Why didn’t I think of me

I have been writing a lot about Blue Eyes and his fourth step (that searching and fearless moral inventory, the one that Blue Eyes completed a few weeks ago and which is pages and pages and pages long) and fifth step (admitted to God, to themselves, and to another human being the exact nature of their wrongs) and so on and so forth. Well, today is the day he is scheduled to “do” his fifth step. As a matter of fact, he has been at his sponsor’s house for three hours now. In his SA group, the other “human being” they most commonly share with is their sponsor, and I get that. Since The Sponsor had been helping along the way with how to complete his fourth step, I thought maybe sharing with another safe person (along with his sponsor) might be a good thing. I also thought this a nice alternative if The Sponsor just couldn’t carve out the time for Blue Eyes. It seemed more valid to me, and yes, more difficult. The only reason I brought it up in the first place was because Blue Eyes seemed so ungrounded by being pushed off by his sponsor. My suggesting he share with a different guy seemed to scare the shit out of Blue Eyes the first time I brought it up because he knew it would be terribly uncomfortable, it wasn’t in the “set” plan the guys had been following in their 12 step group, and most likely because it was coming from me. As a matter of fact, the first look he gave me, in my mind, basically said, “shut the fuck up you stupid bitch you have no idea what you are talking about.” Now Blue Eyes would never ever say those words, I assure you. BUT, and this is a huge BUT, Blue Eyes has no idea how he projects himself, regardless of what words are actually coming out of his mouth because seriously folks, on the surface, Blue Eyes is an incredibly sweet, kind, gentle and loving soul. He is a bit of a bumbling fool (albeit an incredibly intelligent one) and that is so so endearing to the people he has been conning for the past, oh, four or five decades. I can see through it. I could always see through his words… I just never knew he medicated with filthy, dirty, sex with broken women (or the other nasty stuff like porn and masturbation) when things didn’t go his way.

I have known since last week that this afternoon was the big day for Blue Eyes. A little after noon, I went off to the art store to finally pick up those oil paints I had been talking about. The art store makes me so happy. It is a bright shop filled with all kinds of goodies. I could spend hours there. I picked up so many beautiful Windsor & Newton oils, a couple of palettes, a few brushes, linseed oil, brush cleaner, and varnish. After the art store, I headed to our favorite Asian grocery store, which is on the same side of town. I didn’t really think much about Blue Eyes until I was about to get out of the car at the grocery store and I saw the time and realized he was at his sponsor’s house and they were probably well on their way to completing the step. That would mean Blue Eyes was now discussing all that he had done, all those nasty things he perpetrated on our relationship for the past 30 years. He was talking about how he basically disregarded me and my feelings in order to act out sexually by himself and with other women. I started to get sick. I knew the guys wouldn’t be thinking about me, but it still feels like a violation. They would be thinking about themselves and how what Blue Eyes was sharing was so much like what they had felt, and done. They would not be thinking about their wives or the other women, whether they be “masseuses” or prostitutes, or women from work, or someone they picked up on a Craig’s List Ad (you know, the place we all find our soulmates {sarcasm directed at women who think they can find their soulmate on a sexually explicit Craig’s List Ad… sex is not love, yada yada}). They would be thinking about how horrible being in their addiction had been and how grateful they are to have that sick part of their lives behind them. As if we can forget so easily. They have had decades to metabolize what they did and who they are. The betrayed spouses many times have years of torment piled on them over a relatively short period of time. What they did changes our whole life and our story and yet, it is still somehow all about them.

I went into the store, but my mood had gone from happy and content to melancholy, just like that, but I was still very functional. I slowly strolled through the market picking up tea for Blue Eyes, Pocari Sweat for Sam (Japanese sports drink), ingredients for the yakisoba I plan to make for dinner tomorrow with a bunch of our farm veggies, and I also purchased some spicy ahi poke for the guys for a snack later this afternoon. I watched as children begged their mothers for their favorite Asian candy treat (I miss my guys being little). I watched three teenage girls desperately trying to find the Ramune, a Japanese carbonated soda drink in a glass bottle. When the top is popped, the marble is released into the soda where it bobs around while you are drinking. My boys used to love Ramune, Blue Eyes too. It was a real treat for them to find it outside of Japan and we used to visit this very same Asian market when they were young. There was a sweet little Asian couple in the produce section. They were probably in their 70’s. The wife would stand still with the cart and rattle off what she needed and the husband would run over to get it for her. They were so cute. It all made me sad, people just going on about their lives, because they could. Families together on a summer outing to the market. It all seemed so easy for them. No one looked like me, with tears in their eyes, feeling (and most likely looking) lost and alone. I finished my shopping and put everything in my car. As I drove home, every song on the radio seemed to make me cry. It is an absolutely empty feeling knowing your husband, your life partner, the love of your life, disregarded you in order to have dark, secret, dirty, mediocre sex with other women and is now sitting in a lovely house with two new buddies talking about it as if he is the only one that matters and as if he is the only one that needs recovering. I sat in the car in the garage and cried. I should have taken better care of myself. I should have scheduled lunch or a movie or a spa day.

After putting away the groceries, instead of painting, or working, or watching Wimbledon, I sat down to write this post. I realized the therapist is right. I do not reach out for support when I am struggling. She does not consider this blog support. I’m pretty sure she thinks it hurts versus helps me, but she is wrong. What she is right about however, is that when I am sad and lonely (emotions I rarely felt before d-day), I reach inside myself for comfort and many times now, I find emptiness. I need to be better about reaching out, but I feel most people I know just don’t get it.

I know many other betrayed spouses suffer in silence. Who do you reach out to when you feel sad and alone?

32 thoughts on “Why didn’t I think of me

  1. While I know I cannot truly relate to your situation, you are never too whiny or needy to me. But you already know that. I know that if the situation were reversed you would feel the same way. Remember that. Always loving you and always having your back.

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  2. All I can offer you right now is a huge hug and a shoulder to cry on together with me. I hope you were able to feel better after crying even though it sucks at the time you are crying. I hope everyone enjoyed the snacks and good you made as it sounds delicious.

    Thank you for sharing the pain you are feeling here on your blog. Sharing your personal strife is helping so many other betrayeds.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh, Bugs. Thank you so much for the hug and shoulder. I do feel much better today. I am totally loved around my house and they do always appreciate (especially now) everything I bring into and make in the kitchen. My boys love to eat! I also very much appreciate the validation of my blog. Blogging and the dialogue surrounding it is a big help to me. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You are a champion. Really. Your internal guideposts and your instincts and your refusal to let yourself or anyone else stick their head in the sand is outstanding. I had me a good cry yesterday as well, feeling so very alone and sad. Not that there wasn’t anyone to lean on. But my tendency is to crawl into my shell and lick my wounds by myself (like a good Cancer). Feeling hormonal, and frumpy in the hot and misty humidity of the northeast. Blah. I wish you were a blogging mom of a teenager. I could use your wisdom about raising the alien that lives in my house. Rock on, Kat. Am interested to hear your thoughts about how BE’s meeting turned out.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Amanda for your kinds words. I hate to hear others are suffering too, but I know it happens to the best of us, regardless of the cause. I SO know those hormonal and frumpy feelings. We don’t have a lot of humidity over here in the NW, but we have had ridiculous heat that we are so not used to, days and days in the 90’s, blech. Is your teen a girl? I have two boys and it was not that long ago that I was the mom of two teens, I remember it well. The older was a super over achiever, the other quiet and shy and getting him to high school the last two years was like pulling teeth… He went off to college in Maine, and then returned home barely into his sophomore year. He is 21 and still lives at home and acts like a teenager (or dare I say, younger) sometimes. Intellectually he is leaps and bounds beyond me, emotionally, not so much. Raising teens (children of all ages) is no joke. I probably don’t have much great advice to give, but I love to commiserate 🙂 . I guess I should close out the whole 4/5th step conversation with what transpired after BE got home yesterday. Our evening did end with us sharing strawberries/chocolate & peaches/cream, so not all bad. I hope things are getting better. You can always email me: crazy0907cat@yahoo.com. ❤

      Have you had your big birthday yet? I've been thinking about you…

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  4. Hi Kat- totally understand (& live it) what everyone is saying; no one who hasn’t walked in our shoes can never fully comprehend the trauma we experience after bettayal. My family and 3 friends “know” -I try to not talk to family because of how “this” does have effect on family relationship, I feel like they are saying “if your your still together – just move on- let it go” even though they never say that- thats how I perceive it. Even my two close friends (although one recently moved hundreds of miles away to be with a guy) don’t really get it -how MUCH it can still hurt. But they will listen if i need them to. I agree with the comment by tryinghard, not sure whether h is sex addict or not but he WOULD NEVER EVER go to a meeting and admit any of his situation , especially to strangers. But that the narcissist in him -they can’t see how they are toxic in their behavior and how a spouse is effected. Most days I just try to focus on what I need to do to help myself heal-WALK,WALK,WALK is my main strategy for getting past triggers ( my dog loves it -shes like yeah lets hit the park again mom). And of course blogging and the network of others here, that support one another. Just being able to communicate with someone who “gets it” has been the best medicine of all. Thank-you to everyone who reaches out to help another, it is the life preserver so desperately needed to survive.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Hey Chely. I’ve missed you! I have been reading about your encounters with the OW and find it fascinating… I just haven’t been in a place to really comment fully when I have been reading, then of course I get sidetracked. The walking sounds great… our dogs would love it if I just walked all day although it is has been too hot up here in the Pacific NW to walk other than early morning and late evening. It looks like things are cooling down a little now, phew. We wilt in this kind of heat! I agree, blogging is a wonderful place to find support. ❤

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      • Yes thanks it’s nice to take a moment to chat/comment with friends. It takes quite a bit of time ( but well worth it) to keep up reading commenting and writing our own posts, oh and yeah have a “life”. The unfortunate thing I’ve noticed how many new women AND men have been joining this “club” – by commenting or new blogs i’ve been reading. I hurt for everyone of them. My personal dislike is having to type comments on my smartphone – I think I need a tablet-LOL.
        take care Kat- Chely

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank goodness for the blog world where we can find understanding and empathy with others who are in the same place.
    I am like you Kat. I am a listener. People always come to me with their problems. My kids friends still come to me. Sadly there is no one I can go to. This is where I have placed myself in my life. My friends are there but they don’t understand. One sister is a narcissist and the other sister a Christian who thinks all I need to do to heal is to forgive so not a lot of help there. The one person who I have relied on for emotional support for the last 35 years is H. Sure he is the cause of all of this but he is still my main support. He has to be. If I feel like something is giving way then he gets to be the lucky person who has to sit and listen to me . He gets to support me.
    When DDay first happened I relied on my adult daughters too much but I soon saw that it was not really fair on them but they did manage to help me get to a place where I had more control. Thank goodness.
    I rely on practising yoga. I have seen too much evidence of broken people finding yoga and letting this heal them. I see it every day. I talk with yoga teachers who have been in places far worse than where I have been and I see them as they are now. They are grounded and serene and able to find peace. I find it every time I do a class. I let mindful meditation take over my brain. I let the sweat pour off my body. I ignore the intense heat. I work through the muscle pain and stiffness and lower back issues( and thoracic and neck pain) I don’t let my breast cancer ordeal get the best of me. I challenge myself and my mind every time I step into that hot room and when I leave that room I can face anything. ( mostly😊☺️😉)
    Kat, sounds like hormones are playing havoc with you. Look into organic Macca root powder. It can work wonders and did a great job. Make sure to get the real deal though. It tastes like rotten socks but all you need is half a teaspoon every day for 3 weeks. Have a week off then start it again. Trust me😳
    My Kat used to love those Japanese drink bottles with the ball in them too. The Japanese really think up some crazy shit don’t they?
    Big big hug xxxx

    Liked by 3 people

    • Yes, I agree… the Japanese come up with some crazy shit and I love it!!! I will check out the Macca root powder. I think sometimes family can be the source of pain not comfort and yes, I understand about wanting to rely on your husband for comfort. I as well, but Blue Eyes has a lot of healing to do. As I have said, recovery is no joke and so we cannot expect quick fixes or simple cures. When Blue Eyes is focusing on my pain, he is usually deflecting from his own healing. Blue Eyes is doing his best and for now, I need him to do the deep work or I have little faith that this will last. He swears he will never go back to his old coping methods, but if he doesn’t really do the work, it will be all the more difficult to fight the demons. Big hugs back, CF. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I also leaned on an old and dear friend. For nearly a year. But I soon realised that although she cared and tried to understand, she didn’t. And then within my community I started to feel terribly judged. It is open knowledge. The OW made sure everyone knew, I guess trying to garner support? (She was the long long ago ex.) Then I found a dear woman in the States who I have talked to several times a week. Up until quite recently. Another betrayed. One whose marriage hasn’t really improved much. He doesn’t seem to have the emotional equipment. The blogs are my crutch. Which is a little scary, and almost addictive in and of themselves. I also cope alone now. It’s hard. And sad. The person I used to turn to was Rog. He was always my greatest support.

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    • It is true we need to be our own greatest support now and it sucks. You have become very good at understanding yourself and giving out an abundance of excellent advice to fellow betrayed spouse bloggers, Paula. You had me hooked at your first comment on my blog. I have found your blog incredibly difficult to read and have cried many tears reading about your pain. What you endured at the hands of your love and a supposed friend goes beyond cruel. I know you love Roger, and he sounds like a genuinely remorseful fellow, but some wounds never really heal. I cannot wait to hear about your journey as you find your way to independence. Thanks for staying with the blogging. ❤

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  7. Because I’ve told so few people, I’m very limited when it comes to people I can reach out to. I can reach out to my husband, of course, but since he’s the perpetrator — not always a good plan. My sister is the other person I can reach out to. She is level headed and honest, but obviously biased towards me. That’s it though. I too reach out through my blog, which helps, but I often feel frustrated and alone. I guess that’s what affairs breed — frustration and loneliness. I sometimes envy those who have a larger support system, but I stand by my decision to keep his secret for the sake of reconciliation.

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    • Your decision is a good one, but it does get lonely. Sometimes our husbands can be comfort, but sometimes the nature of the situation does not allow for it. It is good if we have someone to speak with that doesn’t feel the need to take sides. That can be tough as our emotions go back and forth and I am sure it is a bit like watching a tennis match, for the outsider. Even though I have a slightly wider support system, it is still difficult as I do not want to burden people with my constant aches and pains and confusion and frustration, etc… Also, the further from d-day it gets, I think the less people understand our uncertainty and pain. I am sure they cannot understand the constant limbo of our emotions. We have to be stronger than we ever thought imaginable. It is so tough some days. ❤

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  8. I’m sorry Kat. Yeah why? Right. When my shrink asked who I turned to I said “Me”. She looked at me puzzled and asked if I had friends or family I could turn to. I explained only for more basic support. She smiled and was happy to know I was my own very best friend. That I could find my answers and comfort.

    I think blogging is good. My first psychiatrist suggested against it. We.ll she did know about some stuff I did that may or may not have been quite legal:/. So I didn’t. I do journal sometimes when I’m really pissed or down but mostly pissed.

    I will tell you that you have really helped me understand SA and I appreciate the education. I don’t know if my h is a true addict but I know he was self soothing with sex with the OW. He knew she was a skank best kept secret. Porn was a small part of it. Regardless I know he would NEVER do what BE is doing. No way. I think it’s good he’s getting help with his issues I hope you are getting help too or at least good support. Are you seeing your own therapist?

    Ok so wish me luck. I’m actually going to go talk to a personal trainer. I hate exercise at gyms. I hate gyms so this guy will work with me at a private gym 3 days a week and the rest I can do at home with my own weights. Every.single.time I start working out I hurt myself. Last time the trainer worked me so I hard I tore my miniscus!!! I’m going to set the pace for this little bastard:)

    Hugs to you and can’t wait to hear about your painting. I hope you start focusing more on you and not BE so much. It will come, it takes time. I’m at year 4 and just now am gaining the courage to go back out on my own and do things. Yes that’s how focused I was on my H:/. Ugh we are fuckkkkked up!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Good luck with the PT and I seriously mean that. I do the exact same thing, go all 150% into the exercise and injure myself. Last time it was a six-week kickboxing boot camp and I ended up with painful bone spurs in my left heal that I am still dealing with. I have also dealt with a torn meniscus as well as torn rotator cuff. Frankly, if I could just keep up the walking at this point, I would be happy. I find myself saying this a lot on this blog… if we lived closer… we could go together. 🙂 I need to get back to my handsome, fit, 25 year old personal trainer too. Argh.

      I have always been able to find comfort with myself, but honestly, I have NEVER dealt with anything like this before. It is so overwhelming. Blue Eyes knows this and he is desperately seeking help and doing the right things. He cannot, however, go back and fix what he broke, and he cannot fix it now either. He can help me to feel safe in that he wants to be a better person, and that’s all good, but the rest is up to me. I actually love the blogging so I don’t care what the therapist thinks. I do not go to an individual therapist any more, but I have been thinking of going back down to LA to see my trauma therapist. I want Blue Eyes and I to go together too, but we spent three months last year going back and forth weekly to LA and it took a toll. There is a happy medium in all this. I have had a rough week. I also think hormones are really doing a number on me. It feels like I have never-ending PMS.

      Thanks for the words of encouragement!

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  9. I used to go on a website called dailystrength and they had a forum there that helped keep me sane 7 years ago. I couldn’t talk to my family but I did have 2 friends I was able to talk to.

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    • I have friends I can talk to, and I do get together with them for lunch, or whatever. Unfortunately, even though they know me well and love me and Blue Eyes, they just cannot get it. I leaned on one friend heavily at the beginning, but after a while, I even sound whiny to myself. I have a wonderful new friend I met here on the blog who is the wife of a sex addict and she is amazing and she totally gets it. I am just not the type to call people in the parking lot of a grocery store in the middle of the day, even if they were available to speak. Not sure that would ever feel right to me. I will check out the website. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh absolutely! My friends are great but unless you have truly been there, its unfathomable. A shared experience helps tremendously. Just knowing you aren’t alone u know? Being part of a club NO ONE wants to belong to sucks. I know what u mean. Reaching out is hard for me too sometimes. Sending u hugs xo

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        • Thanks for the hugs, and sending hugs back. No one wants to be part of this club, that’s for sure. That is why the blogging helps, for the most part people get how difficult life is and adding in marital issues and infidelity and all that, not fun. It is nice to know we are not alone, but wow, I couldn’t believe how big this community was when I first joined it. Wishing you strength as I see you are also going through a rough time. ❤

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            • Oh, and emma, I have been meaning to ask but didn’t want to open the can of worms on your blog and I mean absolutely no disrespect… how do you know P’s wife is a narcissist? Do you know her? I mean, even though my MIL is a narcissist and my husband is an addict, I dare say that my husband is actually the bigger liar and actually scarier because my MIL’s behavior is much more overt with BE being the covert manipulator. He lied so much about me to the other woman in order to have sex with her and for her to travel with him on her own dime, no doubt she could write a blog about me and how selfish, spoiled, self absorbed, and cold I am and that I don’t give my husband sex. The thing is though, they were all lies in order for him to be able to have what he wanted when he wanted it. Of course he thought I would never find out about all his lies, but that is why he stays with me… none of it was true. He was convincingly pathetic and needy because he had honed his own skills for years. Again, I think this is why the OW turns everything around on me (and stalks) like I am to blame for my husband’s addiction and her falling in love with a married man. I really do just try to understand how all this happens. Btw, we have no contact with BE’s mother because she is toxic, so I do understand narcissism and how my husband was convinced she was the best mom ever and all that really mattered was what she thought of him. All this after 30 years with me. Sometimes I feel like a complete failure that everything I did could not break her spell on him. It all hurts and personality disorders are so destructive to everyone involved. Again, I am just curious. I admit I haven’t read your whole blog so you probably answer it there and I will need to get over and read, and you can tell me to go do that 🙂 . I am just a woman who has been demonized by her husband and his lover and am trying to understand. I know your situation is your own, and unique, and most likely not like mine at all, but I am still trying to understand.

              Liked by 1 person

  10. I had a moment like yours a couple of days ago… In Murrays Bagels of all places, one of the most perfect place in the universe. I was eating the most Devine bagel with smoked salmon and cream cheese (damn, so good!), and there were these songs in the background that just set me off. Before I knew it I was crying. Sometimes I’m so perfectly happy, and sometimes this sadness can wash over and drown me in one horrible wave. I wonder if there will ever come a day when that no longer happens.
    I don’t reach out anymore, not unless things are unbearable. It’s just mostly my blog, or I just cry it out. I don’t feel like most of the people around me really understand, and sharing my feelings on a repeated basis seems to do more harm than good (or that’s how it feels to me).

    Liked by 3 people

    • I agree, over sharing or relying on the same people too much doesn’t feel right to me. I have never ever ever done it in the past as I was the listener and the helper, the big sister and I had nothing to be sad or unhappy about before d-day… and I am not just saying that. That’s probably one of the reasons I was and still am so devastated. I was completely blindsided because I thought I had a really amazing marriage, family, life, etc…. Usually having lunch or going to a movie with a friend will get me by for a week, so I guess I should try and schedule something like that once a week.

      Yum, Murrays Bagels. When we were in NYC in April, Blue Eyes and our older son picked up Lox from Russ & Daughters and bagels from Murrays and had their Sunday morning ritual right in our hotel room in Soho. They were in heaven. I have been going to Jewish delis with BE for years and it is just not my fave. I seek out Junior’s in Times Square because I love their pea soup, ha. I mean certainly I can find something great to eat at a bagel shop or deli, but I don’t seek that kind of thing out. My husband and sons on the other hand, live for it.

      I wish I had been there with you at Murrays. At the very least, we could have cried together. ❤

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