This meme was sent to Blue Eyes last week by his sister. The unfortunate thing about having really awful parents, sometimes the wounds are so deep, we simply cannot see that not only haven’t we dealt with the abuse and subsequent fallout, but we are in fact perpetuating the abuse, carrying it forward, and abusing others. This is definitely the case with Blue Eyes and his sister (and their brother who committed suicide in 2010). Each in their own way, they suffered as children, and as adults, and in turn they vomited abuse all over their partners and children. It’s a fucking vicious cycle.

I know I sound like Judgy McJudgerson, but I have done a lot of work on myself in the past decade and although no parents are perfect and I am a child born of really young and inexperienced parents who divorced when I was six, they were not narcissists or physically or emotionally abusive. What I went through was just regular life shit. Yes, I learned to take care of myself at a very young age, and then take care of my mentally ill little sister. And somehow on my more challenging days I somehow feel responsible for the welfare of EVERYONE. Yes, I am a caretaker and require a certain level of organization and control in my life and YES, I have OCD tendencies. I’m not unaware of my own personality issues. But my personality lends itself to taking care of others, not taking advantage of them. Being aware of what I’m up against helps me take care of myself.

Last week I got a call from the sister in law. It was the first time I had heard from her in months. Thankfully she and Blue Eyes have developed a civil relationship in dealing with the issues of their father and I have been kept mostly out of it. She knows through Blue Eyes that I have been dealing with my own aging mother and step father. It’s been difficult. Due to my divorced parents, Blue Eyes and I together have six parents. My Father and Step Mother, my Mother and Step Father, and his Mother and Father. My step parents have been in my life since I was six, so 56 years now. Blues Eyes’ father is the oldest at nearly 91. My step mother is the youngest at 78. At one point a few years ago Blue Eyes and I tried to predict who of our parents would go first, second, etc… Don’t ask me why. Probably just trying to absorb the reality of it all. We both thought my step dad would go first with his terminal cancer diagnosis over 12 years ago, then my dad as he struggled with diabetes for years, was in a wheelchair due to neuropathy and also dialysis dependent. Then possibly Blue Eyes’ dad as he was by far the oldest. After that it was all moms and we honestly figured Blue Eyes’ mom would outlive us all. We were wrong. My dad went first, a brutal battle with diabetes complications just a few weeks before covid broke. Blue Eyes’ mom died in her sleep two years ago.

Even though my mother in law is no longer with us, as they say, her legacy of really destructive parenting lives on. Even though my sister in law sent the above meme, and I know she has deep seated insecurities, she continues to treat others really badly. She gets that she hurts, but she doesn’t get how she’s hurting others. She refuses therapy.

She and her husband invited her father over for dinner a couple weeks ago at which point they discussed the fact that he had taken her off his medical directive (she had been the only one with medical power for years for both parents, apparently) and replaced her with her younger daughter, and Blue Eyes. Her feelings were hurt. She asked him why. He told her she was too emotional and not very smart. She told me she then refused to make dinner, left the house, drove to a park, and cried for 30 minutes straight. Frankly, I don’t get it. Her father is mean, always has been. She came as part of the package when he married her mother, and we have heard so many stories of her bad behavior over the years and he really doesn’t like her. None of this is new. She sees him the most (by her own doing, mostly out of feelings of responsibility and her need to control his life) so she gets what she gets. I honestly wished I liked her more, but as previously discussed, she is not a nice or good person. She hasn’t done any work on herself or acknowledged her abhorrent behavior towards, well, anyone.

I do think the above meme is spot on. Especially when dealing with narcissists and abusive parents. They manipulate and train their children to depend on their approval which is never given. They obliterate self worth. Blue Eyes’ dad has now acknowledged Blue Eyes’ business success. Too little, too late. I do think Blue Eyes now truly understands his parents, however, that doesn’t mean he’s not forever broken.

So, the real reason the sister in law called me. She wanted to tap into my knowledge regarding Borderline Personality Disorder and Bi-Polar Disorder. She thinks their nephew, the 16 year old son of the brother who committed suicide, is Bi Polar. She thinks she needs to intervene. She thinks her dead brother was bi polar. I thought we all already knew that? She lives in a weird alternate reality created by her mom, who did not “believe in” mental illness. On the drive back to his retirement home (she did eventually come back to the house and drive her dad home that night) she discussed with her dad her thoughts on his grandson being bi polar. Her dad said, “all that bi polar mental illness stuff is bullshit.” And there you have it. At this point the guy doesn’t even acknowledge that he had a son who committed suicide. He thinks The Peacemaker, my younger son, is his son and that Blue Eyes and I had a son who took his own life. Now, I’m not going to make excuses for Blue Eyes at this point, but how could ANYONE come out of that family even remotely sane is beyond me.