrounded by sex crazed monsters. So many people doing all kinds of horrible things to people in the name of sex, or love, or insecurity, or whatever you want to call it. For every million people, there will be a million different reasons why people exploit themselves and others sexually. So many people lying and betraying their faithful, honest partners. People helping themselves to other people’s spouses, rationalizing selfish and destructive behavior. The media is obsessed with sex, and cheating, and gender identity and the exploitation of women and their bodies. I know all this was actually happening, of course, before dday, but now my eyes are wide open to the pain behind the crazed behavior. There are days when I want to smash the television with a hammer. There are times I want to set fire to the tabloid magazines at the checkout counter. There are days I want to run screaming into the night and hole up in a cabin in the woods all by myself until my head clears of all the garbage that is polluting it.

I was going to post a specific article related to the topic of sex addicts and their objectification of women, but I couldn’t find it on the internet. I did find hundreds of other articles and I read a few and I started feeling sick, so I stopped. Also, my hair is falling out again… I hate when that happens.