I can see the crash, but I cannot stop the train

I want to be this really strong and independent woman again, like I was before dday. But, I can now see that it is going to take more time than I had expected. One of the main reasons I did not travel with my husband on business over the years is because I do not really love being alone in hotel rooms around the world, and sightseeing alone, and spending meals alone. Sure, I can wander through a museum and appreciate the art by myself. I can sip a delicious cup of chocolat chaud (hot chocolate) at a Paris cafe and people watch, alone. I can stroll the streets of a foreign city and window shop or really shop (I am not an avid shopper, but I can lay down a pretty penny in a short period of time when in the mood), all by myself, but the truth is, I prefer being with someone. I am a talker, a communicator, a conversationalist. My favorite friends talk through movies, get my sense of humor, and put up with my constant yammering. I really enjoy the company of others when I am traveling.

At home I enjoy peace and quiet and could go days without feeling lonely, but when I travel, I want a companion. I have traveled with friends, family, my husband and children on vacation, and sometimes with Blue Eyes on business trips. I know I have mentioned this before, but when Blue Eyes traveled for business in the past, it was not really fun. Over the years, I think I was almost relieved to have my boys at home. They needed me. I had a life, It made more sense for me to be at home. Blue Eyes seemed to love traveling for business. He often had sales guys with him and they would do fun things in and amongst their meetings. Blue Eyes has friends everywhere. Especially in Japan where Blue Eyes lived and he knows where to go and he for the most part speaks the language and understands the culture. His sex addiction was always with him in the form of porn and masturbation and he would often have sleepless nights where he gave in to the addiction for hours, but no one knew and somehow he survived it all. He often came home sick and exhausted, but I figured it was a byproduct of his workaholism.

Last year we made a pact. I would travel with Blue Eyes for business for the foreseeable future. This way he would hopefully not suffer the separation anxiety and bitter loneliness of the past and I would feel less alone. The triggers are excruciating to me when I accompany him on business trips (for obvious reasons) but just like everything else, it is getting easier. Since dday, being away from Blue Eyes has caused me some anxiety as well, so there is no good solution at this point. I know time will heal some of those wounds, but we are not there yet. The pact included a rethinking of how Blue Eyes schedules business trips. Our company is doing well. We can travel much more comfortably than he did in the past. We can fly first class. We can stay in lovely hotels. My main criteria, however, is that he has a maximum two meetings a day and that we schedule in days (especially in cities like PARIS) where he has no meetings so we can enjoy the city and enjoy ourselves, together.

Well, for this Europe trip, my rules were still in place, however, Blue Eyes turned over the meeting scheduling to one of his sales guys and neglected to inform him of the rules so the sales guy went about scheduling meetings like the old Blue Eyes used to. All of a sudden, we were not just flying to Paris, but we were also flying to Amsterdam and Stockholm bookending the trip (and Paris) thus eliminating any free days for sightseeing as a couple in France. This broke the rules and actually made me quite sad, and angry. But, what was done was done. I decided to schedule our together time in Stockholm and then add on New York City at the end where we will visit our son. Now that we are in Paris, however, I am sad. I want time with Blue Eyes. Not to mention, every day he has AT LEAST two meetings and one day, THREE! Dinners were scheduled after morning and afternoon meetings. This was not the deal. I no longer buy into the “business comes first” motto. I got screwed over by that, for years. In order for Blue Eyes to be able to handle business trips with up to four and five meetings a day, he took a whore with him to feed his addiction. A whore who sat around in the hotel room waiting, or wandering the streets stalking Blue Eyes and taking pictures of him because she couldn’t be with him. I am not a whore (please don’t picture me as Richard Nixon, with jowls a wagging—somehow that is what I pictured???). I do not want to just sit around and wait for my husband to get back to the hotel room, have sex, then start the whole thing over again the next morning at 7:00am. I don’t want to eat meals by myself and sightsee by myself in Paris. I want “us” time. I want the time I was promised when I agreed to go on these shitty business trips after finding out my husband had been cheating for 15 years and is a fucking sex addict.

When Blue Eyes got back to the hotel room on his first day of business meetings in Paris, I lost it. It was a train wreck. I told him I can’t do it. I can’t sit here like the whore. Sure, our room is a whole lot nicer than any room she ever shared with him, but who the fuck cares. Sure, I am getting more of his time and I am not bribing him with sex to get it. Frankly, he is not relying on his addiction to get him through and that is fantastic, but I want more. I want him to keep his promises. I want him to follow through. I cried, again, blech. I blubbered like a spoiled little girl. I thought I was through with this. I thought I had moved past what appears to be temper tantrums on my part. They come from sheer unhappiness. Doesn’t he want me to be happy? He says he does. He also says things like, “I will just have the sales guy go to all the meetings and I will be with you.” Well, fuck me, that is not the solution either. It’s the all or nothing game with him. I’m pretty sure our next business trip together will be different. He needs to start learning from his mistakes, and never making them again.

6 thoughts on “I can see the crash, but I cannot stop the train

  1. Bloody train wrecks! I fuckng hate watching them, too. But worse when you’re in the fuckers! Much love Kat. I get it. I am sick of the fucking tears, too – yeah, much fewer, but HATE crying “like a girl!”

    Liked by 1 person

    • I certainly could go to the meetings as I am the COO of our company, but I also have work to do and those meetings are so boring and I don’t need to be wasting my time watching the sales guys. Blue Eyes and I just spent the afternoon together and it was wonderful. He agreed that we need to set aside days not hours when we are in a place like Paris. Also, jet lag has been a bear for both of us and sucks up the hours… awake at 2:00am, living on 4 hours sleep, trying to grab an hour nap between meetings just to function. We’ll figure it out, but in the meantime, like everything else, it’s a trigger. He is at a dinner meeting right now and asked if I wanted to join them. I opted out so I could pack and blog 🙂 .

      Liked by 1 person

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