You can’t always get what you want…

Journal Entry: May 14, 2014

Today is my birthday. Ah, it would have been way too easy to quote THAT song.

Other than Facebook and phone calls, I received most of my birthday wishes and presents a few days ago, on Mother’s Day. That’s usually the way it goes in our family when your birthday falls around another major holiday. We just combine ‘em. It’s easier for everyone that way. I love my gifts and all my birthday hugs. My husband was very attentive, but he always has been on Mother’s Day, and my birthday. He was not a bad husband, I mean other than the fact that he cheated on me and lied to me for 15 years straight, but not on my birthday. Wait, I don’t know, he could have phoned or emailed or texted her on Mother’s Day. He probably did if she used the day to blackmail him and threatened to call me. She doesn’t have a family, her mother passed when she was a teenager, she has no children and I am sure she would like nothing better than to ruin what I have. I’m sure he was horrified at the thought of her getting through to me on Mother’s Day, so he probably was in contact with her over the years, but that is all over now.

We got on a plane for Los Angeles this morning. My two-day intensive therapy begins tomorrow. Our flight was uneventful. The triggers were manageable. As far as I know, my husband and the OW never went to LA together. This made things a little easier for me for some reason. I believe him when he says he never brought her to Southern California. He knows people in LA, A LOT of people. Even though it is a huge and very populated city, the chance was greater that he would run into someone he knew and he would be unable to answer for why he was traveling with this older woman… and not me.

We arrived at our hotel and I felt comfort in knowing she had never set foot there with my husband. I still shock myself at how often I think about safe places versus potentially unsafe places in my life. I don’t want to feel unsafe any more. Our room was beautiful and there is just something about perpetual blue sky and palm trees for miles that make me feel better. My husband took me to my favorite restaurant for dinner where we ate the most amazing tuna crudo, rib-eye steak, and chocolate cake with a birthday candle on top. I think I am a chocolate cake addict as I am already plotting devious ways to get back to that restaurant for more chocolate cake.

Possibly the best birthday gift of all, our beachfront property closed this afternoon. We are now the proud owners of ocean front property. Would I give it up in a second to have my husband’s marital fidelity back? Why yes, yes I would. But I can’t, so I will take the beach house.

As the Rolling Stones can attest to:

 You can’t always get what you want

But if you try sometimes you just might find

You just might find

You get what you need

Apparently, a beach house is what I need right now.

2 thoughts on “You can’t always get what you want…

  1. It is so disappointing when you can get what you want. I want a cure for my PTSD. It is not happening but I do have a life of both bliss and pain. I guess this is what I need. IT gives me reason to choose life everyday. Hope your intensive weekend went well. Good luck with the beach house. May it be a healing place for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have had a chance to read a few of your entries lately. I cannot imagine having suffered from PTSD for so long, but my sister would certainly be right there with you. I can feel the symptoms fading with time. The source of the trauma must surely relate to the length of the suffering. My sister has had so many trauma episodes in her life, starting when she was just a toddler, it just doesn’t seem fair, but she also has both bliss and pain. She is also easier to please than I am, maybe partially because she has dealt with the PTSD so much longer than I. I enjoy reading your blog and your journey.


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