Our time apart

Life is a journey

I am way behind on my posts, but for very good reason. We have been traveling most of the past month. So, even though my last couple posts were a bit melancholy, they were not really about Blue Eyes or our relationship, such as it is. At this point, our progress, for both me and Blue Eyes, is quantifiable.

Earlier in May we crossed a hurdle. For more than two years, Blue Eyes has not spent the night in a hotel room without me. The vast majority of his most destructive addictive acting out behaviors were carried out in hotel rooms across the world. It wasn’t that he couldn’t stay in a hotel room alone without acting out. He could. He had made a commitment to himself even before I found out about his behaviors. We both know that he was capable of remaining sober and that he was in fact committed to it. However, we did have an agreement. I would travel with Blue Eyes and in so doing, I would take away one of his triggers, loneliness, and my triggers of being home alone while he traveled, would also be eliminated. Traveling with him the past two years has held a lot of anxiety for me, but I made it through. I faced my fears and they no longer grip me.

Last month my brother (GQ) informed us that he, his wife, and the Princess would be flying from Tokyo to San Diego, California during Japan’s Golden Week holiday. Due to heavy travel, San Diego was as close as they could get to Portland, using their miles. We were all thrilled that they would actually be traveling to the U.S. We immediately booked flights and hotels to spend part of the week with them, as did my parents. Then, Blue Eyes found out he needed to be in a different city for an important business conference… an opportunity he couldn’t pass up. We decided he would go to his conference, and I would fly to San Diego. The last time Blue Eyes and I were apart (he at home, me at one of my other brother’s houses) we were emotional wrecks. That was over a year ago, and documented here:  Too soon. I re-read that post from March, 2015 and I can’t believe that was me. I have come so far. We both have. I no longer feel ignored. Blue Eyes rarely deflects in the way he did the first 18 months post d-day. He really is a changed man. It’s not that he was so horrible the first 18  months, or that he is perfect now, it is just that we were both so broken then. Now we are mending. He is attentive in just the right doses, and I am much healthier and require far less assuring. My trust in him is returning.

I missed him while we were apart, and he missed me. He had some trouble sleeping. I did not. I think this is natural. He is a recovering addict with decades of habitually destructive behaviors to overcome. I spent my days chasing an 18 month old around a beach, and trudging miles and miles through the San Diego zoo, and thanks to my crazy brother, hiking four miles into the Los Penasquitos Canyon Preserve (and then back), and by the time I retired for bed, I was freaking exhausted!!!

Blue Eyes now has positive activities and recovery resources to turn to when he is alone and struggling. No more excuses. No more rationalizing. No more hurting people trying to feed his own painful demons. We are both living in reality now. Our life is vastly different than it was three years ago… also very different than it was just a year ago. I am thrilled that we were both able to cross this hurdle and that we are both changing in positive and marked ways. Sometimes looking back gives me a glimpse into just how far I have come… and I have come far.

 

17 thoughts on “Our time apart

  1. Kat…I took a month off too…and am just now catching up. This was such a hopeful post, and it seems that our recoveries are somewhat parallel. My husband was 2 years sober on June 12 – and we celebrated with humble gratefulness. Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story honestly. I have felt compelled to do the same…and found this amazing support here in our community. HUGS!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, SS. This is a wonderful place to share. I have met some really great people through this blog and it is something to find people who understand some of what we have been through. That’s not all that easy to do. We are plugging along… BE received his two year chip on December 11, 2015. Two year anniversary of dday was January 11, 2016. He has been in solid recovery for over two years and that means facing all those feelings and not hiding. The milestones do absolutely mean a lot! Congratulations to both of you! xoxo

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  2. Kath, I did the same, I accompanied him to nearly all his business travels for a while. It was tough and I still hate hotels and often look around for “unlikely” couples being cuddly in public. I could not help it but I put my “scrutiny you look” on and if the woman was very slutty, I gave the occasional stink eye. Bad me….judging others and not regretting it…so unprofessional :).It was a time of healing, but tough.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Trauma does turn us into people we don’t necessarily recognize. Trauma knows no professional boundaries. For sure. I still have a difficult time understanding the women who choose to participate in these lurid affairs, receiving so little from the relationships other than illicit sex, they must surely be seriously broken inside. But I can only focus on myself at this point. The biggest question for me has been and continues to be, am I getting from my partner what I need. Is he now honest. Does he live with integrity. Is he facing his own reality. Is he learning to replace the old bad habits with new good ones. And during that process, do I feel respected and appreciated and loved. Thankfully we have come to the point where I can answer yes. Each day still brings it’s own challenges and this is definitely not what I had pictured as my life at this point, but sometimes our expectations are what ultimately let us down. Living in the moment, with an open mind, is what is critical for me right now. Thanks for the comment. We are in this together. xx

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  3. Happy (belated) Birthday! I hope this Europe trip was as amazing as it could be! You deserve it to be super awesome, especially after all you’ve been through, dear Kat. It is indeed inspiring to read how your story unfolds, and I so appreciate that you don’t stop writing when things seem to be good – for us walking many steps behind you being part of your story is a little bit like looking into a crystal ball… I really don’t want to put any pressure on you with this, and I want to emphasise that I know too well that all stories, all people are different, so I don’t think I or anyone could or should copy your actions. But still, seeing your story gives hope, or rather justifies us hanging on to the very last hope. There are only few of you with this positive ending (sorry, I shouldn’t say ending, I should say journey), and we are all hoping to have something like this for us (now that we were dealt this shitcake to start with). I read the post you linked to – and wow, you did come a long way indeed and I’m so happy for you. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for the birthday wishes, MWS. The Europe trip was absolutely amazing. I loved nearly every single minute of it (except the 9 hour plane flights each way). No doubt I will write about it soon. 🙂 I need to catch up on my blog reading as well.

      When I decided to write this blog, share eight months of journal entries, and then write from the present, I had no idea where our story would go. I just frankly felt the need to write it out because I was devastated and didn’t know anyone who had lived such a story. At the beginning I was hard pressed to find any stories of wives of sex addicts here or anywhere else, except on some forums where it was pretty much all doom and gloom. If I hadn’t loved my husband so much and for so long, perhaps I would have chosen to leave. We all have different circumstances and need to make decisions based on our unique lives, obviously. I can only write about mine and I do so with blunt honesty.

      The only way my story was ever going to be a happy one, staying with my husband that is, is if he embraced his recovery seriously and fully. He has done this, but the point I want to get across here is that it has not been easy and it is still not easy. Addiction is no joke. Their brains have been wired to expect certain stimuli to get through a day. It is so difficult to fight the urge to medicate. The fact that they medicate with sex just adds a layer of awfulness to the mix. For us, it is humiliating, it is maddening, it is horrifying, but it is their drug as simple as if they were picking up a glass of liquor or injecting heroin.

      To be honest, I am grateful to my husband for allowing my story of staying, of reconciling if you will, of continuing to love him in the way I have for 30+ years to be a hopeful one. I am a loyal, loving, understanding, empathetic person of integrity. He chose well. I have been there for him, but he has now also been there for me in critical ways that he wasn’t before. His recovery is all on him and for him. I am just grateful that he has decided to be strong and take the tougher road. To be that better person. But his story is far from over. This a long and grueling process. Each day brings tough choices. Much strength and love to you. xoxo

      Liked by 2 people

  4. It is inspiring and hopeful, Kat, to read my way through your journey. This forum has been the one of the most helpful, healing things I have come across. You and others are a constant source of support and I feel blessed have found you all. Good for you and BE…you have worked so hard and you are seeing the fruits of your labors. Thank you for being so open and sharing…what a fount of health and knowledge! *BIG HUGS!*

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much, Leigh for your words of encouragement. I am trying to be bluntly honest here because I don’t know any other way to be and I have found comfort in spilling my story. I guess the one running theme that I want to get across is that this truly is a journey. Stops and starts, bumps, hills, valleys, there is no magic day that we are all fixed. We are all unique beings and although BE and I have chosen this healing journey as a couple, we still each need to work on ourselves individually every single day. I have faced my new reality and am learning to embrace it. We can’t change the past, but we can learn from it, and grow from it. Thank you for the hugs, always, and huge hugs back to you. I remember one year out… not fun, still full of trauma and triggers, and so much healing yet to be had by the addict as well, but it gets so much better. Once they really learn to live their life in truth and honesty and without their drug (and without anger and resentment and deflection), they realize it is SO MUCH BETTER THIS WAY!!! ❤ ❤ ❤

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  5. I was wondering about you kat. Sometimes it takes looking back to see how much we have progressed. Nothing wrong with that reminder. I’m happy you and BE are in this better place. It will only keep getting better. You are a strong woman and I admire your strength. Xx

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