I am on my last day in Salt Lake City without Blue Eyes. I pick him up at the airport tomorrow around lunch time. I have been here since Saturday. It was much more difficult than I could have imagined. Not the seeing my brother and his wife and their little family part. Not the holding a three week old baby boy as much as I want. Not the trying to win over my sweet, but cautious with “strangers,” three year-old niece. Not helping my brother and his family out after his foot surgery. Not any of that. That has all been wonderful. The part that has been so incredibly difficult was coming to the realization that I do not trust Blue Eyes. Being away does not make the heart grow fonder, it makes it ache with pain over everything he has done and it makes me fearful, anxious and scared. My husband had the choice to come with me. I think he thought I didn’t want him to, but I did. I know now, it was too soon for us to be apart for this length of time. I am not sure when the timing will be right, if ever, but I know this was not it.
If I am to believe his calendar and his reports, Blue Eyes has spent the time while I was away mostly going to Buddhist meditation class, 12 step meetings and fellowship, running errands, and working. I have absolutely no reason to believe he was not doing those things, however, it doesn’t matter what he is really doing, because I will never know. This is my reality. For 30 years he has had a secret life, for 15 years he cheated on me. The fallout from that level of betrayal never goes away. I doubt I will ever be able to trust him again.
Sunday night I had numerous nightmares. I woke often and couldn’t get back to sleep. I ruminated about all the past acting out behaviors. I tried distracting myself and nothing worked. It was a bad night. I knew it was that deep fear getting in the way of something I had mastered, sleep. I desperately need my sleep in order to function during the day. I have not been getting enough sleep, or functioning really well, and I feel a cold coming on. It has been a little chilly in Salt Lake City with a few inches of snow and everything. The mountains are gorgeous. I hope I don’t get sick… then I will have to give up holding the baby. 😦
Monday morning, before we headed to the hospital where I would be on baby duty so my sister-in-law could be with my brother before surgery and in recovery, I texted Blue Eyes a picture of me and our new nephew. He did not text me back for 30 minutes. I told him I had had a rough night and that I loved and missed him. Per his schedule, he should have been a couple minutes out of morning fellowship when I originally texted. Fellowship, for those who don’t know, is a time after a 12-step meeting when the addicts get together in a more casual environment to talk freely. There is usually no cross-talk in the actual 12-step meetings. Sometimes they like to be able to share more and talk more and get advice from others, etc… plus, it is just a more casual environment than the meeting. Anyway, fellowship ends at 9:00am. I told Blue Eyes we would soon be walking out the door for the hospital. I could see that he read my message immediately, right after I sent it, but he did not respond. He did not respond for over a half hour, and when he did respond, he said he was in fellowship… as if I do not know his schedule. And if he was able to check messages while “in fellowship” why not a quick response to make me feel better? Why check messages? Would he have responded if it had been someone else. This caused me a lot of pain. At this point, he is supposed to be proving to me that I am the most important thing in his life. I would never ask him to stop going to his meetings or his therapy, that would be ridiculous, he would never recover. However, I politely waited until after his meetings and the fact that he still did not see any reason to text or call me causes me pain. He did not see any reason to comfort me or even communicate with me, this is a trigger for me. I never knew before why he blew me off all the time. Why I always came second after everything else, but now I know. Now I know the reality of what we were both living with and we both agree neither of us wants that life anymore. So, why in the name of fuck, would he not text me back? I waited and waited. In the past, I never had expectations that he would call or text or email me back right away. I frankly rarely counted on him at all. He was so absorbed in his “work.” I am sure the whore did have those expectations and I am sure he did text and call and email her back right away when he was in his cycle… it was part of the deal. It was not part of my deal. I have been his partner for 30 years, I learned to be patient. Our relationship is not based on hysteria, or threats, or blackmail, and I knew nothing of his secret life and his addiction. Now I know about all those things. Now I am broken and I just need my husband to show me he wants to be with me, that he wants to be a legitimate partner, not a fucked up self absorbed asshole.
When he finally did text me back, he did express how cute the photo was of me and the baby, and then he just went on and on about himself. We were unable to connect during the day as I was on baby duty and then he was in meetings. We texted some and he could tell how upset I was about the situation. He could tell how much I was struggling and yet, when we finally did connect by phone later that evening, he did not bring up me, or my pain, or my triggers, or my horrible night’s sleep. He did not try to comfort me or apologize or anything. Again, he went on and on about himself and his meetings and everything else in his life. He is a master at deflection. Unfortunately, when he deflects, my needs aren’t met. After everything I have been through, if my simple needs aren’t being met, if I am not being validated, what’s left?
It was too soon for us to be apart for this length of time. I do not trust my husband and this causes me anxiety. I now sit squarely in a confused place of not knowing if I will ever trust my husband. I know I was scared of this time apart, last week’s posts attest to that, but I really thought some level of trust had been resurrected. Now I know that isn’t the case.