Anonymity is generally coveted on betrayed spouse blogs. Some of us are protecting the reputations of our husbands, because we want to. Because we believe in them and their ability to overcome whatever it was that drove them to their wretched cheating behavior in the first place. And if it is not their reputation we protect, perhaps we want to help them protect relationships. The relationships they have with their family…. people that are vulnerable, or people that might not understand why they did what they did. Or maybe we just want to protect others from being hurt, like our vulnerable children. To protect them from having to ask the question, why me? Why would you lie and do something you knew would hurt ME?
If it’s not their reputation we aim to protect, maybe it is our own. The world is a judgmental place. It is not fun to be blamed for someone else’s bad behavior. Maybe, just maybe, we were good, loving, compassionate, honest, reliable, hard working, loyal partners and we are not to blame at all. Why put ourselves out there in that capacity, to be judged and ridiculed. Maybe we just cannot handle the misplaced criticism from people we know. Unfortunately, we do receive a lot of this criticism on blogs from the world at large. Even as we type out our heartache, our story, we receive criticism in the form of comments on our blog, many of them written anonymously. Some even written in the name of “anonymous.”
I hate being anonymous. I remain somewhat anonymous on this blog because my husband asked me to, for now, respect the fact that most people do not understand sex addiction and while he is recovering, he would like to be able to control who knows and how they are told. Until discovery, he had no idea what was really wrong with him and he had no clue what sex addiction was. This is one of those things that unless you are living it yourself, it is pretty difficult to understand. I do respect his wishes. When people reach out to us by email, we generally share our identities, because we want people who are suffering to know that we are real, tangible people going through the same thing they are and we have found that not having to feel so alone can be a very healing component of recovery. Recovering from sex addiction, AND recovery from betrayal trauma.
I have been writing about my betrayal trauma for nearly three years, and I have been posting on this blog for over two years. With close to 5,000 comments, I know that a lot of people either don’t understand or don’t believe in sex addiction and that is not really my problem. I continue to live with a recovering addict, and so there is absolutely zero doubt in my mind that sex addiction not only exists, but it affects A LOT of people. I am not asking anyone to, in their own personal lives, believe my story or believe anything for that matter. I write my story here because it helps me heal. That is it. Unfortunately what does not help me heal is people who have not read my story, who do not want to try and understand, and who give totally unsolicited advice aimed at hurting versus helping. I am not asking anyone to solve the world’s problems, much less my problems, here on my blog. I do, on the other hand, LOVE the blogger friends I have met here. EVERYONE who reads my blog knows this. Having a way to talk out my fears, my frustrations, my anger, my excitement, my joy, my appreciation… with friends who generally get me, well, it’s like nothing I have ever had in my life prior to this. I have friends, yes. But I do not have any friends in real life that really understand from having lived it, what I am going through. Of course I don’t want them to have to understand through living it, our friendship is not about that. But here, our friendships ARE about that. I like to take any opportunity I can to thank my blogger friends.
Another thing most of you know about me is I do not delete comments. Early on I got up the nerve to answer blogger questions honestly and openly, even though the topics were generally about something I was still struggling with and for which I was ill equipped to handle on some days. I have come a long way since those early days of blogging, and the not so nice comments that would come through every once in a while. Those kinds of comments are really few and far between now and I have been responding to nearly all comments on my blog for quite some time.
Then, while sitting in a hotel room in Tokyo late last week, this comment “waiting approval” (for those of you who don’t blog, even if we don’t moderate comments, the first comment to be posted by a new commenter is always queued up for moderation) showed up in response to my ‘Living in denial’ post:
I read the comment and thankfully had no emotional reaction. I did have a choice at that point: 1) delete the comment (something I have never done), 2) post the comment and post a reply (something I have always done). And honestly, I also could have emailed back this person and told them to fuck off. But you see, the email attached to this comment doesn’t even look real. I mean, it looks totally made up in a random way. I guess I decided I needed to address what was written in the comment, but in Kat style, I decided to REALLY address what is written in the comment. I sat on it for a couple days, and now, this post. I have never, personally in my life, written a comment to anyone like the one above, anonymous or otherwise. I don’t think my blog (if a person actually takes the time to read even part of my blog) warrants such a comment by anyone. But, I do read a lot of comments written anonymously by what seems to be angry, judgmental people. You know, they are everywhere on the internet. Written in response to political Facebook posts, or articles about anything, even if only remotely controversial. It is like there are people so full of hate in this world, that they just sit around writing these comments, anonymously.
So here I am. Responding to anonymous on my somewhat anonymous blog. It sounds like I am “married to a narcissist, maybe even a socipath (sic).” Hmm. Okay. First, the DSM-5 criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (a very real thing) include (mayoclinic.org): 1) Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance, 2) Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it, 3) Exaggerating your achievements and talents, 4) Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate, 5) Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people, 6) Requiring constant admiration, 7) Having a sense of entitlement, 8) Expecting special favors and unquestioning compliance with your expectations, 9) Taking advantage of others to get what you want, 10) Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others, 11) Being envious of others and believing others envy you, 12) Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner.
I am very familiar with this list, and others, having looked at it numerous times in relation to my mother in law (whom I have written about numerous times on this blog), the person who raised my sex addict husband. Blue Eyes has been tested numerous times for all mental disorders including narcissistic personality disorder (and I have written about that here on my blog). Since discovery, Blue Eyes has spent many hours, thousands of questions, numerous questionnaires, with multiple therapists. Blue Eyes does not even come close to qualifying for, what seems to be the insidious diagnosis for cheating spouses, narcissistic personality disorder. It is true that all of Blue Eyes’ behaviors stem from having been abused as a child and from extremely low self esteem and low self worth. He sought attention from women to fill an empty void in himself. He does not think he is better than anyone else, quite the opposite. He is successful, but he did not seek success above all else. He used an addiction to cope with the fact that he never felt good enough, or successful, at all. It is true that Blue Eyes learned to put aside the feelings of others in order to feed his addiction, most addicts do this, feed their broken emptiness with their drug, to the exclusion of all else. It is the definition of an ADDICT.
Regarding Blue Eyes being a sociopath, perhaps you mean Blue Eyes has antisocial personality disorder? He doesn’t. Again, he has seen multiple therapists who have confirmed Blue Eyes is, in fact, an ADDICT. I have been in a relationship with my husband for nearly 33 years. I am not an idiot. My husband is a sex addict who hid his coping behaviors from absolutely everyone he knows. There was not one single person in his life who knew the truth about him. He is a loving, kind, intelligent, compassionate man. I wouldn’t have married him, or stayed married to him for decades if he exhibited dispassionate antisocial behaviors or attitudes towards me, our children, or anyone else for that matter. Blue Eyes hid his behavior because he hated his dark side and had no idea why he turned to it, at all. He never showed lack of remorse, he exhibited normal behavior, he was not an opportunist. Even when the truth was revealed, his sexual acting out behaviors were not opportunistic. He always doubted himself and everything he did. He even chose broken acting out partners who would never turn him away. They saw in him the same brokenness they exhibited themselves. A real fucking mess.
No, I have never considered that Blue Eyes says things to me now purposely to hurt me. He does not get a thrill out of abusing and hurting me. He feels deep shame and remorse whenever he does something that traumatizes me. If he didn’t, I would leave him. Have you ever even read my blog? He is not dumb when he brings up past events from which he draws good memories. He has a difficult time differentiating past behaviors. His memories are warped because of the sheer level of remorse and shame he feels about so many of his past acting out behaviors. Behaviors that started when he was 10 years old, or younger. He used these exaggerated good memories to help him live within his own hell, caused by repeated childhood abuse. He did the same with his acting out partner, creating false or exaggerated memories. Unfortunately, he is still recovering and unfortunately, him not being able to differentiate past experiences nor remember dates, times, etc… does cause me trauma. Hopefully one of these days in the not so distant future, both of us will have healed past this.
Thankfully, in your extremely hurtful and rude comment, you have it all wrong. Of this I have absolutely no doubt. My husband loves me, he cherishes me. He cares for me more than he probably should, to the detriment of himself sometimes. He IS a LIAR and an ADULTERER. No one disagrees with that. He is also a REMORSEFUL ADDICT who is in RECOVERY. He is not a wicked person. He is a SEX ADDICT.
The rest of your comment is worthless to me. Actually, it is all, to use your own word, “wicked.” You apparently lack compassion and also have not read my blog. That is clear. I have referenced narcissism nearly two dozen times on my blog. I have also said many times that sex addiction is not a way to blame something or someone else for the adultery, it is a path to recovery. Have you ever considered the fact that you are evil? Your comment is a cop out for not reading my blog and not caring about people who are trying to be better humans.
And that my friends, is why I hate being anonymous. I don’t ever want to use my semi-anonymous presence here for bad. Please call me out if I do that. Ever. Anywhere.
❤
try not to cry on my rainbow 
Bravo Kat! I give very little thought or credence to people who think they know what life with an addict is like. Unless you are a betrayed spouse, unless you have felt this particularly cruel pain, unlesss you have suffered this depth of devastation…then in my mind…shut up. No one, and I mean NO ONE, has the right to come into my life or onto my blog to advise me about my life unless they have known my pain or have real knowledge about sex addiction. Period. ❤
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Amen to that sister!!! And as far as the SA deniers… why? Why question someone else’s reality. It’s strange how adamant people are with their opinions without even knowing us. It always makes me question what I write, if I am somehow unclear with my story? I guess I have to believe their anger and denial has to do with something that happened to them in their life. They almost always just move on… but sometimes I do try to understand from an outsider’s view as betrayal trauma brings out a lot of pain and anger. Rightfully so. I would imagine they liken it to physically abused wives who stay… and if BE was not getting help, not in recovery, and not working so hard at his issues, I would have to move on.
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Absolutely..we’ve all heard the saying…I can live with an addict in recovery but not with one in denial.
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I am just now reading this post and the comments. I don’t have much to add to the many wonderful and insightful comments. I would like to comment that the consequences of sex addiction are horrible. Many have lost everything, including their freedom. I also reacted to the comment from anonymous that BE might have been intentionally trying to hurt you. Comparing my own situation I can honestly say I have done far more to intentionally hurt my husband through comments and actions caused by my pain at his betrayal than he has ever done to me. His acting out was never to intentionally hurt me. In fact, he never wanted me to know. Disclosures had to be dragged out of him. I, on the other hand, have yelled, screamed, called him names, etc. all coming from a place of pain for me but with the intent to hurt him. 😭
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Yeah, unfortunately they changed us with their behavior. I am finding myself again, but that instinct, to punish, is pretty strong in the first year or so. Of course they never wanted us to find out and they never wanted to hurt us… this is addiction. If they were horrible abusive people, we would not have married them. If they hated us and wanted out, they would have gone. I totally agree, Maggie. Anonymous got it wrong because Anonymous doesn’t understand sex addiction. Hugs your way! xoxo
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What I get from that comment is a person who is very angry and maybe recently hurt who is dealing with their crazy emotions. I know she is discussing a very personal subject, but I would not take this too personal. It’s just a bit crazed. You know how we are in the beginning… this person is projecting. Well, that’s my take on it. Of course it’s hard not to take it personal when someone calls the man you love evil. But I laugh because I feel like I know BE. He is a good man who has made some very poor choices in the past. We all are guilty of that to different degrees.
Nobody will ever know what it is to walk in your shoes, they can only guess, and this person was waaaaay off the mark!
❤❤❤
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I agree, C. And some would say don’t give that person any air time. But I am me and I love a good soap box! BE is a good man and actually to think of him doing something just to hurt me… that is about as far from who he is as humanly possible. You have seen how he likes to bend over backwards for me… that is not just since discovery. It still makes me sad he had to hide such a lonely, deceitful part of his life, but that is all over now. On to bigger and better things!!! ❤
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To someone who knows BE, that comment is absurd, plain and simple.
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I totally agree! I know he wanted me to post the comment… I wonder if he will comment in defense of himself. Probably not. I think anyone who reads my blog knows he is not a cruel man.
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My feeling is he should not feel a need to comment. He doesn’t owe anyone an explanation besides those he hurt.
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I don’t know where crucial came from, ha. I had to change it to cruel. He is not a cruel man. 🙂 And you are correct. He doesn’t owe anyone an explanation at this point. He continues to make amends to those of us he hurt.
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Oh no! I posted this on your previous blog! This was meant to be on the next blog post. And I hope the others reading and responding get that I am by no means comparing my life to your life. I am grateful for knowing you. Xoxo A
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At first I thought you were psychic! 🙂 Ha, I am sure most here do not know what you have been through, but I do. I respect you immensely and wish we lived closer so I could soak in more of your loveliness. Big hugs from across the country! xo
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I know I should take some time to digest this post to adequately respond to the significance of it- but I can’t. I have to thank you, Kat, for showing us how to love and how to respond, in very tough situations. You are a great model of self respect while having respect for others. No marriage is perfect and typical mishaps shouldn’t be compared to sex addiction…. but so many want to throw the towel in on the little stuff. You are an example that with dual respect and goals and work, there is a path out. A path that keeps you together, enjoying all this beautiful earth has to offer. Xoxo A
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Thank you, A. I truly do love my husband, of that I am sure. That leads me on my path of healing, and of being able to walk beside him as he recovers. I know life is hard, much harder for others than for me even… I know what you have been through and I respect the work you and your husband have done under the extremely difficult circumstances of your partnership. You are a glowing example of how hard work pays off. We have different stories, but I think perseverance is a good human quality. And I know we both love our men… all of them (and that’s a lot of good men 🙂 ). Much love to you and yours at this special time of year. ❤
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People who live shame based lives deal with these issues and feelings from early childhood:
Not worthy of love
Being berated for innocent childhood mistakes
Withheld affection
Intermittent affection
Silence
Yelling/screaming
Absent parent(s)
Undependable caregivers
Poor communication by caregivers
Acting out to get attention
The list is endless
BE must have been ashamed of himself from birth.
If you cannot find joy in life then you lose yourself in addictions. Adrenaline then takes the place of endorphins, dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin, the joy hormones. He was never allowed to feel deep happiness. He was never allowed to let his guard down.
Childhood should be a time of wonder and magic and bicycle rides and skateboards and going home to hugs and kisses and “I love you”. Did BE have this?
I knew a man who told me he did not have a single happy memory of his childhood. He killed himself with alcohol. He was in his 40s and his wife told me he was the kindest person she knew. He deserved better and so does BE and any child who is not given unconditional love.
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Thanks, Moi. I was in the middle of a response to your comment above, when I realized my comment was just getting to be too long. I hope you don’t mind that I am going to take your comment and my response and make a blog post out of them. Again, thank you so much for your insightful comment. I do appreciate the dialogue.
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I think it’s difficult to understand sexual addiction unless you’ve actually lived through it, and even then it’s not so much that you understand the addiction as much as you can understand how circumstances, progressively faulty thinking and poor decisions tcould lead to it.
It’s funny how people -can have such strong, critical opinions about things they don’t really get . I think, if they read a good portion of your blog, the commenter would realize that BE has done a lot of work to understand his past behavior and choices and that you have educated your self immensely to understand it as well!!!
This is a hard journey and it’s frustrating and disappointing. I had an experience with my H tonight that left me yelling- how could you not see that this is wrong!!!. I don’t think he was trying to be heartless or cruel but his thinking is still so flawed in many ways. The simple thing would be to say is he’s stupid but I know it’s more layered and complicated than that, and after some conversation he could see how his judgement was so off.
I wish he could just get it! I wish that we didn’t need to have these type of conversations almost 2 years later. It’s disappointing, and it hurts but it needs to happen and I think better things will come from it for our marriage in the long run and that’s what I’m keeping my eyes on! I’m glad you didn’t have an emotional reaction to that comment some people assume they know when they have no idea.
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Yeah, Kaye, the addict’s instincts are faulty and when they turn to them, which they naturally do, it usually doesn’t work well with those of us who live in the real world. The real world being the world where we understand the consequences of actions and don’t pretend that no one will find out about our mistakes and bad acts. I know I have based all my decisions on what my mother taught me… first, don’t hurt people (because we all know what it feels like to be hurt), second, don’t lie–people always find out and the lying is usually more destructive than the wrong we did in the first place. I mean, we all have lapses in judgment, but WE haven’t built our whole world around those faulty lapses. I know there are reasons why my husband did what he did, but I still don’t get the level of wrongdoing sometimes. And it does still hurt. Comments like the above are pretty much based on the concept that sex addiction is used as an excuse for bad behavior and the addiction is not real. I have spent the past nearly three years learning that it is real and it takes years to overcome and only if they work hard every day at recovery can they change their faulty patterns of behavior. No two lives are identical, and no two stories are the same. It doesn’t work when we try to put our own experiences onto someone else’s life. I guess until you do live through it, it is difficult to understand. But yeah, it is strange how people want to judge that which they don’t understand. But it does happen every day. Thanks for the comment, and the understanding. xoxo
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First off—GGGGRRRR I hate trolls. WTF?? Anon no one cares what your armchair opinion is of BE or Kat. This is Kat’s blog NOT yours!!! So ok you’ve learned about Narcs/Sociopaths and now you’re the expert dolling out your anecdotal evidence as you see it? Is there even the slightest chance you may be wrong and Kat may be right??
You know nothing except what you choose to believe in relation to sex addiction. If you’ve already made up your mind about the validity of SA, why are you here on Kat’s blog??? What is in your own pathology that stirs the need to correct other people and their education and assimilation of information? In other words: WHO MADE YOU THE BOSS????
AND you think BE really truly remembers every single place he went with whores, aka people.he.never.cared.about.anyway.???? Um, yeah I don’t think ANY man has that kind of planning and foresight. Unless you are a betrayed, which BTW I think you are a mistress (just my guess), or are an unfaithful you would KNOW about ethical amnesia and yes they do forget because they want to forget and besides BE is no spring chicken!!
I believe the Kitchen Street faux pas was just that. He did not put 2 and 2 together. He was hungry. He knew there was food on Kitchen Street. End of story. Kat put 2 and 2 together as betrayeds are prone to do and well the end result.
Sorry Kat, not finding blame. Just my take and could be totally wrong.
I’m sorry Kat to chime in, but I am so sick of everyone thinking it is their “duty” to set all we idiots straight. I see it all the time especially on social media. Jeez you make one political comment and can’t believe the nasty/threatening names and retorts that come out of no where! Anon’s comment was contentious at the very best and arrogant at the very least. How is it these people have the time, never mind the inclination to comment of something they don’t believe in? Why not hang with your own peeps!
I don’t know that much about SA, but I have learned a lot here from you and other sites. I admire how you handle your particular situation and much of what you do I try to apply to my own situation. I don’t use everything but some for sure. I’m still learning about SA as I am a naturally curious person. So carry on and screw the trolls!!
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Thanks, TH, for taking the time to comment. This aspect of blogging does get frustrating, but I am not unique. It eventually happens to most bloggers I would think. So many people out there judging another’s life story without living it. We all do it to a certain degree, but not all of us are out to deny another’s hard work and commitment, just because we can do it anonymously. The comment was pretty harsh, so I felt like getting up on my soapbox… again. 🙂 I also thought it might be a spurned home wrecker out for revenge. Someone who didn’t get what they wanted or needed and therefore does not want to see anyone happy, or wants to see a dedicated wife punished somehow? I love the “BE is no spring chicken” comment. Ha. So true! I am actually a little older than BE, but I have a memory like a steel trap, BUT I have not spent my life hiding behind lies trying to cover myself. I have just lived in the best way I know how. BE has lived in the only way he knew to survive, and that included trying to forget all the bad things he experienced and also the bad things he perpetrated. He’s working through it. I guess if the commenter hadn’t been so cruel and so off-base, I might have taken it a little more personally. The thought of my husband doing and saying things specifically to hurt and abuse me and make me suffer. Well, that is ludicrous. When we were on the plane coming home, I had a moment. I asked him how he could do sexual things to his acting out partner on a public plane and then go into the bathroom to wash up, look at himself in that big mirror in there, and not just collapse and crumble from the pressure of it all. The look on his face as I talked was one of utter shame. He had tears in his eyes as he just dropped his head down and stared at the floor. I need to stop doing that. Addiction is a beast of a disease in which they have to block out everything they know to be right and good in order to feed that demon inside. He hates himself for all of it. I know that. I need to stop punishing him, but sometimes I just have to get the poison out of my own head. I honestly could not live with myself if I had done what he did. But, I do want to see him live. I want him to get well, be well, and be happy. I know he thought it was the only way he could survive. I don’t want to see him in pain and hurting. Its a dilemma. Part of the consequences of his actions, but it still hurts so badly, for both of us. ❤
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Kat– I would never advise you. I get the questions and yes I agree maybe it’s time my friend 🙂 I think those kinds of questions are unanswerable at the very least and if probably were answered honestly would really piss you off because in the end we (wives) were the LAST thing they were thinking of!
Well it doesn’t take a man to be of a certain age to forget. That just comes naturally. However I do believe people who behave unethically are honest about their forgetfulness. Who would want to remember and besides as I said, she just wasn’t that special to take up that much space in his memory.
AND i’m not making excuses for him. I believe the ethical amnesia phenomena and I think BE has lots LOTS he needs to forget just to make it through. Yes we have to face our demons and own our mistakes. Good God I hope he’s done that by now.
Hugs to Kat.
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Thank you! Unfortunately he is still facing the demons. I know there are days when he still very much hates himself for what he has done. I can see it all over his face. He acts confused, ungrounded, disorganized, and closed off. Japan is especially difficult for me, but the honest truth is… we lived there together in the mid 80’s. We took our children there multiple times. We both chaperoned trips to Japan with our children. BE has been to Japan dozens of times over the years for business both with and without me. His brother lived there and was married there at one point. My brother has lived there for 23+ years. We have been there together three times in the past two years alone. I know it to be true, as you say, that she just did not mean that much to him and all the hundreds of experiences do blend together. I wish he hadn’t soiled the memories at all, but he did, it’s over, it should not hold any power for me anymore. I am not healed completely yet, but getting there and I can always use a little push in the right direction. Thank you for that. xo
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Honestly Kat you are a doll, I would’ve just gone with the ‘fuck off’ option. Somebody who takes the time to write this, is in my opinion, not going to care for a well balanced response. Well done you for taking the time, you have some good patience – where can I get me some of that?! 😘
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Ha, thanks Owlie. I’m not sure if it’s patience or stubbornness! I guess this post is not so much dedicated to this particular commenter, but in fact to all the people that would judge me for staying with my husband. They can kiss my ass! 💖
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And what an ass it is! 👏🏼 Good for you for not concerning yourself with the judgement of others, easy to sit up on high looking down on everyone else. What a trip you had, glad you got to eat some gorgeous food! 😍😁
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Yes, Japan has some fun stuff to eat, and I took full advantage! 😋
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The,first few times I read your posts I had a hard times understanding your husband’s addiction. Since all I knew were those addicts who were willing to discuss their issues on tv. These were the “poster children” of SA. They had lost jobs, families, homes because of it. Your blog and the spouses of other addicts straightened me out pretty quickly.
Perhaps looking at alcoholism and its different manifestations might help. I know a man who drank a few beers after work every day. He had done it for years. He had never missed work, or church, or other obligations. One Friday night he sat down on his porch and drank a six pack. He woke up the next day still in the chair. It scared him so he contacted a minister who sponsored AA meetings. He was told he was/is an alcoholic. The man promptly began going to AA meetings and has not had a drink in over 25 years. Another person might binge drink one weekend a month while another just keeps a buzz going all day. Each of these people is addicted to alcohol but their addictions present in completely different ways. This is why I think it is hard to accept that a sex addiction can be “managed” in such a way that it stays underground for years. If your childhood teaches you to keep secrets because of adults shaming you then you are well prepared for keeping them as grown ups because the shame and the addiction are still present.
We don’t owe our children all the worldy goods but we do owe them food, safety, nurturing and encouragement. We owe them our good word and we should never shame them. If we give them a loving environment they will develop empathy which is not completely incorporated until the late teens to mid twenties. Anything that interferes with that retards the maturity of the child. I would imagine shame(which is entirely different than guilt) is present in all addicts. Climbing out of that childhood pit of despair takes hard work.
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Yes, Moi. It is not that easy to understand without living with it and for some reason when we attach sex to addiction, people do not want to believe it? It is true that all addicts get a high from their drug. Sex, I think, is the easiest high to get… they don’t need to do much more than think about a person or a body part or a sex act to get a high. Until that hit isn’t enough and they need more. Escalation is often the path to hitting rock bottom (different for each addict), and eventually getting help. Just like the guy waking up on the porch. For my husband, it was finally ignoring the other woman’s blackmailing phone calls. He didn’t come clean himself, he let her do the talking. Terribly destructive, but it is what it is. He still got hits after being diagnosed. For months he still flirted, without even realizing he was doing it. Their brains are trained for the hit. It does take years of recovery, just like any other addiction. Personally I think the reason the reported success rate is so low with sex addicts is not because it is that much more difficult than any other addiction, but it is because they don’t actually take responsibility for all the pieces of the addiction. People don’t want to believe it is real, and therefore the addict uses that as an excuse for not getting help. They still lie and hide some of the things that allow the hits. That is different from other addictions. Cold turkey is a lot harder with sex addiction because it can be easily hidden, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t real. When we stop denying it, it is actually quite interesting to think about, and it does make sense. A coping drug that is easily accessible when they are young… then porn, also easily accessible and chronic, and then so many sex partners available at a moment’s notice, from the internet, or from their grooming habits. So many women believing that by giving a man sex they are cultivating a real relationship, or just the sex trade in general. It’s an ecosystem that feeds on itself. I think for any addiction the person has to acknowledge they have the addiction, and then be willing to actually change their behavior. Retrain their brain not to demand the hits. It is just not as easy as saying “I will stop the behavior because I now know it to be wrong and hurtful.” They knew it was wrong and hurtful all along, they just couldn’t stop without making necessary changes to their environment, their lifestyle, and the way they view themselves. I know my husband views himself as loathsome and shameful. He didn’t believe there was anyone like him, on the planet! Childhood abuse often starts the cycle of shame and self loathing, creating the need for a drug to soothe, but by the time they are adults, the need for the drug has become second nature. I agree, changing that is tough, lifelong work. I have never really seen a sex addict on television talking about it, to be honest. I’m not sure where I would see that. I guess I don’t watch a lot of that kind of TV. I do know, however, from recent experience that you’re right, addicts come in all shapes and sizes and experiences. If I had been a different person, my husband would have lost me and potentially the love of our children. If he had been in a different career, and had been viewing porn on someone else’s computer (that was monitored) he may have lost his job. If he had made passes at women at work (we have no other women at our company than me) and they viewed it as harassment, he may have lost his career. All circumstances are unique. My husband now knows a lot of men who lost everything, and he knows a lot that are just like him. The first ever sex addict meeting he went to was midday on a Saturday. There were over 50 people there at that one meeting. There are meetings all over town every day. Who knew? This is real and it doesn’t help when people deny the reality. I still have a hard time with the deniers. I am not sure of the motive of someone denying someone else’s addiction? Admitting a person is an addict is no fun. They still have all the baggage they created, PLUS the recovery process. As you say, a lot of addicts lose everything, straight away… how is that a plus? Thanks so much for commenting. I appreciate that you stuck with me during this hard fought battle.
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Oh my God! This is fucking gold! The passion, but most of all the sensible argument you make here. I LOVE this post! Why do other people feel they have the right, the appropriate information, the knowledge, to advise us about the lives WE live, the realities WE face, with the professional advice and well-researched information WE have gleaned? As you know, I recently had a similar experience with a commenter. Just odd.
Bloody brilliant response 💖💖💖
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Thank you! Like you, I had to get it out. This particular comment just seemed overly evil, so therefore it gets its own post? Not sure that is justice served, probably should have just deleted it, but it is a reminder that even the words of anonymous commenters can be terribly destructive and hurtful. I guess I am standing up here for what is right. The commenter is not going to just get away with it. Although I doubt that person would ever come back to check my blog anyway. That’s okay, good even. Stay away, far far away!
I’m not convinced my commenter was from America, otherwise I would blame it on the obvious political climate and hate spewing going on around us over here. It is not nice and it is not fun and I cannot imagine it lasting for four years. Where is that darn time machine when I need it… again! 😉 ❤
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