I had a rough week last week. Pretty sure this week is going to be filled with some ranting posts. Shall we begin?
Work has been hellish lately. For quite some time I have focused on merely getting Blue Eyes through the day. I’m there for him, to talk, to discuss, to problem solve. I don’t go into the office other than for the occasional meeting, and I haven’t worked from the downtown office for years. I used to be integral to the daily operations of the company. After discovery of Blue Eyes’ secret life, I realized I had been working very very hard for many, many years organizing things for Blue Eyes, taking care of the house, the pets, the kids, partly responsible for the company, booking all his travel, volunteering, and the list goes on. Nobody was doing anything for me. Blue Eyes was mostly just responsible for himself. His career was/is very important to him. I felt like being successful in business would make him happy. I always wanted him to be happy. But then at discovery I realized I did all that work so he could have his addiction. As successful as he was, and he was successful, he wasn’t happy. He was faking it. He needed his addiction just to get through the day. Everything in his life was done on the back of his addiction. I was completely duped, and angry, and shocked, and really, really sad, and every emotion imaginable. I was purely and simply, broken. I could no longer be who I was before. I no longer wanted to be who I was before.
The night a couple weeks ago, that Blue Eyes didn’t sign the important construction agreement, and told me he couldn’t do everything himself, got super angry at me and at which point I walked out the door and drove to the beach house… that was a breaking point. I realized I didn’t want to do it anymore. “It” being managing my unmanageable husband in business, or in life. He’s on his own as far as recovery goes, but when he isn’t active in recovery it’s obvious to everyone. He’s distracted, moody, unproductive, and not that fun to be around.
I hired him a personal assistant. I’ve procrastinated on hiring someone for this job for a while now because I just didn’t want to add more chaos to the mix. I wasn’t going to hire a woman for the position. I want this person to travel with Blue Eyes so I don’t have to. This person will be around Blue Eyes all day. Why tempt fate. He’s been sexually sober for 5 years, but he clearly has issues with boundaries when it comes to the opposite sex, and he’s an addict who took his sex partner on business trips with him for 5 years, so there’s that. It’s not that he won’t remain sober when traveling alone, I believe he will. He’s just plainly ungrounded without his addiction. He needs someone to be there. He has abandonment issues. He doesn’t like being alone.
I ended up hiring someone we know. A young man with boundless energy and a deep affection for Blue Eyes, and loyalty to me. He’s like a son to me. So far so good. So far, one week in, I’m happy with the hire especially since this coming week Blue Eyes and his PA will be flying to Los Angeles for a business trip, and I don’t have to go. Yippee! Load off my plate.
But then, as I’ve been helping the PA get acclimated, and I’m a bit more active in the day to day operations of the business, I’ve noticed Blue Eyes back to some of his old habits. Not sexual habits, but still, habits that aren’t conducive to our company functioning at the highest level. All of a sudden, I’m having hour long conversations with employees about things going on at the office that they are uncomfortable with. I have always been in charge of Human Resources/Operations (with a background in accounting), and an open door policy. Why do people not bring these things to my attention. Partially because they have a massively fucked up loyalty to a guy who talks a good game, but doesn’t deserve their trust.
As mentioned previously, two of my brothers (I have 10 siblings) work for us. When one of our critical employees quit on us last year, we made one of my brothers a managing partner with Blue Eyes. My brother, at 37 years old, has done an amazing job. So when I was on the phone with him last Friday and I was voicing my concern for what was going on at the office, my brother said:
“But Kat, you of all people know best that Blue Eyes is willing to throw those of us that he cares about most under the bus to chase that new shiny thing. You, of all people, KNOW.”
That statement has stuck with me since the moment my brother said it. Blue Eyes is willing to throw his loved ones under the bus to get what he wants. He will lie, cheat, and steal to get what he wants. He will use any excuse to get what he wants. He will convince himself that he is right, no matter what, TO GET WHAT HE WANTS.
Blue Eyes is not a team player. He’s a one-man entrepreneurial circus act. Anything for the show. He’s a master salesman. It’s so tiring and is part and parcel to his addictive personality. Before I knew of Blue Eyes’ secret life, I would counsel our employees that although Blue Eyes’ crazy entrepreneurial wack-a-doo business style is annoying and difficult to work with, we needed to do anything and everything we could to support him. To make him shine.
When Blue Eyes was diagnosed and didn’t work for a year, we both worried aloud and to ourselves that perhaps he was done. Perhaps he couldn’t carry on without his addiction. Maybe he would never be the same productive guy. Nope. We shouldn’t have worried. He’s back, mightier and crazier than ever, but I no longer live in a world of at all costs. Some costs are just too high.
Earlier today I sat across the table from Blue Eyes at a beautiful restaurant in front of a gorgeous brunch meal, repeated word for word what my brother had said on Friday, and I cried. I cried for what I’ve lost. I cried for how hard this all is. I cried because I don’t think he understands how much it hurts to be thrown under a bus. I cried because every time he does something selfish, it rips apart that healing scar over my heart. I cried because I’m tired.