Blue Eyes is now three years sober. He will receive his three year sobriety chip at his next Sexaholics Anonymous meeting. His official self proclaimed sobriety date is December 11, 2013. His last date of acting out with the other woman was July 30, 2013. His sobriety date corresponds with the day he decided for himself that his obsessive masturbation and acting out sexually and secretly had to end, or it would end him. Ironically, on the night of December 10, 2013, Blue Eyes was by himself in a hotel room in Tokyo. He was scheduled to get up at 4:00am the following morning to accompany one of our employees to the Tsukiji Fish Market, the famous early morning wholesale fish auction here in Tokyo.
Prior to being diagnosed as a sex addict, Blue Eyes spent many hours a week feeding his rampant need for secret sexual thoughts and acts in order to cope with his life. These behaviors were so ingrained in him, as was his need to keep them secret, that he never really questioned the why, but indeed just kept right on escalating his behavior through denial and rationalization.
He sat up that night in the very hotel where I am typing this now, and he never did sleep. He watched porn on his computer and masturbated up to seven times, per his own recall of the night. Being alone in a hotel room prompted many similar nights for Blue Eyes. He was so exhausted by the time 4:00am rolled around, that the only emotion left in him was anger. Anger at our employee for wanting to go to the fish market, and anger at himself for falling to this sick destructive need to medicate himself. The past three trips to Japan, Blue Eyes had brought the other woman. Although procuring her to go on the trip, keeping it a secret, and all the other shenanigans he pulled while traveling with her were stressful, the process was well established, and to him, the risk and stress were worth the “reward.” He treated her like an object, which became very comfortable for him, and therefore he felt very little remorse at using her this way. He never, however, for obvious reasons, invited her on trips with him when our employees were along. Therefore those trips were fraught with obsessive porn and masturbation when he was alone in his hotel room.
So, on December 11, Blue Eyes decided he could not continue the way he had been for so many years. He was working with his therapist on some of the potential roots of his issues (although as we all know, he was not completely honest with his therapist) and planning to attend a co-dependent workshop at The Meadows in Arizona. As it turns out, Blue Eyes did not masturbate or view porn after December 10, 2013 and on that day in January, nearly six months after breaking things off with her, he did not answer the other woman’s obsessive phone calls. Blue Eyes feels very connected to his sobriety date and staying “sober” is very important to him. I get that, and I believe it.
Unfortunately, that is not the end of the story. As I have mentioned so many times, living with a recovering addict while tackling my own betrayal trauma, is a bit like walking through a desert strewn with land mines. I never know what is going to elicit an addict driven response from him, or a totally devastating trauma response from me. The past nearly three years have included explosion after explosion. Now here we are in Tokyo, the site of much sexual acting out behavior and many past landmines. Yesterday afternoon we left our hotel in the Shinagawa area of Tokyo, and headed to Tokyo Station and the Marunouchi area to do some shopping for the beach house. Even though their last trip to Tokyo together was in 2012, the three times she was here with him still hold a lot of destructive power for both of us. As a matter of fact, the treadmills in the lovely exercise room here at our hotel on the 26th floor (a hotel he did not stay at with her) face a hotel he stayed at with her in 2010, the Valentine’s Day trip. Strangely enough, when looking up some correspondence with my brother (who lives here in Tokyo), I ran across an email from the trip where my brother states… “he wouldn’t confirm his schedule, nor would he tell us where he was staying. Your husband is so strange. If we had known he was going to be here in Tokyo on Valentine’s Day without you, we would have invited him to the in-laws for crab and lobster!!!” Yeah, GQ, Blue Eyes is incredibly strange, and creepy, and dishonest, and manipulative. Sorry for that! We all trusted him.
So, as mentioned in previous posts, he stayed with her in the Marunouchi area of Japan twice. Although I love the area, it holds a fuck ton of triggers. But I am SO MUCH BETTER NOW. Surely, after all this time, I would not be triggered, right, Right, RIGHT??? Left to my own devices I would not have been triggered, at all. Unfortunately, I was traveling with my bumbling idiot, emotionally stunted sex addict husband. We exit the Yamanote train line and I want to make sure we take the correct exit out of the station because I don’t want to end up on the wrong side of the HUGE station walking a mile to our destination. The underground shopping Arcade of the Palace Hotel was to be our starting point. As I am perusing the signs (thankfully in Tokyo most of the signs also include Romaji, English characters) I know we are going to walk outside right next to a hotel they stayed at together. But it is me, three year’s healed Kat. I’m good, people. Unfortunately, Blue Eyes is three years sober on a journey that is going to take a lifetime. There is no end to his sobriety journey. In my mind, he will always be recovering, never recovered. In other words, he is still fucked up, people. At this point, Blue Eyes is REALLY hungry. He’s a bit ungrounded and all he is thinking about is food. He looks up at one of the exit signs and says… “Oh, Kitchen Street, we could go to Kitchen Street, we both LOVE Kitchen Street.” And he has this giddy look on his face. Like he is thinking about the best of memories. Like a kid reminded of the first time he dug into an ice cream cone. What the fucking fuck??? My response is, “what the fuck is Kitchen Street???” “I have never been to KITCHEN STREET.” The name alone sounds lame to me. And that, my friends, wipes that giddy look right off his fucking cheating face. Does anyone else see where this is going? I looked him square in the eye and said, “oh, that must be a special place you and your girlfriend visited.” “Did you take her there for Valentine’s Day?”
There is no good way for this to end now. The answer to my questions is obviously, yes. At this point, any healthy, normal human being would cop to his BIG FUCKING MISTAKE. Just say OMG, I am so sorry. I lost it there for a minute. I’m so messed up. Please forgive me. Yes, I went with her to Kitchen Street. Please, let’s go as far from kitchen street as possible. Here, let me buy you a diamond necklace… can I purchase you a palace in Italy? Or how about a nice hot cocoa and some of your favorite comfort food. But no, he DENIES IT ALL. He says he went there with my brother for Italian Food. I ask him to just tell the truth and he says, well, maybe he went there with her. He doesn’t remember. Then he says, “well, if I did go there with her, it was one of the worst days of my life.” “It was horrible, I was miserable without you.” NO NO NO NO NO. OMG. If we hadn’t been in the middle of Tokyo walking the streets with thousands of people, I think I would have lost it right there and then. I wanted to scream. I saw the look of sheer joy on his face remembering being there. Now, the thing is, I am far enough along in this healing of myself “thing” that I know it was not about her. He wasn’t alone and he was getting a big morphine hit to quell his addiction. I GET IT. I KNOW HE IS AN ADDICT. What I cannot tolerate is the denial, and the lying. Blue Eyes can be as “sober” as he likes, but if he is still living in denial and refuses to come to grips with his own reality, this ain’t gonna work long term. I mean it hurts that people seem to be interchangeable to Blue Eyes… I have written about that too, but when it comes time to STOP, and live in reality and take responsibility and quickly make amends, three long hard fought years of recovery and sobriety have not brought him to that place. Time to work a little harder, Blue Eyes.
He is just so fucking lucky that I understand crazy. And that I am incredibly patient and compassionate. He is really fucking lucky. As we walked back to our hotel from the train station last night, I threw out a dagger (because I may be understanding and patient, but I am not perfect)… and this was it, “since I know you went for cheap Beef Curry for Valentine’s dinner with her, I am sure that was one more way to solidify her loyalty to you… she was there with you on Valentine’s Day in Tokyo eating Beef Curry, one of your favorites, and I was not there, and I HATE Japanese Beef Curry. I bet she just loved that, and I bet you did too!”