I hate pretending

Journal Entry: March 1, 2014.

Last night and today have been rough. Before everything came out, before D-Day, he had made plans with an old high school friend and her husband. They were going to be in town and wanted to know if we wanted to go to a Jazz Concert with them. We planned to have dinner before the concert. They would stay through the weekend. We would spend some time on Saturday with them and another dinner was planned. At the time it sounded alright. Our life is always so busy, that I usually prefer to spend my weekends simply and quietly and I am not generally looking for new friendships. In my current state of trying to deal with my broken life, two days was completely unreasonable.

Acting like a normal person is destroying me.

I got through Saturday dinner and as we walked in the door late Saturday night, I lost it. All the strength I had gathered to hold it together for two days, to socialize with people I had never met, to pretend like I had a normal marriage, had taken its toll. There was just plainly nothing left. I cried uncontrollably. I cried for an hour straight. I cried myself to sleep with haunting thoughts of how my life is a lie, my marriage is a joke. I woke up feeling alone. Today I have vacillated between trance and depression. Unwanted visions overwhelm my thoughts, hourly. I long for the day when I can get through a four hour block of time without thoughts of my husband’s indiscretions.

I hate pretending like my life is normal, or even good. It will break me.

2 thoughts on “I hate pretending

  1. I know this is an older post, but how did your husband respond to your breakdowns? I’m literally reading through every post starting from the beginning. It’s like I’m reading my own thoughts and experiences in so many ways. I would never want anyone to have to go through this, but it I cannot express the relief I feel in knowing I’m not the only who feels this way or has felt this way. I need this validation! I need to know I’m not crazy and the problem isn’t because I can’t let go. There is so much crap out there that damages spouses even more! It’s like there is nowhere to turn because any attempt to get help for yourself ends up hurting more then to go home and be met with no compassion or empathy from the one who destroyed as they find new ways to destroy us further. I think most of us are seeking validation for all the hurt and hoping one person is willing to speak out in our defense and make us feel safe after our security has been taken from us.

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