But why?


I’ve done it again. I have to say this is one of the main reasons I don’t follow a lot of blogs. I was reading a blog by a betrayed spouse and I looked down her ‘Blogs I read’ list (of course this is absolutely 100% my own fault) and noticed multiple blogs written by mistresses. I’ve written numerous times about being totally tormented and sickened by reading mistress blogs. It is extremely difficult for me not to imagine it is the other woman writing about her relationship with my husband. The mistresses tend to try and ward off potential judgments by saying they beat themselves up enough and therefore they will not entertain negative comments on their blog. Or sometimes they just say that they didn’t make any promises to the guy’s wife, so they should not be held accountable. Whatever. The quantity of excuses for bad behavior these days is simply mind blowing.

I understand not wanting to get into an argument with a complete stranger about said complete stranger’s relationship with another complete stranger, someone else’s husband. Not my husband–and not the other woman in my life. It’s still difficult to read because so many of the blogs sound so familiar. Just like betrayed spouse blogs sound so familiar. We actually were really great wives. We do have sex with our husbands, or we want to… maybe, just maybe, this is not our fault. Maybe, just maybe, our man is lying to everyone because he doesn’t want to deal with his own demons, not our demons, his demons.

It is rare that I read a mistress blog where she actually questions the validity or truth to what these guys are saying. The mistresses simply put out, a lot apparently (do they think writing about writhing on the floor in ecstasy experiencing multiple orgasms, or having anal sex with a married man is appealing, in any way????), and they believe everything the man says… until that is, things start to go awry. Then they start to question the stories. And, betrayed wives aren’t the only ones trying to fill in the blanks by social media stalking our theoretical enemy. The other woman in my life, someone I had no idea existed, religiously read my family blog in order to find out things going on in my husband’s life. She would actually get angry with him when she saw that we had been on a family trip together? I didn’t know she existed and yet somehow I became the enemy. Apparently I wasn’t a good wife. But the thing is, I was a good wife. And I believe there are a lot of good wives out there. If we’re not good wives, FUCKING LEAVE US, don’t cheat on us you pansy-ass bastard. We’re still human beings worthy of being treated with respect and kindness for fuck’s sake.

I now know, intimately, what was wrong with my husband and why he did what he did, and what is wrong with many other men. Whether it be full on sex addiction or some other embodiment of wounds, or brokenness or selfishness or arrogance, or whatever, the men are the ones with the problem. They are the ones behaving badly. And the mistresses too. If they know they are a mistress, if they know that man is married, they are behaving badly. They are culpable. So, when that sick in my gut, flush in my forehead feeling subsides as I read about mind blowing sex and much talk about how the wife doesn’t satisfy the cheating man’s needs (where’s that vomiting emoji when I need it?), I am now just plainly left with the question… but, why? Why have sex with a married man? That’s it. He’s not yours and probably never will be. It’s most likely going to end badly, statistics prove that out. The mistress is going to be left miserable and alone. So, why? What do they hope to gain?

After 4 1/2 years of dealing with this mess, I guess my question is rhetorical?

29 thoughts on “But why?

  1. I think such women are pathetic and pitiable. I understand, totally, feeling angry. It breaks basic human decency to have sex or even become emotionally involved with a man you know is married. But I also think that they are so insecure, so absolutely desperate for some kind of validation, that they convince themselves that the fact a married man is with them (read: USING THEM) means they are that much more desirable. All of us want to be loved and found lovable. I feel sorry for the women my husband used as part of his sex addiction. They are despicable, certainly, but they are not my competition. I think they were likely also sex addicts. I hope they realize they need to get help. I can’t imagine having such bad self-esteem that they’d feel better, instead of worse, because someone was using them.


    • I hear you!!! And feel exactly the same way. They need help. It’s such a horrible pattern that broken people tend to just repeat the pattern of abuse by treating other people poorly and leaving a mess in their wake. Sad. xo

      Liked by 1 person

  2. In what may be the very definition of irony, as I read down through the comments and got to the bottom here is what WordPress suggested I read next:

    British widow has revealed why Valentine day is the best day to be a mistress

    Uh… yeah… no thanks. I’ll pass. I just do not get the fascination with being the third (or 4th, or 5th, or…) wheel in a marriage. And the abject denial about the fact that the cheating spouse is likely lying to them too? Priceless.

    Paula has it right: “Be a fucking decent human.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • So sorry. I think I need to re-up my upgraded membership to get rid of that shit at the bottom. The credit card I used a couple years ago was updated and so my membership payment was probably rejected. I haven’t been paying attention, but BE noticed that also last night and thought it exceptionally inappropriate. Obviously WP’s algorithms aren’t very sophisticated. Reading that drivel is what gets me all riled up in the first place! Thanks for reminding me to take care of that, if I can! Blech! ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  3. They have their own set of issues that translates into total lack of respect for others, and themselves. Our therapist said early on that 2s don’t attract 10s. The only reason my husband connected with her was because they were both 2s. The women with their shit together, like the waitress, say not interested. They are broken. If their actions were so devastating, I would almost feel bad for them.

    We wrack our brains and waste SO MUCH energy and peace trying to figure out how someone could do it. We don’t get it, because we aren’t that person. Even in the depth of our darkness in this shit storm of infidelity – we didn’t cheat. We pulled our big girl (or boy) pants on and dealt with our pain. We sat in our own puddle of misery and despair. We cried ourselves to sleep and ran out of tears. We’ve felt our hearts shatter and experienced our worlds fall apart. We have lived in the pain. And we are still here and each of us is stronger for it. Because of who we are. We are not them. We will never “get it” because cheating or being the OW is just not us.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I agree, 100%. I had a commenter come onto my blog once and say it was twice as difficult being the mistress because not only did she realize she was hurting another woman, but she was also in pain? I was so confused as to how she could not see that SHE was causing ALL the pain and she didn’t have to, so how could it be worse for her. She knew what she was doing, she made horrible choices. I was left to deal with my husband’s and other women’s horrible choices, without having a say. Sometimes I really don’t get people. It is so true that we would never do what they did, so it is difficult to fathom how adults can make such horrendous choices. xo


    • I love this, HTH! YES! And that goes for anyone who leaves for another person. Sit by yourself. Feel the damn pain. Work out how to be better. Do better. Without being propped up by the adrenaline rush of ‘love’ or ‘lust.’ Be a fucking decent human. Don’t swap out one carer for another! Stand up and be an individual. Not half of a couple.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. All of the women Mr. P cheated with knew about me. Stupid c*nts. How can there be so many of them? It is certainly disgusting.

    The only reason I can grin is due to the fact that they are alone, miserable, and nothing they had could even come close to me – and they know it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • There are a lot of desperate women, aren’t there? It’s one of the reasons I find those mistress sites so infuriating. They try to take something that is so disgusting and void of any decency and make it into something exciting and romantic. Excuse me, but no. They can write about “hot sex” and “orgasms” and how great they are and how awful the wife is, but in the end, they are free prostitutes providing a service to broken men who, as it stands, are not viable partner material anyway. Once these guys figure out how messed up they are, many of them find the other women horrifying. At least that is how it is over here.

      And, if they were half the women we are, they wouldn’t be so desperate that they stoop to having secret sex with married men… and you are right, they know it. xo

      Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s one thing if the man is a pig…like Scott Peterson and lies about being married. It’s another thing when the tramp knows the man is married and even worse when she knows his wife.
    I know some women are able to forgive but to me…it was the unpardonable sin.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I agree, when there is a level of plausible deniability I can kind of understand how it happens although I’m pretty sure if I was out in the dating world, I would know if a guy was married or not. There is just too much on the internet these days… and until those divorce papers are officially signed, they’re married. But the women who stab other women in the back, knowingly, well, as they say, there’s a certain place in hell for that kind of person. I have never even entertained forgiving the other women as I have no reason to. I do not have a relationship with them in any way and I would find it hypocritical of me to forgive a woman who threatened and stalked me. I have on the other hand forgiven my husband because he is seeking recovery and a life free from abuse and betrayal. Otherwise, hasta la vista, baby… don’t let the door hit you in the butt on the way out. Cheaters, OY!!!! xo

      Liked by 2 people

      • I think I would have known, too. Or I could have been like the tramp and asked. When the answer was “yes”, I could have squealed “ooooh! I’ve never done the married man thing before.”
        Right…like anybody but Loser believes that.
        I’ll never forgive his other women and I’ll never forgive him.
        The way I see it… he’s got exactly what he deserves….life with a tramp…whose bills he’s having to pay. 😜


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  7. You are so right, it’s so wrong! Yes these women don’t owe any loyalty to me and my husband is the arsehole who broke the trust in our relationship but they are not blameless either! What sort of a person does that?

    I’m not proud of it but I actually messaged one of the horrible women my husband cheated with just after I’d had our daughter and told her she is the lowest of the low. What kind of a woman has sex with a man she knows is married with two kids? Not someone with loads of self esteem that’s for sure! He kept telling her she was a mistake and he’d never leave me but she kept going back for more! I know I’ve said it before but nobody is winning here!

    That was then and now things are different. He’s so ashamed of what he did and he’s working on his own demons in a productive way. Such a shame we had to go through all the heartache to get here though!

    I sometimes think about them, the other women, and how they are likely still fucked up and not dealing with their underlying issues. Maybe even in the process of breaking some other woman’s heart. 😢

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m so glad things are different for you and that your husband is tackling his demons, for your sake, but also for his. I always said to my husband… whether I stay or go, he still needs to fix what is broken in him or he will forever be miserable with or without a partner. The way he was, he was not relationship material for anyone, not me, not our children, no one. The crazy thing about the other women is while they are potentially helping rip apart a marriage, they are also abusing themselves. Being a mistress is a thankless position to be in. Again, why??? I really don’t get it.

      Liked by 2 people

  8. This, this, this! A mistress is a pathetic excuse for a woman. Will told me about a waitress he tried grooming several times. She rebuffed him every time, no matter all his tried and true lies, telling him that she “doesn’t take what isn’t hers.” I have no idea who this chick is but she has all my respect!

    Liked by 4 people

    • If only all women had the emotional intelligence and compassion of that waitress. Good on her!!! There were most likely lots of women that turned the other way or turned BE down, but he probably doesn’t remember them as he quickly moved on to someone who was willing to cross that boundary, over and over. There are so many women out there who will cross that line. *sigh* xo

      Liked by 2 people

  9. I am in this place with you right now, Kat. Why believe a cheating liar? And why put up with someone cheating on YOU with his wife??? Bizarre. In my ex’s new partner’s case, why let a liar make you an OW by lying about his (not) single status??? Ugh. They are a special kinda stupid.

    Liked by 1 person

    • A special kind of stupid, and a serious kind of broken, and/or a really depraved person. It doesn’t make sense to me and yet I know it happens every day. All the time. It’s happening right now, the lies, the rationalizing. It makes a person want to run away to a deserted island and just bask in the sun all day, living off the land and sea, and reading good books. Hmm, maybe I’m on to something. 🙂 ❤

      Liked by 2 people

      • And best not to dwell on it all as you can’t change any of it. 😂 Can only affect your own journey x.

        But I find it still finds a way in at times, and you try to untangle the complete mess, fully knowing you can’t. So yeah, also a bit stupid here, hahaha.


        • If what was given away freely and gladly accepted hadn’t belonged to us, we wouldn’t be concerned with it. Not stupid! We were lied to and stolen from. It was real. No excuses on their part, no rationalizations. We do need to know when to move away from the hurtful and destructive behavior, but no, not stupid! ❤️

          Liked by 2 people

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