First, I will say, that living 30 years with an undiscovered and therefore unrecovered addict, and another 12 years with a recovering addict, now, in the year 2026, things aren’t bad.

I guess, at this point, as the wife of a sex addict, I can say, things are good. Our marriage is fine. Nobody’s going anywhere. Apparently Blue Eyes is a fucking unicorn. Sure we can all say we don’t know what we don’t know. People can scoff and snicker and call me a fool, however, I’m no fool. I’ve done the hard yards and I’ve come out the other side of this nightmare. Whatever happens now, will not cripple me. I can only “do” me. I’m good. I’m happy with where I’m at with Blue Eyes. I still make stupid little remarks about Blue Eyes’ “girlfriend” because that’s who I am. All my Dad’s kids got this sarcastic streak. After nearly 42 years together, Blue Eyes knows this about me and he no longer takes me seriously or internalizes bad feelings about himself. He knows it’s me being me. Love me or leave me. I’m fine either way.

Due to some crazy algorithm or AI or who knows what, my blog has been getting hundreds of reads a day from multiple countries. I’ve gone back through a number of my old posts now. What a crazy 12 years this has been. Not just in regard to Blue Eyes and his addiction, but also our lives as business owners (people come and go, including siblings) and homeowners (arbitrations, and home invasions, and retirement choices) and parents (overcoming addiction and a “new” trans daughter) and most disappointingly, the state of our nation (not going to go there). This is not a political venue for me, and I don’t want to go that route. I have stated my thoughts before about who I am as a person and how I vote and where I stand. Anyone who has ever read this blog knows a lot about me and how I feel.

I think going through the pain of writing my life out as the recovering wife of a sex addict has helped me cope with everything going on now. This past couple days, my younger child and I drove from Ojai to Portland. A trip we make 2-3 times a year. We have taken to listening to “books on tape” for most of the journey. Because we regularly go through the Salinas Valley in California as part of our trip up and down the 101/1, we thought listening to John Steinbeck’s East of Eden would be “fun.” Definitely not as fun as we thought. Now we’ve honed in on benign mystery novels and/or a Podcast titled “Small Town Murders.” Yesterday, before starting up the audiobook we were half way through, somehow the topic of The Pragmatist and her fiancee came up. I’m still kind of obsessing over the attack on my personality by The Pragmatist & Sunny over the winter break:

Still searching…

I’ve come to the conclusion that for me there is some trauma where these young people are concerned. My child felt it appropriate to attack my personality because her partner was having a bad day. I know Sunny has narcissistic tendencies that sometimes remind me of my now deceased mother in law. It makes me sad, but it is what it is. My big issue is that instead of being there for her partner and commiserating with her or whatever, my child decides to bring it all down on me, not defend me. All those years of Blue Eyes watching the abuse of me by his mother, not once did he defend me or shut his mother down. So at this point, even though there is some pain, I’m done letting people bother me. I am who I am. Love me for who I am or fucking leave me alone.

It’s super difficult to shut down those in-grained personality traits like nurturing, taking care of everyone, filling the gaps, letting people walk all over me without fighting back. I’m done. I have no energy or desire to fight back, or in fact, to continue taking the abuse. At 62 years old, I’m done letting people suck the life out of me. I put it here to remind myself to JUST WALK AWAY.