My time alone

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We are heading out of town to Tokyo tomorrow and I didn’t want to leave my blog sitting here with the bit about mistresses hanging in the air. So here I am, carving out a few minutes to jot down my thoughts while trying to finish off that last little bit of packing. It was a fairly dicey morning out here as yesterday’s weather included hours of blustery snow and ice pellets building on each other in layers. Temperatures did not warm up over night as predicted. The road in front of our house is a sheet of ice. Blue Eyes had to get the dogs off to the doggie ranch shuttle and then to the office for meetings, but thankfully I have no where I really need to go. I ran my errands earlier in the week.

As I pack for Japan, my mind seems to be pretty solely taken up with thoughts of our new beach house. Blue Eyes and I have made the drive to the beach house dozens of times since construction commenced, but lately I have been making the drive alone.

I cherish the peace and quiet of my solitary drives over to the coast. Door to door it is an 86 mile trip. My car does a pretty nifty job of getting me there in less than an hour and a half. The journey is mostly highway, but it is over a mountain range on a predominately two lane road. I cherish those uphill passing lanes. Most recently I drove over Tuesday morning for a furniture delivery and a little more face time with the landscaper. I am longing for the day that the house is solely ours. That our belongings are safely in place, beds are made, and no more contractors aimlessly wander through with no notice. I want my gorgeous copper tea pot sitting on the cooktop. I want the mugs Blue Eyes and I lovingly picked out sitting on the counter. I want my little porcelain wedding ring holder and my bottle of lotion sitting on my marble topped nightstand. I want to wake up in the morning in my bed with that gorgeous view, sip a cup of hot tea, take a stroll on the beach, and spend an entire afternoon painting in my loft. I know all that wonderfulness is only days away and the anticipation is starting to get to me. Final inspection was supposed to have happened yesterday, but with the weather, all appointments were cancelled. Even with final inspection complete, there are still lots and lots of little construction details to be finished, and Blue Eyes is still, frustratingly, dealing with the banks.

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On Tuesday’s drive over I took some time to stop and take in the beauty that is the coastal mountain range. It had snowed the day before, so the forest was magical. The road was dry and that was a real blessing. As I neared highway 101, the clouds cleared, the sun shone, and the skies were so very blue. I listened to Christmas tunes and not a single negative thought or image crossed my mind. Oh how I took that for granted… before. Before, I had so much time alone. Mostly I liked it. It grounded me. Time alone helped me organize myself and get some large projects done. I wish I could say I am back to that same old Kat, the one who seemed to have everything under control, the one that would take one of the many days that my husband was off traveling and completely empty out the kitchen and scour each and every cabinet before putting everything back in its place, or shampoo all the carpets, or plant winter pansies in all the pots and beds. That Kat is sorta gone. When I open the kitchen drawers these days, things are disorganized and there are little bits of dust or crumbs and instead of making it my mission to make everything spotless, I just shut the drawer and move on. This Kat doesn’t get the same satisfaction from those kinds of projects anymore. There are no winter plants or flowers in the pots or beds. I did have Blue Eyes schedule to have white lights put on all the trees in the front yard for the season and that makes me happy. I don’t have to do anything, just look at them and enjoy them. I can’t really put my finger on whether this new Kat is more or less content than the old Kat. I’m not sure I really care. I can’t go back to the old Kat anyway. Change is inevitable.

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After the furniture had been delivered and the landscapers were well on their way to re-grading our new yard, and me not quite wanting to head for “home,” I sat on my sofa looking out at the sea and wrote this poem.

En Mer

As I step out,

I hear you calling

your voice is harsh and furious

your demeanor is distant and wild

I am drawn by your strength

by your presence

I want you to embrace me

but your power is crushing

Your grip is frigid

and I am breathless

Your presence alone leaves me off balance

and I fear

If I give in

you will surely carry me with you

on a path of total destruction

If I don’t submit

I will always wonder what could have been

in the hands of your icy grasp

deeper and deeper into the abyss

15 thoughts on “My time alone

    • Oh, I hope not, for your sake. I have moved past the TV/Movie triggers at this point. As a matter of fact, one of my favorite shows is ‘The Affair.’ I LOVE to HATE the main character/husband (well, husband/ex-husband/husband/ex-husband? The guy is MESSED UP!). Seriously though, I like the mystery part of it and the different character perspectives. But sometimes I am a masochist. My triggers still mostly come from my husband. I am currently writing about that right now as I sit here in a Tokyo hotel room… I was hoping of no triggers this time, but it seems that was not in my cards. I do still love Tokyo though. Such a unique city. I’ll have to check out ‘This is Us’ when I get home. xo

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Oh, I am so glad to hear I am not the only one who has lost the drive to clean or garden in my “alone time”. I used to spend my Saturdays cleaning the house. Today, I ran a dust mop over the hard surfaces to pick up dog hair – and that’s all the cleaning that will happen today. I did, however, make it to a 9 am yoga class, shop for Christmas gifts for two deserving little girls I’ve never met, walk 3 miles with the dogs when I got home, and watch two episodes of “This is Us”.

    There are eight planters on my deck full of weeds and/or dead flower stalks…I think I’ll enjoy them “snow-covered” this winter. 😉

    I simply don’t care as about those other things the way I once did. I probably never will.

    Safe travels, Kat. I hope you have a wonderful time!
    ☀️

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yep, Sunshine, we are different, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t okay. Good for you for doing other things you enjoy and that are good for you and for others. I spent many a day the first two years just sitting in my house doing lots of nothing. I finally had to clean out those dead summer flower stalks from my pots because an insurance guy was coming by to take a walk around the house and I just couldn’t leave them like that… but it did take that guy coming by before I did it. I have a view of most of the pots from my kitchen window and day after day I just looked at them and thought, “neh.”

      I’ve seen commercials for the show “This is Us.” You like it? My son has talked me into watching Westworld and Stranger Things and both are really weird. I’m not really a sci-fi lover.

      So far so good in Tokyo. Much warmer and sunnier than back home. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes we are. Getting better all the time 😀
        I’ve watched six episodes, and so far I like it a lot. I struggle to sit through the many shows that glorify infidelity, and so far anyway, there is none in “This is Us”. It might be a tad predictable, but there’s nothing triggery. So sad that THAT is what I now use to choose my entertainment, but at least there are options.
        ☀️

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  2. Kat, I could so relate to this. I am having a struggle with the holidays this year. In the past, I so enjoyed getting the house decorated, buying gifts, making all the plans. My d-day was February 5, 2016, so last Christmas I was blissfully unaware. As I unpacked the Christmas decorations this year, I would think when I put this away last year I didn’t know my husband had a double life, a very dangerous and sick double life. I didn’t know that in a little over a month, my world would come crashing down and everything would be up-ended. I’m not the same “Maggie” that I was a year ago. The Maggie who wanted the house to look just perfect for the holidays, who would drive all over town looking for the perfect fresh greenery. is gone. One of the many painful things for me after d-day was reviewing the phone records and seeing how often the whore texted my husband, all through December. Sometimes 20+ times per day. Even on Christmas Eve.

    We are going to a big Christmas party tonight that my niece has every year, except last year she didn’t because they had just had a new baby. I’m happy that we can go to her party tonight and I won’t be thinking “last year…” She has a beautiful new home, so it will be new and different.

    Safe travels! Thank you for your beautiful photography and poem.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I hope you had a wonderful time at your party. Thanks for the travel wishes, I am safely here in Tokyo.

      I am blown away that you are even able to unpack Christmas decorations. I was a total zombie for what seemed like two years. I remember how wonderful Christmas 2013 (just days before d-day) was with my family all around. We rented a beach house (right down the street from where our new beach house sits) and my parents brought a tree and lights. I brought boxes of unbreakable ornaments. We ate great food, did puzzles, walked the beach with the dogs, had Christmas together, everyone waking up in the same house on Christmas day including my little family plus my siblings… this had not happened since we were children. It was bliss. We decided to buy a beach house that week. I could not have imagined the storm that was about to hit my life and the destruction that would ensue. This will be the first Christmas since d-day that we will celebrate as a family again. Two years ago my parents were in Tokyo visiting my brother and his new baby. Last year BE had hip surgery and we stayed home while our kids went off to their grandparents, my brother did not fly in from Tokyo, so our family was again, incomplete. This year, we will all be together again, this time at our new beach house. We are finally putting the pieces back together again, but some parts of me damaged by the storm, will never be re-built. This is a new Kat and this new Kat is different. That is just reality.

      Regarding those damned phone records, I only had one year (of the eight that they communicated) but that one year was bad enough. The volume of calls and texts was sickening. And his recollection of how much they communicated was WAY OFF. Things will get easier. Hopefully the devastation of all the details has tapered off and you have started healing from the shock. It does get better, for sure, but of course, the reality of it all never truly goes away.

      I hope you can truly enjoy your holiday and focus on those things that really bring you peace. I have learned that cleaning out cupboards doesn’t really bring me the same kind of peace that just stopping, and sitting, and listening to a Christmas song while sipping a cup of tea brings me. I’m good with that. Much love to you this season. xoxo

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  3. Thanks for this post. It feels so Terribly lonely in my skin sometimes. I don’t fully recognize myself in the mirror. When you said u don’t know which Kat is more content I can really relate. I had “Santa Clause” syndrome b4 all of this. I believed everything people told me and trusted that people didn’t hurt the ones they loved. I try and remember he is damaged but now so am I. I can’t remember what thoughts filled my mind b4 this. Maybe life is more realistic now but I still miss the old me….. wish I had fancy new pair of rose colored shades!🤓

    Liked by 4 people

    • I always knew people hurt the ones they “loved,” as I had seen it a bit in my family and I had seen A LOT of it in my husband’s family. I now often question the meaning of love and feel that there are many broken people who have no idea what love (at least my definition of love) really means. I definitely had Santa Clause Syndrome (such a great term) with my husband. I simply did not think it possible that HE would betray ME. It still hurts my heart to think about it, so I have desperately tried to move forward and have been mostly successful, I think. When I am alone by my own choice, i.e., not feeling alone when I am with him, I rarely think about the betrayal. The somewhat dark poem that surfaced while I was at the beach house surprised me a bit as it was a beautifully sunny, bright day, and yet my feelings were less bright. I know my life is more realistic now, under the circumstances, but it is only because he was lying to me before that it wasn’t realistic then. I think my head was in the right place because I have never assumed the worst in people nor believed anyone had a reason to hurt me. That is the part that still bleeds, the part of me that knows I did nothing to deserve being treated so badly. This strange new part of me, the tentative part, the untrusting part, the cautious part, the somewhat less stable and more cynical part, frankly did not exist before. For that my husband will always be responsible. It still makes me sad some days. There are days where I have to wear those rose colored glasses, or I simply could not function! xoxo

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    • You know, PW, I love that idea! I bet we could write a helluva poem together! I made it safely to Tokyo, now hoping it doesn’t prompt any triggered posting! It certainly has the last couple times I have been here! xo

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