“The most important thing is integrity”

sunset

Nearing sunset at the coast on our 27th wedding anniversary

If you don’t want anyone to find out, don’t do it.

Sometimes I run across new and informative articles on sex addiction, hopefully as unbiased and with the least amount of judgment and hate as possible. The Fix is a great resource for articles written by and about real people dealing with addiction and recovery. I was first introduced to The Fix when a friend’s daughter started penning for the online publication. She is an accomplished writer with a compelling story to tell of her bouts with eating disorders and addiction, intertwined with stories of her childhood growing up with addict parents.

In this particular article, the author is interviewing Robert Weiss, the founder of The Sexual Recovery Institute.

Although people who make money off of trying to help other people often get a bad rap, I believe that having been in a position of being diagnosed with a particular illness or addiction (in this case a controversial one) gives the person a unique advantage in helping others, especially if this person has truly and wholly recovered and helped themselves first. With sex addiction, it starts with a belief in the actual addiction. Belief that you have a problem and that there is a solution is crucial to healing.

In the end, sexual addiction is more difficult to define and potentially more difficult to recover from, certainly more difficult to gather statistics on, than alcohol or drug addiction because each addict must define his own list of rules and decide what is and what is not a break in sobriety, over time.

“The important thing to remember is keeping your integrity. Gained integrity is more important than sobriety.”

Article: A Way Out of Sex Addiction

Blue Eyes was always very sexual. He has an extremely high level of testosterone and sex drive. I think in his mind, no amount of sex was ever enough. He was never not able to perform. But that is not what makes him a sex addict. Having a lot of sex is not what makes a person an addict. What makes Blue Eyes a sex addict is the lies he told to get the sex he had in secret and how much he hated himself, felt shame, but kept doing it, regardless of the consequences. He never wanted to break up his marriage, or lead other women on, or break all his promises to me, or put my life in danger, but he did. That is how I know he was living with absolutely no integrity.

Sex addiction is an integrity disorder.

 

14 thoughts on ““The most important thing is integrity”

  1. I will start by saying I was a very trusting and naive person BUT I’ve been educated unfortunately by my husband…it scares me to think how jaded i can be at times with people and situations! My anger can surface at something as stupid as a Tweet by Trump lol I’m Canadian! I was never a hateful person and now I feel such hatred….I am getting therapy for these new feelings I am trying to figure out!
    But that’s not why I am commenting…I really really need some wisdom from others who are going thru this suffering…..
    I have the data from our Disclosure in front of me at all times right now (I’m working on that), after 34 years of marriage…I’m looking at the reality….34 years of marriage, 3 amazing kids, 30 years of teaching, parents still alive and in love aged 85 and 94 etc etc and then…..
    My loving husband and partner….100-200 prostitues, acting out in 20 cities, acting out for 11 years, in our home city and in the fancy hotel where we have had most family events…etc. etc. etc. etc.
    Question….a year and a half after finding this out, him in Recovery for a year, me still feeling like I need to point out when his behaviours devastate me in terms of movies, books, sports, and the sexualization of our existence….How am I going to know if I should stay in this marriage? I feel like I’m waiting for another big slip and then it’s over…I don’t feel like I’m in a healthy recovery space with my addict husband and I’m worried I will never forgive and forget! I just don’t know if I can ever let go of the gas lighting and the manipulation of me…..he led a secret life and now my reality and my memories always seem to connect to what I learned in Disclosure….now I now what he was doing as I thought we were loving and living life together! It is so disturbing and I need to find some resolution to this…
    Thanks Gals Xx

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    • Despite all the therapy and the knowledge of what sex addiction is, what it means, where it comes from and the implications of it on the most important relationship of our life so far, the only thing that really helped me was time. Time for me to metabolize what he had done and for me to truly know in my heart that he was a sick person all along and his hiding it is not a reflection on me. He did bad things, but my strength and self esteem are not built on what anyone else does. Do I want him to treat me well, and lovingly, and honestly? Yes, of course I do. Now that the secrets have been revealed, him being honest and having integrity are tantamount to our relationship, however, not required for me to love myself and take care of myself. The truth is to me, I was giving as much love as I had and the life we lived together was real and true and also produced amazing children and wonderful memories and a successful business. I cannot control what my husband does or says or that he kept secrets from me. I am now grateful that he is finding the help he needs to be the person he wants to be. I can stay with a person who is doing better and wants to be a truthful and faithful person. Anything else, and I am packing my bags, for me. But all this took a lot of time. I suffered as you have and are suffering for many months, the better part of two years+ I questioned almost daily whether I could stay. I felt beat down, humiliated, raw with pain. The wounds ran deep. In time I realized I do indeed have control over my own life and my own happiness. My life is certainly not exactly how I thought it was, but it was and is still something I am proud of. Use your instincts. You hold the key. Many many many hugs to you… ❤

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  2. One thing the Loser puppet wrote to a friend of mine about me was “there is nobody whose integrity I admire more than hers. Too bad it didn’t help me out as far as his LACK of integrity.
    If you don’t have integrity….you have nothing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I agree. Honesty, decency, sincerity, basically being a good person. What else is there? I wonder if Loser would consider himself a man of integrity? And if not, how does he explain it away?

      I guess the only thing that keeps BE going is the fact that he knew he lacked integrity, but he desperately wanted to have it. He fights for it now, so that works for me. So far. Today. Who knows about tomorrow. I can only deal with today right now. 🙂 xx

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      • I’m sure the Loser puppet thinks he and that WTC have integrity….they excused their behavior with situational ethics. If they think they have integrity….what difference does it make? If they cared about integrity…they wouldn’t both be trash.
        The fact that BE recognized his lack of integrity is a HUGE step. It’s impossible to rectify or heal something that you refuse to admit exists.
        And you’re right. You can only deal with today….we never know what tomorrow holds. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        • Some people are quite delusional, no? I think even more so than BE’s 12 step group, where possibly the greatest aspect of that is that he doesn’t feel so desperately alone in his brokenness and the guys are there to remind him that he is human and they understand… is the value of BE’s buddhist group. If we really pay attention, buddhism teaches us to look at ourselves and how our actions affect the world around us, but being honest with ourselves is critical. I think there are many people who will never ever be able to look at themselves with a critical eye and therefore they just keep hurting people in pursuit of their own wants. It makes for a pretty messed up world. ❤

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          • When your needs are being satisfied…whether by a wife or a tramp…you tend to…well…be satisfied and be oblivious to anybody elses’ feelings….at least that’s how the Loser and his WTC operate.
            I have a friend whose sister is Buddhist. I might should check into it….although, I will say…I lost my religion years ago. Sigh.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Everyone has their own path to peace. Blue Eyes is Jewish, but was never religious. He lost his spirituality years ago when he was riddled with illness and kept asking God, why him? As part of the 12 step, they encourage a spirituality element, could be anything, definitely does not need to be religious. I have never ever been religious although my family is riddled with different Christian religions and I converted to Judaism years ago. I don’t attend any church or synagogue, but I respect its place in other people’s lives. I don’t go to the Buddhist meditation meetings, but I have watched BE embrace it. The main components are really about grounding yourself, being kind to yourself, to others, and to the environment. At least that is what I see. It’s about owning our behaviors and not passing on the responsibility for our actions to anyone or anything else. Mostly it brings him peace and he finds solace there in a little old wood house on the other side of town. Most of the people in his group are 10-20 years older than him. It’s the one place he goes where he is surrounded by women and it doesn’t bother me, at all.

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              • I’ve never been one to think you have to have a formal religion. I was raised Southern Baptist but I’m about as far from a “rule abiding Baptist” as you can get. I like knowing about other religions.
                The only problem I have is with people who profess to be such fine Christians…and they’re the first ones to fuck you over.
                I chuckled at the last sentence. 🙂

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                • Yes, it is not just Christians… I remember being on the board of the local Jewish Community Center and people using the term “Jewish values.” I kept saying, what the fuck are Jewish values and how are they different from just good values??? Everyone does that shit… it’s a back handed way of judging others in my mind, but don’t get me started on religion. Ha. Again, if it helps people feel whole, more power to them. No excuses. Is there a lot of singing in Southern Baptist church services? I always enjoyed the singing in all the religions, otherwise, meh… 😉

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  3. Funny, I was just thinking about this and sobriety and what I think is more important than sobriety. As you know I plan to ask the guys about this the next time I lead the meeting. I regard integrity more important than my technical sobriety. Integrity is everything. Thanks for sharing the above!

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    • I think integrity and sobriety go hand in hand. If you are honest with yourself and honest with everyone else, you will no longer make the same decisions that lead you on the path to a slip. Here’s hoping! Start with honesty and integrity and go from there. And, if you do slip… honesty and integrity will pick you up and bring you back to reality. ❤

      Liked by 2 people

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