Closure

happy place

My Happy Place. I cherish my garden and all its loveliness. Some days I need to just breathe in the amazing natural beauty in my life.

Blue Eyes completed the ninth step letter I had requested of him. You know, the one I asked him to write to his eight year acting out partner. This letter I requested was to be written to the woman who blackmailed him for years with threats of exposing his secret to me. Written to the woman who stalked me obsessively for months. The woman who wrote a card and sent it to our house demanding Blue Eyes make amends to HER. I asked him to be honest. To really evaluate his feelings during the process of procuring a relationship with this monster and also what drove him back to her time and time again. I wanted to know what he thought, what he felt. To be clear, this letter will never be sent to her. Ever. That’s okay. He read it out loud to me last night.

Him completing this letter and in turn making significant progress on his SA ninth step, the making amends step, has happened, as it turns out, to be somewhat timely. Due to circumstances I will not go into here, I have found out that this woman, this woman who used to work at a hospital across town, in a suburb far from our house, has recently, as recently as May 29th, taken a job a mere 3 miles from our home, and a short six blocks from our office. She is a conniving bitch and I have no doubt she thinks this will bring her closer to Blue Eyes and a chance to win him back. We were both a little unsettled for a couple days. The truth is, at this point nearly 29 months post her bitter, vindictive phone call, she means nothing to either of us. She’s just another creepy older lady in the crowd, trying to spread poison on people who have figured out her game and have no interest in playing.

I have asked Blue Eyes’ permission to share the letter here, with you all. Here it is.

XXXXX,

I need to set the record straight regarding the lies I told you. Lies I told you to your face, about you, and lies I told you about my wife. I need to share with you about who I really am, and how I really feel about my life, and about my wife, my partner, my best friend, and soul mate, Kat.

I lied when I said Kat was not affectionate, that Kat was not loving, that Kat had lost interest in the physical aspects of our relationship. The picture I painted of Kat not being a warm and caring and loving human being could not be further from the truth. Kat has been loving, and passionate, our entire relationship. She has been a caring, giving, and kind human being. Kat has given of herself in the most unselfish way – being there as my best friend, willing to listen and not judge.

From the start what we engaged in, me and you, was a sick relationship based on mutual misery. My relationship with you had nothing to do with you, but had to do with me trying to fix a deep hole that had existed since I was very young. When I reached out via a Craig’s List Ad I was a very sick person. I still am sick, but I am in recovery and making progress every day. At that time, all those years ago, I was looking to find someone that I could manipulate for the purposes of fulfilling my dark secret sexual desires. I wanted and needed power and control. The Ad was a total lie designed to manipulate. To find someone to feel sorry for me. Based on my pathology, I needed someone with low self esteem, that I could continually seek and obtain sexual favors from without having to pay. I was never willing to do anything illegal. I could have easily gone to prostitutes, but I thought that if I paid for it my chances of being found out were greater, and if I was arrested, my professional career could be jeopardized. I am sick in that I would seek out extramarital sex in the first place, but also that I would put a higher value on my career, than on my personal relationships. I had no idea if the Ad would produce anything. But I was hoping for a secret sexual relationship that didn’t cost me any money. Now I know I was looking for a free drug, on demand.

I was never attracted to you in the slightest. I used my mind to create and conjour up fantasies. You were just a vessel, a prop in my sickness that I could gain power over and control through manipulation. I was in fact repulsed by you and afraid to be seen with you. I knew your mere appearance was a great cover if I ever encountered anyone I knew. I knew no one sane would ever believe I was in any kind of relationship with you, particularly anything romantic or sexual. Not only was I repulsed by you, I was embarrassed to be around you. I lied and manipulated you just so I could use you to fulfill your part of my addiction. Every time I saw you I was left with great shame and hatred of myself and fear that I might be discovered. Every time, I told myself it would be the last time. Your continuous phone calls to me when I tried to stop the sexual hookups were torture. Your threats to tell my wife and even calling the home phone and Kat’s cell phone to get me to call you, took a horrific toll on me. I realize I instigated this mess, but you perpetuated torture. I honestly had no idea why I was doing what I was doing and I swore over and over that I wouldn’t ever do it again. Even now, whenever I hear a phone ring I feel great anxiety. You were an absolute monster that I was afraid of, who used the leverage of the secret to keep me on the hook. You had your part to play in this sick relationship. None of that shifts any accountability from me, but frankly, amends are owed to victims and you were anything but a victim. You know my situation, and you elected to torture and threaten me to keep getting your own hit.

Love was never a part of our relationship. While I said I loved you and other compliments, they were all said with the intention of keeping you calm and at bay so that you would continue to act out with me and also not harm me physically. I did not actually mean any of the compliments I said, it was all in the pursuit of the drug and preservation of the addiction and my secret life. I had an on demand morphine drip. I am an addict. I was never addicted to you, I was addicted to the pathology, the high that the control and manipulation–the secret–brought. You, the person, you were never in my fantasies nor did I think about you when we were sexting, ever. If in fact an image of you, the reality of you, popped into my head, that would have nauseated and stopped me dead in my tracks.

There was one time when I came over to your house and you were raving mad in your front yard, apparently yelling at a contractor and he looked at me and said, “your MOTHER is really sick and needs some help.” His words hit me like a sickening wave, coming up from my subconscious and I became very nauseous, and I realized that in some sick way this was related to my mother and that in fact YOU were a caricature of my mother, emotionally abusive, creating fear and anxiety in my life. I had recreated in some context the sick, abusive environment from my home life. It was only my sickness that kept me going back.

On numerous occasions reality would hit me and I would feel like I was letting someone drain my soul. Not only was I losing it, I was giving away what belonged to Kat and me. A sacred gift we should only have shared with each other. You were taking something that was not yours. You were stealing with knowledge. While I was giving it away and taking from my angel, transferring the harm from my bad acts to an innocent, you were doing the same and using blackmail to extort from me. Your relationship with me was based on misery and elements of extortion and addiction. It was based on lies and behind the addiction was a subconscious pathology emanating from abuse. It was all based on deception and dishonesty.

Sometimes when we were having sex, I would see you for what you really were and I prayed that God would take me and I would not end up in Hell. I literally saw the devil incarnate in you. This image still haunts me to this day and makes me sick. I do not believe in the devil. But what I saw was a true reflection of my shadow side. I hated myself so much I was willing to destroy it all and give in to the abyss, the darkness. And yet, I kept going back and now I understand my addiction.

I was a sick child that never developed and I needed to feed my entitlement, the bad and spoiled child, the child that never got his way. The preceding makes me nauseous as it brings me to the reality of how insane I was to jeopardize everything that matters, to throw aside all that is good and pure to just get the fix. Now I have replaced the self hatred and the self loathing I had for myself with love for me. I can be kind to myself and have started to discover my true nature.

I have learned, since I have been in recovery, that I reached out to you because of some deep-seated subconscious belief that I could master or tame my mother, a mentally ill person that suffers from narcissistic personality disorder, who is erratic, evil, and incapable of empathy. This acting out of mine from a subconscious need was totally insane and sick. What I found in you was an unwell, erratic, mean and evil personality that knowingly participated in a covert relationship, and preyed on and stalked my best friend.

You were able to rationalize the relationship in some way even though you knew I had a wife and children. Our relationship was based on lies, the lies I told you, which you had to know were untrue. Based on my actions towards you, my complete neglect of anything real between us, my chronic desire for quick sex and nothing else, I know you know I was lying to you. I tried so many times to stop. I told you what we were doing was wrong and that I felt bad every time. I told you that I could not stop. You were just so desperate to be loved and you equated sex with love and you were so desperate for human contact that even when you knew that it wasn’t love, for either of us, and that we should stop, you let it continue and when I tried to stop for any length of time you harassed me with phone calls and threats and the cycle started all over again.

When you told me that you would only continue seeing me if we went on trips together, I’m not sure how that changed anything in your mind? I guess you really knew that you were an unpaid whore, and you had resolved yourself to that? I guess looking back on it, I was your free whore as well. I do remember you offering to pay ME to spend more time with you and I told you that you could not afford me. I was worried that I would be discovered as I would be walking around with this extra money and that also I now would literally if not technically be a whore. I was your whore. This is all so unbelievable as I write this out to you. Again it was so obviously not real. You paid a lot of your own money to travel with me even though I gave you no time, other than sex. How could any of it be real? I hid from you at the airport until boarding, keeping my distance afraid to be seen with you. I constantly scanned the boarding passengers to make sure no one was there that recognized me. You knew I did not want to be seen with you in public places. When we arrived at hotels and I would have you stay outside instructing you to stay in the lobby, or elsewhere, only giving you the room number after I was safely inside, so we would not be seen together even in cities thousands of miles from home, you had to have known how desperate I was not to be associated with you. When I left the hotel room, I implored you to never follow me out. I was horrified and you knew it when I found out you would follow me and take photos. This was not a real relationship. I simply was embarrassed and ashamed and did not want to be seen with you or identified with you. Is this how someone would treat someone they loved and cherished? No this is how you treat someone you do not want to actually be associated with in any way. After we had sex, I felt deep shame and regret. My strategy always shifted to how do I manage this crazy person and focus on my business… what the fuck have I got myself into, what have I done…. swearing never to do this again. My mind was bombarded with thoughts of how to manage this horrible situation and keep harm from coming to me. How to exit and get away from it. The anxiety would become disabling when the trip would get closer to its end as there had already been several episodes with you acting irrational and crazy. I was afraid of your behavior. I was scared of you and just wanted to get away. I was a coward in that I never did the right thing and walk away from you for good.

I remember our last conversations and how I told you that I was sick and that I needed help. I had said this before but I felt that this time was truly different. That I could not continue the relationship and I must stop or the stress would surely kill me. I had started to become more self aware. I asked you not to contact me. I remember you started to call Kat’s mobile phone all the time, always blocking your number and never leaving a message. I would delete the incoming messages before Kat could see them. You were desperate to start the cycle using your emotional blackmail, but I wanted no part of it. You continued your obsessive and destructive behavior 5 more months. I was exhausted. I was waiting for you to just STOP! On that day in January 2014, I went downstairs when you started another barrage of phone calls, first to my phone. I did not pick up your calls because I wanted it all to end. I did not answer, I did not beg. I did not start the cycle over again. For the first time in my life, I said NO. No to the addiction. No to you. No to the madness. I could just not do it anymore and when you spoke to Kat and she asked if it was true… it was the beginning of not only indescribable torture for my best friend and soul mate, but the same for my children, my precious sons. The nightmare, the wreckage continues to this day. There are always reminders of what I did. There is no statute of limitations to the devastation.

I do believe I was in the process of change when I called off our sick relationship. I had finally started to talk with my therapist about sex addiction. We were getting there. I was on the start of a journey. While discovery and multiple disclosures have immeasurably harmed my family, and my Kat, they are my wreckage and I own them. But your continuous stalking and harassment of Kat revealed your true evil nature and that you would hurt another human being and multiple human beings in pursuit of whatever sick path you were on, is a special type of insanity. How could I have feelings about someone that I was repulsed by, that I did not want to be seen with, that was evil incarnate, that was a proxy in some way for an abusive family system, someone that tortured me and did the same to my family? I don’t know what I would do if I actually saw you again. I have a protocol to tell you to get away from me and to tell you never to contact or seek me or my family out. I will call the police and I will seek a restraining order and I will make your life miserable. But I also will protect my family, my best friend and I would not think twice to use deadly force to protect my family from you, at risk of my own life. To give my life to protect Kat and my children from the wreckage that I have caused in some ways is the only other redemption I can avail myself of besides my recovery work, which is putting me in touch with all that is good and pure in me. I am not in danger of relapse. I have no feelings for you or any other woman other than Kat. You are a product of self loathing and hate that I was never able to extricate myself from. You were the embodiment of self hatred. Nothing that lasts can be manufactured from hatred and misery. The universe does hear. There are no secrets, I was killing myself and I was taking from my Kat and my family what belonged to them. I betrayed the most sacred trust. In my mind I kept you a secret because I did not want to lose what mattered most, my family, and I wanted to keep my addiction. Well, what matters most is my loved ones stayed by my side and every day there is gratitude and awareness and recovery.

The truth about Kat? She has been there for me in sickness and health, in self-doubt, and crisis. I lost and found myself in those loving brown eyes from the first day I met her. I have been safe with Kat. Kat is my sanctuary without judgment. She has endless compassion and understanding. Kat has given of herself with her primary concern being my well-being and happiness in mind. Her generosity, her loving kindness, have enabled to me to hold on to that which is good in me and not give up on myself.

From the first day Kat met me, I was sickly and needy. My family emotionally abused her and yet she decided to stay with me. When my parent’s withdrew their financial support of me, it was Kat who came through for me, supporting my dreams even when it meant I would be far away from her. It was Kat who put her entire life on hold so she could be with me. Kat is the mother of my children. She proceeded to raise and nurture and unconditionally love our children. She made sure that I spent time with them and to this day we continue to build great and joyous family memories. She put the children and my interests before hers, making sacrifices large and small on a daily basis so the children could have the best life and I could pursue my dreams. She turned my business around and righted the ship when it was floundering. My children’s lives, my professional success, even the house we live in would not have been possible with out her unselfish love, dedication, and kindness. Kat is my guardian angel, my best friend, my wife, she is my everything!!!! I will never do anything again to jeopardize my union with Kat.

Kat has chosen to not run, whether it was from the abusive environment that was connected to me from my family of origin or from my own abuse of her. Even at great jeopardy to herself, when it would be easiest and rational to run, Kat has chosen the more difficult and painful pathway. Her love and faith in me, despite all the lies I told about her and the misery I inflicted, has been the light in my darkness. She has been the source of constant gratitude and amazement for me! It has been the closest thing to a miracle for me.

You see, I love and cherish Kat for who she is and every day I thank the universe for this gift. This is what I am fighting for…this is why I will never give up…this is why I am learning to love myself and to embrace all of myself. Kat’s actions have never been about herself, they have always been about something much larger. Before my recovery Kat was my other half, she balanced me out, she completed what I wanted to be, she represented my ideal self. Now I am transforming so that I can finally meet her. Kat has given me the greatest gift of all, a path to completing myself.

Unsigned.

44 thoughts on “Closure

  1. Kat…just catching up and wow. WOW. The depth of his self-examination for both motive and action is evidenced in this letter. The realization of his rationalization and justification to allow himself to be where he was is clear. The owning of his personal deception, feelings of shame and entrapment and strength in breaking the bonds is well communicated. And mostly…his unabashed love for his life partner, also willing to dig deep in her soul and to stand with him on this journey of lifelong illness…is just beautiful.

    Thank you for your transparency, for BE’s transparency and for both of you to committing to working deeply and finding beauty where there seemed to be only filth.

    You are both brave, and both heroes in my book – and HUSBAND’s too.

    H. U. G. S.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, SS. There was always beauty in our lives. I cherish our partnership and the family we built through love over the past 32 years. I don’t regret any of it and I don’t really consider it filth. The dirty sex, yeah, that’s pretty disgusting, but that was a symptom of a much larger issue within him and the sexual acting out holds no pain for me now. And since I love him dearly, I would rather focus on the beauty, for sure. Regarding the transparency, it is crucial to the survival of our relationship. Open communication has increased ten fold in the past year. Blue Eyes does not run away (either physically or mentally) any more and for that, I am grateful. In this letter I needed him to face his own truth, and he did. True healing is a long and difficult process. I know you know that. {{{hugs}}} back.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This was painful for me to read, so I wonder what you felt like after reading it. It was obviously complimentary to you, but it is also extremely dark. I am so glad that the bulk of this is behind you. I respect and admire your forgiving spirit, and I really do believe that if someone genuinely wants to, it is possible to make changes. I am so proud of you both ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Actually BE read it out loud to me. It was very painful for him. I was impressed by his thoroughness. It wasn’t really upsetting at this point. I’m not sure exactly why. Probably because I asked for it? Nothing really shocks me anymore and the pain around what he did with this woman has reached a really numb point. The only thing that still triggers pain is when he ignores my wishes or breaks the rules. He is very attentive to me (as you know) and he is working so hard for himself and for us. I am grateful this exercise is complete though! xoxo

      Liked by 2 people

  3. “they are my wreckage and I own them” I love that.There would be no point in the there woman reading this, it takes conscience, self awareness, selflessness, compassion, understanding, intelligence, love, self-love, to begin to empathise with someone you have wronged. Doesn’t sound like she is capable or willing. I’m glad you were pleased with it Kat x x x

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    • Thanks, Owlie! I am sorry any of this ever happened, but I am not sorry that I held strong and never gave in to my desires to try and convince that woman that she was wrong, that she is the awful person, that I am good. It is just not worth it. I am pleased that BE was able to accomplish this difficult task with such humility and self reflection. ❤

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  4. Wow! I would like to believe that if she were ever to read the letter, she’s get it — but we know how deluded some people can be. It doesn’t matter though — what matters is he put pen to paper and wrote out, clearly and beautifully, his mindset. You are his life and she was nothing more than an ends to a sick means. Happy for you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are so right! He gets it now. He is self reflective and becoming much more self aware. I am glad I asked for the letter. I do think it provided both of us with further healing.

      And unfortunately, I don’t think she’d ever get it. She is delusional. A person cannot carry on the way she did for eight years and then do what she did once it was over, and be normal. C’est la vie. Time to move forward from the nastiness.

      How are the book sales? I have contemplated going back to school and getting my masters in psychology, but I am an old lady. Not sure I have the stamina anymore. 🙂 ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for sharing this very personal and important part of your journey. Two sentences in his letter really demonstrate what I think is crucial to his recovery – “I can be kind to myself and have started to discover my true nature.” “…..which is putting me in touch with all that is good and pure in me.” To learn to replace/reprogram the bad that has been inflicted since childhood- is truly a blessing. I know this to be true.
    While reading the end of his letter, I found myself thinking that he gets it! Kat is all of that and more. True Love and loving unconditionally is so important in relationships. Let me be mindful to thank the universe each day for the gift of my husband.💗

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes! Sometimes I think we get caught up and forget to be grateful in our lives. Sometimes we do take for granted the people that are there for us on a daily basis, especially if they appear to have it all together. We all need to be reminded that life is hard, sometimes doing the right thing is hard, and we all deserve a big hug and a dose of recognition for our efforts! Along with thanking the universe, thank your husband directly. Good ones are hard to find you know. 😉

      I am thankful that Blue Eyes now gets it, and even bigger… can acknowledge it. I am so grateful for his healing and above all, that he is learning to love himself! Life is sweeter for what we have both learned the past 30 months. ♥️

      Liked by 1 person

    • Elisabeth, although I, of course, realize each individual is entitled to their opinion, the world is made up of all kinds of people, to each their own, and all that jazz, putting “illness” in quotes when talking about my husband on my blog, just doesn’t sit well with me. Unless a person has lived with an addict, I am not sure they could even understand how this whole thing plays out. This is not your run of the mill cheating situation. This is not a moment of weakness, or arrogance, or narcissism. This is not a bad man trying to get out of a bad marriage. I realize I cannot possibly make people understand the reality that is sex addiction unless you literally took over my life and lived with my husband or any number of the other thousands of sex addicts out there. One of the reasons I continue to write on this blog is because it resonates with women who are going through the hell I am going through. We don’t feel so alone. I am not a chump, and I am not delusional. When my husband was first diagnosed (after hours and hours of diagnostic testing and in-depth therapy) by three separate therapists, I went searching for answers. What I found was a whole lot of cynicism, hate, misunderstandings, mistruths, and even jokes!!! People just do not want to associate sex and addiction. Honestly, sex addiction makes the most sense of all to me. When we are developing into adults and are vulnerable, there is a drug right at our fingertips. We can self medicate without even having to break into mommy and daddy’s liquor cabinet. My husband escalated from masturbation to porn to risky sex to extramarital sex over a 40 year period. He is an addict.

      I am interested in just exactly how you feel about alcoholism or drug abuse. Do you believe those are illnesses? Is it just sex addiction you have a problem with? What about gambling? I am not being defensive, I am merely trying to point out that it is disrespectful to come on my blog and with a couple of simple quotation marks disrespect the nearly 30 months of hard self reflection and work my husband has done. This is not a person who arrogantly writes about his extramarital sexual conquests on forums or dating sites. This is not someone who flaunted his exploits or picked up women at bars, or joked about women with his friends. My husband is a person who lived with shame, fear, isolation, and led a secret life for more than 40 years as a result of whatever it is that actually causes addiction in the first place. Be it genetic… nature, or nurture, or both, his brain was altered over time. It was altered to believe he needed the drug to cope with life. Even to survive. The truth is he is an addict and he is doing the hard work. I am so grateful there are people out there who understand sex addiction and helped us both to heal. They helped him with a recovery program that is working for him and they helped me with my trauma. It was only because these people actually do understand sex addiction that we are in the place we are right now. I would not go on your blog and make these comments because it is your blog and you get to write about whatever you want. However, my blog is a place of healing for me. I don’t moderate. I let everyone speak their mind. But in the process, I also get to speak mine.

      I hope you understand my comment is not intended to be disrespectful. I do get my feathers ruffled sometimes and I use this venue to try and get them back into place.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I meant to say that he did the work! That he was not “hiding” but clear about his responsibility. It was not meant the way you perceived it. That it is closure was an honest comment and not sarcastic.

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            • I understand. Thank you for the explanation. I don’t write about generalities here, I write about our life and our relationship, as honestly as I can, and such as it is. It’s very personal. Thank you for sticking with the conversation. x

              Liked by 1 person

              • Thank you Kat. I hated it that I might have offended you. I know how much work you have been doing together. I am unfortunately one of the club, a faithful wife (not a chump) and my husband betrayed me. I write my blog using less personal stuff that applies to more people, but certainly not to all. My post 36, is about doing the work and how crucial that is and indeed when the work is done (or rather it is a process), it provides closure.

                Liked by 2 people

                • I’m easily rattled, but not easily offended. If that makes sense? I have an opinion on things I care about and generally don’t get involved in things I know nothing about, but in this case, I am intimately involved. I do keep the conversation going until I feel like I have said my piece. Take it or leave it. We all have that choice. I realize you have been betrayed and I would never wish addiction on top of that to anyone, but I do understand what it is like to live with an addict. I have written many times about a certain blogger who actually does not understand but yet has very distinctive negative opinions, plus a lot of readers, and she has no qualms about denying the existence of sex addiction. I certainly exercise my choice to not follow her nor listen to anything she has to say. I cannot imagine denying someone else’s reality. I think she has a bad attitude. Again, I also believe most of what she does and writes is just to make money at this point and I have no interest in supporting that. Instinctively I know what it means to “do the work.” I have held myself accountable for my actions my whole life. I am thankful my husband is finally doing the same. xx

                  Liked by 3 people

  6. Kat- I loved this! What he wrote about you, that’s what matters.

    That he sees you and your deep love for him and that he finally understands how deserving of love he is- those are the the things that truly count.

    Thank you and him fit for sharing this- I needed such a hope as this today. This is absolute, pure, and true love- no extent of ugliness can ever permeate that kind of love- thank you for reminding me of that truth!

    I’m so proud of both of you and how far you two have come! Please know you lifted my spirits and healed a bit of my own heart by sharing this!

    Liked by 3 people

    • I’m so glad this resonated with you. I know this is his truth. He worked hard on this and although I knew most of it already, it was nice to see him go this deep and to put it all down, as painful as it was, and to face his own fears and still be able to write pretty eloquently about the work he is doing on himself and also write out his love for me. As I said to Leigh, this whole recovering/healing path is such a long process, nothing happens over night, but reaching this level of self awareness is good for everyone, not just addicts. Your last sentence brings tears of joy to my eyes. Even though we are separated by miles and technology, it is nice to be able to share with others and maybe maybe just heal the teeniest little wound in all this pain. ❤

      Liked by 2 people

    • Me too. This is a very long process, but his words (even though they are theoretically written to her, I know they were meant for me) comfort me. They comfort me not because of all he says about their sick relationship, that I already knew he knew, and of course I knew, but because he acknowledges that he is working to make himself whole and all the acting out he did, was never going to work. It was never going to bring him anything but misery. He doesn’t want that life. I am glad he went to that deep place of recognizing and acknowledging the destruction he perpetrated. If they keep the path, everyone can heal. ❤

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