I’m taking a break from my vacation travel posts to focus on the reality of today. We have been going through some stressful shit. I’m doing my best to not let it get to me, but then I realize although Blue Eyes wants for us to share in the handling of this rather unfortunate circumstance in our life, I don’t want to. I wasn’t part of the creation of this mess, and I strongly feel that I shouldn’t have to be in the middle now.
I never used to be cut and run because “before” I was in charge of everything. More than not wanting to be in the middle of this mess now, I don’t have the energy. As the stress of the situation overwhelmed me yesterday, I cried, but just a little. No sobbing, no wailing, no hiding my head in my pillows or retreating to my closet. I cried sad tears of emptiness. The empty place is where my “can do” attitude used to live. This feels a little like mild depression, I think. I don’t know. The after shocks of the betrayal are still relatively new to me. I know I’ve changed, but it’s not always easy to explain.
I know Blue Eyes is incredibly stressed out by this predicament as well. But I refuse to be who I was before. I refuse to take on the burden of the problem so that Blue Eyes doesn’t have to deal with it, so he can just go about his daily duties at work, or wherever, unencumbered by reality. That was the old me. He took advantage of the old me. It did not work in my favor, in the end.
I mean it all sounds good and fair, share the burden, right? We’re in this together and all that. BUT, that scorekeeper inside my head says, I’m out. I am way ahead in this game. I’m gonna sit on the bench for a while.