Who knows the truth

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After Blue Eyes’ disclosures of his secret life and subsequent diagnosis as a sex addict, I kinda wanted everyone to know the truth. I’m not exactly sure why. Eventually I know I wanted people to understand sex addiction. I want it brought out of the darkness and into the light so people will know they are not alone and they will seek help, be it the addict, or the partner. But this way of thinking has come from understanding and healing. Starting out, I think my desire to shout out my reality to the world came from my not liking secrets. I learned really early as a child the difference between secrets and surprises. The secrets that lead to surprises can be fun to keep (although I am not great at those either) because when they are divulged, they will make someone happy, like the gift you purchased for Daddy’s birthday and have hidden in the closet. So, shhh, don’t tell Daddy about his surprise because we want him to be happy on his birthday. A secret you don’t want anyone to find out about, is bad. And don’t get me started on lies. That is what I was taught. I NEVER could have done what Blue Eyes did. Not just because I am not that broken down addicted person, but also because I don’t tell monstrous lies, gas light, or keep secrets. What you see is what you get with me. I don’t hide, except behind the moniker Crazy Kat, which EVERYONE knows I don’t really want to have to do. I am open and honest with my identity once a relationship is created outside the context of the blog. At this point there are bloggers, commenters, and readers who know my real identity.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think I am perfect. I do think, however, that people rationalize bad behavior all the time and they are really honestly and truly hurting themselves, and also hurting others in the process. I try not to do that.

My persona online and in my social media accounts are inextricably intertwined with Blue Eyes, and, I have a one of a kind name. With my first name and spelling and my husband’s last name, which I took 27 years ago, I believe I am the only person in the world with this name. Therefore, no place to run, no place to hide, and I don’t want to. I have done nothing wrong and I want people to know what has transpired, and that I have survived, and they can too. Likewise with Blue Eyes, but the world just doesn’t work that way. Generally, people don’t understand sex addiction and they have concocted all kinds of preconceived notions in their head as to what it is, or that it isn’t real. Same with marital infidelity actually. I think people want to distance themselves from it because they don’t want to believe it could happen to them. Some amount of blame is always placed on the betrayed.

Blue Eyes no longer has a social media presence. Those who wanted to stay connected to him in that way have followed me. He is all over my Instagram and Facebook. Of course he is, he is my partner of 32 years! We made a promise to each other that before we divulged his secret to anyone, however, we would discuss it together. We have both broken that promise. I shared with a few people before we made the promise, and he shared with a couple people after we made the promise. I want him to be able to speak freely. Selfishly though, I want to be part of the discussion. He is a cheater and an addict. That is on him and is his story to tell. BUT, he cheated on ME and betrayed our marriage, that is our partnership and I own part of that story. Somehow, blame seems to fall on the innocent. What did Kat do to send him off to other women? She must have been bad in bed. Or maybe she is a nagging bitch? Or she got fat! That is my favorite considering the size of the women Blue Eyes cheated with, but really, one of the most difficult aspects of this whole thing is learning to heal from the wounds without letting in the haters. I am not to blame. Blue Eyes is broken and always has been. Just because friends and family couldn’t see it, doesn’t mean it wasn’t true. The truth is, with Blue Eyes’ friends, they didn’t so much hate on me or the situation (that I know of), but some did believe ours was a marital problem. In his excitement to tell his story (because he is happy he is getting help for himself and in recovery) he has forgotten to bring me into the story. He has forgotten to tell people that me and our marriage are innocent victims. The situation I found myself in after 30 years loving one man, had nothing to do with a bad marriage and everything to do with a bad childhood and a wounded man hiding a secret life and breaking his promises.

After months and months of recovery and healing, on most days, I no longer care if friends and family know the truth about Blue Eyes. They cannot help him heal. I know that. They also can’t help me heal. They were never part of his addiction, or our marriage. Some days though, I feel like I am holding on to this monstrous secret, and it brings me down… and I still have a burning desire to shout our story from the rooftops on some days, and so, I have this blog. The blog is a great place to release some of the burden.

To this point, other than our children, it is true that only a handful of the people in our life know the truth. My youngest brother knows (and he told his wife), my oldest sister knows (the one with borderline personality disorder and was early on in the path of Blue Eyes’ budding sex addiction) knows. My mother and step father know. My hair dresser knows (hallelujah that guy has been a god send), our tennis instructor knows (the consummate playboy who approached Blue Eyes about the possibility that he himself may be a sex addict???), my good friend Dee knows (and she told her husband). Colleen (the college roommate/maid of honor–also in the path of Blue Eyes, the sex addict) and her husband know. Blue Eyes’ sister and her husband know, but we don’t speak with them anymore. We don’t speak with anyone in that family actually. And, exactly half a dozen of Blue Eyes friends know, plus all his 12 step buddies of course know. Only one person in that bunch (not including the 12 step guys) had ever really heard of anyone actually being a sex addict. So, although many understand addiction, most have no clue how sex addiction works. We have tried to educate, but this is not a daily part of their lives. Many of these people felt and still feel bad for Blue Eyes. I think some may have some sort of empathic feelings about what I might have been through, but no one really gets it. No one really knows and most don’t want to know what it feels like to be betrayed in that way. I get it, but it is tiring living this way.

And that is where this blog comes in. I know many of you get it. I know that whether we tell people in our real life or not, most will not be able to remotely understand the feelings associated with methodically being lied to and gas lighted and attempting to make a life from the destruction. Many of the fine people in our life will be a shoulder to cry on and a much needed pillar of strength if we let them, but they will not get it. We shouldn’t expect them to.

Thanks for letting me tell you my story, and thank you for being there.

45 thoughts on “Who knows the truth

  1. My husband has been grappling with this disease since he was a kid and after 13 years of marriage and 5 children, all of whom are under the age of 12, he had another disclosure this November, two days before we left for Disney. It is heart wrenching to learn all of this. He will be heading to his program on Sunday and I am in complete devastation. I will say that the first time I received a disclosure, I told a couple of my friends. Sadly, many did not stay my friends because they were judgmental about the fact that I decided to stay with him. This addiction RUINS everything. It takes EVERYTHING that a spouse has and throws it into the fire. I hope that you continue to write. It means the world to me and others to hear your story and know that they are not alone.

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    • Thank you so much, Lindsay, for your kind words. As I say often, all of you have helped me tremendously on this journey as well. Finding so many genuinely good blogger friends was something I could not have imagined the day I sat down as a betrayed spouse and started a journal. So am I reading it correctly that your husband is heading off to a treatment program for sex addiction? If so, I commend you both. You for the burden of handling everything while he is gone including your heartache, and him for being that strong. I wish we had been stronger early on, but alas, here we are. Regarding the friends, I can only imagine how difficult it is to not only deal with the betrayal, but then deal with the rejection of friends who have not walked in your shoes. I could not have imagined the friends I would meet through this betrayal/SA/blogging process. I know we have all different kinds of friends, but now is the time to surround yourself with people who either really understand, or at least respect you for knowing what YOU need to do for YOU, or giving you the space and time to figure it all out. Unless these friends have lived this kind of trauma, they really have no idea, but it is human nature for them to stand up to what they think is right. In their own way, I’m sure they thought they had your back. Unfortunately, we don’t really need people to “have our back.” We need people to be gentle and kind and hug us and hold us and let us make our own decisions, or maybe take those kiddos for you when you need a little break. I know how lonely this can get! Big hugs xx ❤

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      • It has been many years since I attended an SANON meeting but I am heading back tonight. It has taken a while for me to even feel like I can be around other people who have these issues. It has been too raw and sometimes, I feel like I don’t want to poke that wound.

        Your blog is an absolute pleasure to read and I am so happy that I found you. I do need friends right now. Many have been supportive but most have way too much unsolicited advice! I agree that sometimes you just need a hug or someone to listen instead of offering all those extra words!

        I hope that you continue to grow and I can’t wait to hear more about your journey!

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        • Thank you! Good luck tonight at the meeting. I have not gone that route, but I know others find it a comforting place, when they are ready. Sounds like you may be ready. I read on your about page that you like Pinterest… I’m going to follow you! I will be your new follower with thousands of pins! I like me some Pinterest!!! ❤

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  2. I am not sure how I found your blog. I had no idea there were blogs about adultery actually. I use my laptop and then use my ipad for entertainment. Somehow I found one of you and then another and then another and then another. Because of my education and my job I understand a great deal of what happens to children who feel no power. Today, today, I was looking around for entertainment again and stumbled across all the Miss America winners. What do they have to do with your blog? Well, Marilyn van Durber was a Miss America back in the 50s and it took her years to finally admit publicly that she had been molested by her father from age 5 until age 18. She was successful in everything she did but was so shamed by what happened to her that she kept her mouth shut and nearly destroyed herself. The fact that she is now such an articulate speaker for children who have been through this that I thought perhaps those of you who either have a spouse, friend or even yourself as a victims would really get something from what I found. She has a website and it is based on the book she has written. I have never listen to anything as powerful as her talk about what happened to her and the damage it did to her throughout her life. For those of you who have spouses that were damaged by childhood any kind of powerlessness engenders the same feeling. Isolation, shame and never being able to tell because there is no way to tell. If you have the time and the inclination I suggest you find her website. When I read the amount of pain you and all the others on these blogs feel I cannot help but wonder how people make excuses for the damage they do to people who love and trust them. It is such a mystery to me. Her father was wealthy and powerful and her mother never “knew” so there was no one she could tell.

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    • Thanks, Moi. I’ll check it out. My husband likewise lived a childhood of abuse and shame. The sexual and emotional abuse really came out with therapy after he was diagnosed as a sex addict. It is inspiring when people get help for the damage that has been there for many decades. I think they almost split in two, on the one hand, the person they want to be and in the case of my husband, the one he showed to those around him, and then the other person, the broken and wounded one who rationalized his addict behavior. His frontal lobe was altered when he was an adolescent to believe he needed the secret sexual outlet in order to cope with his life… first masturbation and porn, sexual acting out (publicly inappropriate behavior) with his then girlfriend in college, then grooming other women during the earlier stages of marriage, and eventually sexual affairs. It is very painful, it does hurt, but I unknowingly married an addict and he is on a path to recovery. It’s not easy, but it is our life at this point. Likewise, he felt like there was no one to tell as both his parents were the perpetrators, then it was his secret and he believed there was no one else like him, that he was alone in this, and if his secrets were revealed, he would lose everything. Recovery has exposed the fact that he is far from alone.

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  3. I absolutely love your posts because sometimes I feel like you are speaking the words and expressing emotions I am just starting to get in touch with! The story that I now carry on my back….his Disclosure information… is truly information I feel that I too want to stand on a mountain top and share with the whole world. Sometimes I feel this way because for a few years, early on in my discovery, due to his gaslighting and manipulation, I was made out to be the crazy one. Twice I have ‘gone away’ both times by choice to treatment centres because I was made to believe by my husband, that I was the addict, I was drinking too much, our kids were worried about me…there was no way I would be subjected to an intervention because I new…I was medicating to educate myself, to learn about the world of sex work, escorts, phone sex, shemales? etc….I new nothing of this! Survival is a wild and wonderful thing, and I understand the harm I was doing to myself in order to cope and keep my head above water!
    Today I carry alot of resentment that he set up me to be the unstable parent…..all while he was still hiring escorts and masturbating to porn on a regular basis! In his addiction, he is a bully, a manipulator and a ruthless human being….someone I have clearly stated I do not want to be in a relationship with.
    I guess my question to you gals today is how on earth do I accept the 100-200 prostitutes, the secret life he lead paying leases for…living and travelling with and gifting one or two of them over a period of years…our formal Disclosure was last January 2015 and I guess to this day, I still don’t know if I want to be in this relationship….especially when our grown daughter said to me…you need to get well Mom but i don’t think I ever would have stayed if it was me!
    These questions are starting to come to me daily….two days ago my husband informed me that a female sex addict had joined their all male SAA group and of course my husband has taken on being the best guy in Recovery and is connecting daily with some new male members….It hit me and I told him…I do not want to be in a relationship with you if your role is going to be to be the best ‘sponsor’ of all of the new young female sex addicts that show up….I’m OK with you carrying on in your recovery and me disconnecting to find sanity still! He has stated he would never do this out of respect for me and I do think he is really committed to Recovery….I just dont know if I’m up for A) acceptance B) forgiveness…forget it!
    Just being honest….days like today…I’m happy living my groovy life and hate even thinking about him and his addiction to SEX…it’s so toxic!

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    • Sometimes I think we want to shout it out because we feel so bitterly alone. Maybe if we shouted it to EVERYONE, someone will get us. Someone will be able to comfort us and tell us it will all be okay. I desperately wanted someone to do that for me. When I was in therapy, I did get that. I was told it would all be okay, but that it might need to be okay without my husband in the picture. That was devastating for me to hear. It was incredible how long it took me to stop saying everything in the “we.” “I” needed to be accountable for me, for my actions, for my own behavior. I was so traumatized. I did some harmful things to myself. I was so confused. I was afraid for many many months. Afraid of losing what I had, what I had built the past 30 years.

      Regarding what your husband did in the name of sex addiction, the prostitutes, the behaviors, the money, the turning things around on you (I am so so sorry you had to go through THAT, so awful) I have learned that what they did (which no matter what they did seems completely overwhelming to each of us in our story) it is more about the why they did it. The underlying pathology, the wounds that need healing, the rationalizing and deflecting that needs to stop. They need to be in a prescribed recovery program and following it day by day. In my world, there is no such thing as white knuckling it. But what I have really learned from my husband is that he needed to be more humble. He needed to stop feeling like just because he was in recovery that he could help other people, he still, with more than two years of 12 step group meetings under his belt, is far from equipped to really help anyone. But his arrogance told him otherwise. In all honesty, he still struggles with his own demons regularly. He can be there, but each individual person, be it the addict or the betrayed, needs to carry their own burden, and find their way out by themselves. What seems so devastating to us after discovery, the diving deep inside ourselves to figure out the “why,” what did we do wrong to cause all this, is so very difficult for the addict. They have avoided looking deep inside themselves for decades. They have avoided it in order to feed the beast inside. The gas lighting behavior you have lived through is horrifying, but it became part of HIS survival mode. No way could he go deep inside his own behavior to acknowledge it and fight it. Instead of running away, he blamed you. I can totally understand the resentment and in my case it has taken a lot of time to get to where I am, and where I am is by no means “healed.” Day by day though, it gets better. As he recovers and does the right things, I feel like I have made the right choice in staying. I am a forgiving person by nature and I think it helps a bit with the burdens I carry. But, I have not forgotten. I have not forgotten not even one little detail. Forgetting is not part of me, but forgiving is good for me. I have resolved myself to the fact that no matter what he does, I will definitely be okay, so I am not dependent on what he has done or what he will do for my own happiness. I still struggle too though. Trust is something I am still working on.

      I love that you are happy living your groovy life. Me too, on most days. ❤

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  4. Basically no one knows in my life and it is maddening. His parents do. And my therapist. And some people at his work who were involved in one particular tangled mess together. But no one in my life knows. I’ve kept it a secret for 18 years. I feel so isolated and hurt and wonder if it will ever get better. Some days I just want to disappear and start all over by myself. Way more to my story but I get the feeling of wanting to shout it out for ALL to hear…I want people to know I’m not really crazy. I’m just really hurt.

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    • Well, I don’t blame you for wanting to shout out the secret. I am so sorry you still feel so hurt after all these years. I can only imagine the burden you carry. You are not crazy, but those feelings of isolation and hurt have got to be incredibly stressful to carry around. Shouting it out on the blogs help, there will be people who understand, who get you, but it sounds like you have compromised yourself in this process. Your work with your therapist hasn’t helped provide you any answers? It does sound like you need to make some changes in order to release some of that hurt. Shout it out! For now, we’re here! ♥️

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  5. Pingback: Redemption in Telling – savingshards

  6. 11 people know. For a long time it was 10, and then recently I had a very personal conversation with someone who was telling me the issues they were having with their partner, and so many things resonated – telling them was my way of shouting ‘stop, now before it’s too late’ the disconnect that she was experiencing was so close to my own four years ago.
    But now I see that she is different with rich when she interacts, I felt bad and then I realised I can’t control it. If she judges him it’s up to her, if he senses it that’s something he has to deal with.
    Infidelity is a great big stone dropped from a bloody tall height, the ripples just go and go and go.
    Great post Kat 😘

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    • Owlie, that was brave. And if the friendship changes, or is lost, I feel sure you did the right thing. You spoke up, exposing both of you, to try to wake someone up to destructive shit. You may well have intervened to save some people this horror. And that is worth the awkwardness. Even if it doesn’t, at least you tried. You didn’t just stand by watching the impending train derailment. You sent the warning. Bloody marvellous 👏👏👏

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      • Thank you Paula 😘 Even though I know both parties, I’ve no idea of what I said made any difference, all you can really do is relate and then leave it with people. Relationships are very complex, ha there I was all those years ago thinking all you need is love….yeah…not even a bit, although it’s a good place to start 🙄 I did wonder after if she may have judged me for staying, but I can’t control that either. Not giving a shit is becoming a speciality around here 😂

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    • Speaking up about our own experiences, I think, is the right thing to do. Advice can be given as a tool… as long as we don’t have any expectations for a particular outcome in someone else’s predicament, I think being honest and truthful is the best we can provide as a friend under the circumstances. What our husbands did (recognizing our situations are vastly different), has consequences. So yes, it may change the way someone looks at them. Some respect may be lost. It is a fine line between telling our truth about what they did and how it affected us and being kind to our husbands in the process. I think part of the fallout can be based on our own presentation of the story. The farther we are from the most heartbreaking of revelations, I think the calmer and more objective we can be, which is important. No doubt she is projecting some of the feelings she has for her partner on Rich. It’s inevitable. I have found that letting BE tell his own story, and me tell mine, is a good way to approach it, but our story includes a whole lot of complicated shit. I agree with Paula. Telling the story at all is brave. I hope your holiday was fabulous. Our son was in Barcelona during the month of July, and his experience with the crowds was similar to yours. BE and I were there in October and it was pretty quiet other than all the partiers hanging out on Las Ramblas waiting for a football game between Barcelona and an Irish team. That was a bit crazy. ❤

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      • I used to really want my advice to be taken, implemented, complimented, utilised and then repeated….gotta love that ego! Now I realised all I can do is say I’ve been there, now I’m here, if you need some help shout, if not ok. Interestingly it’s a lesbian couple, I don’t know why in life I’m always surprised by the amount we have in common rather than what we don’t – in all situations, not just hetero/gay . The way she spoke at times could have been the words out of my mouth, and there I was thinking women had all this shit together – no sirree!
        We were about 30 minutes outside of Barcelona so it was really easy to jump on a train in and sweet relief to jump on a train back out! 🌞🏊🏽

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        • Well, you have just blown my theory about a lesbian relationship when I get older… you know, because women will get me, ha. Yes, we are all just people and we all bring a lot to the table, good, challenging, or otherwise. I think part of maturing is realizing we cannot change other people, no matter how hard we try or how perfect we are. 😉

          Sounds like you made a lovely choice for your Spanish holiday! ❤

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  7. Thanks, Kat. This comes at a really good time for me. I was feeling strongly yesterday that no one really gets how I feel. Even my therapist who has been so helpful has said,”This has nothing to do with you.” I get it that I didn’t cause it but that’s like saying to the victim of a tornado or earthquake who is sitting in the rubble of what once was her home, “This is not about you. ” Yes, l’m sure she doesn’t think she caused the tornado or earthquake but she has to deal with the loss of her home. So, it is about her. And this is about me. I’m dealing with the loss of a 26 yr relationship sitting in the rubble of that while trying to figure out how to rebuild. So thanks for your words. I know that you do get it and it is so helpful to me.

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    • I get your analogy completely. We have to deal with the destruction, so even though the addiction and their behavior wasn’t “about” us, which really only helps with the trying to build back our self esteem part, we still do have a mess to deal with. I do believe there will come a day when things fit somewhat back into place. I was really really pissed when therapists and others kept saying it wasn’t about me. Of course everything that happens to me in my life affects me in some way and this is a doozy of a thing to happen. I am not a narcissist, just someone trying to make sense of my own life… and what happened to it. Just like you, and many many others. But there did come a time where I stopped agonizing over what had happened, and frankly just started to rebuild. In the rebuilding process, I realized I could re-build the whole thing on my own and be fine. I was choosing to try and re-build with my husband. It was my decision about my life. I had to know I would be fine regardless of what he did. But getting past some of the pain and getting to that point takes time and no one can tell us how long it will take. Day by day. You are doing great. ❤

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      • This is a powerful response, Kat. “I was choosing to try and re-build with my husband. It was my decision about my life. I had to know I would be fine regardless of what he did.” Incredibly powerful.
        I railed against therapists saying it wasn’t about me, too. But now I get that, and it really wasn’t. I, and those other lovers-of-HUSBAND and believers-in-his-lies were the unfortunate bloody victims, and had to find our way(s) out of the rubble of destruction. You have such wisdom.

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        • Thanks, SS. It really was unbelievable to me how I seemed to be surrounded by crazy people. While BE and I were in Europe in May, there was a huge issue with my sister (who has borderline personality disorder) and her long time partner… someone I introduced her to, but not in a romantic way. She made it romantic, because that is what she does. Anyway, so as we sat with my parents as they recounted the horror they had been through with my sister and her male friend, and they know all about BE and his addiction, I kind of just sat there realizing that I brought a lot of this crazy into our family. I apologized to them. But the thing about my parents is, they get me. So even though they don’t really understand how vulnerable I am and they think I can tackle the world, handle absolutely anything and not crumble, they know I care deeply about people. I care deeply about the human spirit. They laughed at me, when I was being serious. But, I didn’t know. The therapists say I do not seek out broken people, they seek me out. I sometimes have trouble believing that. I always believed my husband would be the one that was there for me… the one that would never hurt me. *sigh* From January 11, 2014 on, I had to face the truth. I am the one who is always there for me. Much love to you, SS. ❤

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          • Oh Kat…I am going to hang on to so much of this. Especially, “…I had to face the truth. I am the one who is always there for me.” That is really one of the hardest things to grasp. But it is so true. And much love to you, too. HUGS.

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  8. You know my story about friendship and further loss. The judgement felt mostly directed at me. Even by my closest friends. So, of course this post resonates strongly. One of the most challenging moments for me was as a successful (but old, lol!) undergrad student I was writing an essay that started to unravel. I thought I could keep my ‘betrayed life’ compartmentalised from my ‘academic life’. Now, I am shit at compartmentalising. I have 20 tabs open at once in my browser. But for about 2 years, no one at uni knew. And in my ‘real’ life – ie, the life in the country, away from the city I commute to for uni – everyone knew. I panicked. And emailed the person who was marking the essay, explaining that some of me was leaking into the essay, and I didn’t know what to do. And that it was exposing, embarrassing, and possibly inappropriate? She encouraged me to continue. ‘The best work is often from an uncomfortable place, that niggles at your theory. Only me and your lecturer will see this. I promise we will treat it, as all, confidentially.’ So I wrote. And I got the most amazing feedback. And a grade of 100%. The lecturer wrote over a page to me, offering her thanks for my candour, and telling me how brave I was. I since had her again and wrote something further, from a different perspective, that also was well received. We have now become friends, and she tells me colleagues (same woman is co-supervising my Masters thesis and I am her research assistant on a project she is working on.) I am glad I spoke my truth. In an academic arena. It lends weight. It helps build knowledges. And it is a step towards giving voice to this ‘secret’ community. But there is no doubt that I have been judged and shunned in my private life. After all, Roger is such a nice man. Therefore I must have done a myriad of things to deserve the treatment I got. Society often gets the wrong message in order to make things ‘fit’ the way it thinks they should, which is often nothing like the reality. And the frustration that NOBODY got it was agonising for a long, long time.

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    • How rewarding that the academics innately get your story and its relevance on you and your thought process and your writing and how it builds knowledge in an area often ignored or misrepresented. Interesting though, Roger is a nice man, but when did you become a not nice woman??? When HE cheated? Somehow it is easier for people to latch onto that theory because they cannot fathom such a thing happening to them. And as far as the cheaters go, there must be some excuse for why a good person would cheat on his good partner, right??? right??? *sigh.* There is just frankly a lot of misplaced and projected emotion dumped on people who are already suffering. People don’t want to get it… if they get it, they are too close to it. And almost no one really wants to be close to it. We are forced into it. For all the pain we have endured, however, we are now equipped to help those in the same situation. Thank you for putting your energy into helping us feel less alone, Paula. ❤

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      • Absolutely. In reality, I think Roger is innately more ‘likeable’ than me. So I must be the awful partner. Because a nice person doesn’t lie, cheat, put their partner’s life in danger. They would only do that if the other person ‘deserved’ that treatment. Right? Because, as you so rightly say, it fits their story. They couldn’t possibly be cheated on. Only bad, mean, sexually uptight people can be cheated on. These are the stories the non-betrayed construct to protect themselves. Whilst I always knew it happens to anyone, I really thought the open communication we had would work to protect us. You never anticipate the perfect storm. Or that it could last so damn long!

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  9. Of course, you are right. It’s something that you just don’t get if you haven’t lived it. I am equal parts sad and grateful that my SA went on his merry way without having anyone in his life hold him accountable or shun him. I’m rather surprised at the number of people that feel sorry for him and yet have never expressed sorrow for his victims. I hope you find peace and understanding here with your blogging sisterhood.

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    • I do find lots of peace most days from writing the blog, and understanding, and kindness from the sisterhood. I am truly grateful.

      It blows the mind how people express their feelings when a couple breaks up. I think it is natural instinct to go with the perceived underdog. The one with the more difficult path. I think many times people get wrong who that underdog really is. ❤

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  10. Today’s blog really reasonstes for me- as I have had difficulty with my friendships to date. When I first found out 16 months ago, I told a bunch of my female friends, as I was in so much pain that I couldn’t hide my suffering. Initially their knowledge of my husbands infidelities were sealed in their respective “secret vaults”. Once they each became aware of others that knew my secret, they became comfortable speaking to each other about me when I wasn’t in the room . Yes, I know that judgements flew, as they each struggled to be simultaneously supportive of me while harboring resentment towards my husband (of course). I now feel uncomfortable around seeing several of these old “friends”. A few have trailed off and stopped reaching out (conveniently busy , judgemental or just unable to deal). New friendships have developed with those that do not know my secret, but they lack depth / true intimacy, due to my “secret”. New friendships have developed with those that I chose to share my secret with, and while those feel authentic and beautIful in someways, there is a always an underlying discomfort in me when around them. Are they actually judging me? Are double-dates uncomfortable ground for them (clearly as I must initiate the date)? The question is, how does a new social life get started for us? After all , no one really understands or knows what to say or think, except you and other surviving sisters. Most days, when I stop and pause, I don’t know what to think or how I feel about all of this too . He’s in recovery-absolutely – but now what ? How does the heart heal from all the trama ? Does it?Thanks for your blog!

    Liked by 4 people

    • Thanks, Undone. I know your whole world has been turned upside down and because people don’t get it, and we don’t really get it some days, it all feels wrong. I hope there will come a time when you don’t care what people say or think and you can enjoy just being a couple again. I know that day probably isn’t soon, but you have your beautiful family and the chance to build something strong. Stick with the friendships that feel right and abandon or go more slowly with the ones that are more work. I am not as social as you, so abandoning the pretense of entertaining or going out with friends wasn’t as big a deal. Towards the beginning, we met some new friends and they went on and on about a friend who is an addict (drug addict I think it was). How it broke apart the marriage, etc… It was an incredibly uncomfortable situation because they knew nothing of our story. I believe if they did know about us, they would not have been able to handle it based on the way they interact as a couple. He is very misogynistic, she laughs it off or just walks away. I felt like I was going to explode all day with them and when we finally got home that night, I was a puddle of tears. So stressful. I know this sounds so very judgy, but I would take my SA husband over her egotistical male chauvinist any day. To each their own. It is not worth it to me to pretend anymore. I don’t need friends who make me feel uncomfortable. But I like being alone with just my family. That being said, over time it has become easier to talk about it all with friends and family that know and I don’t feel so hurt or broken any more. For me, my heart is still healing, but it’s a whole lot stronger now than a year ago. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  11. You know what? I also wanted to shout it out from the rooftops when I found out my husband was cheating on me. I can’t explain why. My reasons weren’t noble like yours (to help others) I think I just wanted everyone to know what an A hole he really was.
    0ne thing we do share, is that unless u felt this kind of betrayal, you never feel understood, and for that blogging as been great for me too. It’s a great way to vent in a non destructive but creative way and get the kind of support that really matters: kindness and understanding.
    P.s. I sent u something in your email, I was so excited to get it. Check it out ❤️

    Liked by 4 people

    • Ooh, fun email. Thanks for sharing! I agree, kindness and understanding is what we need, without judgment or preconceived notions of what we did wrong. We can have all the confidence in the world, but some days we still feel like crap for what has been done to us, even though it was not our wrong doing. Thanks for always being kind and understanding. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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