That damn desk


our little watch dog in the empty family room

We have a rather large concrete room off the kitchen-end of our 1939-built house. Our home is on a hillside, and the concrete room is the foundation for the 2 1/2 car garage the original homeowners added on after converting the one-car garage to a TV room in 1948. We know the year because when we remodeled the garage turned TV room, they used old newspapers for insulation. The papers were all dated 1948. Very fun to read. Interestingly enough, we have lived in this house (purchased from the original family) for going on 24 years, and we are currently on the third remodel of that one room. As mentioned in previous posts, our house was boarded up when we bought it in 1996 (Our own grey gardens). The first time we tackled the room, it was actually necessary for habitation. I wanted it for the boys’ play room and so we did what we could on a very limited budget. The room was crumbling in place as it was. We removed old cracked glass block where windows should have been, we covered the broken up linoleum tiles on the floor with thick padding and decent carpet. We put in a new wood fireplace surround and covered the acoustic tile ceiling with drywall. When they converted it from a garage to a TV room, they put in a fireplace since the room is directly above the office, on the main floor, which also had a fireplace. I am actually not a fan of wood-burning fireplaces, and this house came with four. We have since converted two of them to gas, and walled-up one of them. Since we didn’t have a lot of money back then we made some very frugal decisions, and mostly covered up the bad stuff, something I hate doing, but we did what we had to do. In the end, the room worked as a great play room for the boys and it was right across the hall from their bedroom.

Time passed, the boys grew out of their “play room” and we had a bit more money, so in 2006, we remodeled the room. At this point I wanted everything uncovered and replaced. It was a monster of a job because the house is old and things had shifted, but eventually it was done. The acoustic ceiling tiles were replaced with drywall and new can lights. The linoleum tiles were scraped up and the floor was floated and then re-carpeted with a high end wool wall to wall. Cheap window coverings were replaced with custom fabric blinds, the dated wood fireplace mantel was replaced with sleek steel and the wood burning fireplace was converted to a beautiful horizontal gas insert. Shelving was installed, plus a new 65″ television with 6-point speaker system and an old large sectional sofa from the office was reconfigured and re-upholstered in leather. We moved our business office in 2006 and so we had a number of furniture items that needed to be re-homed. That sofa, which had been purchased for our corporate office lobby, was one such piece. Another stranded piece of furniture was a large, old desk… but I’ll get back to that. This newly remodeled family room was a favorite game playing, movie watching spot of both our boys, but especially The Peacemaker and his friends. Nearly every weekend, teenage boys slept over on the big leather sofa. Sometimes I miss those days.

That family room held up quite nicely until one day last November a meth addict broke into our house and destroyed the room (meth addict). There was, quite literally, blood everywhere. He had attempted to jump out a large picture window after first throwing a huge planter through it. He cut himself quite badly. The Hazmat clean up crew came in that night and removed everything with blood on it, which included a big chunk of the wool carpeting, the upholstered coffee table, leather cushions from the sofa, window coverings, blankets, pillows, accessories, a chair, plus numerous items from my home office across the hall. The room sat mostly empty for months as the insurance company calculated the damage and sent in their team to replace the window, and the flooring. We chose hardwood to match the rest of the house, instead of carpeting. They also repainted all the walls. The room still sits mostly empty waiting for new furniture. The insurance company actually wanted us to replace everything versus trying to clean it. They didn’t want us to have PTSD from the bloodied items.

The one thing to survive the home invasion, was my $2500 elliptical, which was thoroughly cleaned by the Hazmat crew and then moved from the family room, where I used to use it while watching television, down to the big concrete room off the kitchen. That room has also had a number of iterations. When we purchased this house, that room was called the bomb shelter. Although it is made of concrete and has no windows, it does have a door to the outside, which would make it vulnerable to pretty much anything catastrophic, but I still to this day call it the bomb shelter. The original owners were LDS, Latter Day Saint, mormon and apparently they used the room for their “year’s supply.” It’s a mormon thing. Preparedness for catastrophic events. Some of my immediate family is mormon and I can tell you, they have not had to go shopping for any dry goods during this pandemic. When they say “year’s supply,” they mean it. Plenty of paper products, rice, flour, beans, canned goods, etc… they have this detailed way of moving items in and out to keep everything fresh. Not a bad idea at all!


pressing the apples for cider in the bomb shelter

Anyhoo…. our bomb shelter is currently being used as a hard cider making room, storage for canning supplies, and holiday needs, etc… There is a big industrial sink and an extra refrigerator plus last year we set up an amazing gym for The Peacemaker. We purchased a squat rack with lots of weight options, a bench, racks of free weights and medicine balls, and a big punching bag mounted to the ceiling plus mats, yoga supplies, and of course the elliptical.


Unfortunately, during the winter the room accumulated a bunch of outdoor deck furniture, BBQ, hoses, etc… and The Peacemaker has been wanting us to clean “our stuff” out of “his gym.” One item that sits quite prominently in the bomb shelter is the old desk that came out of Blue Eyes’ downtown office when we moved in 2006. Blue Eyes had been using it as a work surface for making his cider. The desk is, frankly, a huge trigger. It is the desk his secretary purchased for him all those years ago. His second acting out partner (feeding the beast). The woman he had sex with in his office. For some damn reason, he loves that desk. For all I know, he and his secretary had sex on that desk.

The Peacemaker had finally had it and two nights ago he decided he wanted his gym back. He put together some shelving his dad had purchased last year and started organizing some of the cider-making supplies. With his dad, he moved the deck furniture and BBQ back out onto the deck. He asked me about some boxes I needed to go through. I was happy he was making the effort, and I totally understood his need for organization in his workout space. So, we had a discussion about where things should go and I said I wanted to get rid of the big, old desk. The Peacemaker had no clue the history of that desk. He started to say he didn’t think we needed to get rid of it. That it worked well for cider making purposes. I said that it is way too large and would free up a lot of space and we could use the kitchen table for that part of the cider process. It’s much easier to keep clean in the kitchen anyway. He wasn’t exactly arguing with me, he just wasn’t agreeing with me. I didn’t want to go into why I didn’t want that desk around anymore. He said, “Dad really likes that desk.” I couldn’t take it anymore, so I just walked away. Blue Eyes has not wanted to get rid of that desk, for years. I’ve tried not to let it bother me thinking he really just likes the damn desk. But now I don’t see any need to keep it. It’s a trigger, a reminder of his bad acts. It concerns me that he would even want to keep it at this point, but I wasn’t up for a fight. I told The Peacemaker I would go through my things the next morning. I went up to my room and starting reading my book.

About 15 minutes later The Peacemaker came into my room and said he understood now. That we definitely needed to get rid of the desk. He said that Blue Eyes just told him that “the secretary” purchased the desk. The Peacemaker said he didn’t understand why his dad would want to keep that desk, it must be some kind of acting out situation, and therefore it should go. He said it must hold some sick memories. I was grateful he understood. Blue Eyes agreed, the desk should be gone.

Three days later, the desk still sits prominently in the bomb shelter. It’s a big, heavy solid wood desk and will need to be taken apart to be moved. Blue Eyes spent most of yesterday in his tea house, cleaning, rearranging, continuing to make it his special place. Not sure when he plans to take care of that desk, but one thing is for sure. I’m not touching it.


26 thoughts on “That damn desk

  1. That desk has to go. Perhaps Habitat for Humanity will pick it up? Not sure in this current situation. Back in the early days of discovery it took me about 9 months to piece together all of my husbands acting out with prostitutes. A couple of years prior to disclosure I attended a conference in Boston and when I came home he told me he had purchased an expensive classic car in California online and that he had to travel to SoCal to pick it up. I thought, “Great, let’s go” but he said, “no, I’m going alone and planning to visit with my HS friends.” I just said, OK because he and his HS friends have been meeting in SoCal for years as that is where they grew up and several still live there. Anyway, after the whole disclosure thing and in the process of putting together his out of town whoring trips, I realized that this fabulous classic convertible car was purchased so he could go back and visit his whores. After I calmed myself down and we/I had words with him about that car I said, “That car needs to be gone within two weeks or I am donating it to Planned Parenthood to auction off.” Every time I open the door to the garage and see that there I think of you fucking your whores. So, he got online and sold it for a fraction of the cost. He loved that car and we had a lot of fun driving it until we didn’t. I would then refer to that car as, “Your most expensive blow job ever”. I deleted and shredded every single picture of that car and it has been a long time since it has been brought up. My heart break, my rules. Life is still great down here in southern Arizona. The sun is out and the air is warm. We are walking, cooking and still golfing. Have no idea when it might be safe to return to the PNW and I’m good with that at the moment. Be safe and be well, Kat and family.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh yes, I think I remember the car story. Consequences. For now the desk sits in the garage covered in moving blankets. I’m not sure anyone is picking up right now, but that is his burden. I don’t think I have any pictures of that old desk… it’s no classic car, for sure. I’m so glad BE never acted out with other women in SoCal (also where he grew up and went to high school) as a couple of my favorite getaways are Santa Monica & Beverly Hills. The weather is gorgeous up here in Portland and our numbers are pretty low. I wouldn’t go back to Washington anytime soon though, unfortunately. So sad Seattle has taken such a big hit. I’m thinking of heading back to the beach house to help with my sinus infection/allergies. There’s always a downside to our beautiful warm weather… nothing to wash away the pollen. I’m loving the sun though! Same to you, Marie. Health & happiness to you and your entire family. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Kat–Good to hear you are doing well during all this craziness. Frankly I am having to work extra hard spending so much time together if you know what I mean! This pandemic has certainly put a twist on a lot of my thought processes and what I’m willing to remove from my life and psyche 🙂

    Yes. BE needs to get rid of that monstrosity and ASAP. Should have been done years ago IMHO. My h has a business card holder on his desk. It’s really hokey. It’s a golf scene from his favorite golf course. I’ve always had a suspicion the OW bought it for him. He says not. I tried to get rid of it and he about had a COW. It still sits on his desk. I want to “accidentally” break a piece off it. It has a tiny flag on it’s green. I could start with that and get some great satisfaction. But I probably won’t. Maybe I’ll just let it sit there to remind him what a jerk he was 😦

    Stay well. Stay safe.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Howdy, TH. Sounds like you are likewise doing just fine. Hanging in there! ❤️

      If only they actually felt like jerks. I think a lot are just fine believing what’s done is done and move on already. Like with the bc holder. If the OW didn’t gift it, then where did he get it? Why not just tell you why it’s important to him! Or is it like CR says, they just don’t want “us” telling them what to do!

      I think a lot of BE’s weirdness is below the surface. He doesn’t even acknowledge that an object or whatever means something to him. Like our son saying the desk must hold some sick secrets. I’m over most of the emotional stuff, but physical items have got to go! They really are, NOT like us!

      Enjoy spring. Stay healthy! xo

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s such a precarious situation. If you get rid of it, it’s almost like he wins, but seriously- he should be DYiNG to get rid of it for you.

    So much of what you do is for him, or to give him space in his recovery, and he needs to seriously give his head a shake. As far as I’m concerned it should be out in the yard as bonfire 🔥 fuel. He should have removed it with peacemaker as soon as that kid knew and said yeh it needs to go (well before then, actually).

    Does Blue eyes ever think ‘she’s asking me to pick my MARRIAGE’S side, not ‘her’ side’ —- this isn’t a competition between the two of you. It’s his acting out behaviour on one side, and smart loving couple decisions on the other

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hey CR. That desk came to our house long before I knew about his acting out. It’s just so large, I have never liked it. I honestly don’t think he likes it because it was part of his acting out behaviors, but because he actually likes the stupid thing. He knows it was purchased by the slutty secretary (unlike the sofa that was taken away after the break in, which was purchased by my designer friend after the secretary was gone). At this point he wants to get rid of the desk, but he certainly isn’t dying to do the work. Too bad the desk wasn’t in the destroyed family room. That would have saved him the effort.

      The Peacemaker wanted to move the desk at least to the garage immediately, but BE avoids physical labor whenever possible. But, YES, he should want to get rid of it for me and YES a lot of what I have done and what has been done in the past 6 years has been for him and his recovery. He is selfish. No doubt about it. Comes with the territory, I guess.

      I do agree that he often looks at it as what “she” wants versus what is good for the relationship, which should be the same thing at this point but yeah… he’s pretty trained to be defensive about everything. I keep trying to tell him that when I ask questions it’s because I want the answer, not because I am judging him or accusing him of anything. He’s extremely defensive even still to this day. The problem is, 40 years of habits are really really hard to break and my patience has run pretty thin. He read my post and says he needs a wrench he doesn’t have in order to take the desk apart. Funny thing though, The kid just found the wrench in the garage. Pretty sure he, at least, is on a mission to get rid of that desk.

      Liked by 4 people

    • “Does Blue eyes ever think ‘she’s asking me to pick my MARRIAGE’S side, not ‘her’ side’” – brilliant and right on point CR. I don’t have the therapy training to explain it, but we partners are often treated like an opponent. I’m sure it’s trauma related, but we get painted with the “controlling oppressor” brush when we haven’t done anything to cause that response. I think they’d love to make “smart loving couple decisions” but they seem to do so through a lens of “how is she trying to control me?” It’s exhausting.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yep. I couldn’t deal. Still all eggshells, all the things I had to change, fuck that noise. I’m just bummed it took me years to really be sure about it. Now I can’t believe I even wondered

        Liked by 2 people

      • I’ve contemplated my being put in the box with his oppressors so many times I cannot count. Not fair, NOT FAIR! Grow up guys! Years of sick and destructive thinking hidden behind charm and platitudes. Why is it so difficult for them to really think about us as vulnerable human beings being abused by them as they were abused by others. It is totally exhausting.

        Liked by 2 people

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