On being an addict

1604895_756889967746550_4417481552340654040_nBelow is an old blog post Blue Eyes wrote while he was working on his fourth step. I thought I had read everything on his blog, but somehow I missed this. Honestly, I think this post speaks so very clearly to his struggle with being an addict. It was extremely difficult for me to read because as he said the same things over and over, the same concepts, the same fears, I could literally feel his emotions rising up in my own chest. I could feel the tenseness and anxiety. I could feel the fear. In my opinion he has made great strides since he wrote this post. I can see the progress. As two flawed people, we continue to work this path together.

Will you hold my hand

19750goscvtuljpgIncoherent Thoughts on Fear

My therapist thought it would be a good idea for me to journal about Fear and specifically as it relates to Women, my mother, the last acting out partner, and my soulmate. Of course I have been in fear about writing this and naturally put it off until I could not take it anymore…

Women in General – because of the relationship with my mom I definitely was uncomfortable and feared woman. I did not know how to have a normal relationship with a woman. I was always latching on, moving to quickly, sexually tilted craving relationships, I would scare woman away. I think I did this because I did not feel worthy and was trying to put a bandage on this huge wound of abandonment. I can remember rejecting girls and later women that had interest in me because I just was afraid and scared…

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10 thoughts on “On being an addict

  1. Kat…I read quite a bit of BE’s blog and I have to say, I don’t know that Will can ever get that honest with himself or anybody else. I have an odd question for you. Do you think your hubby would answer some hard questions about the affairs in his life from someone like me? I want some answers about why addicts choose to have affairs rather than just pick up sex and I can’t trust Will with the lame half answers I’ve gotten from him. No pressure. Just thought I would get your thoughts on the idea. If it’s totally out of your comfort zone, or his, I completely get it. Thanks for sharing this post btw…I don’t know that I would have found his blog I’d you hadn’t and it was really good (albeit sometimes difficult) for me to read. You are awesome to be willing to be so open about your journey and to graciously offer to share his as well through your site. You are an inspiration. ❤️

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    • I’m glad he is writing. He doesn’t post very often, and sometimes his writing drives me crazy, like a bunch of other stuff he does ;), but I think it is really important that he can be so honest and vulnerable with his feelings. All that stuff they hide inside needs to come out somehow. This particular post made me so uncomfortable and I think that was important to me. To feel that level of anxiety coming from his words. It was important for me to acknowledge it. I hope you are well, Kaye. I think of you often. ❤

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  2. Kat, I just came across your husband’s blog a few days ago and have read it through in its entirety. It took me a couple days, and I really struggled with his posts about his 4th step – they were heavy read for me. He writes very well by the way and I’m so grateful for a rare insight into the addicts’ mind (sorry for generalising, but hey, I take responsibility for that).

    I really wanted to just reflect on the quote above: how I find it so hard to go back to that place where I dare to show my fears and flaws (to my husband) – I know the quote was supposed to relate here the other way around (where he shows his fears and thus creates a space for others’ – you – to be vulnerable), but I have a hard time accepting that although I once was completely vulnerable with him, not knowing what he was, the space I created was not there for him to do the same but to abuse me in many ways. To abuse my vulnerability. Now, I have come to realise through hard work that what I expect from him is that exact vulnerability you discovered in his quoted post, but I have an immense fear that I will not be able to “do the same”, to be vulnerable again with him. My walls are so high and I am afraid I won’t be able to take them down, even if he works super hard to help me (which he doesn’t just yet but I’m in no rush).

    Have you been through a torment like this? Sorry if I’m not explaining this too well, I’ll work through the feelings in a more detailed post shortly, maybe that will be more clear.

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    • I know exactly what you are saying, shattered, and I know how difficult this all is to put into words. The quote from above was actually posted elsewhere by the wife of a sex addict and it was posted in terms of her own fears and flaws and how by sharing them with others, and others likewise sharing, a whole world of healing has opened up. So, when I posted the above, I was actually not just posting in terms of my husband, but in terms of me too. I know a lot of betrayed wives and specifically wives of sex addicts feel completely humiliated by this traumatic journey. We feel alone and afraid and sometimes we cover that all up with protestations of how unfair the whole things is, about our pain, about our suffering, which is very very real. I have spent the better part of two years trying to figure out how he could have done this to ME!!! But, his journey truly is not about me. He is not who I thought he was, BUT he is someone. I have also spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out if the someone that he IS, is someone I want to be with. It is an ongoing journey. Being vulnerable now is very scary. We were vulnerable before and they took that for granted, because they are sick and broken. Nothing was ever going to be enough to fix them, certainly not us, they were broken a long time ago. They weren’t honest with themselves or with anyone else, so we were playing a game we had no idea we were playing. Now that we know the truth, we need to heal ourselves and part of doing that is being vulnerable… showing our own fears and flaws. This is for us, not for them. We all have baggage and healing to do. Unfortunately, especially at first, their healing is a bit mutually exclusive from ours because they not only have the pain, guilt, shame, whatever from what they have to done to us and others for so many years, in secret (their children, friends, family, whatever), but they also have to deal with what we are feeling now and it is overwhelming. It takes time for them to get to a place where they can absorb it and then, hopefully, the empathy piece slowly starts to come into the picture. It has to be slow otherwise there is the risk they will burst. It will be too much and their recovery will stall, or even go backwards. Relapses are common because this shit is hard. Not fun for anyone. Not fair to us. We have choices.

      So, the answer to your last question. Yes. I have been through a torment like this. I am forever changed. The thing is, my greatest fault if I am being honest, is I allowed myself to be too vulnerable without knowing it. I gave him the power to hurt me in such an all encompassing way and then, temporarily, I was so caught up in the trauma that I let the relationship between me and a sex addict take power over my own relationship with myself. I have come out of that storm and it will never happen again. The acting out is not the problem, their underlying psychological issues are the problem. My husband is constantly facing his demons now… without their drug, they have no choice. So far I have chosen to stay with my husband and I do hope in the end we are an example of that glimmer of hope that an addict can recover and that a spouse can be happy staying with the man she loves. I have compassion in spades for others, including my husband. I am learning to have an even greater understanding and compassion for me. I know my husband loves me and wants me and wants a life with me. I only questioned that very early on, in the first days maybe, and only in the most broken part of me, but him wanting and loving me is not what is the issue here. He needs to want to beat his addiction. What is of greatest issue here is what do I really want? We each have the power to answer that for ourselves. It is the most difficult part of this journey on most days but it is an intimately personal one and that is where this gets scary. No one else can help us answer the question of what we really want for ourselves. We have to first be happy with who we are before we can even begin to have a relationship with someone else. It seems most of us get this backwards. I know I did. Shattered, I wish you much strength and peace on this journey. ❤

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    • Yeah, as I read and he went round and round and said the same things and I could tell when he was writing it that the pain and anxiety were very real, but at least he was facing it. I often sit and think about people having gone through this betrayal drama (even without addiction) and wonder if their lives are anything like they were before. For BE and his addiction, it is not the same at all. Our lives are completely changed. Having his secret exposed is like being naked and raw and not having any way of coping with it other than just living it. It is difficult and painful and hopefully at some point really rewarding. I’m not sure he is quite there yet. It is also painful to watch.

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