What will I remember

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I thought, during this time of shelter in place, social distancing, and all that jazz, that I would be spending a lot more time on WordPress. It actually hasn’t been the case. I haven’t written much here since we returned home, and the blogs I follow have been, with the exception of a couple, pretty quiet. I have worked a bit on my book, and at this pace it will be finished in about 2030. I have spent a good deal of my after-work hours reading books, and watching TV. I think it is partly the melancholy. Books and TV distract me from reality. My son and I have talked about de-cluttering the house, and re-organizing the workout room, but that’s it, just talk. I think about us driving somewhere and taking a nice long hike in the sunshine, but then, shelter in place, and all that. I think about driving back over to the beach house and riding out the rest of this storm there, but we aren’t supposed to do unnecessary driving. I could do it, but is it necessary? Although I know full well how blessed I am to have so much, it is still a difficult time. I am a home-body by nature, so it’s not really the shelter in place part that’s getting me. I think my mood stems from the anxiety and fear and negative energy emanating from the sheer volume of pandemic-related news that makes its way in even though I have blocked so much.

I have been re-watching the television show Medium. Binge-watching a show can be very different from having to wait a week to watch a new episode. Everything is magnified when watching episode after episode, like how on Medium, Joe the husband seems shocked and irritated every single episode when his wife wakes up from a nightmare. Really Joe??? Get over it. Anyway, the show is 10-15 years old and I did watch every episode back in the day, but I cannot remember any of it… except the crazy finale. That I remember. It’s like I never actually watched the program. Every once in a while I feel like I can predict what is going to happen but I’m not really sure if it’s memory, or just obvious plot progression. Every once in a while The Peacemaker will watch an episode with me. He tells me he watched this show with me all those years ago. I don’t remember him watching it, but okay, I know he did because he can clearly remember everything that is going to happen. It’s so strange that I have a keen memory for some things, and yet no memory of others. If it’s been more than, say, 5 years since I’ve read a particular book, many times I cannot even remember the plot. I have re-read a few books feeling like it sounds familiar, but not realizing I definitely had read the book before. And yet… I can remember things that happened to me, in great deal, from up to 50+ years ago. If it happened to me, I can remember it.

Brains are so different. My husband and my sons all have really impressive memories and abilities to quickly process and metabolize intricate concepts, but also, spit back out large volumes of information. Like the time our older son visited the science museum with his class in 2nd grade, came home and recited the entire presentation of the dinosaur exhibit. I don’t really have that kind of brain. I can remember numbers backwards and forwards, but long strings of data, not so much. I have to memorize it, diligently.

If I have been to a place before, however, I can definitely get myself back there. My sons have this ability too. When we spent that summer in Central California, our kids were 6 & 8. We ate dinner one time at a Chinese restaurant in town. We visited the same town years later, like maybe 10 years later and decided we would go back to the same Chinese restaurant, if we could find it. I was pretty sure I could find it, but before I even had a chance to give it a try, our younger son not only remembered the name of the restaurant (from 10 years prior) but he also remembered the name of the street it was on. What six year old even pays attention to what street he’s on?

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I guess I’m really going nowhere with this other than to say, I want desperately to empty my head of all the clutter. My brain hurts at this point. I want to not have to think about who is or is not following the rules. I don’t want to think about the people that are dying and why they are dying. I don’t want to have to worry about my Brooklyn son, so far away. I do want to be able to travel again, but we have traveled A LOT in the past 6 years and so I’m not missing it yet. I’ve ordered close to 50 plant starts, both flowers and edibles, for the yard and for the first time in years, I’ll be gardening. I’ve been cooking, in starts and stops really, not consistently… I think that is a holdover from the trauma days.

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I did make these Swedish pancakes with lingonberries. Totally delicious!

I used to cook every single day. It wasn’t a choice, I just did it. I enjoyed it. After discovery, everything was a choice in my mind. I’m hoping to scrounge up the energy to clean and de-clutter, another healthy habit of mine that went by the trauma wayside. If I could keep my brain focused and not get distracted by the noise, I think I could be more productive. I do know that even though things are going just fine with my marriage, and Blue Eyes is doing a pretty great job of keeping himself focused and connecting with his 12-step and his meditation group, working hard, and going to the grocery store periodically, so I don’t have to, I still feel… off. I’m assuming everyone feels off at this point?

How is everyone else doing? What are you all doing to pass the time, and stay sane?

12 thoughts on “What will I remember

  1. I’m not nearly as productive. It’s ok. We all need to extend a little more grace to ourselves and others, IMHO. I’ve been cooking, but I can’t make anything really fancy, b/c no unnecessary trips to the grocery for a specific ingredient.

    I’m having a lot of trouble sleeping – that could be related to “anniversary time” – body processing past trauma, or anxieties about what’s going on in my state (NY). We really have no clue about the number where we are b/c all of the tests and resources have been directed to NYC. There are way more cases here than are reported, as evidenced by the high ventilator rate when people go to the hospital.

    It’s a holding pattern. Oh – and we taught our dog a food puzzle game – One of Nina Ottoson’s. That was fun. it can be changed up quite a bit.

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  2. Four of the five in our family continue to work, all with different level of exposure to the public. I am trying to exchange my fear and anxiety with other emotions…. but it is tough. We send our best healthy wishes to your family.

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    • Same back, A. Keep those people healthy! As moms we will always worry! Is your oldest more vulnerable? With my propensity for pneumonia and bronchitis, I’ve stuck really close to home! xoxo

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  3. I got laid off, I think I will be ok but it means I have alllllll the time. Which also means I don’t do anything because I have ‘all’ the time… I’m ok; I think I need to go out and walk/bike more because currently I think I have been out to go get mail or take out trash and aside from that I have been in my basement for the week… I also don’t mind bunker living. It’s a weird time but I can handle it?

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  4. Those pancakes look awesome! Honestly, other than checking the WHO, CDC, and Michigan Health department websites, things are normal. I do all of my work on my laptop. The only big change for me is all of my gyms are closed, which sucks. I love working out, but my home workouts have been pretty good. So not a huge change for me. I’m knocking out my stuff every day, and that’s it. I live by my rituals. Anyway, good to hear from you! I’m glad things are going OK with you guys, and also glad your son in NY is OK. They have been devastated. Detroit Michigan is getting crushed as well. Have a great Easter weekend! ~Dave

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    • Oh yes, Dave, Swedish pancakes are delicious. My mother is 1/2 Swedish, so I have been eating them all my life. Fortuitously, we put in a home gym last year for our 26 year old, with a squat rack, lots of weights, a full punching bag, mats, medicine balls, TRX system, elliptical++ so we’re set there. NYC son and girlfriend are doing fine, just a bit uneasy going out for essentials. The big cities are taking huge hits. So far in Oregon we’re doing okay. Most people are following the rules, which helps. Happy Easter to you and your family.

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  5. I do the majority of my work online so that hasn’t changed too much since lockdown. What has changed? I spend some time each day on FaceTime, WhatsApp, Skype or whatever catching up with family and friends. That has been great as I’d miss being cut off completely from everyone important to me. I also read a lot.
    We’re relatively lucky in Alberta (Canada) as we can still go out as long as we maintain social distancing rules. That at least allows us to go between our home in the city and our condo in the mountains. Having some variety helps stave off the sense of being trapped – and also the boredom. However, I find being forced to live in “the now” and never plan ahead for anything kind of saps my energy. I had thought I might sign up for an online course. However, I’m finding spending so much time online already has really killed any enthusiasm for that …

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    • Hi DLH. We don’t normally do quite as much work online as we are doing now as we have beautiful downtown offices and also travel a lot, but our business works fine this way too. I actually haven’t done any additional video conferencing with family. I call my parents, and our Brooklyn son a bit more than normal, have checked in with friends, my big family up north has always kept in touch by family text. They’re all connecting by online game playing together, but I don’t do that type of thing. There are still people here traveling between homes, it’s a choice, but we’ve been cautioned to stay put if we can. I’m trying to follow the rules even though we have plenty of gas and wouldn’t need to stop for anything. Being on the roads is discouraged. My parents had to cancel their 50th anniversary trip already and my step dad’s 80th birthday celebration has been canceled. That’s tough for them. Even when the rules loosen up, I’m not sure how excited everyone will be to congregate. I’m looking forward to a day when people stop dying from this. I have been thinking of doing an online art class. With the traveling we normally do, it was difficult to find a class to fit my schedule. Maybe this is the answer. Stay healthy! xo

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  6. I love – and ache with – this post. It sure is a weird time. A time to be kind to ourselves, and those around us.

    And I am also impressed/in awe of those kinds of memories! Not me, I forget where I put my mobile down…

    Liked by 1 person

    • It all feels so bizarre, especially that this is a worldwide situation. So all encompassing, and so not good.

      Funny thing, as high functioning as those brains are… they constantly lose their keys, wallets, phones, etc… whereas, I tend to put things in the same place every time, every day, and so, there it is! I am a bit obsessive compulsive though, and I’m convinced at least 2 of my boys are ADD. 😁❤️

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