If I died tomorrow

/ CrazyKat1963

Blue Eyes and I returned this morning from a business trip back east. It was one of those whirlwind situations where he scheduled like 14 meetings a day including all meals with clients. I was semi prepared for this, it’s Blue Eyes after all. But because I’m still kinda melancholy over the loss of my good friend, it was a bit triggering.

Honestly, he loves his work and I get this but most people don’t live their life so black or white, hot or cold, off or on. The trip was almost all business except for the snippets of time I snuck in. We arrived on a Saturday so you would think we had at least a day to settle into NYC. After checking in to our apartment hotel, apparently Airbnbs are a thing of the past in Manhattan and there was so much going on in the city that hotel prices were crazy high, we had dinner together at Ivan Ramen. Very tasty.

Ivan Ramen, Clinton St.

On Sunday evening we had dinner with The Pragmatist and her new boyfriend, and then Blue Eyes and I finally saw Hamilton. Very cool.

Richard Rodgers Theatre. I really enjoyed our Mezzanine seats.

If I hadn’t planned these things though, he would have just worked. He did have meetings on Sunday.

And the next five days was nothing but work for him. If I don’t demand time, he doesn’t even think about giving me any, but for sure he wants me to go on these trips, yeah, it will be great. I missed my Peacemaker. My son is the best travel companion. We do lots of fun stuff together. He stayed home with our aging dog.

Once I knew we were going to Boston, I decided to do a day excursion by myself. I was thinking Salem, MA as I had been to Boston quite a few times and seen about everything a tourist can, except maybe an art exhibit or two. My very first trip to Boston was 26 years ago with my friend Dee. The more I reminisced, the more I decided I would go back to Martha’s Vineyard. We had been there on a very stormy May day in 2000. The ferry was quite an adventure. This time it was a beautiful day. I probably looked a sad sack to the other people on the tour, mostly couples. I was merely lost in my thoughts. I actually really like being alone.

The tour was: pick up at Boston hotel by van. Transportation to Falmouth Passenger Ferry, Ferry to Oak Bluffs, Martha’s Vineyard, 3 hour bus tour, 3 hours on our own in Oak Bluffs, Ferry back to Falmouth, then van back to hotel. All in all a 13 hour excursion. Exhausting, but nice.

A couple highlights:

50th Anniversary of the movie Jaws, filmed pretty exclusively on Martha’s Vineyard.
A few of the 318 super cute Gingerbread Cottages that define summer in Oak Bluffs
My delicious Connecticut style (warm & buttery) lobster roll at Lookout Tavern

I miss my friend. We traveled well together. I’m glad I visited Martha’s Vineyard in memory of Dee.

So I guess my question to Blue Eyes:

If I died tomorrow, would you feel like you had been a good partner. Do you feel like you gave me the time I deserved. Do you feel like you loved me well. Would you have done anything differently the past 12 years, post dday.

We can’t take back what was done, but we can do better.

While watching Hamilton, which was mighty powerful all the way through, when Eliza Hamilton sang ‘Burn,’ you could hear a pin drop. The woman next to me was crying, it was like the whole audience was holding its breath and a piece of our hearts broke…

ELIZA: 
“I saved every letter you wrote me
From the moment I read them I knew you were mine
You said you were mine
I thought you were mine

Do you know what Angelica said when we saw your first letter arrive?
She said 
“be careful with that one love, he will do what it takes to survive”

You and your words flooded my senses
Your sentences left me defenseless
You built me palaces out of paragraphs
You built cathedrals
I’m re-reading the letters you wrote me
I’m searching and scanning for answers
In every line
For some kind of sign
And when you were mine
The world seemed to

Burn, burn

You published the letters she wrote you
You told the whole world how you brought
This girl into our bed
In clearing your name, you have ruined our lives
Do you know what Angelica said
When she read what you’d done?
She said
“You have married an Icarus
He has flown too close to the sun”

You and your words, obsessed with your legacy
Your sentences border on senseless
And you are paranoid in every paragraph
How they perceive you

You, you, you

I’m erasing myself from the narrative
Let future historians wonder
How Eliza reacted when you broke her heart
You have torn it all apart
I’m watching it
Burn
Watching it burn

The world has no right to my heart
The world has no place in our bed
They don’t get to know what I said
I’m burning the memories
Burning the letters that might have redeemed you
You forfeit all rights to my heart
You forfeit the place in our bed
You sleep in your office instead
With only the memories
Of when you were mine
I hope that you burn”

I feel like at this point, more than 11 years from opening on Broadway, that I was the only person in this country who hadn’t seen this musical on some stage, in some city, somewhere in America. But if you haven’t seen this song sung, find it, watch it. It’s that powerful.

💔

8 thoughts on “If I died tomorrow”

  1. I haven’t seen it. Obviously not American, but once Kathryn Ryan tore the story apart in her comedy show a few years back, I didn’t know if I could ever see it.

    But with time and a bit more healing, I think I need to see it before I die.

    I’d be so interested to hear what Blue Eyes would say to your question.

    I’m so glad you carved out some time for you. Some not work.

    And that you got to spend valuable alone time remembering Dee xxx

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    • So, I had never heard of Katherine Ryan. Apparently she’s a Canadian comedian? I watched the bit. Hmmm. I hadn’t seen Hamilton because there was so much hype for so long the shows were incredibly expensive and when it was in Portland, we weren’t.

      I have not heard one other person trash it. And, if you know the story, you know she doesn’t know the story. Not the one from the show, or from the book by Ron Chernow, or the actual story. Or the fact that the brilliance of the show is Manuel Lin Miranda and the cast, not Alexander Hamilton. The music and choreography are incredible. The way he goes about crafting that musical is amazing. I wasn’t expecting anything and was blown away. The story could be about anyone. You definitely don’t have to be American to enjoy this play although the general story represents a bit of American history. Go ahead, everyone, please trash America. The funny songs of the musical are the ones sung by the King George III’s character. That actor is amazing. Worth seeing for those bits alone.

      You know I am a very literal person and you know how I feel about negative energy. Eliza and Alexander Hamilton had two Philips because their oldest child, Philip, died. They named their last baby Philip in his honor. The woman who came to the Hamilton home was specifically there to seduce Hamilton so she and her husband could blackmail him. Which they did, in reality, history. It was a long con and Hamilton loved writing and specifically writing letters. His ego, his cheating, and exposing those letters to clear himself of embezzlement was his undoing and the source of the pain in the song burn. The hero of the story and the person who has the final song of the musical is the wife. Hamilton is killed before the show even ends. Dueling, classic male stupidity.

      I hope someday you see it if for nothing more than to see that much talent in a cast of non-white people.

      I await BE’s response to my question!

      ❤️

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    • Funny. I just looked to see if the musical had traveled to NZ, which it did after Australia in 2023. In NZ they used a NZ actor to play the part of George Washington.

      If you are like my sister in law, you will say you have no idea who that is. That is what she said about the actor that stayed at the beach house. 😂

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