“When your heart is broken, you plant seeds in the cracks and pray for rain.” ― Andrea Gibson
Three and a half years ago I wrote a journal entry and when I posted it on my blog in November, 2014, I titled it: Planting the seeds and I end the post with… I am cracked, but I am planting seeds that will grow into the strong roots of a deep deserved happiness, and I am praying for rain.
The rains have come and done their magic. Time has helped to solidify the roots of my happiness. What I do now, how I behave, how I live my life, is much more conscious than before. I don’t take things for granted any more. I know that I am the one who holds the key to my own well being and I accept and embrace that fact. I have slowly healed from the trauma and it is a rare occasion these days when I am truly down. I am not writing as much of late, but it is not because I don’t have anything to write, or that I don’t feel like writing. It is more a factor of prioritizing the time to write. I don’t want to lose track of my love of putting pen to paper, so to speak. This blog has been a place of both pain and joy for me, but it has always been a place for growth and healing. Writing is my lifeblood.
It has been a month since I last wrote here. What a busy month!!! And now we are at the end of another year. My 2017 turned out to be pretty wonderful (American politics pushed very far aside) and I made a great deal of progress in my healing. On December 11th, Blue Eyes celebrated four years of sobriety. On that date, he was in meetings in Tokyo, but upon our return home, he picked up his four year chip at a special Friday-before-Christmas 12-step meeting. The meeting was attended by many of his favorite recovering sex addicts. A lot of his good friends these days are sex addicts. They are kind, gentle, loving, and fallible people, and they are addicts. I’m really happy he has found 12 step to be a safe place for him. Blue Eyes is making great progress. Interestingly enough, last year at this time we were also in Tokyo (Living in denial) and Blue Eyes was very much still struggling. It’s nice to be able to mark such pronounced progress here on the blog.
On December 1st, Blue Eyes and I boarded a plane to Hawaii and spent an enjoyable, tranquil, blissful really, week on the island of Oahu.
We visit Hawaii at least once per year. We own a timeshare in the resort area of Ko Olina. I decided I wanted this week in paradise to be really relaxing. I had just spent a week preparing for and serving up Thanksgiving to a dozen at the beach house, and I would return the end of December to a similar situation for Christmas. I desperately needed this break.
We walked, we talked, we shopped, we meditated together, we ate good food, we enjoyed the sunshine and warmth, and we didn’t have a schedule. There was zero trauma, and a lot of loving kindness and nurturing. We did good. We even drove into Waikiki, something we rarely, if ever, do, and went to the Ala Moana Shopping Center to purchase a gift for The Princess. I chuckled at the young Hawaiian children at the mall wearing sweats, coats, and boots. It was December, but it was also 78 degrees!
We then hopped on a plane bound for Tokyo. Well, truth be told, I wasn’t ready to leave the tropical paradise that is Hawaii, so it was a bit more like dragging myself early on a Friday morning onto a plane for a grueling nine hour flight after which I knew I would be loopy from the 19-hour time difference. My niece, aka The Princess, celebrated her third birthday last month and her Shichi-go-san (rite of passage for boys ages 3 & 5, and girls ages 3 & 7) festival was scheduled for the day after we arrived Tokyo. I truly appreciate my brother, GQ, for planning this special event around our trip. The ceremony took place at the gorgeous Meiji Shrine in the middle of Yoyogi Park in Shibuya, Tokyo.
Our hotel was in the Marunouchi area, per usual, and I spent one afternoon walking all the way around the Imperial Palace.
In the end, four years later, we have both made some amazing progress in our healing. Blue Eyes is healing from wounds that span five decades, and hopefully learning to live a life free of shame. I made my way through emotions that I thought had the ability to take me down for good. Some days I felt like I had reached the end of my capacity to feel any emotion at all and I merely wanted to check out. This past month, the last weeks of 2017, have been filled with joy, and contentment. Together, and separate, we are nearly whole again, but most of all we have learned to be patient and kind and loving to each other, and to ourselves.
May your 2018 be filled with joy, mindfulness, peace, strength, and love. ❤