These thoughts have been swirling around in my head for a while now. Not sure any of this will make a whole lot of sense. They weren’t prompted by any one person, or any one recent incident, but merely a conglomeration of things that have been happening in my life, things I have read on social media, and in a mystery book I’m currently half way through, and blogs. Blog posts, blog comments, the whole she-bang. I honestly do wish I could turn off the part of my brain that is so hyper sensitive to lying, cheating, and infidelity. I don’t want it to be a part of my life, but it is. Like diabetes.

Actually a lot like diabetes. So many assumptions, so many people thinking it won’t happen to them, because they are different. They’re not fat, or they’re not lazy. Well, I’m here to tell you, these things can happen to anyone. When I was first diagnosed with pre-diabetes I was playing tennis three times a week. I went to a personal trainer two days per week and he had me on a low fat, low carb diet for a month, which I adhered to religiously. I gained two pounds (muscle???) and went from pre-diabetic to full blown diabetic. Yeah, I know!!!

Later, I spent weeks working on weight loss, and muscle gain, with a serious regimen of calories in, calories out, diet and exercise, and I have lost a total of 35 pounds since I was initially diagnosed. And guess what? I’m now insulin dependent. I can hear the intake of breath from here… huh, she’s insulin dependent, OMG, how awful for her. Nope. Not awful, just reality. I want to remain healthy and this is what I need to do. I keep track of every calorie every day and make sure those calories in are balanced with calories out. Anyone who follows my instagram might think I over indulge, but seriously, I don’t necessarily eat everything I photograph. Sometimes Blue Eyes eats some or all of the food I post. And some days I walk 10 miles. I’m serious about my health, and I’ve been dealt a certain hand that I must play. I have zero negative side effects from my diabetes because I go religiously to the doctor. She caught it from the beginning and we manage it together with diet, exercise, lifestyle, and medication. It is what it is, but some of the worst aspects of having the disease are merely how people view diabetes and the judgment that goes along with it.

I was never hyper sensitive to infidelity before, but as long as I can remember, I have had obsessive compulsive behaviors and hyper sensitivity. These behaviors physically exhibit themselves in numerous ways, but for example more recently I became hyper sensitive to the feeling of hair on my body. I have reasonably long and very thick hair. Post discovery my hair began falling out in handfuls. I could feel strands all over my arms and back. I became obsessed with the hairs and getting them off my body. I spent so much time feeling for hairs, brushing my hair, and lint brushing my entire body. I thought I would go insane with it. I feel like my brain has now succumbed as I obsess about lying, cheating, and infidelity. I have moved beyond merely physical obsessive manifestations.

I was reading a Facebook post this morning by a friend who says she went to see the new version of the movie A Star is Born. Friends told her to take Kleenex because it’s a tear jerker. She was posting that she didn’t shed a tear and surmised it was because she has been through “so much worse” in her life than anything in the movie and because of “all the alcohol” she didn’t feel like the couples’ “connection” was that “real.” I haven’t seen the movie, but I know what happens in the movie and it sounds pretty heartbreaking to me. I have purposely not gone to see it because I don’t often go to sad or depressing movies anymore. This Facebook friend is a betrayed spouse. Her husband cheated, the affair partner had a baby, they now pay child support for said child, but it was all wrapped up in the pretty little package that hubby made a mistake and will never do it again. The actual sexual aspect of the affair only lasted two months after all, and the other woman was absolutely horrible, the worst kind of selfish, manipulative, angry, and jealous human, EVER! Hubby had a little therapy (stressed from work, lingering childhood wounds, etc… etc…), life went back to “normal,” and he would NEVER do it again, until he did. Divorce pending. This betrayed spouse is more bitter and hateful than ever. In my opinion, that’s why she didn’t cry. All her anger used to be directed at the affair partner. Now it encompasses hubby too. She’s hardened her heart to protect herself from pain. She now believes she has suffered more than anyone could imagine. I get it, but… the fact is, her husband (soon to be ex) never did the work necessary to fix what was broken, so the next time things got “tough,” he was back to his old cheating ways. Possibly this new woman really “gets” him {sarcasm}. No doubt she’s WAY better than the wife {sarcasm}. But really, it doesn’t matter how many women he beds, only he can fix what is wrong and until he does, he’s not partner material. Doesn’t mean there aren’t dozens of women lined up to try, thinking they’re just better than all the others.

And that brings up a recent conversation with Blue Eyes. There was a “newbie” at one of his SA meetings last week. When a newly diagnosed sex addict attends their meeting for the first time, all the SAs who feel like sharing, share their personal stories. It was at this recent meeting that Blue Eyes listened to his own sponsor, 12 years sober, share more about his personal story. Years ago I met with said sponsor’s wife. During our conversation she NEVER mentioned that the sponsor was MARRIED when she met him. She never copped to being the OTHER WOMAN. This infuriates me. Anyway, back to last week. The sponsor’s first wife suffered from endometriosis and sex was painful. The sponsor started shutting down from her emotionally and was unable to be intimate with his wife without the sexual component. This is when he started the affair. He divorced his first wife (fucking asshole) and married the mistress (cold hearted bitch). Even as recently as last week’s SA meeting he expressed his remorse for how he abandoned his first wife (35 years later). The second wife (an other woman) is who I met with. At discovery of his secret life (lots of acting out and another woman who believed she was THE ONE) they had been married for 25 years and had two grown children. When I met her, her husband was nearly 8 years sober and yet she never mentioned that she was an other woman. Why? I’m sure because she deluded herself into thinking she was his one true love. That there was something wrong with the first wife. Because that is what people do… rationalize, deny, deflect, anything to not take responsibility for their deplorable actions.

In a Swedish mystery novel I’m reading, a detective is having an affair with someone he works with. His wife has post partum depression and is not interested in sex. He has decided this gives him the right to have a sexual affair. He assumes the affair partner just wants sex too. She of course wants more. A story for the centuries. UGH!

I do absolutely believe there are hundreds of rationalizations for cheating, and that if the cheater does not do some serious work on themselves, it will happen again. We can’t place all the blame on the “other person.” They were there, have issues of their own, potentially even pursued our spouse, possibly made our lives miserable for a while, but when it comes to healing from infidelity, that other person just needs to be extricated from the situation, cut off, starved for oxygen. If we want to have a relationship with our cheater, they must determine why they cheated (ZERO blame placed on the loyal spouse), and then work to fix what is broken. I really wish that the sponsor’s wife (second wife that is) would have mentioned how she had been the other woman. I wish she had been honest. I never really took to this woman. She seemed arrogant, but perhaps I was merely feeling her insecurity for falling into the trap of believing the man she cheated with wouldn’t cheat on her. Ah, this is one big trap, apparently.

Numerous times on this blog I have been reprimanded for trying to manage my husband’s recovery. I have been accused of being naive in thinking that my husband is anything but a serial cheat. Once a cheater always a cheater has been thrown about. Chump Lady’s site was recommended to me dozens of times in the first couple years. As I have mentioned before, bitterness and sarcasm aren’t what I’m about–at least not on my good days. I don’t believe my husband or any other person who is desperately trying to better themselves, is a unicorn. I have tried to remain understanding and compassionate while dealing with my own trauma. What I have learned is that I truly cannot fix or even help to fix my husband (or anyone else for that matter). This battle with determining who he really is, why, and how to remain faithful to himself, is his journey alone. I have my own journey, but I did spend dozens of months locked in obsessive fear. Fear that I was falling into a trap. Fear that I had made huge mistakes in judgment. Fear that I would be hurt again, desperately, irrevocably hurt. I eventually overcame that fear. I healed, but there is scar tissue.

I know being hyper sensitive has kept my mind focused on negative spaces for too long. I need to constantly remind myself to redirect to a happier, healthier place. I stumbled a bit yesterday. I’ll write about it tomorrow. Today I am back on my path.

❤️