A friend posted this quote on Facebook a couple days ago:
“Love is kind.
Anything less isn’t love at all.”
Which made me think of this old Time Magazine story. I think I have linked to this article before, but I couldn’t find it so I’m posting it again.
The article titled: We Are Defining Love the Wrong Way, starts like this: It is time to change the meaning of the word “love.”
Love is more than what one feels.
After years spent speaking with couples before, during and after marriage; and of talking to parents and children struggling with their relationships, I am convinced of the partiality of the definition. Love should be seen not as a feeling but as an enacted emotion. To love is to feel and act lovingly.
The feeling must be wedded to the deed.
Realizing no one is perfect, and we can’t all be good all of the time, I do truly believe that what was missing in my husband was a true understanding of the word love. Because of how he was raised, I don’t think he truly understands what it means to love another human being. It’s not just three words to be said about how he thinks he feels about me (or someone else) in a particular moment, but indeed is how he acts towards me on the worst of his days. If I am truly the love of his life, then he will behave lovingly towards me even when he doesn’t feel like it. He won’t lie to me, or try and turn his insecurities around on me. He won’t ignore me or conveniently forget about me because he is “busy” or “stressed” or “tired” or anything.
This is the kind of love I have given to him all along: honest, unconditional, selfless love. I deserve it in return. We all do.
try not to cry on my rainbow 
All of what you have written and more. ❤️
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💖
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*is
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You know how it goes, I could read it just fine! And yeah, manipulation is one of those awful words like, gaslighting, and lying… they don’t belong in any healthy relationship.
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Yep – love is an emotion, but actions and choices too. A way of BE-ing. Hugs.
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Yes, the behavior is what we desperately need, not the “I love you.’s” Blue Eyes always told me he loved me. He loved me while he was cheating and lying to me, not nice, not love. xo
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Oh yes! I love you. You will always be my valentine….not nice. Not kind. Not love. Just a way to keep us sweet so they could retain the status quo.
Great post x
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One thing love should not be, manipulative!!! That just isn’t love. xo
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Oh yes!!! That I’d a blog post all of it’s own, CK ❤👍
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*its. Read, Paula! Lol
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I swear you often sit inside my head and know exactly the post I need on a given day (or the precise post I need to share with my husband so he hears a message from someone other than me).
I needed this one today. Our guys need to get this message and live it daily. ❤️
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I’m back to writing more… it helps me process even in year six! I just hate it that we can talk until we’re blue in the face and then when someone else says the same thing, it’s like a lightbulb going on for them. Frustrating.
We should be the one they listen to the most intently, not some near stranger! It’s why I’ve written so many posts about how I got swept into the dysfunctional blame game with him. I am not his parents. I did not abuse him. I am his loyal, loving life partner. It’s just so exhausting some days.
It’s nice having the validation that what I write means something to someone. xoxo
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For addicts, those three little words are just words. Only when they are in recovery do they attach any real meaning to them. And I believe they are truly confused at the feelings they get when this realization begins to dawn. So very broken. 💔
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I agree, Leighkay. Just three words that they are willing to throw around to get what they want. Even in recovery I think the level of selfishness they participated in for so many years is still so very strong. I still see rationalizations and excuses and blame shifting. Unfortunately, that level of selfishness is not conducive to intimate (or other) relationships, so it’s change, or be alone. xo
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Intimacy is actually terrifying for most addicts. The idea of being that vulnerable, thus opening oneself to possible rejection, is an unthinkable option. Fear is an addict’s best friend. ☹️
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Wouldnt that be amazing.. The software seems to be missing though. 💔
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At this point it’s becoming a requirement. Just because he was abused as a child, and is an addict, doesn’t mean he cannot behave in a loving manner. Not doing so is just more rationalization and excuses. That’s the thing about addiction… once they have acknowledged what they are, and that they WERE powerless to the disease, they have the tools to make the changes. Whether they do, or not, is up to them. But, we don’t have to stick around if they continue to choose not to. xo
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