I thought, during this time of shelter in place, social distancing, and all that jazz, that I would be spending a lot more time on WordPress. It actually hasn’t been the case. I haven’t written much here since we returned home, and the blogs I follow have been, with the exception of a couple, pretty quiet. I have worked a bit on my book, and at this pace it will be finished in about 2030. I have spent a good deal of my after-work hours reading books, and watching TV. I think it is partly the melancholy. Books and TV distract me from reality. My son and I have talked about de-cluttering the house, and re-organizing the workout room, but that’s it, just talk. I think about us driving somewhere and taking a nice long hike in the sunshine, but then, shelter in place, and all that. I think about driving back over to the beach house and riding out the rest of this storm there, but we aren’t supposed to do unnecessary driving. I could do it, but is it necessary? Although I know full well how blessed I am to have so much, it is still a difficult time. I am a home-body by nature, so it’s not really the shelter in place part that’s getting me. I think my mood stems from the anxiety and fear and negative energy emanating from the sheer volume of pandemic-related news that makes its way in even though I have blocked so much.
I have been re-watching the television show Medium. Binge-watching a show can be very different from having to wait a week to watch a new episode. Everything is magnified when watching episode after episode, like how on Medium, Joe the husband seems shocked and irritated every single episode when his wife wakes up from a nightmare. Really Joe??? Get over it. Anyway, the show is 10-15 years old and I did watch every episode back in the day, but I cannot remember any of it… except the crazy finale. That I remember. It’s like I never actually watched the program. Every once in a while I feel like I can predict what is going to happen but I’m not really sure if it’s memory, or just obvious plot progression. Every once in a while The Peacemaker will watch an episode with me. He tells me he watched this show with me all those years ago. I don’t remember him watching it, but okay, I know he did because he can clearly remember everything that is going to happen. It’s so strange that I have a keen memory for some things, and yet no memory of others. If it’s been more than, say, 5 years since I’ve read a particular book, many times I cannot even remember the plot. I have re-read a few books feeling like it sounds familiar, but not realizing I definitely had read the book before. And yet… I can remember things that happened to me, in great deal, from up to 50+ years ago. If it happened to me, I can remember it.
Brains are so different. My husband and my sons all have really impressive memories and abilities to quickly process and metabolize intricate concepts, but also, spit back out large volumes of information. Like the time our older son visited the science museum with his class in 2nd grade, came home and recited the entire presentation of the dinosaur exhibit. I don’t really have that kind of brain. I can remember numbers backwards and forwards, but long strings of data, not so much. I have to memorize it, diligently.
If I have been to a place before, however, I can definitely get myself back there. My sons have this ability too. When we spent that summer in Central California, our kids were 6 & 8. We ate dinner one time at a Chinese restaurant in town. We visited the same town years later, like maybe 10 years later and decided we would go back to the same Chinese restaurant, if we could find it. I was pretty sure I could find it, but before I even had a chance to give it a try, our younger son not only remembered the name of the restaurant (from 10 years prior) but he also remembered the name of the street it was on. What six year old even pays attention to what street he’s on?
I guess I’m really going nowhere with this other than to say, I want desperately to empty my head of all the clutter. My brain hurts at this point. I want to not have to think about who is or is not following the rules. I don’t want to think about the people that are dying and why they are dying. I don’t want to have to worry about my Brooklyn son, so far away. I do want to be able to travel again, but we have traveled A LOT in the past 6 years and so I’m not missing it yet. I’ve ordered close to 50 plant starts, both flowers and edibles, for the yard and for the first time in years, I’ll be gardening. I’ve been cooking, in starts and stops really, not consistently… I think that is a holdover from the trauma days.
I used to cook every single day. It wasn’t a choice, I just did it. I enjoyed it. After discovery, everything was a choice in my mind. I’m hoping to scrounge up the energy to clean and de-clutter, another healthy habit of mine that went by the trauma wayside. If I could keep my brain focused and not get distracted by the noise, I think I could be more productive. I do know that even though things are going just fine with my marriage, and Blue Eyes is doing a pretty great job of keeping himself focused and connecting with his 12-step and his meditation group, working hard, and going to the grocery store periodically, so I don’t have to, I still feel… off. I’m assuming everyone feels off at this point?
How is everyone else doing? What are you all doing to pass the time, and stay sane?