Gimme that shiny thing

I had a rough week last week. Pretty sure this week is going to be filled with some ranting posts. Shall we begin?

150119.news.shinynewobjectWork has been hellish lately. For quite some time I have focused on merely getting Blue Eyes through the day. I’m there for him, to talk, to discuss, to problem solve. I don’t go into the office other than for the occasional meeting, and I haven’t worked from the downtown office for years. I used to be integral to the daily operations of the company. After discovery of Blue Eyes’ secret life, I realized I had been working very very hard for many, many years organizing things for Blue Eyes, taking care of the house, the pets, the kids, partly responsible for the company, booking all his travel, volunteering, and the list goes on. Nobody was doing anything for me. Blue Eyes was mostly just responsible for himself. His career was/is very important to him. I felt like being successful in business would make him happy. I always wanted him to be happy. But then at discovery I realized I did all that work so he could have his addiction. As successful as he was, and he was successful, he wasn’t happy. He was faking it. He needed his addiction just to get through the day. Everything in his life was done on the back of his addiction. I was completely duped, and angry, and shocked, and really, really sad, and every emotion imaginable. I was purely and simply, broken. I could no longer be who I was before. I no longer wanted to be who I was before.

The night a couple weeks ago, that Blue Eyes didn’t sign the important construction agreement, and told me he couldn’t do everything himself, got super angry at me and at which point I walked out the door and drove to the beach house… that was a breaking point. I realized I didn’t want to do it anymore. “It” being managing my unmanageable husband in business, or in life. He’s on his own as far as recovery goes, but when he isn’t active in recovery it’s obvious to everyone. He’s distracted, moody, unproductive, and not that fun to be around.

I hired him a personal assistant. I’ve procrastinated on hiring someone for this job for a while now because I just didn’t want to add more chaos to the mix. I wasn’t going to hire a woman for the position. I want this person to travel with Blue Eyes so I don’t have to. This person will be around Blue Eyes all day. Why tempt fate. He’s been sexually sober for 5 years, but he clearly has issues with boundaries when it comes to the opposite sex, and he’s an addict who took his sex partner on business trips with him for 5 years, so there’s that. It’s not that he won’t remain sober when traveling alone, I believe he will. He’s just plainly ungrounded without his addiction. He needs someone to be there. He has abandonment issues. He doesn’t like being alone.

I ended up hiring someone we know. A young man with boundless energy and a deep affection for Blue Eyes, and loyalty to me. He’s like a son to me. So far so good. So far, one week in, I’m happy with the hire especially since this coming week Blue Eyes and his PA will be flying to Los Angeles for a business trip, and I don’t have to go. Yippee! Load off my plate.

But then, as I’ve been helping the PA get acclimated, and I’m a bit more active in the day to day operations of the business, I’ve noticed Blue Eyes back to some of his old habits. Not sexual habits, but still, habits that aren’t conducive to our company functioning at the highest level. All of a sudden, I’m having hour long conversations with employees about things going on at the office that they are uncomfortable with. I have always been in charge of Human Resources/Operations (with a background in accounting), and an open door policy. Why do people not bring these things to my attention. Partially because they have a massively fucked up loyalty to a guy who talks a good game, but doesn’t deserve their trust.

As mentioned previously, two of my brothers (I have 10 siblings) work for us. When one of our critical employees quit on us last year, we made one of my brothers a managing partner with Blue Eyes. My brother, at 37 years old, has done an amazing job. So when I was on the phone with him last Friday and I was voicing my concern for what was going on at the office, my brother said:

“But Kat, you of all people know best that Blue Eyes is willing to throw those of us that he cares about most under the bus to chase that new shiny thing. You, of all people, KNOW.”

That statement has stuck with me since the moment my brother said it. Blue Eyes is willing to throw his loved ones under the bus to get what he wants. He will lie, cheat, and steal to get what he wants. He will use any excuse to get what he wants. He will convince himself that he is right, no matter what, TO GET WHAT HE WANTS.

Blue Eyes is not a team player. He’s a one-man entrepreneurial circus act. Anything for the show. He’s a master salesman. It’s so tiring and is part and parcel to his addictive personality. Before I knew of Blue Eyes’ secret life, I would counsel our employees that although Blue Eyes’ crazy entrepreneurial wack-a-doo business style is annoying and difficult to work with, we needed to do anything and everything we could to support him. To make him shine.

When Blue Eyes was diagnosed and didn’t work for a year, we both worried aloud and to ourselves that perhaps he was done. Perhaps he couldn’t carry on without his addiction. Maybe he would never be the same productive guy. Nope. We shouldn’t have worried. He’s back, mightier and crazier than ever, but I no longer live in a world of at all costs. Some costs are just too high.

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Earlier today I sat across the table from Blue Eyes at a beautiful restaurant in front of a gorgeous brunch meal, repeated word for word what my brother had said on Friday, and I cried. I cried for what I’ve lost. I cried for how hard this all is. I cried because I don’t think he understands how much it hurts to be thrown under a bus. I cried because every time he does something selfish, it rips apart that healing scar over my heart. I cried because I’m tired.

37 thoughts on “Gimme that shiny thing

  1. Pingback: Integrity | try not to cry on my rainbow

  2. Never ends, never ends. I’m sorry you’ve been going through a rough time (I was going to say rough patch but it’s way longer than a rough patch should be). Lots of hugs to you. You are one of the most admirable, most grounded, most mature, most put-together people I’ve come across here in SA-shit-o-land, and while it breaks my heart to see you suffer, I know you’ll get through this, too. Just keep your eyes on the road. Big hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This post so resonated with me that I had to just take deep breaths for a bit and come back over and over again to absorb it. I, too, spent the better part of 40 years making my husband’s life easy, supporting his career, choosing the “Mommy” track, giving up law school, only to unwittingly give him all the freedom in his private world to nurture his addiction and debauchery. As “dontsaylovely” says above, in my case, nothing will ever wipe out 40 years of a double life. Now that it has been exposed and I know how he lived his life, my own rose colored glasses are gone forever. Being thrown under the bus over and over again without my knowledge or permission is devastating. I’m finally, after almost 4 years out from disclosure, have rescued myself and am on an even keel. I no longer feel any responsibility for his choices and I feel pretty good about how I’ve lived my life. I stayed for the first year because I gave him that time to get his life together with the ultimatum of one wrong choice and we are done. The feelings I once had for him dissipated and have not come back. I know my daughter would be devastated if she knew as she loves him so much and our grandkids adore him. He has pretty much transformed himself into the man I once fell in love with but I still do not trust him and never will. I am continually shocked by the fact that he and your husband can “move on” without feeling this devastation. It is hard to even believe they felt any remorse, regret, or disgust with themselves because only an imbecile would live that lifestyle and not believe or know how devastating it would be to us. My husband tells me he has memory triggers and reminders every day but faces them and tells himself he is no longer doing that and not interested in that life anymore. He says he is disgusted with himself and never wants to hate himself again. He really is a changed man in private with me and in public but sometimes I wonder if it is too late to capture any of those past feelings again and I’m OK with that right now. I take it one day at a time. He is fun to be with and we are very compatible in so many ways but he managed to destroy the one thing he always had and that was my unconditional love and trust for him. I won’t give that to anyone ever again. I can only trust me. Kat, your story breaks my heart. Wish I had some magic potion to share with you and everyone else here.

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    • Yes, everything you said. How do they not get it? BE is unable to console me without feeling shame. Would he be able to truly console me if I had been betrayed by someone else and he was an innocent bystander? I don’t think so. There’s a missing link. I’m going to write another post on the continuation of all this the past couple days because it’s mind boggling to me. Have I been ignoring some of his most dismissive behavior or has he taken a big step backwards? I just don’t know.

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      • You said, “BE is unable to console me without feeling shame.”

        ^^^THIS right here is what I am seeing as well. Supposedly, these trained professionals in the SA industry are ***supposed*** to help these guys deal with their shame. It’s key. I wonder if it’s really possible?

        Example for me – – – I’ve had some tearful days recently- triggered by memories of hub’s attempt on his life.It was just so freaking horrid and graphic. I wasn’t triggered by anything betrayal-related; I’m pretty darn sure about that. But if sees me struggling, or I say I’m triggered about the attempt, or even if I’m crying, it’s like whiplash – he’s not shame and then he blames ME.

        It’s a dynamic; I know. We can talk to our marital therapist about it tomorrow. But MAN – my husband has to deal with HIS shit. His shame belongs to HIM.

        Liked by 1 person

        • How did it go with the therapist, beleeme? This may be the most difficult aspect of this for our husbands to heal from/manage/whatever you want to call it. I’m in the middle of my next post as I mentioned above and it’s taking me forever. I’m not sure whether to be embarrassed by the pathetic and petty nature of our conversations, or just walk out the door. It’s exasperating. I think at this point Blue Eyes has not dealt with the shame, but is blocking it by ignoring anything that might take him to a shameful place. That is not a step in the right direction, in my opinion. Also, I’ve never heard so many excuses in my life. I think he actually thinks excuses after the fact negate his bad behavior. I’m tired. xo

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          • Kat – Thanks so much for asking about me. It went SOOOOO well. I’m so grateful to have found her. She came to our area only a year ago (from San Fran) and I think that’s why she didn’t “pop up” as an option before.

            I’m sorry you are feeling exasperated and tired. I get it (at least feeling that way about my situation at times).

            For me, I know I have some shame around this, and I will work on that. I really need help right now with emotional regulation from the PTSD triggers (mostly about the ones regarding my husband almost taking his life in front of me). It was so horrific. I know the hypnosis, counseling and bodywork this practitioner does (altogether in the same session) will be helpful. I got just a “taste” yesterday b/c I had to give the history too, and I was sooo calm after and I can find that grounding spot she helped me find yesterday, so it brings me back to being grounded.

            Re: excuses – I hear ya. I can’t tell you how many times I question something my husband says and then he thinks a minute and says, “That’s just excuse-making.” And then I say, “You just made an excuse about excuse-making.” OY At least he is becoming more aware. I wonder if it’s just too much for some of these guys to face their shame and have compassion for themselves?

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            • I just realized I was talking about a different therapist. We have a marital therapist who does Emotionally Focused Therapy (_Hold Me Tight_ is one of the books). She is excellent and very helpful. She also has been in the SA field for almost 20 years. Our sessions are always helpful.

              The one I mentioned above is a new one for me – I’m getting a combo of counseling, hypnotherapy, and bodywork to help release and “calm down” the trauma. That’s the new therapist I found for me.

              Liked by 1 person

            • It sounds like you are building a nice set of resources for yourself. That’s fantastic. It’s important to feel validated.

              As far as the excuses go, there’s really no excuse for not being kind or honest or forthcoming, etc… unless they simply don’t want the relationship badly enough.

              I’m beginning to question this with my husband. He seems to be rationalizing heavily his bad behavior with old worn out excuses. 🤷🏻‍♀️😔

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              • Excuses – to me – are a form of laziness. It takes work, for sure, to change behavior and expend effort and concentration to work towards something one values (personal & professional goals, intimate & business relationships). People typically put effort into what they value. That’s why observing behavior is so important. Hugs.

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  4. Kat, this post spoke to me as it has to others. I, too, was “thrown under the bus” by the person I trusted and loved the most in my entire life. The one person I thought would never do that. I, too, was doing a whole lot of things to make life easier/happier for him. Discovery and the aftermath changed me, too. I have learned that I can never go back to the way we were, no matter how hard my husband works in recovery or works to make it all up to me.

    I think you did an incredibly positive thing by hiring the young man PA. I have considered looking for a helper for my husband and yes, it will be a man, for obvious reasons. I tell myself all the time, I can only go forward in this life. The past is the past, but I have learned from it.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Yes, hiring the PA will be a very good thing. Right now it’s a bit of work, but it will save me in the end.

      We are changed forever, profoundly changed. Human beings are adaptable, we go through a lot, and we grow, but this is just not right. We have to accept what is and move forward, but it’s still so very devastating. I’m having a rough time of it. Thanks for the support. ❤️

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  5. Your words really resonated with me. “But then at discovery I realized I did all that work so he could have his addiction.” I felt very much the same way. I had a great career, resigned from burn out (in hindsight not just job-related) and then worked as the CFO for his company. Yes, made his work life easier so he had time to fit in his strip club visits, etc. My 5 year dday anniversary is Mar 15, not far from yours. And 5 years later I cry for how hard this all is and for what I have lost. I contemplate leaving daily even though he works at recovery and making it up to me. I don’t think anything can wipe out the 20 years of double life. And he’s actually not as lovable now that my rose colored glasses have been knocked off. I’m sorry I don’t have words to help you but want you to know you are not alone in this experience.

    Liked by 3 people

    • It’s so important to know I have sisters out there who know how truly devastating this is, because I surely don’t think my husband gets it most days, if at all. It’s better at 5 years, but some of these feelings aren’t ever going away. Thank you so much for validating my feelings! 🙏🏼❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I find this so incredibly sad, difficult to read and even more difficult to understand. I don’t know how you do it. I don’t know how you did it. I just absolutely couldn’t forgive what Loser did to me. I think maybe the difference is that you love BE. I’m not sure I really loved Loser…or maybe I just didn’t love him enough.
    I feel like I won, because I got away from him and out of that farce of a marriage…but it was a Pyrrhic victory.
    You stayed and are giving it your all. That shows remarkable courage, strength and willingness to endure. And…it’s okay to be pissy…and rant…and rave!
    Triggers, like what your brother said are always going to rear their ugly head, and we just have to deal with them…but we don’t have to let them destroy us even further. Pounding out our anger is good, I think. If I was a drinker, I might down a Margarita or two. LOL

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thanks for the vote of confidence! I can use all the support as I’m exhausted from the battle. So glad you didn’t say you’d down a Pina Colada. You’ll understand when you read my next post, lolol xo

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  7. Oh, the restaurant cry… been there, done that often. Why do the tears always seem to come just before the server is due to come back to ask how everything is going, only to walk away visibly uncomfortable and sure to make us the talk of the kitchen? (sigh)
    I hope that BE was able to offer some meaningful empathy and comfort to you in that moment – or after he had a chance to figure it out. You have indeed lost a lot and this is truly difficult, and even though BE can’t change the past he can certainly work to provide you the support you need in the present. I was going to tell you to stay strong, but you are always incredibly strong. Maybe letting the tears flow and letting BE see the pain is exactly what you both needed in that moment.
    xo

    Liked by 2 people

    • I always know it’s obvious that people are affected because they look at me like they want to help me, but they are a server in a restaurant, not a mental health professional, and they know there’s nothing they can do. It’s awkward, to say the least. We’re still processing. I’m having a difficult time with this one. I’m kind of beaten down right now and don’t have my normal reserves. Work issues can be stressful in and of themselves… add BE into the mix and, well, I need my time away. Counting the days. 🤗

      Liked by 2 people

  8. Yes, being thrown under a bus by your partner in life is one of the hardest parts of this excruciating journey. You/we know this is what happened when they were/are wrapped up in their selfish, cruel behaviour but sometimes it hits us afresh such as in your brothers words. It isn’t new it’s just devastating and exhausting all over again.
    You will find strength again and go on. I’m sending you hugs and all my support.

    Kate xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much, Kate, for the support. It really does help. My brother saying what he did reminds me that Blue Eyes’ behavior affects more than just me. It’s exhausting to think about sometimes. ❤️

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  9. When all the crap happened to me I got through each day at a time, then I learnt to look at all ths small things and use the good ones to get me through and confront the bad ones. But my story was very different to yours. I think you know me well enough to know it is not my style to tell people what they should or shouldn’t do.
    Over the years the things I did learn were: that life will show you the way, whether we like it or not. At first it will be small messages, and as we ignore them (which we invariably do) they get more obvious and harder:your brother saying what he said was a message from life. I also learnt that all of them are like small pieces of a jigsaw that pieced together start to make up the bigger picture; but the problem is: we do not know what the other pieces of the jigsaw will be, so we are afraid to see what is in front of us. I hope this makes sense.
    I admire you for your tenacity, and strength and will always offer support for whatever choices you make. Only you live your life my friend.
    Moisy

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thanks, Moisy! ❤️ Life with an addict is very “special.” I need all the support I can get! My brother saying that was indeed a reminder that my husband doesn’t just disregard me and my needs. I need to remember that and make my decisions accordingly. xo How far are you from Paris? I’ll be in Paris end of the month. 😁 Looking forward to that!

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      • Hi If you get the train to Laval we can pick you you up, itS about 2 hrs, if you want to meet 2 mad welshies, just sit in our garden in peace and take us as you find us it would be fantastic to meet you. We live a simple life, you know, it oh my that is an exciting thought xxx

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