I cried, just a little…

Artist, Margarita Georgiadis

Artist, Margarita Georgiadis.

I’m taking a break from my vacation travel posts to focus on the reality of today. We have been going through some stressful shit. I’m doing my best to not let it get to me, but then I realize although Blue Eyes wants for us to share in the handling of this rather unfortunate circumstance in our life, I don’t want to. I wasn’t part of the creation of this mess, and I strongly feel that I shouldn’t have to be in the middle now.

I never used to be cut and run because “before” I was in charge of everything. More than not wanting to be in the middle of this mess now, I don’t have the energy. As the stress of the situation overwhelmed me yesterday, I cried, but just a little. No sobbing, no wailing, no hiding my head in my pillows or retreating to my closet. I cried sad tears of emptiness. The empty place is where my “can do” attitude used to live. This feels a little like mild depression, I think. I don’t know. The after shocks of the betrayal are still relatively new to me. I know I’ve changed, but it’s not always easy to explain.

I know Blue Eyes is incredibly stressed out by this predicament as well. But I refuse to be who I was before. I refuse to take on the burden of the problem so that Blue Eyes doesn’t have to deal with it, so he can just go about his daily duties at work, or wherever, unencumbered by reality. That was the old me. He took advantage of the old me. It did not work in my favor, in the end.

I mean it all sounds good and fair, share the burden, right? We’re in this together and all that. BUT, that scorekeeper inside my head says, I’m out. I am way ahead in this game. I’m gonna sit on the bench for a while.

26 thoughts on “I cried, just a little…

  1. I’m sorry but don’t u all wish we could bitch about something as inane as “you burned the damned chicken honey!” Haha. I’m just looking for some humor in all this dog 🐢 shit πŸ’©

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    • Yes, wouldn’t that be nice if leaving the toothpaste cap off, incorrectly loading the dishwasher, and forgetting to take out the garbage were their worst traits. It’s amazing what I can ignore these days from sheer exhaustion! πŸ™‚

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  2. I want to run away. But I constantly get a nagging feeling that the adult thing 2 do is sit and communicate. Problem is, he has no tools to do that….maybe if I sat naked & tried I would
    Have more success. Things are fine when I am fine and internalizing everything. God forbid, I have a trigger and want to ask painful questions. He never wants to revisit his shit. I don’t even want details I just want some clarity about “why???” I don’t know if I’m cut out for this. And I feel really sad that this person I have loved may be incapable of true intimacy. I need a yoga instructor/counselor/lobotomist on call.

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    • This is me right now. Wanting to run away. I constantly internalize everything to keep the peace. And there must be definitely something in the air because I felt I was doing pretty good and then something triggers me. I so understand the empty feeling Kat. I don’t know what happened to the fierce, determined, bold woman I used to be. I’m just “here” in this space getting through day by day. I don’t know if I’m cut out for this either Wow. Why did they have to go and break our hearts like this???

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    • Yes, ‘things are fine if I’m fine and internalizing everything’, that’s exactly how I feel, but as soon as I try to talk about his shit that he​ caused, and nope, he shuts down, gets defensive, gets angry. I am so tired of him doing it, I wonder too if he is even capable of doing/being what I want/need. If he isn’t, I have zero desire to stick around for him to keep using me.

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    • If you sat naked, I would imagine he would have even less ability to focus on communication, LOL. I can say though from having a little more time in this BS prison, that it eventually does get better. Once they have metabolized some of that shame, they are able to sit with it and actually talk. At least that is my experience with BE. I thought for a long time that BE was unable to show compassion only to me. He could do it for others, I would see that, he cried for our children, he commiserated with his 12 step buddies, but me, the wrongs he committed were overwhelming. It took time for him to face everything he had rationalized, all the excuses, and all the bad. He eventually did it though, little by little. On my darkest days, however, he will not go in there with me to that place of pain. He’ll sit with me, but he won’t go in there. He has his own pain… too much of it, and I know he will explode. It’s okay now. Now that I have released myself from his addiction and now that I trust him again. He’s not perfect, no one is, but he is still working every day to be better. That’s all I ask. xx

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  3. What I have trouble grasping is how my husband could hide so well his cheating, for so many long YEARS, so ‘eloquently’, so ‘faithfully’ but, when it comes to every day things that need to be taken care of, done, simple things that I have been doing for him for 20 years, now that he​ is being expected to take care of those things, be a responsible adult… Well, that is just too much, it never gets done on time and sometimes never at all. But I am with you, keeping score and I am no longer coming to his rescue. He is struggling so much with that. So much so that he retreats for days… Yet, if I did that when I was going through rough times that he created and I was having to clean it up, well, I wasn’t allowed to retreat for days. It’s so one sided it really pisses me off!!

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    • It is completely infuriating. I agree with Moi, saying no is freeing. For me it has just taken a while to realize I can do that without feeling guilty. The cheating behavior is so self serving. They want to be able to do what they want to do and if they can’t, they act like children. Meanwhile, we did and did and did for everyone. We set a precedent, but we can break it. It’s been nearly three years since the trauma therapist enlightened me on how much I was compromising myself by cleaning up messes for my husband. Am I finally just starting to get it? It’s not that they can’t do these things and do them well, they just don’t want to. Boo hoo. I may have to suffer some unwanted consequences of backing away, but it will be worth it! xx

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  4. Is the moon having a meltdown too!!?!? I was doing so well I thought…..

    Hate that he is not forthcoming and procactive with things. I feel like I have to ask questions in 50 different ways to get the straight truth! I did take an apartment by myself in the city. I hate to say this but sometimes his presence sets me off… like “who in thee fuck do u think u are?!!!!!” What the hell was he thinking??? I know the addict shit but my god, he had to do a lot of work to make it all happen- and some part of him realized I was on the other side of it. Tonight I call bullshit and a part of me wishes I had this tenacity to get the hell out & find a new real honest happy.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh damn! This is a shit journey! I know those pissed off feelings intimately. Glad you have a place of your own. Hopefully the alone time will prompt some action on his part. I remember the 50 questions game, it’s enough to drive you insane. You always have choices. His actions will most likely guide your ultimate path, in or out! In the meantime, treat yourself well. You deserve it! xx

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  5. Wow, wow. I am going through a very similar section on my own path – having to deal with shit I didn’t cause, that wouldn’t have happened had I been involved. I did take a different approach and using this as a jumping board back into ‘life’ and ‘self-confidence’ after the SA trauma had been holding me hostage for too long – I would like to believe I’m taking advantage of the situation for my own benefit, just because of the specific set of circumstances I am in, but in my worse days this is hard crap to deal with, on top of all the core problems… hang in there Kat – and enjoy the beach house. Aww, I love the beach house!

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    • Hey MWS, I have read your blog (not completely caught up yet, but close) and your predicament is a bit different from mine. You are young and working hard on saving a potentially bad/dead deal your H got you into? I say go for it! Light a fire under that shit!!! I, on the other hand, have been cleaning up my husband’s messes for years. Now I’m tired! This is good for BE to clean up his own mess this time, he’s equipped to do it. It’ll work out. I just don’t want to feel bad about not helping. Then again, I have to live with the outcome. Sounds like you enjoyed your time in SFO? xx

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      • Don’t feel bad at all for not helping him! Especially if the trend used to be that you had been cleaning up after him. This is your way of “not yelling” now (reference to your other comment), you are enforcing a boundary for your wellbeing – that’s how I see it anyway. Easier said than done but if anyone you can do it. Agree on what you said above – I’m lighting a fire under my shit (or my husband’s shit) because in my circumstances that helps me get out of an emotional ditch of not knowing what I can do not who I am. For me, it is an opportunity to ACT, for you it’s an opportunity to NOT ACT. I’m starting to see what you’ve been saying for a while now: even if our journeys (of all betrayed spouses I’m talking here) are very similar in many ways, how we see certain events can be vastly different, based on our specific life circumstances, and as such the action that helps us move along the way can also be very different. I’m embracing this knowledge now. It’s harder a concept than “choosing the right thing”, because I think we are wired for preferring certainty of one right path instead of “anything works if you make it work”. Which is, if I take one more step back, funny because the latter should be what is easier not the first. Yet another strange thing we humans force ourselves into and instead of making our lives easier we make it more complicated. Enough of ruminating – beach house rules. Have you used your art space yet? Would love to see what “Kreative Kat” (sorry!) does with paint. πŸ™‚ hugs

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        • Okay, so I have read through this comment a couple times making sure I understand. You are taking control of your life in a way that empowers you. YES! We own our life and the choices we make thusly. We do each have unique circumstances, but the common thread is that we all have the power to make our life what we want it to be. Sometimes we feel compelled by outside sources to handle things one way or another, but in the end, it’s just us. Sometimes we have to let go of previous hopes and dreams to make new ones happen. There is no certainty in any path and we do make mistakes. That’s why they call it a journey not a destination. I think the trauma sucks the life out of our confidence in ourselves and it takes a while to get it back and to stop focusing on what our partners are doing, but indeed, do what is best for us. It’s good to talk it out.

          So, I have not used my art loft yet. I have, however, moved all my supplies over there and am planning an extended trip to set things up and get going. I am actually in search of a sketch class right now. I am a process oriented person and I have some goals, but the beach house is the answer to getting my creative ideas flowing again. I will certainly post some pictures when I have actually done something! Hugs back, xx.

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  6. Yeah, I wonder if we will ever get rid of those dark cloud moments. They are less and less, but they are still there. Maybe that’s just life. Maybe we all have something that looms over our heads and occasionally pours. I wish I was there so at times like these we could go out and do something fun together … of course there is always Paris ❀️

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  7. Geez there must be some kind of cloud over all of we BS because I am in the exact same spot!!! I’m seriously considering renting an apt in Chicago and moving there. Were it not for my grandson I would do it today. I am in the middle of a huge mess business wise and my h has created all of it!!! He drug me into his business after the affair bullshit and I am stuck here and I fucking hate it!!! Part of it due to if he hadn’t been fucking around and paying attention instead to his business we wouldn’t be in this mess!!!

    I am so pissed and fed up with dealing with his shit in business as well as his personal issues. Yeah, yeah better or worse but I’m sick and tired of the worse. Where the hell has the better part gone???

    Good Luck Kat. I haven’t cried but I sure as hell want to scream! Fuckers!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Sigh, TH. I’m just tired of it all, I guess. Transitioning back after vacation was moderately difficult what with jet lag, but this is something else. If I had been involved in this deal from the beginning, this wouldn’t have happened. Not being arrogant, just real. I was kept out and Blue Eyes didn’t watch the store, as they say. He’s going to have to learn how to take care of things on the back end, by himself. I’m planning on heading to the beach house soon… it’s a damn safe haven over there at this point! And it’s true, affairs are a way to check out of reality in a totally fucked up way. There.are.consequences!!! xx

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      • Yep and sometimes we just have to sit with it. I’m glad you get to go to your beautiful beach home to get away. A change of scenery can do a world of good. Post more pics. I loved seeing them a few months back. Hang in there.

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