Please stop saying you’re sorry

bee

I need something pretty to go with this not so pretty post. I took this in my cutting garden with my macro lens. The bee’s wings are so shiny and beautiful to me.

After posting about structure yesterday, Blue Eyes came home from his very long day, which started with a 7:00am 12-step meeting, then numerous appointments including sales meetings where he needed to gather enough energy to pump up the guys for a very busy upcoming quarter at the company, and a visit to the bank to collect documents for the monstrous construction loan for our beach house, and he collapsed in my arms in tears. I was busy making dinner… my hands were full of utensils and my shirt was a mess and he just melted into me. I was literally and figuratively holding him up. I dropped everything and held him and hugged him and listened. It really was the first full day of the new schedule and it took a toll on him and he wasn’t hiding it or hiding behind his addiction. He attended his 12 step AND worked a full day AND had to perform in multiple meetings as the CEO of his company. He sobbed that it was so difficult. After sending my brother off in a taxi for his plane trip back to Salt Lake City, Blue Eyes said he felt like everything was crumbling around him. He had called me in the afternoon. I suggested he collect some herbal tea and sit somewhere quiet and meditate, just try to clear his mind. The level of energy it takes to be in recovery from addiction, and be a functional husband and father, and run a multimillion dollar company, is overwhelming to him.

We sat down to dinner and Blue Eyes was still clearly ungrounded. We took the dogs for a walk later and that felt good for both of us. During his scheduled alone time in the early evening, time he has earmarked for his physical therapy exercises, or step work, or mindfulness practices, he decided he wanted to be with me. I was on my Pinterest account fantasizing about planning a trip to London and having afternoon tea at a Moroccan restaurant when he asked if he could read something to me. Blue Eyes is almost done with his fourth step (the moral inventory) and the fifth step is basically discussing those defects with God and others (in Blue Eyes’ case that is his sponsor), so the sixth step is right around the corner. Working the 12 steps through meetings follows the twelve months. Now that we are in June, the sixth step is discussed weekly in Blue Eyes’ SA meetings. This process does not by any means reflect a literal 12 step/12 month process. Depending on the person, working the 12 steps can take months or even years. This will be Blue Eyes’ second June that he is in the program. The steps mean more to him now that he is actively working them. Even though he is not technically complete with steps four and five, he is well on his way to thinking about six, so, nice timing that it is now June. What he wanted to read to me was a chapter in one of his step books about the sixth step. He proceeded to read the chapter and then chapters and readings from other books about the step. This is not something I am normally involved in, but I wanted to be supportive by being there physically for him on this stressful day. Blue Eyes cried the entire time he was reading the texts. As he was reading, my mind started to wander. It wandered to a place where I could not separate out what he was saying from his acting out behaviors. And then I could not separate out all the effort going into him understanding who he is with what he has done, while I sit here being all supportive. If I was good at graphics (or not so lazy), I would put up a little chart showing how I feel about how much time and effort in our partnership is going into his recovery (or even before dday, was going into his addiction) and his finding himself (I would even separate out the percentages of his time going into each type of recovery), and how much is going into helping me feel whole after my world was shattered into a million pieces. I did not shatter my world, he shattered my world. His addiction (defects, low self esteem, family of origin wounds, etc… ) have been with him all along so being able to define them sounds so much easier than me figuring out what the hell happened to my life, my husband, my memories, my safety, my security. I have always given and given and given. Now, as part of the partnership, I want something back. Is it too soon? Am I asking for too much? I haven’t really asked for anything from him emotionally over the years. I took what he gave me.

I persevered, and eventually brought myself back around to what he was reading. Is it too soon in the process for him to be able to give me what I need? I am seeing glimmers, but is it because I am better defining what I need and asking for it, or is he finally coming around to realizing he fucked over a lot of people? It seems that the progression for recovery of a sex addict includes a lot of the addict getting in touch with who they are and what they have done, for their own recovery. I feel like being able to discuss with me how he feels about what he did TO me should be included in this process. This may not be ABOUT me, but it sure as hell does affect me in numerous ways and he needs to acknowledge those ways, otherwise, other than taking care of myself, which I can do alone without all the drama, how long am I supposed to wait?

What we should have done after the readings, for our together time, was read something more uplifting, or make love and go to sleep. What we did instead, however, was decide to watch some television. We are pretty much caught up on all the funny and/or non-triggering programming we had on queue. We decided to go back to the Amazon show ‘Transparent.’ We had previously watched three episodes of the 10 episode season, but then Blue Eyes was triggered by the adulterous relationship/lesbian sex. He said he was ready to start watching it again. As it turns out, I wasn’t, at least not watching it with him. There was a scene which included a large breasted older woman and a younger man (woman was originally his babysitter) and BAM! My mind went straight from the large breasts/paid help scenario of Blue Eyes’ pathology, to that horrible image I cannot seem to dispense with and it is me dropping Blue Eyes at the airport before one of his long flights. Me kissing him good-bye and telling him how much I would miss him and I wish he didn’t have to go and if he could possibly shorten the trip, please do. Him kissing me good-bye and walking into the airport where he would meet someone else. My heart feels the pain of his betrayal over and over. Tears flowed, I sobbed a little (or a lot? I don’t remember). I cried myself to sleep. Blue Eyes desperately tried grabbing at every apology he could think of. Nothing worked because apologies don’t work.

This morning, I was feeling pretty okay, but Blue Eyes wanted to try and make it better, for himself. He asked for it. When you open the door for me, I walk through. He said he just didn’t know what to say to make me feel better, or that he just couldn’t apologize enough (am I going to be writing these same kinds of posts five years from now? I sure hope not!). There would never be enough apologies for what he had done and he is correct. I don’t want his apologies. I need him to validate my pain. I have said it before, numerous times. I need him to say, out loud, how he thinks it must feel to be disregarded, to be tossed aside (for whatever reason), to have basic needs ignored or disrespected. To lie there with a woman on top of him, grabbing her breasts, and not think of me at all. How does he think that feels? It is absolutely not about the other women, they mean nothing to me, it is about how my husband treated me. Like trash. Am I trash? Do I feel like trash? No! But that does not negate the fact that he DID do that. How can an adult person who was abused turn around and abuse an innocent victim and how, as an adult, does he think I can heal when the person who abused me was my very own life partner. His parents abused him. He has chosen to cut them out of his life completely. Can he not see the correlation? I chose him to protect me and my feelings, nurture and love me, and he chose me to do the same. I did what I agreed to do. He failed miserably. How does he think that feels? Don’t say you’re sorry… say, “you cannot imagine how fucking horrible that feels and then burst into tears.” That’s when you burst into tears, Blue Eyes! I know you can do it. Give that to ME. It’s not the pain I want to instigate, it is all the emotion and deeper feelings within him that makes me know I am not alone in this, over here, ME, still stuck on the outside from what goes on inside him. I need to know I am not being disregarded, again, in the name of recovery for himself. I need this. I know how incredibly painful it is to go inside this place of deep pain and despair. I KNOW! I will not make him feel alone or disregarded or disrespected. I will melt into his arms and thank him profusely for giving me something I need. Because I need too. I am not too proud to say, “I really really need this.”

Is it too soon? Will it always be too soon?

31 thoughts on “Please stop saying you’re sorry

  1. Crazy Kat- I’m so glad that I took the time to go back and read your responses to this post. The response to Eve was possibly the most powerful thing I’ve read from you. It describes the root of recovery and helps me understand that recovery must be painful for the addict and is their nature to avoid that pain as that has been a learned response that has been practiced and perfected. Thank you for all of the time and mental effort that you take to respond to all of us. Your authentic words of experience help me provide words of support. I am so grateful to have found your blog. A

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your kind comment, A. I take the comments very seriously. I believe they are all part of the information sharing and healing process. Sometimes I need to detach a little from the content, but I do my best to answer as honestly from my heart as possible. Eve’s and everyone else’s comments are very valid and important to me and I try to think about them before replying. Recovery from sex addiction and being the spouse of a sex addict is actually quite harrowing business and most people, THANKFULLY, will never have to go through it. Thanks for following along. I really do feel less alone! ❤

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    • Thank you for the compliment and yes, it is all tiring and difficult but i try to remember all the beautiful things that still exist around me. I took a break from blogging for a whole day (wow 😉 ) and we went to a spa hotel in our local wine making region with friends visiting from out of town. It was very relaxing. Great food, great fun!

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  2. Might the key for you be in the ‘I don’t want him to get away with it’? What is underneath that for you?

    You want him to understand your pain as closely as much you do yourself. That is wishing for a huge level of intimacy, and I think you are right to want that. There is probably nothing as important for feeling safe and loved again as you two really knowing and seeing each other on that deep level. Not only you him, but also for him to see you too. You are probably perfectly capable of taking steps in that direction, like sharing in detail how you actually felt and asking him to just be present with your pain and feel into it (maybe not even saying a word). That is something he can provide for you, if not now then surely with some training.

    But, isn’t the bottleneck here that you have fear of healing because somewhere deep down you feel like when you are healed you thereby let him of the hook? When you are in pain, it sucks, but at least he’s still getting some ‘punishment’ right? Not at all to say that you are purposely trying to punish him, these are unconscious protection mechanisms I think: fear of being left alone again in the way he did if you don’t make sure he doesn’t. It’s a logical fear! But that fear might be the very thing that keeps you from (re-?)building that deep intimacy you need. Does that make any sense?

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    • Thanks for your comment, Eve. I appreciate it. I was offline yesterday, but I did read your comment a couple times. I thought a lot last year about my fear and how my healing and moving past some of the pain would allow my husband sort of a free pass from getting in touch with the empathy that is needed on his part for me to truly move forward with him. For me it wasn’t and isn’t about punishment. It is about how I don’t see how he can possibly truly heal from his addiction in a way that nurtures our relationship as a couple if he does not feel, at a deep level, how much pain he has caused me. A big part of his addiction was compartmentalizing and rationalizing his behavior in relation to my feelings. Him being able to block me out completely while he acted out, still confounds me. Moving forward, that distancing himself from a big part of his life and reality, and distancing himself from the consequences of his actions cannot exist in our marriage. If his recovery only includes an understanding of the brain chemistry of his addiction, understanding the childhood wounds, abstaining from the destructive acting out behaviors, attending meetings and therapy, and feeling sorry for himself, but does not include a more empathetic and deeper understanding of me and what he did to me (and others), I don’t think it is true recovery. He doesn’t want to “go there” with me because it is painful. He is self protective. Unless he breaks down those barriers and understands that there is no excuse for his behavior, that nothing in a book can explain it all away, and that he must basically take back power over his soul, he is not a viable partner. That is my opinion and a requirement I have determined is important for me, my healing, and my safety. He always has the choice to say no, or not do the deep diving, and to me that is basically saying he does not want to fully recover or fight the true nature of the addiction. When he meets my requirements, I will know it. What I do also know, however, is that with sex addicts, this kind of awareness, empathy, and self reflection takes time, sometimes a lot of time. Every day I think… this is ridiculous, I am so much stronger than this trauma. I can go back to behaving the way I did before dday and embrace a life like my old one and be just fine and then my subconscious stops me in my tracks and I realize, for the marriage to continue, I actually need a viable partner and I currently don’t have one.

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      • That’s a tough path, even for a strong lady. Can you start by giving yourself some of what you need from him? That may ease your struggle while you wait for him to recover. It feels like you really need to be the one that is taken care of and who’s feelings are regarded, for once. I know you do that already, but you might want to take it to a higher level in the moments the lack of a viable partner weighs heavy on your shoulders.

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        • Hey Eve, you know, I can try and do more for myself, for sure. I have made a lot of progress in doing just that, but there is always room for improvement. Time helps too. I think I see what you are getting at… be strong enough not to let his weak moments bring me down. It is difficult, but as I heal from the trauma, it is getting easier. Doesn’t mean he is off the hook for the empathy which will always be a requirement for our marriage to continue, but yes, I build my strength and therefore his lacking empathy on his recovery journey is less painful. Thanks.

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          • I was thinking more along the lines of: be kind enough to yourself to be with your own feelings in the moments he is weak. With the same goal by the way, so it won’t bring you down so much. But it seems that whenever he has his moments, his feelings are your priority even if they come at a difficult time for you. There is nothing against prioritizing your own feelings now and then and taking a break from the conversation if you feel you need it, for instance. Or taking a moment to share what his sharing does to you. Makes sense?

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            • Yeah, that makes sense, but I think (and maybe I don’t write this out well enough) that once I am triggered, I only think about myself and how difficult it is for me that he cannot quite seem to grasp the whole empathy concept and healing and I become despondent from my perception of his lack of recovery. The system (other addicts, mental health providers, etc… ) will tell me I am too impatient, that I need to let my husband heal on his own time and schedule, but I feel addicts instinctively ignore the feelings and needs of their partners as part of their addiction (it is very painful to go that deep into the consequences of their actions) and if it is not directly addressed in their recovery, it will go undeveloped and in the end, unrecovered. They may not act out sexually again, but it still gives them a sick place inside to hide and I’m pretty sure that will not equate to a viable spouse relationship. Many writings regarding sex addiction will tell you some addicts never gain empathy. They are never emotionally able to understand what they have done to their partner and therefore they will never be able to give a partner what they really need. It’s a scary prospect for me and always in the back of my mind. I share with him all the time exactly what his sharing does to me and it gets very intense and painful, and… he shuts down. He crawls back inside that hole where he is safe behind the walls he built up for 40+ years against the wrath of his parents, or other things that were just too stressful or painful. He just did it last night. I think people would be shocked to actually watch this process play out that we are going through. Please do keep reminding me how important my feelings are. For years I pushed them aside to help others.

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  3. CK – love your photograph 🙂

    I think that maybe at times like this you are, understandably, overwhelmed by all the factors that are happening – all major life changing events. Although all related they all have their boundaries and sometimes they cross them and create mayhem. Your healing from his betrayal is a HUGE process and yes you need his help. Equally his guilt and remorse is something for him to come to terms with. Added to this is the mass of issues tangled up with addiction. Unfortunately all addictions weigh heavy on the shoulders of those who have to live with someone else’s addiction. However alcohol or gambling addiction doesn’t by default include adultery. Sex addiction does.
    Don’t underestimate what you are both going through and respect that you are entitled to feel exactly as you do. Bad days, better days and some really lovely days. You’re getting there xxxx

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    • Thanks for the kind words of support. Yes, you could say I get overwhelmed and I don’t want to deny myself the acknowledgment of that fact. I am a caretaker and empath by nature, and I think if I let him get away with not truly giving me what I need, I will never really believe he has recovered. We are definitely both going through a lot and I cannot wait for things to calm down, eventually, at some point. It just has to. Cheers to lovely days ahead!

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  4. Forgot to add……sometimes I know I need something from H but I just don’t know what it is. All I know is that something is missing. Of course he has no idea because sorry is his most commonly used word since d day. It can take hours of conversation and questions to get to what it is I feel I need. It is really frustrating and confusing for H. Sometimes it might be something just so simple as I might need some reassurance from him and sometimes there is just nothing. Of course this builds up and add a nice little trigger and we have crazy lady. Last weekend before my daughters premiere I was in a right state. I was angry. I was sad. I felt useless. I became stressed. I felt fat and ugly. I was a mess. On the morning of the event I could not even talk to H because I was so angry at him. I still don’t really know why but I can only guess at a few things. Firstly I was going to see my sister for the first time in a year and I knew she was angry at H but I did not want a scene. Secondly H was amongst 300 young glamorous people and the last time this happened at daughters engagement he was flirting with every woman under the age of 100. Bad bad bad man. All my daughters girlfriends loved him. I think too I was feeling shame. The shame that esther Perel talked about. I know in my sisters eyes I am doing the crazy thing by having him in my life because her first comment to me was. Why haven’t you kicked him out? I will do it for you!!!! Her second comment was she had no idea how wonderful her life is compared to mine and that she will not take her bountiful life for granted anymore. Looking for empathy here but nada.
    I should have been so excited and happy at this event yet here I was because of the selfish shit he decided to do to make himself feel better I was having a fucking shit day.
    He did behave. My sister barely talked to me which is good. I had a few wines and just enjoyed the company of so many beautiful young people. Plus the movie was well received.
    Am I hogging your blog Kat? Sorry xxxxx
    Sending you a big HUG (((()))) xxxx

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    • Oh, by the way, the premiere looked fabulous! So glad to hear the movie was well received. You looked beautiful! Also, thanks for your long comment. I love long comments! Your sister sounds like a royal narcissistic bitch. Wow. Why do we have to have these people in our lives? Even Blue Eyes’ own sister has said similar things about how could I stay with her disgusting brother. The only brother she has left and before finding out about his addiction, she treated him like he could walk on water. She is so superficial and only cares what other people think about her so she doesn’t want anything to mess up the fantasy she and her narcissistic mother have created to feel superior to everyone else. So, I laughed out loud thinking about your cute husband flirting with a 99 year-old woman, ha… anyone under the age of 100 😉 . Believe me, I know the feeling. Bad men indeed. You looked like you were having a good time after all, but I know how we have to put on a show. Can’t wait to see the movie. It looks spirited and hilarious. You could never hog my blog, I welcome all input from you. Big hugs back!!!

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      • The film premiere was a success. The audience laughed at all the right spots. One reviewer said it was the funniest film he has seen in years. The sales agents say they like the Australian-ness of the film and that the U.S. And UK audiences will like it. They now need to sign with a sales agent and so the exciting times begin. I had a good time at the premiere as I have known a lot of the crew and actors for a few years and I have done their film catering in every shoot. I love feeding them and I usually have have all sorts of easy to eat and not so healthy foods. One film shoot I decided to go healthy. I made green kale smoothies and quinoa salad gluten free muffins and cakes. Crew and cast loved it but it blew costs sky high and took so much more time in preparation that I have not done it since. I think next film shoot I will do a mixture. I think it will be in a years time all being well.
        My sister is someone I have had to start to keep at arms length. She is 7 yrs older than me and still introduces me as her baby sister. Such a narcissistic personality but once I realised there is nothing I can do to extract empathy I became more at peace. This sister lives 20 mins away from me. The day I called her to tell her of my breast cancer diagnosis she told me she had to hang up and organise a mammogram. Lol. My other sister who is five years older and lives in tasmania( small island at the bottom of aust……not nz bhahahahahah) got on a plane and took me to the beach for a few days. And we all grew up in the same family. Sisters do not speak to each other either. Never have. Never will.

        Are you having a good day? I hope so. ( hug) xxxx

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        • I am having a really good day. We were at a lovely spa resort with friends last night and had a fabulous dinner and brunch this morning and then went wine tasting on the way home. Beautiful sunny day, no triggers, no worries. Tomorrow I plan to go to the plant nursery and re-do all my flower pots from winter to summer flowers (finally) as it was close to 90 degrees the past couple days. My winter pansies are done. I spent the past hour cutting out fur balls on Stinky’s left side… she is not happy, ha, persians!!! How wonderful for your daughter. These are exciting times in your family. So glad you can enjoy them! My 21 year old Sammy is studying media arts and is quite the film maker already. I’ll send him to you, maybe your daughter can put him to work!!! 😉 .

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          • How wonderful to have good days. Yours sounded lovely. I grew in wine country and would have to say wine tasting is one of my favourite past times!
            I would love to see some pics of your flowers. I bet they grow beautifully. Too hot and humid here to have any serious displays of beauty.
            Poor Stinky. I feel for her. Angus was bad too and I got a few out but he gets so snarky so he went in for a Brazilian.

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            • A Brazilian for Angus, that is hilarious. Stinky got a lion cut once and she was so embarrassed she barely ventured out and when she did, she shivered. If I just brushed her more, we wouldn’t get into this predicament. BE cannot really metabolize wine and much of it gives me a headache, so we are not big drinkers but pretty much everyone we know loves wine, so we dabble. I didn’t get to the nursery today because I didn’t want to deal with the weekend crowds. I’ll go tomorrow and be pretty much by myself. I have so many favorite summer favorites… I plant a lot of zinnia, petunia, and geraniums. I’ll take pictures once the pots are established and post a picture.

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  5. Such hard work you are doing Kat. It can get so draining. So often I think it would just be easier to walk away….even run away and join a circus? You and BE have been working so hard on your recovery journey. Just take a moment to see where you have come from and where you are heading and know that you are both doing the best you can. It will get better. It has to. There will be some shit times and it’s best to just embrace them then let them leave and know it can only get better.
    I look at my life over the last year. It has been taken up with my focus on healing. Gone are those afternoons of gardening and reading and sewing and watching good crap on TV . That life is now just recovery. The more I can recover the more it helps H. The more he recovers the more it helps me. My whole life just seems to be one big huge hole of healing. It just has to get better. I get you Kat. I feel for you where you are. It is hug a cat day so you know what you need to do. 🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱

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    • It did not know there was such a thing as hug a cat day. 🙂 . Every day is hug a cat day around here! It is all so draining. Why can’t I just watch a stupid TV show. Why do I have to feel so bad because of the stupid mistakes of my husband. It hurts and I want it to stop. He can never make it go away, and then on top of the pain, his addiction recovery is a bitch. I did not sign up for this. I feel like I volunteered to work in a torture chamber/insane asylum with no training or recognition of the sacrifice. Thanks for the support! ❤

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  6. In a sense there is something happening that is too soon – seems like him trying to involve you so much in his recovery is painful for you. I feel your discomfort 100%. You want to be supportive and encourage him to keep up the work, but you need your own support and encouragement. Would it be possible to discuss some boundaries around it? Maybe he needs to share more with the therapist and other program people for now until you’re more comfortable and have had more space to heal.

    As the child of an addict (along with all my other stuff), I know I have a LOT of resentment to this day over how my mother was treated like a hero after getting sober and I was just her rebellious stubborn daughter. No one took me to therapy or asked me if I needed to talk. She got all the attention and was forgiven. I was the one who had to “get over it”.

    You deserve to feel your grief and pain and to have it subside naturally as you work through it. You deserve to have it acknowledged and to have the space you need to heal. To me, that is as important as having Blue Eyes fully recognize his role in hurting you.

    I wish you strength and serenity.

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    • Normally he doesn’t involve me in his recovery. He was really ungrounded after a whole day of work and intense meetings. It is just a fact that he functioned at such a high level at work because he had his addiction and he knew he had his addiction whenever he wanted or needed it. Going back to work full time is huge for him. I do agree that we need to clearly state the boundaries around the recovery and that became obvious after last night. I don’t mind being a shoulder to cry on after an exceptionally draining day, but as far as the step work and deep recovery goes, he does need to go to his circle and to his therapist when he is struggling. I believe that over last year, I desperately wanted to be able to help him, but now I realize I cannot. I need help. Living with an addict and then a recovering addict is tough. I cannot imagine what it would be like for a child. There is so much support for the addict, but the rest of us suffer in silence. Well, I am not so silent, but I do suffer. I know he wants to be there for me in whatever way I need, and he keeps trying, but misses the mark. I also know the process takes a lot of time, but sometimes I feel like as he heals, if he is not healing our partnership parallel to healing himself, there won’t be a partnership left. He has done a lot of damage. Thanks for the supportive and encouraging words.

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  7. Hugs to you Kat. I agree with you that sorry is not nearly enough for what your husband has done. He needs to understand your pain and what he has done. Until that happens keep trying. That is the least you can do along with taking care of yourself.

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    • Many times, Bugs, I think he does understand what he has done but he keeps it inside. I need him to voice it and feel it, for my healing. Hiding it inside just doesn’t allow for real healing for either of us.Thanks for the hugs!

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  8. Sorry seems like a stupid word sometimes. It doesn’t change what was done. It feels sometimes like a cop out. At the same time, he seems to be really making a genuine effort. You have to trust him if you want to give your marriage a fighting chance. You have to acknowledge the “I’m sorry” even though it fixes nothing.
    I dont know why men cheat other than “because they can” and also, to some extent, because they are weak. I think it has very little to do with loving or not loving their wives.
    You are both trying, nothing ever happens as fast as we want it. Be brave my friend, I think you are doing awesome!

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    • Be careful though as EMDR from a trained professional made me worse much worse. I have read it can be effective for others though so it may work for Kats’ husband.

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  9. Kat, Sorry doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface, does it? For me, I needed Mindless to not only acknowledge my hurt, but describe exactly what caused the hurt was and how he thinks it made me feel, so I knew he really understood it on a deeper level. And, to listen patiently if there was something I needed to ask, more detail of the pain I wanted to explain and hear him process, absorb and show me he understood.

    Letting his own shame get in the way was probably the biggest stumbling block, but he realized that the shame was again all about him and so he worked to face it. The blog is one example and I do think it is helping us process. Regardless, it is not easy, it is not linear and it is not finite. But, over the last almost three years, with consistent patience, empathy and learning to be vulnerable to the pain he caused, it has helped and is helping. One day at a time, my dear, one day at a time.

    (((Kat))).

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    • Thank you, TL, for your supportive comments. I know he wants to give me what I want. Maybe some day he will be able to. I feel like once he is able to sort of organically meet my needs, I won’t need it so much anymore. So many years of bad behavior are difficult to change overnight, I get that and I agree, this process is not linear or finite. I do definitely need to be validated for the partnership to grow to a better place. ❤

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