It’s not love. It’s safety I seek

Journal Entry: January 18, 2015

My husband loves me. I know he does. I know he always has. That is not what scares me.

On our last day in Tokyo, we had afternoon tea with GQ, his wife, and the little ray of sunshine. Then we walked them to Tokyo Station and said good-bye. We don’t know when we will be back to Japan, but I hope it is soon. As we walked back to our hotel, Blue Eyes suggested we just order room service and eat in the room and pack. We had plenty of time and I thought it might be better if we stopped at a little restaurant and had a more authentic experience on our last night. We had had a great day. Blue Eyes asked if I was up for it. He seemed leery, but I wasn’t quite sure why. I was doing fine…

We found a building across from our hotel that had numerous traditional Japanese options and we picked one. We sat down at the little table. For some strange reason, Blue Eyes struggled with the menu and the ordering. The server just wasn’t connecting with him and he was getting flustered. I helped out as best as I could. My Japanese vocabulary isn’t nearly what his is, but my pronunciation is pretty good, which sometimes helps the situation. It didn’t seem to be a big deal to me, but Blue Eyes seemed off and became increasingly fidgety.

With it being our last night, and having to say good-bye to our sweet niece, I started to get a little melancholy. Transitions have become a lot more difficult for me in the past year. I asked Blue Eyes what was bothering him, if he was having some kind of flashback or something. The whole scene became uncomfortable. I made the mistake of delving back into his time with Camilla. I instinctively felt like he was holding back. It gave me an uneasy feeling. A part of me just does not want to hear any of it anymore, but a part of me feels like if he doesn’t get it out, it is festering inside, eating him alive. I asked him if they had sat in a restaurant like this one, on a night like this one, was that what was bothering him. I have been asking Blue Eyes to be more open and forthcoming with remembering things about his previous secret life, hoping that facing it, and acknowledging how he felt when he was doing what he was doing would help him release it because he still appears to be all bottled up and tense a lot of times. As our food arrived, Blue Eyes started talking. He said he was so sorry for all the things he had done when in his addictive cycle. He couldn’t even believe it was him doing those things. He was so sorry for having brought Camilla into our lives. He was nervous and antsy.

I looked into his eyes and he said these words, “it makes me feel like shit that I poisoned our marriage. I hate the fact that I brought her here to be with me, to hug and hold me… “

and I just stared at him, with my mouth gaping open. My heart seized up and was tight in my chest. He had never said those words before. I mean, yes, he had supposedly put those words in his Craig’s List Ad all those years ago, and she had graciously obliged at providing him with the hugging, kissing, holding, nurturing before ravaging him sexually (blech). She had done all those things he had asked for all those years ago, but then he said it was just sex, and very ritualistic at that. I believe that. We have been over this a dozen times. He had backed off of the whole nurturing deal a long time ago. This woman he was having sex with just is not nurturing, but recently Blue Eyes had been working with his therapist regarding his parents and the neglect in his childhood. Trying to make sense of why he has perpetrated so much evil on our marriage. As a sensible adult, I can understand how the addiction took hold. He was not nurtured, he was abused, and he felt emasculated. In adolescence he figured out how to self sooth with masturbation. He continued the pattern for the rest of his adult life and then it escalated to needing more, needing a secret sex life. Okay, I get it. But he is now equating this horrible, horrible woman with hugging and nurturing, providing him with what he did not get in childhood. NO, NO, NO. The lack of nurturing propelled him into his addiction. This woman was not nurturing or loving. She was a fucking blackmailing whore. Please please please don’t give her any more power than she already has. I have written about this before.

And then, I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t stop my downward spiral, right there in that little Japanese restaurant, sitting at that little table, on those little stools, I fucking checked out. It was too hard. It was too painful. I wasn’t strong enough. I wasn’t prepared. I couldn’t look at him any more. I stared at a poster on the wall.

The next thing I remember, we were back in our hotel room. He was trying to comfort me, but since I had not been able to voice what was bothering me, he actually had no fucking clue. He continued with the same bullshit about needing nurturing. As a wife, this is unacceptable. Sure, medicating yourself with meaningless sex, okay, but saying this woman was taking my place, it hurt me that his brain had conjured that image, and that that was how he was rationalizing what he had done. I did not believe that was the reason he brought her, and if it was, why not walk hand in hand with her down the fucking boardwalk, and kiss her at sunset, and buy her lovely gifts, because she is a fucking goddess providing you with everything that is supposedly missing in your life. If she is so fucking nurturing, why are you not with her asshole? The more he talked the more my heart ached, the more my head hurt, and without even realizing it, I viciously scratched by left arm, the same arm that always gets my wrath. I scratched it over and over and then he screamed, NO, and that jolted me out of my altered state. Although my chest felt much less constricted, I collapsed from the exhaustion. I lay down on the pillow and cried. I told him I could not do this anymore. I told him I cannot stay with someone who thinks the whore who fucked him cowgirl style dozens of times and obsessively stalked me was providing him with the loving and hugging and nurturing that he misses from childhood. If that is the case, I am obsolete. Do the right thing and let me go.

He was horrified by my words and the realization that he had done it again. He had hurt me, and he knew he had made a mistake. He has such a long, long way to go.

Later that evening, as I stared at the wall and he tried unsuccessfully to download “The Interview” with the misguided thought that he could distract me from my pain and get me out of my mood, for the first time I felt the burning in my arm and realized what I had done. I pulled back my sweater sleeve and witnessed the destruction, the bright red welts and dried blood. I was so disappointed in myself, that I let fear take control of me. This is not me. This is not the Kat I want to be.

I was so sad that I had lost control, again.

30 thoughts on “It’s not love. It’s safety I seek

  1. Kat, the triggers and backwards steps are inevitable, but can you plan for a way to endure and manage your way through them, when you are not actively in one, so that when they come you don’t suffer so terribly?

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    • I try, I do try. Sometimes my coping methods don’t work. If I had been able to voice my pain more quickly, it wouldn’t have gotten so bad. He wouldn’t have kept up that same topic regarding using other women to try to fill what was missing in his childhood. Because, of course, I was always here, always more than willing to provide him with anything and everything he needed, but he reached out to others due to his illness, and in the process he left me empty and alone. I’m working on it 🙂 .

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  2. Kat, you brave woman! I hope he understands what triggered you and understands that Camilla was the opposite of nurturing and comforting. And all the time you were there, willing to be that source of comfort if only he had expressed his need.

    Truly, my heart hurts for you.

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    • Thank you. He understands. He needs to learn to understand before he says something so hurtful, he’s working on it. I was there willing to be and being that comfort and if anyone’s needs were being neglected, it was actually me. He gets it now, but he still struggles with living outside himself. His wounds were set when he was just a little boy. It breaks my heart in so many ways. ❤

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  3. I am so sorry you had that experience. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. That sounds so incredibly painful and you handled it far better than most people would. It’s so frustrating how even after we or the people we love begin to get help with our addictions, the past keeps coming back to haunt and hurt us. Please be easy with yourself. You are an incredible and powerful woman and I have a feeling that your are going to come out of this stronger than ever. Congrats on your beautiful new niece!

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    • Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful words.Yes, he is an addict, and he does have a long way to go and it does hurt. I know it hurts him too. It is incredibly difficult to believe that someone who was hurt, would hurt other people. I have learned that he did not know what was going on with him, he didn’t even realize he had been hurt, and he did not mean to hurt me. Realizing just how much he hurt me takes time because it is so overwhelming. I am getting stronger. My niece IS a pretty amazing little beauty. I feel so blessed to have spent some time with her. A beautiful ray of sunshine. 🙂 .

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  4. Kat I’m so sorry that toy trip ended on such a low moment. I’m finding that timing is part of it. I think intelligent men, such as your husband and mine are not emotionally connected to their words, they can articulate that the word “nurture” and “snuggle” as things he was seeking but doesn’t recognize the emotional connection we have with those words. I hope that doesn’t sound like I’m defending him. I’m so not.. Cheaters are and always will be assholes.

    My husband, in all his intelligence gave me the response “I wanted “good” sex” after asking him why he cheated. The words that come out of him mouth sometimes are far more powerful than the intended message.

    Hope you are feeling better .. xo

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    • You are correct, he just does not get the destructive nature of his words. It scares me. He said some pretty damaging things about how he was able to have a sexual relationship with this woman for all those years, her voice, her eyes, her hair, her thighs… and then I saw her and I was like, WTF. I honestly thought he was lying, distracting me from the real women, but no, this horrifying woman is the one. Even my husband cannot believe what he has done, but sometimes, he still reverts back to those ignorant, broken, destructive ways of thinking and feeling, the rationalizing and making excuses, and it is scary. I am feeling a little better for now. He has a long way to go to realize why he really did the things he did and it was not because that woman was giving him what he needed. Hugs.

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      • I am so sorry that this true. I was hoping this was fiction. What an awful thing to have happen. No one deserves that much grief. Sadly, I know expatriate men like him. They are truly disgusting.

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        • This is my partner of 30 years (husband of 25). He was diagnosed a year ago as a sex addict. I do find the things he did in the name of his addiction, disgusting, but I do not find him disgusting. I can understand getting involved with someone like him, as the other woman, without the level of commitment and background as being disgusting. I wish his 8-year affair partner that he broke up with 18 months ago would consider him disgusting and stop stalking me trying to get me out of his life so she can theoretically have him, it is quite the mess. Almost does sound like fiction, but you know what they say, truth IS stranger than fiction. This was an awful thing to have happen to me and I absolutely agree with you, no one deserves this kind of grief!

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          • I truly admire your maturity. I’ll slap that woman for you. I’ve scheduled a takedown of women like her on my blog. Completely unrelated to you. I’d been putting it off for a while but I see now that it is relevant. Too many of them around. One out of every five women. Just icky.

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          • Let me quickly follow up with… One out of five in that country. The value system is different. Also, I know of someone who managed to get impregnated by an expatriate and she used the child to extort him for money when he wouldn’t leave his wife. He has an incurable condition thanks to that. On top of the one he had before: pathological lying

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            • Yes, it is not a pretty sight. I wish you could literally slap that woman for me, but I will follow your blog and wait patiently for the verbal beat down. If you mean one out of five in America, I do think we have an epidemic of bad parenting and depleted values and morals, but as you can see in the blogosphere, many of the bloggers are, and therefore the cheaters, stalkers and abusers are in the UK, Australia, NZ, etc… How abusive are parents and what are they teaching their children when so many are broken and abusive. I did not grow up that way, so find it extremely difficult to stomach. I actually know of a story of a woman who seduced a married guy at work. He was weak and spineless due to things going on with his birth family (also my husband’s problem). Anyway, she told the guy she was on birth control because she never wanted to have kids. Then, she got pregnant on purpose and told the (very religious) married guy that she would ABORT the baby if he didn’t leave his wife (with whom he already has three kids). He never intended to leave his wife for the slutty little fling. The mistress became hysterical and accused him of raping her, then sued him. They are well into $1M in legal fees and child support. The little girl is now 4 years old, and guess what, she has a horrible mother and probably doesn’t stand a chance of being any better. What a mess!

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  5. CK, this must have been absolutely excruciating for you to write. It must hurt like hell that he wanted that horrid woman for nurturing. It’s sick. I’m so sorry it seems the pain just goes on and on. Wishing you some kind of reprieve from it all. SWxo

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    • You know, it does hurt like hell and the thing is… when he was actually confronted with that woman face to face when he wasn’t in his addiction, I did not get any satisfaction from the horrified look on HIS face. When he stared at his own reality, he became physically ill. I asked him if that (she) was what he was picturing when he was doing all his fantasizing and sexting and playing out his sex fantasy, and he said no. He couldn’t even believe it was him doing the things he had done, and he had a fantasy vision of what his AP looked like and who she was. He has spent so many years fantasizing in his secret addiction (porn, etc… ) that living in complete reality is very new and sometimes disturbing to him. I am feeling better. More to post soon…

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  6. Wow Kat. I understand. Although no sex addiction, mine was seeking love and nurturing. He waa getting it from her but he knew it wasn’t sustainable (she was pretending in order to get the same in return) and he coyld feel that. However, THAT is the part that hurts the most. He was that lost little boy whose mother was distracted with depression (I waa focused on my new job and grief over losing the farm and home I loved.) He was gettibg his emotional needs from her. And I was getting none of mine met at all. I have also had one of my worst weeks in a long time, battlibg self harming compulsions. Who even am I now?

    Thank you for posting this. My heartbreak this week alone, has been utterly unbearable.

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    • Paula, no. You have already endured so much. I hope you have gained back some of your amazing strength since you wrote this. I always feel that strength deep in you. You are an inspiration to me. It is so painful that no one was taking care of us while they thought they were getting their emotional needs met, they weren’t. If they truly were, they would be with those other horrible women. It was a delusion, a fantasy, they are broken. This is a temporary bump in the road for us. It is not fair that their weakness has created such a traumatic response, but we are strong enough to come out the other side. My thoughts are with you. Hugs and love. ❤

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  7. I think I was always seeking safety. Still do today. I think it is really important to find that space of safety when you are traumatized. Sometimes it is in dissociation and constriction.
    I feel your deep sadness and I am sorry you have to hold that pain. My heart goes out to you. I know the feeling when you scratch and become disappointed. It is hard for me to break that coping skill as well but I am getting better at it every day. I guess I need to always remember I am worthy of a good life and treating myself in ways that value me. Take Care Janet

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  8. We are here for you, in good times and bad, to celebrate life in all its complexity. Use us as a safe place until he can be one again. Thank you for showing us these things and trusting us to be here. Keep going Kat. Keep regaining control. You succeeded in coming back, bloody but in tact. Even if you don’t feel like it, this is a victory. Better days are coming, and you have earned every one

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      • Haha, some people like my words some people don’t. I considered, for a brief moment, getting a Masters in psychology and moving into counseling or other social work but I became an engineer instead. I could take it or leave it…
        Sometimes life’s complexities are pretty awesome too!

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    • Thank you so much J for your ever comforting words. You are an inspiring and compassionate man, and I appreciate your support of my husband as I do believe he is working his way back to being a safe place for me again. No one promised either of us it would be quick or easy, quite the opposite. Thankfully there are good days now on this incredibly difficult journey. Peace to you.

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