I’m writing this here because I don’t have the energy to talk about it with anyone in real life, not even Blue Eyes. But it is really weighing my heart down, so here I go. I’m hoping getting this out into the blogosphere will help release what feels like an elephant standing on my chest, cutting off my air, making it difficult to breathe. I’m at the beach house by myself. Blue Eyes is back home entertaining clients at a business dinner.
We have gone through a lot lately. It may look, from the outside, that our life is easy. It’s not. It may look glamorous. It’s not. It may look like we have gobs of money, enough to travel the world, and have two houses. We don’t have gobs of money. Most of our travel is business related, a business that supports numerous families, and we have two very large mortgages.
We’ve been waiting to hear back regarding the beach house litigation. Our life is complicated. So much so that two nights ago Blue Eyes sat on our bed across from me and said, “I understand why people commit suicide.” And I said, “I know.” Everything Blue Eyes is today, everything he has achieved, he did single handedly, and he did it on the back of his addiction. He was abused as a child and grew up with two significant immune related illnesses. He survived, even thrived. He knew his secret life would kill him one day, if he didn’t expose it, and eradicate it. So he instigated the explosion that obliterated my life as I knew it. He had to.
Our beach house was part of the rebuilding of our life together. It’s our sanctuary. Unfortunately, apparently, the powers that be don’t want us to have peace. They want to add to our burden. We purchased the excruciatingly expensive piece of land that our house sits on with a loan from our company. The actual house was built on a tight but ample construction budget because it was limited by the bank appraisal. So we have the company loan, and that large mortgage to pay every month, and now the judgment for the contractor’s overages has gone against us. No compromise. Completely against us. We’re in shock. I found out less than an hour ago.
It is unclear at this point just how much we will owe, but it could be $700,000+. The contractor overages plus his profit, plus his attorney fees. Add that to our attorney fees, and we now have a house that has cost us approximately $1,000,000 more than it is worth if we tried to sell it tomorrow.
I know life is unfair. I learned that lesson years ago and then nearly six years ago, was kicked in the gut with a lasting reminder of how unfair it is. And now, here we go again.