Grounded

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Things are changing. We march on…

The doc did not want me flying. Truthfully though, I think she realized I would push myself too much and wouldn’t be keen on sitting around a hotel room in the middle of San Francisco. I called her office on Tuesday afternoon and spoke with her medical assistant. I explained about my concussion and specifically asked if flying was okay. The assistant called back and said the doctor wanted to see me the next day. She would have seen me that day, but she was already gone from the office. Apparently the flying part got left out of the assistant’s conversation with the doctor. After seeing the doc and doing well on her cognitive tests, I thought I was good to go. I was able to recite multiple 8-digit numbers backwards on command–she was impressed. I guess a lot of people can’t do that on their best of days, haha. Blue Eyes was there and he looked a bit fuzzy with the questions I was being asked. As I was putting my coat on, I said to the doc, “It’s okay for me to fly to San Francisco then. And do you think it will be okay for me to walk around by myself even if I’m still a little dizzy.” She looked at me with that kind of wait, whoa, back up a minute, what are you talking about? expression on her face. I told her the specific reason I had called (and she had wanted to see me, I thought) was because I was scheduled to get on a plane with Blue Eyes six hours later and then spend three days in San Francisco. She said no. No she didn’t want me to fly. She wanted me home and resting. Blue Eyes and I just stared at her and then at each other. So many things going through both of our minds.

As we walked out of the doctor’s office, Blue Eyes asked if I was still going with him anyway? He wanted me to, and I really wanted to, but I trust my doctor knows what’s best for me and I told him no. He had booked us in a beautiful hotel in the middle of the city (versus something less wonderful and excruciatingly overpriced in the valley), and for three nights so we didn’t have to fly too early and we even had time on Saturday to do something together. The trip hit all the post discovery boxes for me. Four years later, we still have boundaries. Blue Eyes thanked me for trusting him enough to let him go it alone. But now that I wasn’t going, it seemed silly for him to be there that long (and maybe a teeny bit triggering for both of us). He changed his flights around and will now be in San Francisco for one night. The timing is not great for a trip alone and he has only made a handful of these types of trips since discovery over four years ago. I’m not worried for him. I know he won’t turn into a raging Mark Ruffalo type out of control sex addict (‘Thanks for Sharing’) overnight. I do picture that scene a lot though, where he has the TV taken out of his room and then proceeds to watch porn on his laptop and then calls a prostitute. OY. I know business is stressing Blue Eyes out right now. It’s almost too good, meaning he is super busy (and doing an amazing job) so of course failure is right around the corner (in his warped mind).

I’ll be fine tonight. I won’t sleep well. I never do when we are apart. He probably won’t either, but I am good. Four years ago I was traumatized by the thought of him being away. It was a huge trigger. For pretty much three solid years, we weren’t apart at night. We have that luxury because our kids are grown and I work for our company. Today is less a trigger than annoyance that I don’t get to go to San Francisco. I ❤ San Francisco! Spoiled much? I guess that’s a bit of healing.

Before discovery I had no problem with him traveling without me. I liked my time alone, to be honest. Blue Eyes can be tough to live with and I long for order and process and a clean house and sometimes it’s good not to rely on him for things. I wished he had contacted me more and appeared to at least be interested in what was going on at home with me and the kids, but as I have said numerous times, he was pretty wrapped up in his addiction and traveling allowed him to get hit after hit. And I thought he was working. Silly old me. I’m sure a heroine addict lying in an alley shooting up is not thinking about calling the wife to see how little Timmy’s baseball game went. I have to be realistic here. Addiction is addiction.

Being on the screens too long does funny things to my brain these days, so I’m outta here.  But first, this is the text I received upon waking up this morning:

Kat, as I fly high in the sky I think of you and everything you are and how my world does not work without you. I think of us and the world we have and are creating and I thank my lucky stars. Just want to let you know how much I am missing you and how I appreciate you letting me journey out to take care of business. With so much love and gratitude and thankfulness. Yours.

Before discovery, I did not receive texts like the one above. My place in his life was a given. I was taken for granted and I played my part well. So much has changed. If I had never found out about his addiction, I never would have received the kind of love, attention, and devotion I deserve as a faithful, loving and loyal partner. Some days I really wonder what was wrong with me. How did I not know what I was missing? Ah, a topic for another day perhaps…

 

13 thoughts on “Grounded

  1. I’m glad you have a thick forehead. lol Seriously, your tumble could have been something even more serious and that could be serious. I’m serious! Guess I’m feeling a little “funny” today. hehe I hope you and your wonderful brain heals well. I had multiple concussions from a car accident in 2013 and I was calling a pen “the, the, the thermometer” and stuff like that. I lost words for a while. Scary! I’m glad you listened to your doctor as well.

    “How did I not know what I was missing?”

    I’ve pondered this one and beat myself up quite a bit over not seeing it. Just in the past week, I’ve realized that, for me, it was like water dripping on a rock slowly, slowly over time causing slight erosion. For us, eventually, a small crack formed, and then a tremendous crack split the rock open after water trickled in and froze.

    p.s. I heard chocolate heals the brain. It’s not fake news!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m glad you are in a funny mood today. Funny is good in my book. Yesterday I was telling my son about a restaurant BE and I ate at that has very few seats, two tables of four plus a low bar area with four seats and a high bar with four seats. I said so basically the restaurant holds, and I said out loud 4 times 4…. and seriously I was having trouble remembering what 4×4 was and so I just counted out every seat separately in my mind. He just looked at me and said obviously you are still suffering from a concussion if you can’t even multiple 4×4. I guess it comes and goes. Today was all about a piercing headache. I’m so stir crazy I was actually thinking that running sounded like a good idea and I HATE running and I have a torn meniscus, ha. Crazy!

      I guess I was basically trained from an early age to be a care giver and that permeated everything in my life. I really needed BE to be there for me and instead he used me often times like a “hired” wife, mother to his kids, cleaner and mother substitute for himself. It amazes me how clueless I was. I really should have expected more. Now I expect a lot.

      And chocolate…. my one true love! ❤

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  2. Sorry you missed out on the SF trip, but glad you listened to the doctor. Sensible girl!

    BE seems to be trying very hard. Sort of good that he gets this chance to prove it, but I do understand the fear of a night apart. OH and I haven’t spent a single night apart since DDay nearly 4 years ago.

    Great text. OH writes me stuff like that on little notes. Sometimes I appreciate it and other times I am just “Meh. Whatever!” depends on my mood!!!! *LOL*

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sometimes I hate being sensible! 😉 It’s funny because my mother and step father have been married for nearly 50 years and I don’t think they’ve ever spent a night apart. For me and BE, nights apart were just part of the deal. Lots and lots of them. Plus the times we actually lived apart. His career was so important to him and I wanted him to have that. After discovery I realized it was like giving him an invitation to behave destructively. BE has written me so many poems and texts and emails and such, and at the beginning I was begging him to just say the words out loud to my face. The writing everything down seemed so self serving. He could feel good about just writing about me without having to interact with me. Now he is much more open and communicative and so the texts aren’t triggers anymore, but at one point in time I wanted to throw my phone across the room and run away from home. xo

      Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, things are working and he was and is a sweet person and a good guy deep down there past all the dysfunction and trauma and wounds. He’s working hard and I know he considers our continuing partnership part of his reward. I’m doing pretty good too, other than the knock on the noggin. It is a very good thing I’m thick headed. Apparently if you are going to take a blow, the forehead is a decent place. 🙂 ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  3. We never know, right? This could be an elaborate act on his part to distract or convince. I take everything with a grain of salt, but this is definitely a different spouse than the one who walked out the door for 20 years without even a quick kiss goodbye and then didn’t contact me for 5, 7, 10 days at a time. I do see someone who wants a better life. I’ve thrown the rose colored glasses in the trash, so we shall see.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. “I was taken for granted and I played my part well.” Yup, that hit home. I received calls often, and nice cards on the holidays. But I didn’t get gushing texts like that. What I did get feels – now – like it was all just a canned act (look at my left hand while you ignore what I’m doing with my right hand). You are fortunate.

    Liked by 1 person

    • We never know, right? This could be an elaborate act on his part to distract or convince. I take everything with a grain of salt, but this is definitely a different spouse than the one who walked out the door for 20 years without even a quick kiss goodbye and then didn’t contact me for 5, 7, 10 days at a time. I do see someone who wants a better life. I’ve thrown the rose colored glasses in the trash, so we shall see.

      Liked by 1 person

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