A hornet’s nest

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So you reached your big ole paw into my hornet’s nest, huh?

This morning I received an email from someone I “met” through blogging. This person is very thoughtful and well written. She referenced Chump Lady in her email. She did not refer me to Chump Lady, but I have been referred to Chump Lady’s website many times over the past few months (as I am sure many other betrayed spouses have as I have seen her mentioned numerous times in blog entries and comments). I have visited the website exactly twice now. A while back I took a peak and realized the website was not for me. Although I can see that many spouses do find a sense of camaraderie in the entries and the comments, I do not. The only thing that is going to get me safely through the recovery path with my husband is positive reinforcement. I need more positive and less negative, less hate and judgment. I need to focus on myself and what is right in front of me. I do not need people telling me over and over that my husband is a cheat and a scoundrel and he cannot recover and that I am a better person for leaving him. Thanks, I can make those judgments on my own.

The second time I went to the website was earlier this morning. Why do I not learn to trust my instincts? I should have just let sleeping dogs lie. I know there is absolutely nothing on that site to help me, so why did I go there? Stupid. I was just lazily starting my day by reading through emails and blog posts and curiosity got me (thank goodness I am not a cat) and I decided to check out the specific posts referenced in the email. I never got to those posts because, of course, my eyes honed in on an interview she did with a man who has written a book denouncing sex addiction and denying the PTSD diagnosis of spouses. This man means nothing to me. He is just another person making money off of people’s pain. He makes sweeping generalizations and has his own model and his own clinic where they treat very much the same thing as everyone else, just with different names. He is making big money off of tapping into society’s fears of the words SEX ADDICTION. It is the whole bullshit line of thinking where they insinuate flat out say that there is no such thing as “sex addiction” and these people (90% men by his statistics) are just entitled, mostly financially secure, selfish men making excuses for their bad behavior.

The book author Chump Lady is interviewing actually says this, “However, and this is the one caveat I will really give to the sex addiction model – it does give people who are struggling some sense of peace, resolution or mastery, to be able to “name their problem.” For some people, saying “aha, that’s my problem, I’m addicted to sex,” gives them a way to begin working on their behaviors or problems. Unfortunately, in my view, it’s a deceptive and not very effective strategy, that depends on externalizing one’s sexual desires, rather than increasing one’s personal understanding and acceptance.”

Sorry guy (I am not even going to reference his name because I give him and his theories absolutely no credence or validity) but you apparently know nothing about the diagnosis of sex addiction. At least not the one my husband has been immersed in for the past 18 months. No one says, “I’m addicted to sex” and so I just need to stop having sex the way I was because I guess it is wrong and I was being “selfish.” It is not about being addicted to sex. It is about using sex as a drug to cope with underlying wounds, self esteem issues, sexual perpetration trauma, serious abuse and worth issues. This is not a joke or an easy way out or an excuse for ANYTHING. I am not sure why I feel compelled to keep writing the same thing over and over. A sex addiction diagnosis can be a lifeline to help, guidance, support, healing, recovery. It involves many physical, emotional, and spiritual components. Real recovery includes proper therapy to address the underlying wounds and the real reasons for the behavior, just like with any addiction… it is NOT about the drug, it is about the wound. Call it sex addiction, or call it whatever, just get fucking help.

At the end of the interview entry, the following text is inserted: “… Dr. XXX has been treating sexuality issues throughout his career. He first began treating perpetrators and victims of sexual abuse, but expanded his approach to include the fostering and promotion of healthy sexuality, and awareness of the wide range of normative sexual behaviors. His book challenges the concept of sexual addiction and exploring a different model of male sexuality. Since it was released, his book has triggered a firestorm of debate, allowing people to finally challenge the media hype of this pseudo-disorder.”

So, my thoughts on that text from me, a lay person not educated in this field at all, but living with these concepts every day: he is treating sex addiction but has decided to call it something else in order to gain notoriety. His book challenges a concept that has received media hype and therefore, he has received media hype. Media hype is not helpful (except for MAKING MONEY). If the media hype was that chubby people (chubby people being defined by whomever and however he/she pleases) are unattractive and therefore let’s call it unhealthy, and someone came out and said, I disagree with the media hype, chubby people are beautiful too… and then they get their own media hype, oh wait, that has happened and it does happen every day. Who cares about media hype. Who cares what other people think and how they want to judge. All we should care about is that people who need help are getting it. Why judge someone else’s path to recovery. Especially if you are going to throw out sweeping generalizations that, in my experience, are completely unwarranted or plain false… like the good doctor’s claim that betrayed spouses are suffering (well thank you, asshole), but not suffering from trauma, so don’t treat trauma. Whatever!!! The guy is a quack in my opinion. And I realize that is incredibly, and ironically, judgmental. I don’t want to, but I guess I can play this game.

Towards the beginning of the interview, he discusses how sex addiction “treatment” is an unlicensed, unregulated industry (which means what he is doing is also unlicensed and unregulated?). He goes on to talk about how “most sex addiction treatment occurs in unlicensed settings” and sex addicts are solely being “treated” by “coaches,” “12-step groups,” and “residential treatments.” (by the way, he is an Executive Director of one of these type places, but remember, he doesn’t use the term “sex addiction”). Well that is just bullshit and most of the CSAT’s who actually treat sex addicts are trained professionals and just because he doesn’t embrace the model doesn’t mean other highly trained clinical psychologists (just like him) aren’t helping people with their, as he calls it “sexuality issues.”

But really, I could have left all that behind and not done anything more on this subject other than close out the website and shut the door on ever going back to that website again because it is worthless to me, but then I noticed the first comment just below the entry, and here it is:

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and here is my response:

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Oh, and one more thing… Let go says that I found out my husband has been cheating for most of our marriage (if in fact she is talking about me) and that is just frankly false. I am going to throw out some very general numbers here as it really isn’t about the amount of time he spent “cheating” but really about why he was doing it, so here goes. In the 31 years we have been together, the approximate 10,000 days worth (I subtracted out the travel and living apart days), he has spent less than 100 days (or a portion thereof since some of his encounters lasted less than 15 minutes and there was never a time when he spent a full day with any of the women) feeding his addiction with extramarital sex. Somehow, the rest of the time he had the incredibly difficult task of managing his addiction, worrying about what he had done, when and if he would be found out, and whether he would lose everything because of it.

So, I guess my emotions at this point would be anger and frustration. I have said my piece, and now I just need some peace. I am here to write my own story and this is a part of it. I never could have imagined as I sat down to start this blog almost nine months ago, that I would be writing entries like this. I don’t want to be writing entries like this. I am really frustrated with the “needing justice” side of my personality and want to embrace tranquility and kindness and nirvana. Is there really such a thing as nirvana? If there is, I know which blog I will NOT find it on!!!

Peace out!

46 thoughts on “A hornet’s nest

  1. OK can someone explain to me what the difference is between a person who compartmentalizes their actions and someone who lacks empathy? Isn’t, easily and habitually, compartmentalizing nothing but a manifestation of a person who lacks empathy?

    In my understanding it is the lack of an ability to empathize that allows people to compartmentalize.

    Not judging or arguing or trying to parse words. Just trying to figure out the logic, LOL if there is any??? Would love to hear someone’s understanding on this subject.

    I think we throw around terms and possibly get offended but someone’s else’s experience with those terms. I’ve never been around an addict of any sort, well ok I am kind of addicted to nice bags :), so I have no perceived or solid educated understanding of addiction. If you believe BE is an addict that’s good enough for me. I’m learning here just as I learn from a lot of blogs. If I want real empirical psychological analysis I know where to get that. In the meantime I learn so much from my other members of this horrible infidelity alliance.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You know I take comments very seriously and I also go on and on in my replies, usually. I am going to take this comment over and do a post about it. As my husband and I still struggle every day with our new reality, it is really helpful for me to talk it out and if any of it encourages others to think about something they hadn’t thought about before, in my opinion, that is a good thing. I am addicted to chocolate cake, but I also really love nice bags. 🙂 . Pretty sure I am not addicted to them however since I was able to easily walk away from a beautiful LV bag in Paris that I really wanted all because I didn’t want to stand in the tax refund line at the airport!

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  2. I am going to leave you alone after this. I hope you and your husband find comfort and joy in your marriage.
    The reason I am reluctant to believe in SA is because of my job and a member of my family. Drug/alcohol addicts cannot hide their addictions for years. Maybe they can for one or two but every addict I dealt with had husbands/wives/children/parents wringing their hands in despair. EVERYONE in the family knew. There were no secret trips and dirty texts and many phone calls. There were drinks and drugs and anguish. SA is hard to accept when compared to those.
    Also, basic needs of humans are food, clothing, shelter, nurturing and sex. A smoker can give up cigarettes. Even drug addicts can get clean. Do therapists tell their patients to give up a basic need? It does not compute.
    I suggest you take this blog private. You have many supporters and bs who will give you the positive feedback you need.
    I have never wanted to cause you or anyone on these blogs any pain. I just have an opinion different than yours and I stated it. Take it for what it is worth. Two cents.

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    • I have no intention of taking my blog private because one person doesn’t understand sex addiction. It was a very fluke thing that I ended up on Chump Lady’s blog in the first place and I have said my piece about what I think about that particular interview and your comment. That is my right. Why would you suggest I take my blog private? You are not the only one that gets to publicly state your opinions here in this blogging world. Again, if you really want to learn more about sex addiction, then I suggest you do so without throwing out your opinions about how it is different from other addictions or just assume you are right and thousands and thousands of other people are wrong. I understand you have experiences that have shaped who you are, but so do I and so does my husband. It is interesting that you would talk about lacking empathy here on my blog when in fact, I see very little empathy in you for people suffering and all because you don’t understand or don’t want to. I sincerely hope you never have to feel any of the pain of either infidelity or compulsive sexual behavior, but I suggest you don’t assume you won’t. I welcome all comments on my blog and as you know, I respond accordingly with my own opinions and comments based on experiences. You did not cause me pain, you gave me the opportunity to speak my mind. By the way, I know alcoholics, and drug addicts, and food addicts, and now sex addicts. It is absolutely true that alcoholics and drug addicts have a much more difficult time hiding their behavior, but not impossible. There are also different kinds of addictions. My husband’s is a process addiction. Also, my husband’s sexual partner is a very functioning alcoholic, probably sitting right now at a desk at a local labor and delivery room drunk as a skunk, but still managing to hold down her job. My uncle was a functioning butcher for decades, and also a drunk. One of my son’s friend’s mothers was PTA president, and a meth addict! Did we see my Uncle’s awful behavior during family gatherings, yeah. Just because the addictions exhibit different pathologies and behaviors does not mean one is more valid over the other. The more sex addiction is accepted, the more people will come out of the closet and realize that feeling like they “need” to view porn and obsessively masturbate and hide a secret sex life is part of a compulsion they can work towards mastering versus a dirty secret they need to hide. If alcoholics and drug addicts could completely hide their behavior, they WOULD!!! Sex addicts hit rock bottom too and that is how we are where we are right now. Not currently in agony, thankfully. And by the way, we are not knee deep in recovery, more like neck deep!

      Liked by 1 person

    • I disagree with your view on addictions. You make it about the substance or activity, like it’s an external thing that actually holds power in itself over people. The substance is the ‘bad thing’ and that is why you make the distinction between things we need in life and things we don’t. I think that is also the main mistake in our thinking about and treating addictions the traditional way. What makes me skeptical about organizations like AA is exactly that people are to never drink a drop again after sobering up. They learn a ‘trick’ – be it a very useful one – instead of working out their addiction to the core, and learn to define themselves as alcoholics. To me that process would seem only the beginning of healing: get yourself in a better place by stopping acting out. But there is no healing in that, healing is dealing with the root causes of things in my view and getting to the place where alcohol holds no control over you. To the point that you don’t need it, so much so that you

      In my view addiction is about the internal process: filling the void with … (food, gambling, substances, cigarettes, sex, computer games, exercise, shopping, hoarding, drama – etc.). Filling the void is basically the same principal in all of us: we all naturally try to avoid pain by looking for gratification. To me there is no denying that food-addiction exists. I’ve been boulimic from 16 to 27 years old, I assure you that is a form of food-addiction and that I could hide it pretty well. Or that a gambling addiction is in fact an addiction to risk-taking (also an inherent part of life). I think all people are prone to addiction, in some form or another. Only the degrees and the forms vary and our social acceptance of them.

      But your comment on CL was not about a real discussion on this topic, and think you know that. You were using the example of Kat to score points with the community there. It was quite disrespectfully put, and she was very recognizable. You may not have meant it bad, but yeah you know: sometimes you do things to feel good and you end up hurting people. The extremes to that may also vary, but the process is the same…

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  3. Pingback: This is no joke… | try not to cry on my rainbow

  4. Looks like you really got people riled up. That’s a good thing. Creates communication and brings to light all kinds of theories. Some people don’t believe in global warming, some people think vaccinations create autism, some don’t believe in evolution. Even scientific proof can’t make people face truths. I believe that sex addiction exists. I believe that alcoholic, nicotine, cocaine, gambling, love, shopping and eating are all addictive. Some are chemical addictions and others are process addictions – but they all have the same purpose – to distract the addict from inner pain. Stay on your positive, encouraging and uplifting path and don’t allow yourself to get angered by the journeys or beliefs of others. As I said in one of my posts once – you can’t make a tulip grow by pulling on it.

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  5. This person, or someone they love, was hurt by someone with a sex addiction. Maybe that person really does have it, maybe they don’t. I just don’t understand why people come on blogs and boards and spew negativity. If you are pissed, put it on your own blog. Why create more issues and drama for others? I do my best to give advice from personal experience and in a way that promotes positivity and growth. I’m sure I’ve screwed that up a few times. But, if I read something I don’t agree with or have a different perspective on, I just don’t comment. I’m not here to convince everyone else to think like me. I’m here to write about my pain. Share it so others may be helped from what I’m learning. Learn from others about what’s worked for them. I just don’t get the haters.
    My opinion, you are strong and healthy. You are working through the most painful experience of your life. And you are doing it with grace and accountability for yourself. You are helping others get through a similar shit storm. You are living your life honestly. Screw the people that don’t like it, don’t understand or don’t believe. Its truly their problem.

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    • I fight with this all the time, hoping. I want to just write out my story, but I do feel like I can be an advocate for something that can really help a lot of people if they just understand it and not disregard it. My husband wanted to be able to tell people about his addiction that were outside the SA community. He referred to his friends a Carnes’ book (old school succinct description of an extensive study done a few decades ago on sex addiction). When we got together with them they said they were blown away that this a real addiction and that the truth about it is so hidden. They wondered how many people suffer because they feel like they are the only ones. That is where my husband was for decades. He cried, hard, in his first meeting merely for the fact that he found out there were other people who felt and behaved the same way he did. He thought he was a freak who didn’t deserve to live. He had no idea what was wrong with him or that there were others. I feel I have a responsibility to share what I know about something that is very real to my husband and now to me. I don’t want my blog to become a pulpit for sex addiction and I do not believe everyone that cheats is a sex addict. That would be ridiculous. But I do like to be able to share how real it is. The media is insidious. I’m tired of being a sheep following the herd.

      Thank you so much for your very kind and encouraging words. I get a lot of love from this blogging community. ❤

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  6. I admit, I’m a SA diagnosis skeptic but I do understand and realize that to each their own. I also know people are unethical and want to make money off the struggles of others.

    As for my husband, he believes he is (now) a sex addict. I guess he is and if the 12 step model (which is FREE) works for him or anyone else, who else is to judge?

    I do struggle with the diagnosis but only in how it impacts me because I wonder if my husband is just a person who lacks morals and character and I’m a fool. But then I look at what The Player did as a compulsion and/or obsession and it makes a sense because why stay married? Why not just have a different life? I believe he truly does not want that other life.

    I guess since there are two decades of cheating behind me, I question everything because my world has shifted on the axis and I’m never going to be the same. But co-dependency, I’ll have to really argue against that one – I very much do not believe we all are co-dependent. I however, have been truly traumatized because of the affairs and I very much do have PTSD.

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    • Yes, yes to everything. I know exactly how you feel. Understanding and accepting sexual addiction is a process in and of itself. The real issue for me is… is he working on himself in a productive way so that he is no longer choosing to act out in order to cope with all the baggage. What life does he want and how will he be able to achieve it. Not everyone who is diagnosed as a sex addict wants to do the hard work and they are masters of deflection. Somehow their not getting what they want is always someone else’s fault. Once they embrace the fact that they are the masters of their own destiny and the people around them are mirrors of their own behavior… i.e., they are broken and ungrounded, and we are broken and ungrounded, they are healing and feeling good, we are grounded and feeling good. If they are afraid of doing the work, they want to look to us and say, you don’t believe in me, you aren’t even trying. And the answer to that is, so be it. You caused this mess, get yourself out of it. I, personally and ultimately do not believe they lack morals or character. I believe they are broken and need fixing. Their behavior was honed and carried out using stellar skills of manipulation, compartmentalization, rationalization and it fucking sucks for us because we had no idea. The husband I saw was eccentric, driven, goofy, disorganized and a horrible liar. The secret sex addict was manipulative, a master at keeping a hundred balls in the air and a consummate liar. We are suffering from PTSD, but I believe it is a form of PTSD that without other contributing factors (like mental illness) we can overcome. It takes time and we are scared, and skeptical and we feel lost and sad many days, but it gets better as they do. You are doing great, and so am I!

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  7. Argh……
    Bring everything back to perceptions. How we perceive …how others perceive. Who is right? Who is wrong? Who thinks it their right to sit in judgement of others?at the end of the day the perspective in just on you and BE. You know what you are doing. You know the path you are on is the right one for you both. You know you have come such a long way and only you know what you know at the time to make the right decisions and choices.
    Everyone is entitled to have their opinions and even though we might not agree with them we need to just let them go. Let them go. Do not waste your valuable time.
    Haha….says me who ranted and raved about something unfair just the other day which was a complete waste of an hour of my life.
    Doormat Kat? Seriously????? You my dear are a force to be reckoned with and BE is going to thank you so much for being by his side during his recovery from his addiction.
    Let it go …… Not worth it. Big big hug!

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  8. I visited CL site and never returned; probably for the same reason you don’t follow it regularly. I read everything I can to learn about sex addiction and it is discouraging the number of non believers out there. Too bad many plain old serial cheating assholes out there throw up the label for sympathy and forgiveness. It dilutes the reality of a disease that might be better labelled as intimacy disorder (at least in my husband’s case). Sometimes I just stop reading to keep the negative away from me. You’re on the right path with BE, keep it up and best wishes to you.

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  9. It sucks that anyone takes that boob seriously. Are there posers who use it as an excuse? Yes. But to say sex addiction doesn’t exist? That’s absolutely absurd. It’s a compulsion and an addiction for some.

    I don’t like Let go because they comment around but show nothing of themselves? That always smells a little off to me.

    Keep looking for the positive but don’t feel badly if life gets in the way lol. I’m sure even the Dalai Lama gets pissed once in a while.

    You know the truth and those of us that have gotten to know you know it too. I’d be the first to tell u if you were being a weak ass doormat! I promise lol.

    You are strong, intelligent, kind and you are healing. It just sucks that it takes as long as it takes. Hugs xo

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    • I agree it is difficult to have commenters who don’t share personally but give a lot of advice. I know people mean well and I have been through hell and back and written about it and so I understand. I also feel pain when reading others’ blogs. We are all suffering. I do know the truth and all that matters really is that my husband is getting the help he needs for the illness he has. Please do tell me if you read my blog and feel like I am being a weak ass doormat. I don’t ever want to be one of those 🙂 .

      Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. Healing does take a long time and really taking care of ourselves can also be a real learning experience. Hugs back! ❤

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  10. Go Kat! I LOVE (eye roll) the ‘experts’ who know all about every-damn-thing! You know as well as anyone that it doesn’t matter what the fuck the label is, what you and BE are dealing with is real. It is constant. And if ‘they’ don’t believe in ‘the label’ – well fuck them! I guess the problem with sex addiction is that there have been a lot of narcissistic people steal the title to justify their own shit behaviour, leaving the genuinely afflicted with having to deal with the naysayers. I know what BE has is real, whatever anyone wants to call it. (And I call it what it is, an addiction to sex, in order to cope with childhood wounds that were never addressed, in order to function as a self aware adult man.)

    As for CL, controversially here, I love her. Not for any other reason but that not many will call a lot of the self absorbed type of cheating out. The dominant discourse is “forgiveness and ‘healing’ at all costs,” even when the cheater is an arsehole. That isn’t to say she is right all the time. There is the occasional ‘unicorn’ in a genuinely remorseful cheater – mine being one of them. But the thing is, the longer I have been dealing with this, the more I PERSONALLY – bear that in mind all, please – have felt that cheating was really my bottom line. I can’t get over it, I can’t love a man who actively chose to expose me to so much danger. Not one trillion percent, the way I felt before. I kept hoping and working to find an alternative, a different way to be at peace with loving a bit less. I haven’t found it. And some of the betrayed on CL just need a self esteem boost, and some sound advice, to get the fuck outta their shit marriages!

    Let go is an interesting person, I so don’t get why the longevity on the cheater/betrayed blogging bandwagon, when she says she is happily married??? Hmmm. I don’t for a minute think she means badly, but we are the ones living our realities, and healing in the ways that we seek help for and maybe already know best. Commenting hurtfully is not in anyone’s best interest, even if the INTENT is not to hurt (or piss us off!) Hang on a minute, isn’t that what the cheaters say? “I never meant to hurt you!” Yeah, but the thing is, intention or not, we are fucking hurt – same story Let go. You may not intend to hurt, but the comments on another person’s choices (and these are usually extremely well-pondered) can be very hurtful.

    I know you love BE very deeply, and I know you are learning to be kinder to yourself. And that is the best equation for healing, whatever that looks like in your own individual case.

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    • Thanks, Paula. If people can read CL and get something out of it, all the power to them. I was literally about to shut my laptop and have CL safely in my rearview mirror without a second thought, do some work and then start working on my latest painting and then Let go caught my eye. Of all the thousands of posts and comments on CL’s blog, there it was. Whether she is speaking of me or not, and I feel she is, the result is the same. If she doesn’t believe in sex addiction why come on my blog and have a discourse about it. I do believe in the good in people and I do think people speak out of ignorance. They have not experienced it. In her case, it sounds like someone she cares deeply about was hurt by infidelity and that fuels some of it. I don’t know. Actually I have fallen into this trap myself when speaking about AA in the past. I saw some not so savory behavior come out of the meetings and friendships and I generalized. A lot of what comes out of the anon meetings depends on the person and the particular group or meeting. What my husband gets from his 12 step group could never be replaced or experienced any place else. He has regular therapy appointments with two CSATs, but without the steps, without that horrible fourth step of writing down absolutely everything you have done, all the people you have hurt and in all the ways you have hurt them, metabolizing it, and letting it go (steps 5 & 6, I believe) with the help of his guys and his sponsor, he would not even be where he is. He might never have come this far. He is grateful every day for that. I guess if there are guys out there pulling a sympathy card out of the hat that says sex addiction, they must be magicians because being diagnosed as a sex addict is no longer about just getting forgiveness from anyone. It is about an entire re-haul of your life. It is realizing you have a shitty illness reinforced in your brain by bad circumstances, bad situations, and horrifying decisions. But yeah, I get how the media has played fast and loose with the rules and facts and a lot of guys don’t recover. Whether they are sex addicts or not, they don’t master their feelings or their behavior and that sucks.

      I love my husband and I do believe in him. I always have. I can handle the reality now, whatever that will be, each day gets better. Today is good. ❤

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  11. I know very little about sex addiction, so I can’t really comment except to say that nobody know you and BE better than you and BE. You can’t take everything on these websites too seriously. We live during a time when pampered pets have their own Twitter accounts LOL. Any idiot can write anything, that’s what freedom of speech is about, so keep that in mind, and let it roll off of you. This is the Information Age, but it is also a time of unbridled ignorance.
    What I do relate to is your feelings about certain websites and people that constantly spew negativity. Hang out with those people, and that’s what you become. Now I have to admit, I have moments when I feel comfort in talking to people who have gone through something similar, what I notice is that their feelings rub off on me. I DO NOT want to end up as a bitter divorcee. sometimes I feel in danger of that. I don’t want what my husband did to me to define me as a person. So I agree, those websites can be very disruptive to a person who is trying to get to a “good place.” I need to focus on what makes me happy, not what makes me sad. It’s the only way out.
    W

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    • Yes, positive thoughts all the way around. I know it feels good to know people can relate to the devastation, but at some point, we do need to move forward in a positive way, for our own health. I try really hard just to focus on us but this darn internet thing keeps getting in my way 🙂 . Meanwhile, I am dreaming of birthday cake! ❤

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  12. I feel the same as you about Chump Lady’s site. I felt it was overwhelmingly negative, and if I chose to leave my husband it would give me all the encouragement I needed to justify that decision… but if I chose to stay, it was just telling me how big of a mistake I was making and how much of a scumbag my cheating husband was and would always be. I did not need that!!

    I know how you feel about this interviewee. I don’t know if it’s the same guy or not, but when googling SAI Trauma I stumbled across a psychiatrist that emphatically denies that this is a trauma and goes as far as to say it’s abuse of the word trauma. I wanted to find the guy and have an ongoing discussion with him to try to figure out what he would call it if not trauma. I’m a lot like you, in that I don’t care much how it’s labelled, I just care that there’s some treatment, some relief for it.

    I do believe in addiction of all kinds. I believe as people we can develop an unhealthy relationship with almost anything and when that precludes us from having a normal life because it ultimately has control over us it’s an addiction. Pretty simple. Gambling, drugs, alcohol, sex, video games, cigarettes, food… you can have an addiction to darn near anything. I also believe that most people have some kind of addiction (mine is food).

    Unfortunately, I think we’re always going to find people on both sides of the fence when it comes to addiction. I have to admit at points in my life I remember thinking alcoholism wasn’t a disease it was a name derived for a weak person who just wanted alcohol more than not. I guess you could apply that philosophy to any other addiction as well. It doesn’t mean it’s true, it just means that’s the line of thought at the time. Until someone is touched by it in a way that drives it home they’ll never understand. I know I wouldn’t have thought SAI Trauma or PTSD could exist in relation to a spouse who had been cheated on or who dealt with porn addiction from a spouse over several years. Not in a million years could I have comprehended what I experienced and continue to. I never, ever, ever knew this level of trauma existed. And without the experience I couldn’t have known this is real. Addiction is real. Trauma caused by it is real. The people saying it isn’t are lucky enough not to be there, and I am glad for them in that case. I don’t feel slighted by them, I feel happy that they can still deny it’s existence. When they can’t deny it it’ll be because they have personally been given proof that it’s real, and then they’ll live in the hell we do. I don’t wish that on anyone… even the nay-sayers.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Thanks oncewhole for your beautiful words. I hate the fact that you know the feelings and I agree, at least there are lots of people who have not had to live it and therefore do not understand it. I hope they never do, but if they start talking about something they have not experienced or know nothing about, I will probably always want to give my two cents worth because their denouncing it really hurts those suffering from it. The fact that people don’t understand and try to invalidate the feelings can be so hurtful and harmful. I certainly don’t wish the pain on the naysayers, but I do think they have no idea what their words do to those of us who know it is real. ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  13. Namaste Kat 🙂 I read the article in CL that you are referring to. I understand what he is trying to say and I understand what you are saying. Look there is NO right or wrong in any of this healing. I don’t care what it’s called either and I am on your side. I do believe there are people who soothe themselves with sex. Does that make it SA, I have no idea. I like your conviction, I like what you write, I know you and BE are trying just as my H and I are in the best way we know how.

    That said I also read CL. Sometimes I need a little in your-face-WTF-are-you-thinking. That’s just me. There’s been quite a few BS blogs I’ve read that I’ve had to quit reading. They just don’t suit my needs. Obvs this is the case with CL for you. Don’t worry about it right. Everyone has their own opinions, they are like rectums, everyone has one!!!

    Peace

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes, everyone has their own safety guidelines. Most things don’t trigger me anymore regarding the betrayal and the other women, but I still get frustrated with the whole sex addict conversation. If everyone could stay healthily in their own corners and deal with their own shit without so much judgment and negativity, I would be less stressed out. But that is my problem. I need to learn to deal. I try not to live in fantasyland, and I also try not to enter conversations that feel like I am beating my head against a brick wall. Eh, sometimes I fail! Thanks for understanding. Obviously everything on my blog is my opinion and experience and I did not start my blog to actually talk about the validity of sex addiction. A lot of people that follow other BS blogs do not follow me. Sex addiction can still be a very taboo concept (or they just don’t like how or what I write 🙂 . To each their own. I appreciate your experience and your words.

      So, funny thing about your rectum comment. BE does not have a rectum. Over the years it went with a lot of other parts of his digestive tract. 🙂 . Peace and hugs!!!

      Like

        • Ha, he DOES have an asshole! Wow, TMI, ha. The therapist suggested yesterday that BE not read my blog comments anymore (if she only knew). Maybe he won’t read this, but I bet he will.

          YES, fuck it, always be yourself, especially on this blog!!!

          Like

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