Missing those days

A friend sent this yesterday. I think it is beautifully written, and so true. The tears flowed. I’m missing my Brooklyn boy.

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The Last Time

From the moment you hold your baby in your arms,
you will never be the same.
You might long for the person you were before,
When you have freedom and time,
And nothing in particular to worry about.

You will know tiredness like you never knew it before,
And days will run into days that are exactly the same,
Full of feedings and burping,
Nappy changes and crying,
Whining and fighting,
Naps or a lack of naps,
It might seem like a never-ending cycle.

But don’t forget …
There is a last time for everything.
There will come a time when you will feed
your baby for the very last time.
They will fall asleep on you after a long day
And it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child.

One day you will carry them on your hip then set them down,
And never pick them up that way again.
You will scrub their hair in the bath one night
And from that day on they will want to bathe alone.
They will hold your hand to cross the road,
Then never reach for it again.
They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles,
And it will be the last night you ever wake to this.

One afternoon you will sing “the wheels on the bus”
and do all the actions,
Then never sing them that song again.
They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate,
The next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone.
You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your last dirty face.
They will run to you with arms raised for the very last time.

The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time
Until there are no more times.
And even then, it will take you a while to realize.

So while you are living in these times,
remember there are only so many of them
and when they are gone, you will yearn for just one more day of them.
For one last time.

-Author Unknown-

Even more than connecting with this piece, and remembering all those precious times with my boys, I miss the days of ignorance and innocence, before my world fell apart. It’s important that we cherish every day, but I also know how very difficult it is to always find the good, and always appreciate what we have, especially when our safety was ripped from us so cruelly. I am not an unhappy person, but I have been mistreated and those feelings stay. I am not an ungrateful person, but I do realize that so much is taken for granted and that I would give up all my material possessions to have not been lied to and betrayed.

At this point I can say that I truly cherish the moments the author is speaking of above. Raising children is a gift, and a progression towards their independence, that is the goal. But what I really really miss, is a time when I felt safe in the knowledge that my best friend, my partner, my mate, my husband, the father of my children, would never do anything to hurt me. Those are the times I miss most and on some days, the knowledge, the truth of all that, overwhelms me. Today, I’m doing my damndest to embrace that light. The struggle is real.

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13 thoughts on “Missing those days

  1. Oh, boy, what a lovely little guy! I think he has your eyes, at least in that pic.

    You have so much to cherish, Kat. You have raised children into wonderful adults. You know the love of a child, and the love of a mother for her child. I never had that. Long story short, we couldn’t have children. I always said that made more of me and my gifts available to my nieces, nephews, great-nieces, great-nephews and hundreds and hundreds of students.

    Being part of the growth of a child is an amazing gift. A treasure.

    I felt a LOT of the ‘mistreated’ feelings today – I use the word abuse (lies, betrayal, gaslighting, secret life, entitlement… etc.). I’ve calmed myself for the past few hours, but it hit pretty hard. It’s part of who we are now. The light gets in the broken places, but it can also shine out of those places too. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks, beleeme, both my boys have beautiful brown eyes (although our family as a whole, genetically, is filled with brown, hazel, green, and blue eyes) and I love both those boys to bits. I am appreciative of having the chance to raise them. I am also lucky to have so many nieces and nephews to dote on. And it’s so true that raising children, all children, in love and safety is vital. It takes a village.

      I’m having a very wacky Saturday, not exactly sure why, but I feel a completely immature post coming on… every once in a while I feel this way, concoct a crazy entry, then delete without posting. Not sure how today will end up!?! 🤪

      Liked by 2 people

        • About to head out on a walk now and then actually go out on a drive with BE and pick up the first of our CSA veggies. They have a bunch of rules in place out there. The farm mom is also a doc at a women’s medical clinic for low income/migrant workers and she takes this very seriously but also wants people eating healthy food. I’m still planning on doing my immature post this afternoon. I do like to keep it real! 😘

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow, the timing of this blog is impeccable. I have been going through old photo albums over the past three days and thinking this very same thing. I even said to my husband earlier today that I miss our old lives, when our kids were small. Thank you for articulating what else I miss…the days when I felt safe and secure. When I never could have imagined the deceit and betrayal that I would one day endure, when my kids were big. I will articulate this realization to my husband now, because I want him to understand that too. Thank you again. 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

    • Hi Catherine. Some of the feelings of betrayal trauma are so similar I think it’s important to share so we don’t all live in isolation. We need to feel understood and validated and not alone in this. It doesn’t make it all go away, but for me it helps remind me I’m not crazy for feeling this way. ❤️

      Liked by 3 people

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