Needing to vent

Warning: this is just a venting post about how pissed off I am about my husband’s cheating and spending time internationally with “the other woman.” Anyone not interested in a spiteful rant, please pass this post by. If you are a betrayed spouse (or anyone else who enjoys spiteful rants) and somehow it gives you some solace to know that there is a woman out here who hates her husband’s ex-whore, read away.

As I sit here in Sweden while Blue Eyes is at the last of his meetings for this trip, I am sleep deprived and lonely and not prepared to wander the streets of Stockholm by myself. Although I am not particularly sad, I am a bit angry. I am still really pissed off that the whore got to spend a week in Sweden with my husband in 2011. I don’t care how much time has passed since they were here. I don’t care what excuses my husband has for acting out and acting the way he did, or how crazy the bitch is that got to travel with him and have sex with him. I don’t even care exactly how little time she got to spend with him or how miserable they both supposedly were. He claims he was miserable and felt shameful and like he didn’t want to live anymore. And she must have felt like shit since he spent only a few hours with her over the course of a week. I don’t give a fuck about the reality of it all. I am furious she got five minutes with my husband. Fuck I want to post a picture of her, but the one picture that is on the internet is just way too good. I mean she still looks like a mean, old, awful bitch, but it was professionally taken (I am assuming) and is more than 10 years old. She has aged very badly and gained a lot of weight. Her straw-like hair is brassy and her skin is pasty and I really do hate that woman, which makes me sad and all the more pissed off as I don’t normally hate anyone. People do not need to bother sending comments about how my husband is culpable and why would I let him off the hook and only focus on the woman. Oh, anyone who reads my blog knows my husband is not off the hook and that I fully blame him and that I have cried over how he took advantage of the women. He deals with me and my trauma shit every day. He is in recovery and his whole life has changed. Even though he swears up and down that he likes it better this way, I have my doubts. Even though it was difficult and stressful to keep his two worlds separate and functioning, I believe he thrived on it when he was in his addicted state. He didn’t know anything but a fucked up addicted life. He fed off the secrets and lies. He got hits all over the place, from grooming women to other more obvious behaviors like obsessive porn viewing and the more he got away with it, the more he thought he would never be caught, but that woman, that evil whore of a woman, she fed him his drug and I really want to be able to tell her off. We haven’t heard from her since the plane flight home from Hawaii, which was over four months ago. It has been over 14 months since the bitch called my mobile phone on dday, 8 months since she stopped obsessively calling my mobile phone, and it has been nearly 20 months since my husband fucked her. I want her to be gone from my life, from my brain, from everything, but so many times when I look at my husband, especially while traveling internationally, I see the two of them together. I do not want to, believe me! I only want to see the loving, caring, dedicated family man and partner that I thought I was looking at all those years.

So here I go again, engaging in an exercise of futility for the most part, but somehow it makes me feel better because I cannot do this for real. I cannot send her the letter. I cannot have a face to face conversation with her. I cannot have the closure I desperately seek. I don’t even care if this crazy woman believes me, I just want to have the chance to say it. Because I can’t do that, mostly because everyone but me fears what her response (most likely retaliation) will be. I don’t want to be sued for harassment. I don’t want to be called the crazy one. I don’t want to be stalked and murdered. I don’t want to be in this mess at all.

The original letter was written in early March, 2014 and is posted somewhere back in October on my blog. I don’t even want to waste my time going back to find it as I just want to rant and be done with it.

A shorter letter to the delusional, hoarding, alcoholic whore who thinks my husband gives a damn about her, take 2:

You have got some serious shit wrong with you. You need to get yourself to a therapist right now. From descriptions of you, our therapists have surmised that you have a personality disorder, potentially borderline personality disorder. I actually think you need to be checked into a mental institution. Anyone who would call and then stalk an innocent wife just because some guy she had sex with decided he didn’t want to do it anymore. Anyone who would blackmail a man into meeting up with her. Anyone who would be physically and emotionally abusive to a man because he was spending time with his family. That person is bat shit crazy at least and potentially evil and dangerous. You met my sex addict husband on a CRAIG’S LIST AD. What the fuck did you think you were getting? The man of your dreams? Didn’t the wife and kids and big house on the other side of town with all the family photos and normal old loving family stuff make you think perhaps this guy is lying to me and I should get the hell out? Yeah, I know you were in my house and it made me want to burn the thing down, but I have spent too much time on that house to let you ruin it. I did a mental fumigation to get rid of your stench. Did you really believe the lies? Did you really believe that he was ever going to spend any of his real life with you… any time that wasn’t spent having dirty, filthy, cheating, ritualistic, nasty sex was spent arguing and fighting about you supposedly having a real relationship with him. After eight years, did you not get the memo. You don’t matter to him. How did you think you were going to fit into his life? You are an old, hoarding, delusional alcoholic who lives in the slums. Are you insane?

I do not want to ever see your evil face again. Do not attempt to contact me in any way. It makes me sick we even live in the same city. Your presence here dirties the whole town. Even after you knew my husband was a sex addict and everything he told you was lies, you still pursued him, and you still pursued me aggressively. You are a crazy bitch. Leave us alone. You never should have had 5 seconds with my husband. If not for his addiction, you never would have. He has admitted that if he saw you on the street (and did not know you because of your whore status in his life) he would not look twice at you. You are nothing to him. He never loved you. He continually lied to you so you would do what he wanted in his addicted state. He used you obsessively. Even I cannot believe that you would spend your own money to go on these trips with him where you got nothing from him but some sex that you no doubt used for blackmail. Once he had you, he wanted to throw you out with the trash, but there you were for the duration of the trip, except of course when you were off drinking at some bar. That is why you felt like shit, because he treated you like shit because you were part of his dark side. You are part of the shame he hates about himself. Back the fuck off and never show your face to us again. You are nothing but a free whore who deluded herself into thinking she had a relationship with a man who is a sex addict and never cared for her.

Oh, and regarding the lies:
He didn’t love you, he never loved you, he didn’t even like you
He called you “red” as a nickname because he thought your hair was actually red and he had no interest in calling you by your real name because he didn’t want to validate the relationship at all by admitting you were a real person and not just an elaborate masturbation tool.
We have sex all the time and our marriage is real and we have no problems and I do love him and I do kiss him and I do desire him… you didn’t actually believe any of that crap, did you?
I never knew anything about you being my husband’s whore… I never even suspected, especially after I saw your picture. Even now I find it incredibly difficult to believe. I can only assume you thought I knew as that was your lead in on your strange (and potentially drunken) phone call to me.
He was never ever going to have a real relationship with you, so you can stop all the delusional stalking and creepy behavior. Even if I was dead, he would not have a relationship with you. You never meant anything to him. Part of his recovery is learning to believe in himself. If something did “happen” to me, my husband knows he can do a whole lot better than you, way better, loads better. You are not even real to him.

Signed,
Kat

So that’s it. I feel somewhat better now. Time to get some rest so we can explore Stockholm for the next two days… I am thinking boat tour of the archipelago, walking around Gamla Stan, visiting Djurgarden, eating some meatballs…

Next post, Paris!

25 thoughts on “Needing to vent

  1. I’ve finally made it through your blog and I thank you for your honesty and openness. One of the most poignant posts for me is where you question if he had been caught after his first affair, would he have been diagnosed as a sex addict. I think there is always this lingering doubt in my mind. No, he didn’t watch porn and masterbate for hours, but he did look forward to each trip, knowing he would be able to satisfy himself and be able to drink as much as he wanted. After years of this, a woman finally reached out and let him know she wanted him. I think he thought since he wasn’t attracted to her physically, nothing would ever happen. Took her nine months, but, of course, it did. It has been over three years, and he has become a much better partner, friend and lover, but there is this nagging doubt that the therapist is wrong and really does have an addiction. Is there something we haven’t addressed? – one of my biggest fears. My husband does feel he was headed in that direction, but is certain he is fine. I will share that thankfully PTSD episodes have really decreased. I’ve continued to work on being as healthy as I can, and life is better. I wish this for you as well. Oh, and buy a Vitamix. They are great and my morning green smoothies are fantastic!

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    • Wow. Thanks for following and for reading all the posts. I hardly even remember what I wrote all those months ago in my early journaling. Hopefully I am making progress too? The trips are difficult for me, but I will eventually conquer them. I am happy to hear your PTSD episodes have decreased. Mine have too… I am trying to intersperse healthy related posts and travel posts, etc… in and amongst my trauma posts so people don’t continue to think I am not healing. My husband, on the other hand, has a long way to go!

      I am by no means an expert on anything, but I will say, I don’t think you can be heading toward addiction unless you are very young and still experimenting with what will be the drug of choice in order to drown out the pain. I think either you are an addict (in your brain) or you aren’t… whatever is used as a drug be it alcohol, sex, whatever, just helps them cope when they are in addict mode. If your husband is able to be self aware and doesn’t use any substance for coping with emotions, he doesn’t sound like an addict. Maybe he was just unhappy with himself and instead of dealing with that unhappiness or low self esteem/awareness he did some things he surely wishes he hadn’t. On the other hand, if he had trouble with anger and resentment and childhood wounds and uses alcohol, drugs, or sex with you or others as a coping tool, well then, he may want to look into it more. I think it is really about self awareness. Only he truly knows what is inside. Most of the men my husband has met in his SA meetings were porn addicts first (or only) and then some later escalated to acting out with partners, especially the older guys who never acknowledged their problems, or their porn was really out of control, and they never got caught. Many men lose their jobs due to porn viewing and some are arrested because they download child porn. It is very messy. My husband managed his addiction much of the time and his porn was never out of control in terms of volume or content, but he did use it as a coping tool and he did keep it a secret. I would say he had episodes maybe twice a year where he just couldn’t go without some kind of secret fantasy driven sexual episode. Most of the guys started in adolescence and it stemmed from core childhood wounds (as they call them). I knew my husband had dealt with a lot, I just did not realize he led a secret life and used sex as a coping tool. He never pressured me for sex, but many sex addicts are notoriously shy and take what comes easy sort of regardless of whether they are attracted to the person or not. Sex is just the drug. There is no intended relationship there. Most of the alcoholics I know also started in middle school. It seems to be the point when children realize they cannot cope and they have access to self medication.

      Well, I know a lot of people with a Vitamix, so I should invest in one. Our blender has about had it anyway. When we return home, I do intend to start a Whole30 (for thirty days) eating plan which is a Paleo type eating style. I am interested to see if it is as effective as a lot of people say in terms of fat loss, medication reduction (i.e., healthier numbers), and also allergy relief.

      Thanks again for following and I am so glad to hear that things are looking better for you. We all deserve to be happy and only we truly hold the power to allow ourselves to be happy. I think we all deal with the trauma differently. Also, dealing with a recovering addict is no picnic and sometimes hinders my process, but I try to keep my head in the game.

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      • Thank you for your thoughtful response. I’m so glad you are healing, and I do hope your husband is able to address his issues on a timeline that allows you to stay together. You have worked so hard to help and support him in his recovery. Thankfully I don’t think my husband ever used porn at work, but it was definitely his secret life for many many years. Communicating with me sure seems like a better solution to his problems…

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  2. I read every one of your posts and am amazed at the parallels in our lives. I wish I was able to express them as you do. My husband’s partner (partners) were more discreet. One did have people call me dropping clues to his activities, and the more serious one did have visions of a permanent life with him. She is only 40, never been married, 2 kids by the time she was 18, who were raised by her parents, and I am suspicious if she is here on a green card and needed an American husband. She has continued to hang on, causing a lot of near deal-breakers in my life. At least she is not crazy, but I have fears for my safety for reasons I will not go into here. She wanted my life, my nice home, cars, bank accounts with no clue about what went into us working for 43 years (longer then she has been alive) to obtain. He lied to both of us, but stayed with me. It would not take much for me to be gone, papers are ready to mail. I (we) struggle daily with their bad choices, where does it end. I have terrible dreams and have been having anxiety attacks over this. Have more good days then bad, finally, but it is tough. Reading your blog reinforces that I am normal and need to continue forward in our “road to happiness” that we deserve. Hugs to you sister and wishing you peace.

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    • We are normal, just living in a situation that is so horrifyingly abnormal. Blogging has really helped me get things out, put things into perspective, commiserate with others who understand. That “road to happiness” is bumpy as hell, but I am still calling it worth it. Hugs and peace back ❤ .

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  3. Oh, how I feel your pain. My d-day was last summer. My husband has been diagnosed as a sex addict too. He’s had 1 affair which lasted 3 years. He never planned on leaving me, said he never stopped loving me. She too made threats of telling me if he broke things off. The only time he spent with her was for quick sex. They never went anywhere together or did anything (other than sex) together. That whore has been harrassing/stalking us since d-day. Although we have never responded to her in any way, I would love to tear her a new one! My husband, myself and 2 kids all have orders of protection against her. She has continued to make contact with us, despite the OP. This prolongs the healing process. I believe her husband has since left her. Goes to trial next month, hope she goes to jail!

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    • Ack, I’m sorry you have had to go through this too. My husband had sex with her at her house about 20-25 times over a three year period and then she blackmailed him into letting her go on business trips with him… i.e., you cannot come to my house anymore because I feel like a free whore. If you want to see me, you need to go with me to my timeshare at the coast. My husband said no way. So then, she said then I can go with you on a business trip or… I will call your wife and tell her everything. And that started the continuation of his addictive pattern, her blackmailing, and 11 business trips over a five year period. It is still mind blowing to me. I feel like I am living with a stranger. Having her anywhere near me prolongs the healing process. I hope your stalker goes to jail. Who are these crazy women? We have called the police on this OW for phone calls and showing up on a plane with us, but other than that, we do not want to have to confront her in person. I guess if it escalates, we will have no other choice. Good luck with the trial.

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      • I have been reading your blogs since November and have read each & every one of them. I want to thank you as they have really helped me on this crazy journey.

        I too never expected any of this. We always got along, had a great relationship (married 30 years), didn’t argue much at all. This all came as a huge shock to say the least. We now go to therapy together and he also goes individually.

        They had sex NUMEROUS times over the 3 year period. It took place usually in her car, sometimes his (which we have gotten ride of), a ‘cheap, hourly rate’ motel and OUR home! It was always during the daytime, when I was working. My husband is self employed and can get away easily. She wanted him to do other things with her, ie: take a walk, go to a movie or concert…., but he never did. He was able to set boundaries with her for that sort of stuff. Pisses me off that he didn’t set other boundaries.

        At this point, just my husband will be going to court to face her. I’m thankful of that since, to my knowledge, I have never seen her before. I don ‘t even know what she looks like, other than 1 small facebook picture. She lives only a few miles from my home. I look over my shoulder every day not knowing if she’s around and watching me. I am not ready to face her, probably will never be. She obviously has issues and constantly blames my husband for all this. She can’t even take responsibility for her role in the affair or what she’s doing to us now.

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    • Since I have been posting about health and travel, I have picked up some followers that might not otherwise be interested in my predicament (the reason I started my blog: my husband’s betrayal and subsequent sex addict diagnosis). It is very difficult to understand how the kind of betrayal and trauma and stalking I have endured over the past 14 months have changed me from the strong woman, wife, and mother that I was, into someone who ruminates about horribly painful acts against my trust and my marriage and everything I thought to be true and good. The post traumatic stress can be debilitating, but I am making my way out the other side and as I do, I am enjoying posting about my history with my husband, my health, and our travel adventures. Although I still have bad moments on some days, I have come a long way. I appreciate the support of all my blogger “friends.” After 30+ years, It can now feel quite lonely realizing to a certain degree, I have been living with a stranger.

      I am enjoying reading about Florida (we leave for Miami on 3/28) and your grand baby. So far I am still getting time with little nieces and nephews as I am the oldest in my family. Maybe someday grand babies, but hopefully not soon. My boys (at 23 & 21) need to live a little more life (I think) before they are ready to be Dads. 🙂

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      • Yes, you keep writing as I know it is a comfort to get all of those feelings out. I remember not too long ago being cheated on. Something that brought a 16 year marriage to a holt. It hurt badly and I remember writing all of my feeling down in a journal. Hope you have a great time in Miami.

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  4. Have you ever thought about how your recovery might take a different path if any or all of her characteristics and traits were the opposite of what they are? What if she was attractive, or successful, or lived on the right side of the tracks? Would it change your understanding and path? What if she just disappeared when he ended it? I know you would not have the same kinds of fears of stalking, etc., but I wonder if she was completely disinterested in him but blew up your life simply for “recreation” whether the outcome for you would be different.

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    • Well, B, it is really difficult to know. I have thought about a lot of scenarios. I actually think the one that would have helped me heal most would have been if there had been numerous women. I have said so many times I wish that it was 80 women in 8 years, or prostitutes. I wish I had had to pick him up at the police station versus having her call me. I know that I do not think at all anymore about the other two, but most likely because they were so short term. They were much more conventionally attractive, although quite heavyset. They were not financially successful and they definitely fit a pattern, which he abandoned later to just feed his addiction. I think if she was all the things you describe, in some ways it would be easier, and in some more difficult. I think I would feel more sad for her because I would have to believe that her feelings were desperately hurt in the process, whereas with “Camilla” I think she is so sick that she is caught up in her own sickness/needs/aggressive blackmailing and stalking methods, that she is unable to put anything into perspective enough to feel bad (narcissistic? or just broken). I have asked Blue Eyes numerous times if she ever cried, or showed her vulnerability in that way (other than just being aggressive and violent). He said no, not really. I think this allowed him to carry on for a longer period of time because she was more like his mother showing aggression and emotional and physical abuse towards him versus vulnerability. Blue Eyes is quite sensitive, but he is able to deflect when the person is aggressive. Clearly due to her aggression, she does not believe she had done anything wrong and she just wants to punish me. Whether she thinks I am a bad wife, or she just truly believes she deserves him more than I, or both, I have no idea. If the woman had been attractive and successful, I think I would have felt more in competition with her and the trauma may have affected my own insecurity response harder. I might have compared us more and thought somehow he was trying to replace me. I have pretty decent self esteem and we have built a business together which I helped keep alive during the recession, so I know my worth, but I may have questioned myself more and for a longer period of time. As it is, even the few little things he said about her physically (totally fabricated in his addicted mind) did bother me some, but the trauma is so insidious. I got over it real quick, especially once I saw her. I really normally care a lot about people, their feelings, their needs, their emotions. She has put me in a very awkward and vulnerable position. I know if she was different and hadn’t been abusive and manipulative and had walked away, I would not feel the anger. I would still be upset she called me, but I would understand. I would never do any of the things she did, so it would be difficult, but I can usually put things into perspective. I think if she had been like the woman you describe and I was here in Sweden, where she had been for a week with my husband, I would be sadder versus angry. I am not sure the relationship would have worked with my husband though as he was not looking to replace me, especially not with someone like me… he was looking for a fix and his drug needed to be dirty and not just secret. He had devolved to that point. That is what worked for him. She just has no idea that that was what she was to him or she doesn’t believe it. I am sure it is difficult to be self aware when you are doing what she was doing. Manipulation and control are not characteristics that tend to reel a man in to a long term relationship. I am pretty shocked that she is so delusional about what she had. That is how I know she is really sick. I think it would be really difficult for any woman to just walk away from an eight year relationship, so not sure that scenario would really apply, but I could dream!

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  5. Your husband’s AP sounds absolutely nasty, and I don’t doubt that your husband is as ashamed of her as he is his actions. I agree that its not a good idea to confront her, because she sounds unstable and I’d worry for your safety. But do what I do, and have found to help a little: when you’re working out, picture her. Let the anger and hatred fuel your workout. Exercise away that anger and any energy you’re spending thinking of her. I think it will help — for a little while at least and then you do it again the next day, and the next day.

    Do not believe even for one second that the sick woman thinks she is any way shape or form superior to you, she’s not and she knows it. That’s why it took her so long to let go — she wants your life Kat. And she can’t have it.

    Live your life well.

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    • I have actually done that with the exercise, that and some angry music another blogger recommended. It works! Thanks. And yes, the woman is nasty. I still cannot believe he had sex with her. It really does blow my mind. Definitely one of the aspects of this whole thing that helped me realize how much of an addict he really is. When he saw her on the plane, sober, he was physically sick and had to go to the restroom to collect himself. The addiction is no joke, but it just does not make the lying and betrayal any easier on me. That and the fact that he lied about me and our marriage. We actually never struggled in our marriage. He has always struggled with his narcissistic abusive parents, but I still cannot believe he cheated. I think you are correct. She wanted my life with my husband. I am trying really hard to live my life well while staying with my husband. He wants nothing more than to be with me. He never wanted to be with anyone else. It sucks!

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  6. Kat, I’m so glad I’m not the only one who occasionally needs to rant on paper. Anymore, I just feel pissed off and resentful, so I know exactly where you’re coming from an I feel your pain. I hope you got some release from it, even for a little while. I know it helps to let some steam out of the kettle every now and then. Hugs and hurrahs!

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    • Thanks for the support. I am actually not the angriest person in the world, but sometimes I just need to vent. Honestly, I wish the woman were dead, or at the very least I wish she moved away but she is never going to move away… we were both born and raised in the same town. We would move, but we have a whole business with employees that count on us. I just have to deal with it, but sometimes I just want to scream. Hugs back!

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      • As much as it hurts – and I’m sorry for you for that and know it all too well – it’s good that you and Mr. Blue Eyes are travelling together to those places and reclaim them as yours, overwrite that history. The next time you visit that country you know you were with him the last time he was there. Hopefully that will dim the memories.

        Our CSAT explained that Mr. Green Eyes felt so unworthy he had to act out with lower than low (from under the bottom of the barrel perhaps) to feel good about himself and superior. Sad but seems too be a prevalent theme with addicts. Having said that I have to remind myself of the same daily.

        Hugs.

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        • Also, as confident as they seem, they are really dealing with their low self esteem and they want a sure thing. My husband’s first two AP’s were quite heavy. I asked him if he was actually attracted to heavier women (other than usual larger breast size) or if perhaps he just felt like he had a better chance with them and he said he really didn’t know, which sort of answered the question for me. Yeah, it doesn’t necessarily make it easier to stomach, just because some of it seems to make sense. Hugs back.

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        • Oh, and you are correct. Reclaiming the cities/countries they visited has been liberating. I had been to basically all the locations they visited before she was with him except Chicago and Gothenburg, Sweden (we had been to Sweden before just not Gothenburg). I have no interest in or reason to go to Gothenburg. I had really wanted to go back in 2011, but c’est la vie, I can’t rewrite history.

          Tokyo/Kyoto Japan – Check
          Seattle – Check
          Silicon Valley – Check
          Chicago – Check
          New York City – Check
          Sweden – Check

          The only cities I have not been to since he was there with the OW are Copenhagen and Helsinki. I think I am okay with that since we had wonderful vacations there with our family and nothing can ruin that for me! I have no plans to visit those locations anytime soon. 🙂

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