I am thankful…

thankful

I am thankful for this blog.

I am thankful for the fact that writing out my emotions helps me deal with them.

I am thankful for the friends I have met through this blog. Those that I cannot touch or see, but that come here for me, and make me feel less alone.

I am thankful for the friends I have made through this blog. Those that I have met in real time, and those that I have touched and hugged and laughed with and cried with.

I am thankful for the means and the desire to travel. Travel has brought me closer to friends, new and old, family, history, and the knowledge that each and every one of us is part of a world community. I am but a speck, but that doesn’t make me feel small. Travel also provides me with countless memories to hold in my head and my heart and to bring to the surface when I am feeling sad or alone, or when I just want to feel that happy glow of remembering a special moment in time. I take lots and lots of photos for this purpose.

I am thankful that I have the ability to forgive, truly forgive, unconditionally. I never realized how powerful this gift is until recently. Forgiveness is not about minimizing the offense, or even about the person who wronged me. It is about releasing any resentment, vengeance, or anger from my life. Freeing myself from those bitter emotions. I learned how to do this when I was very young. I had just never had to dig so deep, before, or work so hard at forgiving.

I am thankful that I have the ability and desire to see the good in people and to understand their pain. My sister taught me this. I am forever grateful to her.

I am thankful for every day that I have with my husband. I am thankful for my beautiful children and my loving parents. I am thankful for my sisters and brothers and their partners and all my lovely nieces and nephews. I am grateful to have such a wonderful (and big) family.

So, what prompted this post? I actually sat down to write a post about the amazing time I shared with a fellow blogger in New Orleans over Memorial Day, but instead I wrote this post. It was prompted by reading blog entries of betrayed spouses and hearing in their words a kind of torment that I remember so vividly. I cannot take away anyone else’s pain or suffering. I know that. What I can do, however,  is remember always, who I am and what I have learned on this journey so far and that is that I am responsible for my own happiness. I make it so. My conscious desires for peace and joy can master those nasty subconscious thoughts that want to weasel their way into my happy reality. Time, forgiveness, and an open mind have given me the greatest gift of all: healing.

 

22 thoughts on “I am thankful…

  1. You know, I always thought that phrase, “forgiveness is the gift you give yourself” so stupid and cliche. But I now understand it. Forgiveness is a ought lightening your own load and allowing yourself the freedom to be happy despite any injustice.

    I hope you always have loads to be thankful for. A greatful heart has the power to attract so much ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so thankful for you and this community of heartbroken bloggers, who simply refuse to remain heartbroken. I treasure the understanding and empathy and most of all the hope you and so many others provide!

    You all say over and over again- it’s the hardest, most painful thing you will walk through, but you will make it through and you show us that it’s worth it!

    I hope you realize as you work on fixing your own broken heart by sharing you journey, you also become a part in helping our heart heal as well!

    Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Kaye, for being so eloquent in your words and so kind. I did not realize when I started this blog that it would be this way. I just thought I would write out my pain and hopefully release some of it out into cyberspace. I never knew it would become this important to me. To be able to share. To not feel so alone, and to really evaluate with words how I felt, day after day. It provided a deeper self awareness than I had previously experienced and a wonderful place to meet friends who truly get me. xx

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    • Well, I think with you I would not be talking about forgiveness for your ex and the OW. You don’t want those people in your life. I never even contemplated forgiveness for the OW. I couldn’t care less about her. I am talking about forgiveness in your heart for say, your older daughters. Letting go of anger and bitterness is very healing. I know you are not that person. You are hurting. I feel for you. We all do! ❤

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      • I don’t think (with my older daughters) it’s as much about forgiveness as it is acceptance. Acceptance that they chose Loser and that WTC over me….after I was the one who was always there for them and he……he either wasn’t there or he was verbally bashing them….go figure.

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  3. Lovely Kat. I am thankful (!) for you being here and sharing your journey with us, because you walk ahead of us by a good many steps. Where we are, in the most tormenting times, it is huge to see a glimmer of hope – and the illuminated message: “I am responsible for my own happiness”. Thank you

    Liked by 1 person

    • When I was back there, I was so desperate to find someone who was ahead of me. I spoke with wives in my husband’s group… YIKES! I learned that even with similarities winding their way through, my husband and my life and my marriage are unique. We have to be able to look at some of this with an objective eye and then some of it will just come from our hearts.

      I find solace here on many days just writing my own story and then surprisingly seeing my story match up with others. Sad, but grateful for the friendships. I know you are young and your baby girl is so little and you have so much to think about. I wish so much happiness for your future. Sometimes I don’t comment, but I read. xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you Kat – I can feel your support, even when you don’t comment (although I do love receiving your comments and wisdom and experience). I agree – we are all unique, our stories are all different, yet at the same time we are all just part of a statistics (that sadly doesn’t even exist – yet). I, too, crave to find people, stories who are ahead of me – not because I think my path will be exactly like theirs, but because I think I can learn from how they went about it, and yeah, I can see the options that lay ahead. I know my road is different, but, hey, not that different after all. It is all a massive growth opportunity for all involved, at least that’s how I came to look at it now, being in a better stretch. Hugs to you – btw I love the New Orleans read! It is awesome you two connected in real life and had so much fun on a trip. Hugs!

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        • I read your last post and although me and BE are just in year three, there are wives of guys in his group that are much further along. Stories where the SA is more than 10 years sober and still working the recovery path, wives who are happy they stayed, and marriages that are solid, as solid as marriage is. There are also many failure stories. The thing about being married to an SA and being thrown into this level of disclosure is that it is just frankly different than other marriages. There is more baggage, but there can also be a deeper level of honesty if both partners really want it. If you would like me to email you with their stories, I can. None of these people know about my blog (and I don’t really want them to as some of their stories are actually on my blog with my own bias thrown in, as is always the case when someone is telling someone else’s story second hand) so I don’t think it would be possible to contact them directly about this. We do know their stories intimately, however, as BE has been in group with the SAs for more than two years and is now friends with a few of them (they meet up outside 12 step/fellowship, go to sporting events, etc…) and I have spoken with a few of the wives in person and over the phone. I am going to email you with my thoughts. You know I could write forever and not feel like I have gotten everything out of me. I know we all have the option of staying or going, and I know it is not an easy choice. I totally appreciate that you want as much information as you can gather while you tackle this part of the journey.

          And yeah, New Orleans was really great! Many hugs back!

          Liked by 1 person

  4. This is so true Kat! It is one of the hardest things to do…forgive…but one of the most freeing! And, for me, it is an ongoing process. I am continually striving to forgive…actions, omissions, trespasses against me, Will…myself. I like to think that I grow and mature a little each time I release something and forgive it. I give it over and surrender and my nburden is lightened. Thank you for this beautiful post! There is so much we truly do have to be thankful for….I am certainly thankful for you dear friend! ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think we do grow each time we release some of the burden, those fears and preconceived notions of how things were supposed to be. How people were supposed to behave. Their actions are not a reflection on us. Those feelings hold us back. It is so nice to at least know, we truly are not alone in this process. And regardless of what happens with “them,” we have learned so much… so much about ourselves. So much about life. I do sincerely treasure these friendships. xx

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    • Thanks for visiting. We all need little reminders sometimes. My reminders usually happen when I read about how others suffer and I want to try and take away some of the pain and then I remember, I need to take care of me. ❤

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