Ack. Why are Sundays so difficult for me? Maybe it is because I dread getting back into the weekly routine and I know Monday is right around the corner. Maybe I just hate the fact that we never get enough sleep because Blue Eyes’ has a 12-step meeting at 7:00am on Monday mornings and he gets up at 6:00, and we never get to bed before midnight, which adds to the daunting task of facing a whole new week. The last two nights I have fallen asleep before 10:30pm, I hope that will continue tonight. Still not sure if it is the Whole30, or jet lag. I have tried so many nightly routines to help get myself to sleep earlier, and to get to sleep consistently at the same time each night, but the routines don’t always work. My doc does not like to prescribe sleeping pills. She says even when they say they are not addictive, they can hinder sleep on the nights you don’t take them, she considers that a bad side effect, and she doesn’t think they should be taken every night. She says I just need to go to bed every night at the same time and get up every morning at the same time, regardless of whether I need to get up, or not. If I get up at 6:00am on the weekdays, I should get up at 6:00am on the weekends too (which actually makes me want to get up at 9:00am on the weekdays…). That creates a consistency and a sleep rhythm that our bodies thrive on. Also, no electronics for at least an hour before bedtime, and the bed is for sleeping (and sex). I have not been successful at changing my habits. Sleep is one of those things that I desperately need a lot of. I need to try to do better, for my own sanity!
This morning when we woke up, I wasn’t in a great mood. Blue Eyes wanted to be intimate, because Blue Eyes always wants to be intimate. He knows I am basically a morning person. It’s not that I don’t like having sex every day, on principle, or all throughout the day, I do. In reality though, sometimes I just don’t feel like it. This morning was one of those mornings. I had had a nightmare and a rough night’s sleep and I wanted to get up and get on with the day. I knew I needed to eat, but instead we started talking and it was not a pleasant or helpful conversation other than the fact that I am beginning to realize (and I have written about this in the past), that I am the one that needs to change my way of thinking. Blue Eyes is who he is. He is not acting out. He is working his recovery (ever so slowly). He cannot take away any of the things he did. Most likely he cannot change who he is deep down. He is broken. He can work on making better choices, but he will never truly understand the pain he has put me through because he was (is) self-absorbed. He may not be a diagnosed narcissist, but he is completely self involved. The decisions he made throughout the past 30 years, were selfish ones. The choices he made while in his addiction were driven by his own selfish needs/wants/desires. He wanted his drug and he gave in to his addiction and led a secret destructive life, because that is what he chose to do. He did not think about the consequences to me and his children. He thought about himself. He blocked us out. He rationalized. I told him that for me, the most destructive of all the decisions he made, was to lie about me to another woman. He didn’t really have to lie. He could have avoided her questions, or if he thought avoiding would end a relationship he did not want to end, he could have told the truth… he could have told her he desired secret sexual liaisons and he didn’t know why. But instead, he told her that I was a bad wife and that she fulfilled his needs. He felt like telling her that she was effectively replacing me in some way was the right thing to do under the circumstances because it met her needs, which in turn met his, and that is hateful. How can a person flat out lie about another person that they have promised their life to? Especially when the person they are lying about has done nothing wrong. It doesn’t make any sense, because it is not right.
So, I laid some things out on the table, some things I needed Blue Eyes to know. I told him I have always known that if something happened to me, or if we divorced, his family would not care . They would never need or have the desire to speak with me again. They don’t like me, they never have. But more than anything, I don’t think they have the capacity to truly love me or anyone else. I fear they raised their children to be like them and that Blue Eyes is unable to truly love at a deeper level. I am being a bit selfish here, actually. What I mean is, I do not believe Blue Eyes, or anyone in his family has the ability to love me or anyone else in the way I love people, in the way I was nurtured to be loving, and the way I expected to be loved. My love is not conditional. My love is honest and I would not lie about him to anyone in order to get something I wanted, no matter what that something is. But I am not an addict.
I am now at the point where if I want to stay with Blue Eyes (and I do ask myself this question–not as often as I used to, but still often), I have to abandon my way of thinking. I have to abandon my definition of marriage, of how life partners should behave, of what love looks like. Blue Eyes will never be able to take back or make up for what he has done, basically for who he is. I have been lied to. I was promised my version of happiness, marriage, partnership, and love, but what I got was Blue Eyes’ version. I was duped. I will never be able to have my version of all those things with him, he has made sure of that. If my definition of marriage is trust and love and fidelity, I can now only hope to get some form of trust back towards Blue Eyes. I can now only hope that Blue Eyes has some capacity to love me that is somehow better than the broken and shattered love he has pretended in the past. I can only hope that Blue Eyes can now remain faithful, because nightmares of his infidelity haunt me nearly every night, and every day. I am pretty certain that I will never have a day, for the rest of my life, that I do not think about how deeply I was lied to by the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with.
For all the people who have asked if Blue Eyes has the capacity to feel real emotion, or to love deeply, or to be truly faithful, I fucking don’t know. But the truth is, I have to be able to keep living, and keep loving, and be happy whether he does, or whether he doesn’t. I am still figuring out what my new life looks like and it is difficult. I want something I will never be able to have. I want the love, honestly, and integrity of my marriage back and knowing I cannot have it, leaves a big huge aching hole in my heart.