I am currently in Japan. Blue Eyes is super busy with work while I get to enjoy some leisure and family time. We’re celebrating my Mom’s 75th and my niece’s (The Princess) 4th birthday here in Tokyo. My baby brother (GQ) has lived in Tokyo for 24+ years now and I’m glad we have business here as it gives us the chance to see him more often.
Japan holds lots of triggers as Blue Eyes brought the other woman here three times. I’ve been here a few times since discovery and have tackled the demons, but I’m not perfect. I’m also recuperating from bronchial pneumonia and sinusitis, so not exactly at my healthiest.
GQ booked us an overnight getaway near the sea that is subsidized by his company’s insurance carrier. It’s an Onsen Resort meaning it has a restorative hot springs bath. It also has a lovely spa and healthy and traditional Japanese cuisine included. Due to meetings, Blue Eyes was unable to make it on the overnight trip. He stayed in Tokyo and worked while I was treated to a full body massage plus facial plus time with my niece and her parents as well as my own parents. We luxuriated in the Onsen bath before bed and I slept like a baby.
The next morning as I ate breakfast with my family, but without Blue Eyes, I started feeling a kind of emptiness. I could feel the underlying anxiety. I spent some time trying to center myself and figure out what was going on. After lunch we boarded a warm bus back to Tokyo. At one point I was feeling downright nauseous and all I wanted to do was get back to my hotel room and rest.
My brother had other ideas. He wanted us all to drop our bags at mine and Blue Eyes’ hotel and then go for gelato, some shopping, and dinner in Ginza, all walking distance from our hotel, in his favorite neighborhood. Since we spend so little time with our Tokyo family, I didn’t want to say no, but my stomach was churning and my thoughts went to a very bad place.
I wasn’t even dreaming. These were conscious and awake thoughts bombarding my brain and I was unable to turn them off. I pictured all of us arriving to the hotel room to find Blue Eyes there with another woman. I could viscerally feel my pain and humiliation as he scrambled to put his clothes on as I covered my niece’s eyes. I could feel my brother’s disgust and my sister in law’s horror. I could see the pain in my parent’s eyes as this ugly scene played out in front of them. My brother does not know about Blue Eyes’ sex addiction diagnosis and recovery. Potentially this is where my fear was coming from. What would we find in that hotel room when I opened the door and how would I explain it.
The walk from the bus station was filled with anxiety as I stayed in front of the group lost in my paranoid thoughts. Of course Blue Eyes was not in our hotel room with another woman. He wasn’t there at all and the room was perfectly clean, nothing strange, everything in it’s place. Blue Eyes was where he was supposed to be, at meetings. Blue Eyes doesn’t partake in that behavior anymore and of course my thoughts were irrational. Even when he was an active sex addict he wouldn’t have done anything so erratic. Blue Eyes hid his secrets well. He truly believed I would never find out.
As I mentioned in my last post, the wounds have healed, but there is scar tissue that unsettles me every now and again. Racing paranoid thoughts. There is absolutely nothing that Blue Eyes is doing now to warrant the thoughts, but bad feelings of the past don’t just vanish. Sometimes they creep in with no apparent cause other than my subconscious knows I was blindsided and I don’t want to ever be so thoroughly emotionally destroyed, ever again.
Tomorrow I will go with the family to Disneyland for The Princess’ Birthday. Blue Eyes will be in meetings, and I will be okay.