So, I think I am at this place. The place where I can get past those horrible, frustrating, triggering, and often times painful moments without more therapy. At least for now. I cancelled my last two therapy appointments. I just wasn't feeling it. But, never say never, right? A couple things I love about the … Continue reading Therapy is nice…
survival after addiction
Closure
Blue Eyes completed the ninth step letter I had requested of him. You know, the one I asked him to write to his eight year acting out partner. This letter I requested was to be written to the woman who blackmailed him for years with threats of exposing his secret to me. Written to the … Continue reading Closure
A forever reminder
In a hotel room in Paris, I sat bolt upright in bed and gripped my left forearm with my right hand. There was a searing pain there on my arm. Whoa, I thought what the heck is going on. I know I had been having a nightmare, I was sweaty and disoriented, but I couldn't … Continue reading A forever reminder
Our time apart
I am way behind on my posts, but for very good reason. We have been traveling most of the past month. So, even though my last couple posts were a bit melancholy, they were not really about Blue Eyes or our relationship, such as it is. At this point, our progress, for both me and Blue Eyes, … Continue reading Our time apart
There’s a cost to all the pain
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kI0Zye_ewPE I am still sick about the untimely death of Prince. As details emerge, it brings back a lot of the feelings from Michael Jackson's death and the pain and suffering of so many other talented musicians, and actors who died too young, it would seem, from merely trying to medicate their pain. Prince, Whitney … Continue reading There’s a cost to all the pain
Why now
This was the question I asked repeatedly of my husband and every therapist we encountered for the first year of recovery. Why, after all these years and all his destructive behavior, can he change now when he never was able to before. He says he wanted to. He says he hated himself. He says he hated … Continue reading Why now
“I never wanted you to find out the truth…”
As I continued struggling with feeling unsettled after Blue Eyes' ninth step, I decided I wanted him to do one more thing for me before he moved forward. As part of his amends step, and his reparation to me, I want him to write a letter to the other woman. The last other woman, the … Continue reading “I never wanted you to find out the truth…”
“It will never happen again”
These are the words that send me to that place. That place where my insides feel like a big festering ulcer, where my head starts to ache and I feel an uneasy clamminess, like I need to purge. "It will never happen again." I was having a great day yesterday. I planned a romantic little … Continue reading “It will never happen again”
The ninth step
I am neither scholarly, nor a particular fan, but I am finding Dante's Inferno keeps coming to mind when I think about Blue Eyes' ninth step, which he presented to me in Ms. Honey's office, last Thursday. He was thirty five years old when he began his journey through hell, Dante that is. Mid way through … Continue reading The ninth step
And then, the rain
We just experienced back to back to back days of sunshine and warmth. Spring in the Pacific Northwest is predictably unpredictable. During the sunny dry days, we walked, we soaked it in, we had a picnic, we ate outside, we visited our beach property. Blue Eyes begged me every day to go for rides in his … Continue reading And then, the rain
try not to cry on my rainbow 