Journal Entry: Sunday, March 2, 2014, 7:40pm
About six weeks ago I wrote a letter to my husband’s acting out partner. I know I am not supposed to have any contact with this horrible woman who calls my phone all the time but does not leave a message. She blocks her number so that I cannot block her calls, but we know it is her because there is actually a handy dandy app for the iPhone that unblocks blocked numbers. It’s like magic. Magic for the creepy world we live in where people call you all the time to torture you, but don’t have the guts to leave their number unblocked. Well, the joke’s on her. We know it is her and we are keeping a log. Unless the joke is actually that she had sex with my husband dozens and dozens of times over an eight year period, in which case, the joke is on me.
I have edited the letter to her numerous times. I really really really want to send this letter, but I have been forbidden to have contact with this woman in any way, for my own good and for my husband’s good, and for the good of our marriage. Writing it is okay, but sending it is not. This fucking sucks.
In hopes that it will help me feel a teeny bit better, I am going to share the letter here now.
To: XXXXX
I am writing this letter to you even though our therapists have suggested it is not a good idea. The reason they do not think it is a good idea is because from what they know about you (coming from my husband, of course) they feel like you will not believe me, that most likely you rationalized your behavior with a married man because my husband misrepresented our marital relationship in order to garner sex, control and manipulate you, and that you have demons of your own to deal with, and that writing a letter will only continue communication with you, which they think is a very bad idea. I, on the other hand, feel like you should be able to understand where I am coming from and understand that I do not want to hear from you, ever again. I am not sure why you called me in the first place. You apparently wanted me to know about your time with my husband. I am not sure what your motives were, but I believed what you said in your phone messages, and I expect you to believe what I am writing to you here. And, even if you do not believe me, at least I will feel I have done what I can to set the record straight. I am being honest with you regarding where I am coming from and regarding my relationship with my husband, a relationship that spans more than 30 years.
I did not know about your dysfunctional relationship with my husband until you called my phone, despite your crazy rantings to the contrary. When I found your email all those years ago, my husband told me there was nothing between you two and I believed him. I know he believed it too. There actually was nothing between you two as people. You represented an illness in him, not a human being. He was trying to self manage an illness he knew he had, an illness he did not know how to define. He manipulated you. I never suspected he had used you for sex, or that he would continue to do so due to his addiction. I would never do such a thing to him (or anyone), so I would never think he would do that to me, but I am not an addict. I shudder to think about how you garnered my mobile phone number, but I know you have had it for a while as my husband has admitted to erasing “no caller id” calls from you in the past from my phone log, not to mention the numerous phone calls to the home phone over the years that went unanswered. Bottom line, I don’t want you to keep deluding yourself. My husband created a self-sabotaging secret life. You were merely a small, but very sick part of that secret and you certainly were not unique, nor were you the only one. My husband has been diagnosed as a sex addict.
My husband’s sex addiction stems from his childhood and how he was raised. I have been dealing with his parents for 30 years; I have seen them in action many times. They are cruel people. To a certain extent, I have been dealing with my husband’s sex addiction for 30 years, but we just did not know what to call his behavior, until recently. Obviously his sexual addiction is not the only byproduct of his upbringing. As I am sure you are aware, he suffered and continues to suffer from physical illness related to stress. I was completely unaware of the extent of his sexual indiscretions and, honestly, I also know my husband did not know how to explain to anyone his affliction and the accompanying behavior and feelings of guilt and shame. Why do you think there were such long periods between your sexual encounters with him and that he was constantly trying to break things off with you? It was not because he was or was not getting sex, love or affection from me or someone else. It was not because he was lonely or in a loveless marriage. He was trying to self manage his addiction, his addiction to manipulating women for sex. My husband has now acknowledged his own reality and is in recovery.
I have been with my husband for over 30 years and we have been married for 25 and I have not once thought about divorce. We have spent our entire marriage loving each other and building a family. Here are a few things I want you to know while you are pondering this so-called “relationship” you had with my husband:
- I take my marriage vows very seriously and I swore to love and cherish my husband in sickness and in health. I intend to keep those vows for the rest of my life.
- My husband is a sick puppy. I think you are too. He needs help and instead of helping him get that help, most likely due to your own sickness, you fed his illness. You gave him something that was just plain wrong and unhealthy for both of you and frankly I do not understand why you would agree to such an empty relationship.
- You will not be part of our lives in any way. You will never “have” my husband again. You will never have his companionship, his attention, or his body. You never had his love.
- My husband is receiving extensive therapeutic help for his illness.
Perhaps during the course of your deviant sexual relationship with my husband, you tried to rationalize that you were important to him. You were wrong. You embarrass him. I can assure you, my husband cherishes his family and if not for his addiction, he never would have placed that Craig’s List ad in the first place. You are the only person who answered that ad. That does not make you special, just a default. You are like drugs, alcohol, or poker. You are the evil substance that haunts him on his worst days. You are not the love of his life or even a love of his life. You have not sat with him for hours in hospitals and loved and nurtured him through surgery after surgery. You have not given birth to his children and built a family based on love and devotion with him. You do not run his business, and share his home. You do not make his meals or go out in public with him. You do not legitimately travel with him on vacations. You do not share a healthy sexual relationship with him. You hide in hotel rooms while he pretends you don’t exist. You are not important to him. What he shared with you makes me very, very sad and I do not ever want to know a person that would feed drugs to a drug addict and enjoy it. I can only assume you are a lonely woman in that you would agree to a relationship that was so obviously about vacuous sex. Did you really get angry when he traveled with us, his family? When you started spouting off about the places you had traveled to with my husband, were you just trying to inform me, or did you think we were in some sick competition? My husband was never going to have a relationship with you. There was nothing special about the few business trips you were on with him. He travels on extended business trips numerous times per year many of them with me. I know what they are like. He is also a workaholic. That is why I plan lavish vacations to places like Rome, London, Paris, Spain, Greece, Hawaii, Mexico, etc… We travel all the time to 5 star hotels and I get his undivided attention. There is no competition here. Who do you think you are? How could you possibly think that he would leave me for you or that what you had was anything more than a sick game being played by two sick people? My husband continued seeing you because you were easily manipulated. Did he seem like he ever wanted more than a quickie? Think about it.
The truth is, my husband is a sex addict. If you want to understand the black hole you were sucked into and why he never wanted more than sex with you, do a little research on the addiction. It is about control. In my husband’s case, controlling a secret life that did nothing but cause him pain and stress from the guilt and shame. The illness is not about me, or even you. It is about him. He is getting help.
Do not give yourself false hope. Do not believe in your heart that my husband loves you, or at this point, even wants you–he used to tell any woman that he loved her, if she would hug and hold him and give him sex when he desired it. For acting out partners, my husband preyed on weak, sometimes abused women with low self esteem. It made you/them much more vulnerable to his lies. He lied, a lot. Let me say that again. THIS MAN YOU SUPPOSEDLY CARE ABOUT, LIED TO YOU, A LOT!!! Yeah, I know, he loves silk panties and being tied up, being “ridden”, and being dominated. We have played out this scenario for years. My husband is nothing if not ritualistic. There are many other things my husband loves that you will never, ever know. You are not special. Sex does not make a relationship. He is a sex addict and the sex with you and other women (yes, you were not special or unique, there were others—you may want to get tested for STDs) was a sick game of manipulation, he was trying to fill an empty void from his childhood. Unfortunately, hiding a sick, secret sex life never does fill that void—it only makes the addict feel more alone and more shameful. You are shameful. Do not delude yourself. And, because I am a proud woman, I have to get this out… My husband and I have sex, quite a lot, all the time really, and any and every way we both like. We have a very loving, nurturing relationship. He lied to you and others in order to create a secret life and he continued to lie to you so he had that drug waiting for him when he thought he needed it. All sex addicts lie to get sex. Actually, most men who have sex outside their marriage lie and rationalize their depraved behavior. They will literally tell you ANYTHING they think will get you to give them sex. I always question the women who believe their garbage. The drug my husband was seeking was not sex, the drug was control and manipulation. If you really think about it, didn’t you feel manipulated and used? You were, because that is what sex addicts do. Just like any other addict, they will lie and manipulate to get what they want.
Move on knowing you had an empty sexual relationship with a sick man, and then you tried to break apart a marriage, and you failed. You must never try to contact my husband or me again, in any way. We do not want to have any further communication with you, ever.
From: The wife
So, there you have it. The rantings of a pissed off wife who cannot believe her husband had sex with a delusional, hoarding, alcoholic whore from the wrong side of the tracks for eight years. I cannot send this, or any letter to this crazy bitch, and it sucks!
try not to cry on my rainbow 
Hi Kat,
I can completely understand why it wasn’t a good idea for you to send this email to your husband’s acting out aid (to me, “partner” is a positive term reserved for those in respected positions, therefore does not apply to the person a sex addict used to fulfill his addiction) and you are right, she is a crazy bitch who would completely discredit you and not believe a word of it. I did write an email to my husband’s ‘aid’ 6 months ago (a year and a half into his recovery), and hit send.
I know that she read the email, because the next day her LinkedIn and Facebook pages disappeared. I often wondered if she was hoping that our marriage was going to break down and fall apart, and I kept an eye on her social media from time to time. The aid had dated my husband for just over a year in the mid 80’s and she seemed quite stuck in that time of her life. She had stalked him for many years.
Hitting send for me was liberating and cathartic. I explained that while my husband had taken full responsibility for his actions and behaviour, and as insignificant as she is, she was also partly responsible. She knew he was a married man. She did not care one iota about what her sick, sad and pathetic decision to pursue a married man might do to his wife and children.
When I busted him, (right after he sent a text about “pumping his hot come into her”) I immediately called her number and introduced myself as his wife. I was traumatized, shocked and very upset. I called her a home wrecker and a bitch and of course she hung up on me. My two teenage daughters heard everything play out and were also traumatized when they realized that their dad had cheated on their mom. I texted her and told her that I had 2 teenage girls in tears and her response was “you should be ashamed of yourself”. That my husband “did not break his vows” and that perhaps something is “wrong with your marriage”. I was enraged and further traumatized by her comments. She did her best to remove the blame from herself and my husband and put it on me. It was unbelievable and surreal. I was just beginning to realize what a complete shit stain my husband was, and the ‘aid’ wanted me to think it was all my fault. My god. Who does that? What kind of woman does that to another woman?
The purpose of my email was to inform her that my husband had an illness, an illness that had existed for decades, in fact, most of his life, which he was now in therapy for. I wanted to her know how little he thought of her, that his parents (who she was quite fond of back in the day) knew what had transpired and that any memories they had of her where tinged with loathing and disgust as her actions caused grief to their beloved grandchildren. I referred to the events that took place as a “gift in a garbage bag” pointing out that she was the “garbage bag”.
I wanted her to know that my husband deeply regretted having contact with her and that by working through his issues in counselling, he had morphed into the kindest, most loving, caring genuine person that I knew always existed inside of him. I wanted her to know that she was also sick and that she needed help too and that perhaps she would think twice before ever pursuing a married man again. I wanted her to know that she was the loser and that me, my husband and our children are the winners.
I believe in Karma. And while I will never know exactly when or how the universe will return what she tossed into it, I take comfort in knowing that she will one day, in some way, shape or form, feel the hell that I went through due to her selfish, careless, undignified actions.
It has been just over 2 years since my husband went into recovery and our marriage is stronger than ever. I do not fully trust him, though I did go away for a “girls weekend” a few weeks ago, which is the first time I left him overnight since he hit rock bottom, which was a big step for both of us. He is improving all the time, and I am thrilled. He is a better man, a better husband and a better dad.
I must confess, I feel good about writing this comment as I haven’t told anyone, other than my husband, about sending the ‘aid’ an email. Thank you, this has been cathartic as well.
Bless you, Kat, I’m truly happy that you, your husband and children have all come out on top!
LikeLike
This is the hate letter I wrote. I got bits from Linda and Dougs site but it summed up how I was feeling and besides my therapist had not told me not to communicate. I sent it to all the whores and one hubby……..
I hate you because you broke the unwritten rule among women. Women support each other. We know how difficult it is being a wife and a mother, and when a man comes to you complaining about his wife you should support the woman. You don’t use that as an opportunity to move in for the kill.
I hate you because it was so easy for you to make Steve feel good about himself. You were able to be complimentary, laugh at his jokes, and tell him how wonderful he was. You were not living my life. It was different for me. You were on a constant vacation with Steve.
I hate you because you were always able to appear funny, happy, free spirited, and then you could go home and be your true self. I didn’t have that luxury; my true self was there for to see from the time I woke up until I collapsed in bed at night. There was no place to hide and sometimes it wasn’t very pretty.
I hate you because you had all the control. You knew how to keep the affair going, how to push Steve s buttons and you knew what he was feeling and thinking. I felt like I didn’t know him at all.
I hate you because you were always available to meet Steve s needs It wasn’t because I didn’t want to; It was because he loves you more.
I hate you because you used every opportunity to weed yourself into our lives. You did so while we were on Xmas breaks, camping trips, evenings, weekends; your presence was always there by phone calls or text.
I hate you because you didn’t have the guts to do something about your own lonely life. Instead you found someone who was married to make you feel better about yourself.
I hate you because you made Steve forget why he loved me, his family and his life.
I hate you because you listened so intently while Steve was telling you how “unsatisfying” his marriage was. You appeared so understanding, but of course you didn’t give a shit since he wasn’t unsatisfied with you.
I hate that my husband gave you everything I ever needed from him. You received his undivided attention, appreciation, admiration, compliments and you didn’t have to do his laundry, bare his children, or take care of him in return.
I hate you because I lost my sense of security and trust.
I hate you because you took away my confidence. Because of you I constantly question if I am happy, pretty, funny, outgoing and skinny enough.
I hate you because the husband I thought I knew and loved was not that man anymore, and I had to learn who he was, a deceitful dishonourable man.
I hate you because even though you are not in our lives anymore you are a constant image in my mind. Your name, your face, a sign, a memory can take a happy day and turn it into a sad one.
I hate you because you never thought about me and the pain you were causing.
I hate you because I will never look at Steve the same way again.
I hate you because I will never be the same person again. My childlike qualities of being trusting and somewhat naïve will never be there again. Instead I feel like I walk around afraid to truly experience life for fear of being hurt.
I hate you because you took away something so very precious to me–Steve s heart. That is something that I will never forget, forgive or understand because it was never yours to take.
Ahhhhh….that feels better.
Steve has decided that it is you who he loves more than me or the girls or the life he has had with us for the past 29 years. He has made his choice. He knows you are with GB still but I guess he lives in hope. Anyway I leave that for you two to work out.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow. You sent it? Did anyone respond? The letter makes me sad for you because they probably got some sick satisfaction from how much they hurt you and they felt satisfied with themselves that theoretically Steve was in love with them and not you, which most likely was never true. These affairs are fantasy life, you state that so well. When reality hits, then no one is happy. What a miserable mess. After my husband’s first AP, I think he subconsciously sought out women who he knew he would not actually want to be with, so it was never about leaving or finding something better. Your husband may be a sex and love addict (SLAA: Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous). They all want the stroking, but not all men want a relationship with the acting out partner? How long ago did you send the letters?
LikeLike
I love the letter you wrote, such an absolute shame that you can’t send it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. The bigger shame is that even if I did send it, she wouldn’t believe it. And the scariest part of all… if my husband “fell off the wagon” say, in five years, this pathetic woman would still be sitting there in the same house, with the same phone numbers, and the same low self esteem, waiting to give him exactly what she gave him before, mediocre sex. I’m pretty sure she scared the crap out of my husband at their last face to face over a year ago with the veiled threat of “if anything happened to your wife, could we be together.” He said it was at the first time he realized she was really unstable. REALLY? How can smart people be so stupid!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I feel your frustration. She seems like such a home wrecker. These people have no morals, she should just move town and get over it, and let people live in peace. Knowing that one is married, and to continue to lure one in is an absolute low blow, and portrays one character. Be strong and don’t let the likes of her bring you down. ‘How can smart people be so stupid’, because they choose to dismiss the and not face the real truth, as they say ignorance is bliss eh.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I sent one letter. It was calm and reasoned, like yours. My “friend” (who was fucking the man I thought was the love of my life for fifteen months) reacted by sending me a (fake) restraining order. That was one of the first steps to me realising that for 34 years I’d known her then, she was NEVER my friend. Just a using POS. The pot went on full boil for those bunnies for the next two years or so. They are often sociopathic NPD- ed nutters. BTW I loved your letter. But dammit “they” are right, crickets is the only and correct response to these bitches. Starve them of oxygen. Asphixiate them (they’re so often just oxygen thieves anyway 😉 )
LikeLike
Thanks for the comment and thanks for reminding me of what I know… they are insane and contacting them is just inviting crazy all over the place. At this point, I want her to be a distant memory to both me and my husband. I guess I should be content knowing that she wanted my husband and did everything in her power to get my husband and she lost. She also called me obsessively trying to ruin my life and our marriage, and is failing on that as well. I still feel like it’s not enough punishment for her, maybe with time…
LikeLike
So different to my draft letter to the whore! Don’t you just wish we could send those letters??? I know I do!!
LikeLike
Yes, I wish I could send it right now. I also wish I could show up at her work and have my say without her being able to say anything. And I wish I could call her the way she did me and set her straight, without her saying anything. And I wish she never existed… but if not her, then someone else. Life’s a bitch, and so is she! I LOVE venting on blogs. I should have started this a long time ago :)!
LikeLike
I hear ya! My blog and my fellow blogee’s have kept me sane this past year. I really can’t imagine having gotten thru this without them all!
LikeLike
At first I thought who cares if anyone ever reads this… just getting it out is cathartic, but then when people started commenting, it felt really good. The isolation and loneliness have been a big part of the pain. As I posted before, I told a good friend, but even she admits she cannot understand what I am going through… just be there for me. That’s great and all, but knowing someone REALLY understands, is priceless. I just wish there weren’t SO MANY WOMEN who really understand! I have also been shocked by the “mistress” blogs… I mean I may have been blindsided by my husband’s horrifying lies, betrayal, and behavior, but these women are truly delusional.
LikeLike
I always find it so sad when I see a new name amongst us, but then with the rates of infidelity as high as they are I guess it’s not a surprise! It has definitely helped to ease my pain, I have tole no one, not a singe soul, what my husband did. This has been my lifeline!
And the whore blogs??? You’re right, they are, for the most part, completely delusional and absolutely crazy!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I would send it fuck that.. That letter’s getting sent. I’ve sent her nasty emails, texts.. but in all reality it does no good just makes you look like the crazy person. I think you are strong and courageous and could teach me a few things. Thanks for sharing your story..
LikeLiked by 1 person